Forced to Waste My Life

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Most of us have seen Nelson on The Simpsons holding another child's hand, forcing that hand to hit the child's face, and saying "stop hitting yourself." That's how I feel about most of my life. I have been forced to hurt myself in many ways and the people who forced me to do it kept saying "stop hitting yourself" or "stop beating yourself up." What they taught me was that I would receive the beating that they cared to give me whether I was guilty of any wrongdoing or not. They also did this to me psychologically.

Thus, if I do anything wrong, I spend years suffering for it and have almost no capacity to correct the thing that I do wrong.

My mother just recently spouted, within my hearing "what a waste" refering to me and my life, and attempted to cover the slip. I was able to give the incident enough contempt to let it slide without further conversation, besides, she can still keep me from speaking out of turn in her presence. If I ever break through that she will receive an earful that will cause her to commit a murder and a suicide, and I care about the person who she will murder, so I can't do that. My mother is a timebomb waiting for me to set her off by reminding her of her past associations with me, e.g. her attempts to kill me painfully.

I'm looking at a situation that I realize that I could have fixed had I had a larger fraction of my faculties and my sanity left. The things that I have done to myself have made it so that it is highly unlikely that I will ever have a proper leadership position, especially in time to prevent what I am afraid is about to happen. I am not delusional when I say that I could have been one of the most influential people of the 20th and the 21st centuries. If I do it now it may help some but a lot of damage will have been caused before I can do anything about it. This situation is of international importance. I am only now seeing how I could have saved it. Had I started ten years ago I could have, and I didn't know it was happening and I didn't believe it. It is even a war that was won before and has been lost again.

People deliberately forced me to waste my life and destroyed the positive influence that I could have had. They did it because they hate life and the living. AS people look defective to them because AS people are more free of their mental defects. By brute force and disruptive behavior they have been able to contribute much negativity to our lives, to destroy our abilities as much as they could get away with, and to render us much less effective in whatever we want to do. I think that AS people would not leave the globe lifeless and could easily see how humans could assist life on this planet.

how old are you?

Dude get the hell out of that situation

I'm over 45. I got out of that situation for a while then got back into that situation. Now due to the circumstances I mentioned I can't tell my mother what I really think. She doesn't dig at me much. She's more likely to dig at my niece. She thinks she has the god-given right to hurt my niece emotionally and when my niece is at her place she sucks the life right out of her.

My mother has managed to manipulate me and my sister until we are helpless about this kind of thing and it doesn't even look good right now. It really is like she has some wierd hold on both of our minds. If we visit or talk to her she works to get her hooks in deeper. A couple of years ago I tried and failed to kill myself because I knew I was going to have to ask her for help. During that affair I lost my car and most of what I owned. I felt like death was what I would rather do. Did I mention life-sucking?

She has one of my nephews in her care and she's trying to do right by him, which she still won't do by me. It's that one thing she does that makes her seem human that makes it so I can't send her a letter with my negativity in it. If I do she will hurt or kill him, or at best stop trying to help him with his problems at school, which are a lot like my problems at school. If she goes down, she takes him with her.

I'm watching what is meaningful about my world being taken apart by morons and worse and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I am probably not the only broken link. The conspirators attack other people with the same interests and have burned out a lot of other people. Worse, they've convinced some good people that they are right to do this, to suck the life out of everything. When I fight for this life I stall out because of the problems that I have had that I can't seem to shake. I just had this dream about trying to patch together a telephone cord so that I could call out, and my mother and one of my cousins were there. My cousin started picking the job apart because she didn't like something about the way it looked. She represents someone who is utterly clueless who still thinks that she can do a job that I know well better than I can, and who just goes right in and takes it all apart and fiddles with it aimlessly, not even able to understand that the wires are color-coded and you repair a break by putting the wires of the same color together. Then there was a shouting match because I yelled at her to please leave it alone, and the way I did it violated some Miss Manners guide to how to deal with total idiots, and the b***h queen (mother) thinks that she still has absolute veto power over anything that I do, so I shouted at full volume that they were going to fix it themselves and no backtalk. It felt good, that I would even stop them when they started to utter an objection, and I hate it when that is done to me. I never get a chance to do that to anyone. This is because I am never unreasonable and never have power over someone. So I walked away and left it for them to fix, then I woke up. Fortunately when I scream in my sleep I'm the only one who hears it, but it is deafening. I'm tempted to set up to record sounds in my room but eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves.

