Forced to Waste My Life

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I live a few hours drive from my mother. I am employed and putting away some money. Physical distance helps, but my mother's influence hurt me when I was even further away and cut off from the family. I have thrown away physical independence before by my own bad judgement and phoned home for help when I wasn't sure that I wouldn't rather die than be helped.

All I have going for me is that I don't drink or use drugs and I might be able to do something intellectually. I think that I still keep hoping because it will come together some day. I believe that miracles happen in people's lives not because they belong to a religion but because humans are capable of miracles.

There are numerous things I would like to say. I will however be very brief.
You are an empowered adult take control, thus assuming responsibility for yourself.
Use your intellect instead of excuses.
One of the most valid laws of nature is. Adapt or perish.
I am not being mean, I am indicating what I believe could be your quickest
way out of this rut.
Often a result of poor parenting is that the child believes into adult hood that
they are helpless. You are not helpless mate. Until you take control of the situation
you will continue to hold onto this self defeating prophecy.

Chris.

I keep having this conflict between the need to get the word out and the appearance of making excuses. I'm not so comfortable with the idea that I am "making excuses", either. I think that an actual mental infirmity or crippling was pushed into my head by the actions of others. I am in the position of the rat who was subjected to aversion type experiments, who has learned helplessness because he was shocked when he ate, shocked when he tried to have sex, shocked when he tried to go to the bathroom, or when he tried to do anything. The long uphill climb is real and it's inside of my head. Some people don't realize that what is inside the head is harder to heal.

The talk about "making excuses" ignores the fact that conditioning is real. I have a whole set of conditioned responses and bad habits of thought. Many of them are even considered legitimate by the so-called society that I live in. You might say that I "have a choice", but exercising that choice brings penalties. Some of the "right" choices could kill me. Also, talk of "making choices" implies that I could just "snap out of it" overnight if I so chose. I have endured threats from people who would shut down my life and ruin me if I didn't do just that. It didn't help that the people making those threats were not sane and were not taking into account the fact that I was acting out because people were attacking me. The people who tried to reform me actually were attacking me. I could go on about how this kind of thing is now big business.

If it had come down to living with my mother I would be better off dead. Fortunately it did not quite come to that. For a while I was stuck in a crappy trailer in a town that had no jobs and where I had a lot of enemies. One of the things that I despise about this reality is having been forcibly taught that paranoids are paranoid for good reason. They actually were attacked and destroyed. Not that the general population doesn't get much of the same crap. It's really not a case of "we all go through it", though. The person who is exposed to a few microrems of radiation each day is not going through the same thing as someone who just saw the bright flash at close range when two subcritical masses of plutonium were brought near each other. My mother's "discipline" always went to the nuclear option way too clearly, and what she took from me left me defenseless against the predators outside of the house.

When I returned to the so-called living situation in that little town, someone took the trouble to teach me the same lessons all over again. They ruined me at my job. They physically assaulted me on the streets and it was related to the problems we had had with each other as long ago as forty years ago. I was never informed about why they started that, but I can name which ones started it, about what year, and those people could not possibly have had good cause to start it with a five year old boy. It is also not natural that they could even conceive of abusing one person so persistently.

I know that I am not totally helpless but I have to grow a system for dealing with it and I have to have food and a roof over my head to do it. The quickest way out of the rut is not necessarily the best way, but I do have to make a few quantum leaps.

Hello again Remnant,
Mate you are correct with a lot of the things you say. People do overlook what they cannot see. I am not trying to simplify your sistuation either. I have seen many things in my life that I should not have had to see. Also along the lines of crimes against humanity. I remain strict to my self imposed routine.

I will not give anyone who has upset me the satisfaction of thinking they have bought me undone in any way. So I choose to forgive them unconditionally, this empowers me.

I choose not to give them my energy, whether that is physical, mental or just the knowing I never gave the irritated response they expected. I don't talk about the situations either. I always remain completely in control of what emotional energy I give out. Empower yourself and make the same choice. Get over the situations they happened you cannot change that. So always make the most of the situations you are put in by fighting back with everything you have got.

Believe me I know about living in your head and the effects that are associated with that. I also
live in that prison. I know about different types of aversion treatments. I know about sex crimes. I don't need to discuss them because I have taken control of my reality, faced the pain that is associated
with the whole cause and effect principle and have taken control of my own energy. Now I steer the ship.

The buck stops here with me. I am responsible for myself not anyone else. Any abuses I have suffered also stop here with me. I have come to terms with them enough not to perpetuate these crimes onto or against anyone else.

So I am sorry, I believe you need to take control and stop making excuses for not grabbing hold of
this present moment sooner. Birth...Tick...Tock...Death. We all get one chance at each moment of time. Don't waste even one moment by giving anyone but yourself your energy. Take control.

How did I go this time Remnant?

Cheers Chris.

"Take control" sounds good in theory, but for some of us it's just another thing to punish ourselves with.

I have to tell you and everyone else here that the "moral code" of America is a total failure. It inspires parents and educators to often badly damage or destroy their children before they have a chance to "mess up", as if the destructive acts somehow create a moral strength in those children. They literally do not trust rational decision-making processes, as evidenced by the way that they use violence to "make sure" that their children do not mess up.

I've had to live far too many lies. "Zero tolerance" for "bad behavior" promotes the telling of lies to and about the child. Then when someone told me that this was "strict but fair" they were lying. It is never fair to punish children for things that they didn't actually do, like these days they punish children for bringing a squirt gun to school as if they had brought a real gun. People who want to go for total disarmament of someone else are planning to bend them over and do bad things to them, and I can go figurative and literal with this.

I'm reading some sites tonight and this seems to be the method of targeting particular persons. A teacher or a police officer chooses to lie about someone he doesn't like, that person has a hell of an uphill struggle to convince anyone otherwise. This is even when the judge or the principal knows that the teacher or the cop is lying.