Triggers

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For some odd reason it has started up again, I'm not sure why, perhaps with so many decisions pending, I'm worrying already and so makes me more prone to reacting to my triggers, but I'm not actually sure what they are, it sounds strange...

But, it seems at almost any time, place and with anyone I can just in flip second get really down, not be able to see the sunny side in anything and feel like I've taken two steps back, normally having flashbacks from the past, can be happy or the worst memories I have, but it feels like I'm stuck there. It's got so bad I've reverted back to how I used to deal with it, either try day dreaming about what would be my utopia to try and make me happy again or I keep myself really busy until it eventually goes away, but I'm worried it's going to get to breaking point, because it is stopping me from sleeping until late at night, as I don't want to remember or get too sad before sleeping (gives me nightmares - last night I had a really twisted one and I woke up and couldn't believe my mind had thought of it). It's all going to catch up with me soon because it stops me from working as working doesn't stop me from thinking about these things and I have a lot I 'should' be doing.

I just wish I could control them, I used to be able to, but that was through locking myself away and I'm not sure it is the solution this time around.

That sounds a lot like some of the effects of separation anxiety. That exact same thing used to happen to me. It would come on just like you described, even when things would seemingly be great. I would think about "the good old days", missed opportunities, screw-ups of the past, what have you. It used to bother me quite a lot because I thought something was seriously wrong with me. But once I learned what it was I became drastically better at fighting it off.

For autistics, it's a type of autistic frustration resulting from that whole not liking change thing. The trick to it is, it's actually triggered completely unconsciously even if you recognize that the change you are making is the best thing for you. You get comfortable accepting something into your life... a place, a person, an object; it can be anything, even something fairly trivial. It's actually not that important how you feel about that which is missing (albeit that can increase the effect) but that you accepted it being there. Once it's gone, some part of the autistic mind goes completely apeshit and you start building stress just like you would before having a meltdown. You become moody, easily depressed -- this might even scare you sometimes and by not knowing what's wrong it might (very rarely) launch you into a full scale panic attack out of the fear itself (which is, in fact, a type of meltdown because at this point you've really just reached the breaking point).

It can cause you to seem to be very Jekyll and Hyde to people.

When you locked yourself away, you essentially eliminated change from your life. But that's not realistic, because (even as aspies) we are social creatures and we still need social interaction to be psychologically healthy. Although it might not seem right to you (especially if you are more of a recluse), the best way to fight it off is by constantly changing up things in your life. Always eating somewhere different, taking a different way home or otherwise keeping your life out of anything looking like a routine. Much like someone who's OCD forcing themselves to leave something in complete disarray.

It’s such a complex issue, it’s so hard to explain without waffling on, but I don’t know if it is all just down to my Asperger Syndrome or whether it is part down to my experiences as a child, there must be a crossover, but where is it? One of the biggest problems I’ve faced is where to seek help from, as the norm for people to do is counselling but going to a complete stranger for help is alien to me.

As for change, I have a lot of change in my life, my father lives abroad and has remarried, my mum also, gone through several households with family changes and lifestyle changes. I travel regularly (i.e. significant distance, at least 75+ miles) , at least 10-12 times a year, mainly on my own and I feel quite ok then, I have some space and I can just switch off and listen to music for awhile and forget who I am.

It may be triggered by the change of people dying or leaving, but then again I’ve had it at odd times, when I’ve been worrying about a decision that I really want to know about and I get the decision or under the strain of a workload that feels that it can’t be done and I've just conquered it. My nightmares are what are scaring me most at the moment; they make me feel so bad about what’s in and on my mind, as to how I could come up with the horrific dreams. I’ve tried controlling those by trying to make my last thought before I go to sleep being a good one, but it doesn’t seem enough.

It is very complex, and I would never suggest it was something that simple... That would just be insulting to you. It's just a component of the things that could be going on, really. I know when I was going through my phases like that, there were lots of other things going on. I don't think you're waffling; I just think a verbal description, even in all it's complexity, is too rigid to do something so abstract as feelings any sort of justice.