So I'm over 45 and what I am doing I do not describe as living. I am assisting someone to take longer to fail to make a living, but I do not seem likely to make a living for myself any time soon and the one thing that I really care about, some really vicious and criminal types are succeeding in outlawing. Yes, I care about the animals more than I do about humanity, and I care about the right to breed them and keep them, thus ensuring their future, but I also think that having them around is a great comfort to most humans, the ones who have the slightest trace of real humanity in them. The only thing that I have to offer is insight. A lot of people don't want to hear it. A lot of them at best have decided that they will devote their energies to trying to die a little more slowly than their enemies will like, and others have joined the enemy. I'm having to sit still and watch my world die because people who pretend to higher morality are killing it. Those people only exist to kill it. I couldn't have believed before that this was real. It's taken me almost as long as I have lived to really understand and believe it. It's a lot like they are killing off what lives so that I will come to grief. More realistically, they are doing this to get at the people who are like-minded with me, to cause them enough grief and pain to make them die inside or kill themselves to stop the pain. Those who die inside they pat on the head and finger their bum and call them "good law-abiding citizens."

So it comes out radical and revolutionary but what else is it going to be? My source of depression is being beaten and bullied, especially by people who claimed that they were taking care of me. The phrase "take care of him" has a sarcastic meaning, too. Yeah, they took care of me. They drove me out in the desert and shot me in the head, after shooting my wife, my kids, and my pets in front of me. This is a metaphor. Some think that this kind of thing is not obscene if they simply prevent me from having a wife, a family, pets, and a life. Some think that it is their god-given duty to make my life miserable and not worth living.

Just to make it just a little more miserable, I can tell stories of people who have used magic to try to help me out. It has almost succeeded and I lost out because I failed to connect with it. It's not that I don't believe in psychic powers, it's just that I don't trust them the way I do a solid real-world skill. So I went against my feelings three times and the exact same anomaly occured three times that would have made enough money for me to get myself out of debt and set my life on a better course. I even knew that it was going to happen but I didn't believe in it. And if I had, I don't know what would have happened to my sister because she was in pretty bad shape by the time I got back to her. We are both doing better for the time being.

If there is some reason that all that I should be is what I am right now, and all that I should have is what I have right now, that still doesn't mean that the people who have enforced this had any right or duty to do this. They have not implemented the wishes of a higher power as they pretend, and I've know this all along. The higher power has been trying all along to do this for me, and between me and them it has been stalemated. I have a hard time believing that any of this works that way even though I have seen it work that way time and time again. Others are way to easily able to take something from me by disrupting my connection with that power. I think they're doing the same thing to millions of people. I've said before that I think that just a handful of good people could turn this thing around. Can someone's higher power give up out of sheer frustration? Why should it be me anyway?

Damn. I should have gone back to sleep after I woke up to pee.

I don't know if this will help Remnant, but I survived an abusive controlling mother. I know exactly what you mean when you say 'life suckers'. I heard a saying once that stayed in my mind 'some people are dead when they're alive and some people are alive when they're dead' (I think of people like Gandhi as being in the latter category)

When you say 'Can someone's higher power give up out of sheer frustration?' Although it might feel like it sometimes, that little inner spark that is your spirit may get bashed but can never completely be extinguished.

I would say, try and ignore the crap happening around you and do more of whatever you get pleasure in doing.

Reading this, I think it looks pretty lame but I'll post it anyway. I don't know if it helps to know that someone's felt the same way, and has empathy with your situation, but I hope it does.

It does help. I still have just a little hope.

I looked at the recent story about the 92 year old woman being gunned down by the police in her own home. The police did an unprofessional job, breaking down the door and yelling "Police" but they weren't in uniform. Anyone can get a black vest and paint the word "POLICE" on it. It's a little harder to get a properly marked police car to use in a burglary like this.

It just reminds me that the police feel like they can do anything they want, what they want is horrible, and they don't feel obligated to act as professionals because no one makes them. My mother was like this, with a very similar mind. She impressed upon me the fact that she could do anything she wanted, what she wanted was violent and destructive, and she wasn't obligated to act as my mother because no one could force her to do it. It's very much the same thing. This is how we are expected to live, where police act like common criminals and dress up to look like common criminals, and where parents act like their job description is to act like common bullies and use their own children for punching bags.