I wish I could offer help on more than just one component, but every person is different and we all have different things going on in our lives. What I can say is that you are doing the right thing by talking about it, whether you are talking to a stranger or not. People have a way of fooling themselves or telling themselves things to kinda cover up problems. It's the sort of things that other people can see right through simply for having a different prospective. As much as we sometimes don't like to admit it, we need other people to call us out on our s**t. Other times we don't so much need that person to call us out on anything, so much as we just need to hear ourselves admit to something. In any case, having that other person keeps your perspective honest, open and healthy.

Strangers (like a counselor) can be good for the simple fact that some of the things you might need to admit can't be admitted to the people in your life around you without causing awkwardness or other problems. Think of it as something like a sounding board for your thoughts.

In any event, I hope you get everything worked out. If you feel like you have to get something out but you can't do it anywhere else, you're always welcome here. That's part of what this place is for. Good luck.
; )

EDIT -- Oh btw, the whole nightmare thing; When it used to happen to me I found that whole "changing what you think before you go to sleep" thing to be only partially effective. When you do this you are only changing your surface thoughts and not the deeper thoughts and feelings, which is where most problems reside and the very same thing that impacts your dreams. Unfortunately I never really found a good solution outside of solving problems in my life.
: /

Well I went away for awhile and tried to 'sort myself out' but it didn't work. I just have huge highs and lows, when I'm around my hamster, which sounds stupid, I'm the happiest and have 0 worries as long as she's happy, but when she's asleep my worries and nightmares plague me.

I have exams soon, so it makes my stress and worry levels sky high, so maybe it hasn't been the best time to try and tackle it, but after my exams, I want it to stop, though even then I'll still have the worry that the biggest decision is still pending. Then there is the university saga. Meh. Modern life is way too stressful and worrying for me. Wish somehow I could be naive to it all.

Well, one thing is for sure... You're definitely an aspie.


Hope you're feeling better.

Well I'm trying to cope with it by focusing on my exams 100% until they are over so then I don't stress over anything else, at least it is stopping me from keep waking up with worries. Last week I woke up about 10-12 times a night.

I've loaded the university stuff onto my dad (well he knows he has to help me with it) while I do my exams and tonight going to sort any other worries out with my mum, so she can 'keep' hold of them for awhile (meaning she'll actually be aware of them).

Then I'm going to limit my distractions like my computer and just stick to a routine with my hamster. Hoping that it'll give me a bit of sanity back while at least I can pass my exams. After that I'm going to be honest, and tell my mum that I need more help (ok, so I'm not the best person for asking for help, I currently have zero through my own choice because of my lack of trust of strangers) and I can't cope under current pressures, it's getting me down too much and I find myself being unpredictable when I hit depression, I even get scared of myself then, so I want to sort help before I get to that stage. Even if it is just knowing I'll have help at university - boy that's gonna take some doing! <geez focusing 100% on exams is bloody hard>

*writes university down on paper, tears it into pieces and puts it in the bin*

Talking to yourself is the first stage of madness, what's the second?

You sound like you're having some major anxiety problems -- that's the caged, wanting to crawl out of your skin, worrying type feeling you have. Not to say you aren't maybe depressed a little too, because you're the best judge of that. One could be the cause of the other or they could be unrelated. Some types of anxiety are neurological, so you're probably doing the right thing by seeking some sort of help. Anxiety is also soothed by talking to someone (which is part of the reason we need other people, because it grounds our perspective on things).

You're not going crazy (although anxiety can make you feel like that sometimes). These sorts of things happen to lots of people and it's perfectly okay... I mean, you still want to fix it, of course. Seems like you prefer to work things out on your own, and I'll bet you're probably somewhat good at it. I'm the same way. But I think you're doing the right thing by talking to someone about it too, because we can't always solve problems ourselves.