And I have to say, whatever it is that they are bullying and killing us to try to accomplish, the means taint the ends. Whatever they are trying to accomplish, it is already wrong. The means that they use prove it wrong. They beat up, poison, and ruin the lives of children. They withhold needed medical treatment from people. They come up with programs that kill more and more non-human animals, and let me tell you, the animals need protection from the humans, not the other way around. A human is thousands of times more lethal to an animal than the other way around. They continue to beat people down, to expand their "authority" by increasing the amount of pain and deprivation they allow themselves to use against humans and animals.

There is no good reason to tolerate this now. It will keep getting worse. It isn't tolerable right now.

Just something to add to this thread:

I feel that my mother used every bit of strength that she had to defeat me, to prevent me from growing up and having a future. Just because she didn't actually take a knife and cut my gonads off does not mean that she did not do everything in her power or go outside the bounds of decency and good judgement.

I have recurring bouts of depression because of this. It is really sickening and when I can stop myself from thinking so much about it I do have a better day.

It's a very hard thing to face that your mother was not a good mother. I still have nightmares about mine. But, and this is a very positive but, once we have accepted that fact and felt all the pain and disappointment that goes with the realization, then we can begin to 'mother' ourselves and make positive choices for ourselves, instead of listening to our mothers (either our real life mothers or the 'mother' in our heads who tell us how worthless and crap we are).

The 'cutting off of the gonads' feeling is so archetypal. Have you read the myth of Attis and Cybele? The ancients knew all about that aspect of the mother. The good news about that myth is that after Attis was harmed by his mother he was reborn, so the possibility is there for us also.

Is there a way you can move away from her?

I wish I could help more, as I understand very well what you’re going through. Always remember, just because they spoil the first half of our life, we can make damn sure the time that comes after is as good for ourselves as we can make it.
You're stronger than she is.
Take care.

Remnant, I feel for you. Don't know what else to say (except I thought my family sucked).

Look after yourself.

I, too, feel for you.

Do you have a paying job? The ability to move out? I think it is only going to get worse as your mother ages. If you don't work are there social svcs that could help you get into a group home?

I know these are simplistic questions....but I think you have to work through the depression actively. You must take charge of your life and change your environment first. The depression will lift as you start making the changes.

Believe me, I know it's not easy. But it doesn't sound like your life is easy now, so I think you should start making changes.

Good luck.

I made the mistake of letting her talk inside my head a lot in the last ten or so years. It ruined a good relationship, caused me a gambling addiction, and lost me a home and a lot of money. What I have to wonder is, how many people does this happen to? How many people feel as if they will be killed by the mother inside their head if they do not walk the straight and narrow or if they try to evict her?

A good part of the reason that she tries to do good works now is because someone like me couldn't possibly do so much as tell her off while she is both trying to atone for her inhumanity and has a hostage. It hurts me a lot to be unable to do even as little as tell her what I think about the way she acted towards me, and the way she still does some things out of spite that disturb me. No matter what she does that makes her appear to be more human she still has the b***h queen mentality. That will never change. It is galling when she makes it apparent that she still thinks of herself as more right than I will ever be, and that she still reserves the right to practice extreme cruelty.

I don't live with her but I'm still too close to and too dependent on the family. I am not happy. I don't get to do stuff the way normal people do.

The struggle to survive is a human's most basic instinct, you are in that struggle. I know what it is like to have a life sucking mother and in my case the instinct for survival was strong. I live about 1500 miles from my mother and speak to her on the phone about once every 3 months. I have completely cut off her ability to control me by limiting her contact both physical and psychological with me. You have the right to a life, a free and full life. You are allowing her to rob you of this life by allowing her to be in your life. Do whatever is neccessary to get as far as your feet can carry you from her, do not give her your new phone number or address for at least six months while you begin the process of healing and after that make sure you control how much space if any you give her in your life. This is your life, reclaim it no matter what the cost! Also I know you are worried about your sister and niece but you will never really help them if you do not first help yourself. Good luck.

You are right. I need a car badly.

oh wow, I am really sorry that you are going through this. If I were you, I would hop on the next bus/train/carpool/unicycle/jet pack/whatever, get the hell out and never look back. You are over 45, correct? Get out of there anyway possible, start a new life elsewhere and leave no trace. You have the right to live a long and fulfilling life. I know a lot of people who were in crummy situations and have gone off to make something of themselves elsewhere.

I hope things get better for you