What does your Aspergers/autism mean to YOU?

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What part of "if you like" do you feel is too pushy?

I did feel like I'd asked "what does your cat do that amuses you" and been answered "I don't have a cat" - um, well why answer if you don't have a cat? But obviously this is not the same as that, so I didn't treat it as a troll answer, but instead tried to coax more of an answer.

However, you do have a point. His original answer is actually very telling and quite insightful. All of us are in a situation where we really don't know any other way of being. Autistic or Aspergers is just who we are.

So I've read on another thread that, with your NVLD, your verbal IQ is about 130 but your performance IQ is about 80. This averages out to about 100 or 110. How is "all you'd like to be" different from that for a non-NVLD all-rounder with average IQ around 100 or so? Are there not things you can do or levels you can achieve that anyone of average intelligence cannot? Or do you find that you are out of balance and that your areas of 80-IQ hinder your areas of 130-IQ? Do you find it's much worse than just being "good at English, bad at maths"? (if I understand NVLD... I've only just googled it now].

What I meant by the first one, is that I don't care what impression I create of myself for people to judge me, but I do care when it becomes obvious to me that someone is hurting.

I can be hurt by judgementalness too, but that's all the more reason to not give into it. And I am no good with the cognitive empathy thing either, but when I become aware, my affective empathy is just fine.

It makes perfect sense to me. It sums up the eccentricity of Autism and Aspergers which the neurotypicals may laugh at or love, ignore or overly pathologise.

So you are talking about your diagnosis rather than your actual condition? That's a different and interesting way to interpret the question. It does help to know the name of your native culture. I think that alienation from our culture is the source of most of our problems. Maybe we would be the ones with cognitive empathy if we grew up as the 99% and the NT's were the 1% struggling to fit in.

Basically, it's like, let's say I have a car repair manual. I can memorize (not literally memorize, but remember) enough of what I learn from the manual, so that if I was telling someone else how to do something, they'd be able to do it, me, with the same amount of info, cannot. It seems other people without NVLD, their problem is they lack information on how to do something, but once they acquire information, they can do it. They seem to have enough "do" to get things done, but not enough info, I'm the opposite.

As far as things, all my life people talk to me and go "Oh wow, you're so smart" and to be honest I never really felt smart. But people think I'm so smart, when.... I'm not really. So people expected so much from me, my parents expected college, that I'd be an engineer or something, and I can never deliver upon people's expectations of me due to the gap. People, they try to tell me advice on how to help my problems, and it's all useless, as I've usually thought through their advice before they've even told me it, so I "know" how to fix pretty much anything, but actually doing things, is the problem. I'm smart enough to know the information, just not smart enough for doing anything else. You're in a position, where, say, you're coached. What happens if you're more well read and have more book knowledge on the subject at hand than the person coaching you, but cannot actually do the thing they're trying to tell you how to do? It's tough on your psyche, so tough.

Oh and I can type and talk good. Maybe I should just start talking really dumb so people don't think I'm smart at all. lyke dis yo.

I have many/most of the same social issues as ASD, and people tell me I'm very socially awkward and weird, but that's livable. Socially though, it's sorta the same thing, I'm decent looking and outgoing, and that counts for a lot socially, but I'm just too awkward to really keep friends and cooperate in a group of people. So on paper, I'd be the awesomest "NT" ever, except for being...me. I mean for the most part, I don't have too much anxiety about it, I just continue on with my life (with people giving me strange looks the entire time), but to not be able to do all I'd like to set out to do, or rather than not being able to do, to have it take many times more effort than other people are applying, you know?

I notice you were diagnosed at the tender and impressionable age of 8. I had a read of your recent thread about being miserable ever since your diagnosis, and it seems that you have been through a lot more than simply being told matter-of-factly you have Aspergers and then being allowed to get on with your childhood. I didn't like my diagnosis which I got in my late 20's, but that was because I read the psychologist's report with all its condescending pathologizing of the most innocuous behaviours and traits. Once I stashed and ignored the report, I was fine with having Aspergers and just got on with life. Now I highly doubt that you would have read the psychologist's report at age 8, so I'm wondering what the adults around you (parents, teachers, etc) were saying or doing to make you feel so unhappy? From all the things you've written, I get the impression that your parents were treating you like a normal kid before you were diagnosed, but then started treating you differently and bringing up your diagnosis to use against you all the time.

As for you being afraid of having children for fear of passing on the curse - I have a kid, he is autistic, I have always treated him like a normal kid, albeit quite late to mature in some areas, and he is a very happy kid who is very smart and actually pretty emotionally mature. He is not cursed at all, with appropriate special needs education to get him through his different developmental pathway, and has every hope of becoming a high functioning and well adjusted adult. So don't write off hope of living yourself a fulfilling life!

That is a beautiful poem, moving as it does from the difficulties we all face, to the self acceptance we all need, but it is sad if we have to accept our suffering as unavoidable too.

I'm going to start a new trend and reply above rather than below the quote, because technical difficulties are making it impossible for me to scroll to the bottom.

So somebody with a nicely balanced IQ of 80 would surely be much more impaired than you, but they would not be stressed by social pressure to be smarter. Do you feel more like a person with IQ 130 but with deficits causing you to perform at IQ 80, or more like a person with IQ 80 but with talents causing you to verbalise at IQ 130? Which person do you feel others treat or perceive you as?

I guess this is like the glass half empty versus half full. My PIQ-VIQ difference isn't large, both are 130+, and my PIQ is greater, so I can't really imagine how you feel, except that I am apparently "people stupid" which causes my abilities not to be presented "appropriately".

I am not quite sure if i understand you correctly.
But i thought i answered the question correctly.
I grew up 21 years thinking and believing i was NT, so i learnt how to be empathetic. I learnt a lot about being an NT and then i found out i had AS, soo ive actually had to learn to be ME all over again, cause being the NT was making me sick. ahwell, Aspergers has taught me a great deal, about who I am and how to cope with the people around me. I really see it as a learning tool.

I spent 33 years knowing that I was different to everyone else and had to work harder to be normal and still used to fail at some things. Watching how easy other people interact so easily made me angry and frustrated and I blamed myself. Having depression, anxiety and meltdowns for 'no reason' when others coped easily. Needed to drink copious amounts as it lessened/covered my aspie tendencies, quietening my mind, making it easier to cope.

There are good point as I was lucky as I picked up a microbiology obsession and a career as a microbiologist (when i manage to keep a job (too much emphasis on social skills over tallent) and NTish friends who like me (at least when i haven't pissed them off). Working on projects for days without getting bored, eating or sleeping.

I never knew anything about ASD and I think not knowing for 33 years helped force me to learn to approximate NT well (and learn to fit in) but now I know that it's AS its not just me, I feel like I've got to find out who me is all over again.

I'd say 130 IQ trapped by the 80. I guess I shouldn't be quite so emo about it, you know, other people have it worse, after all.

In a lot of ways, I'm finding strategies to make it work, a lot is nutritional, if my nutrition is good, I feel all right and can perform pretty well, but it seems I'm just super sensitive to negative nutritional circumstances. Also exercise helps a lot too, as it works the right brain hemisphere, any right brain activity is good. So now I ice skate a lot.

My autism means individuality and that's the most important thing to me, right now.

My autism means having a unique way of looking at the world, and unique is a good thing.

My autism means special interests that are also ingrained into my personality. If Kinks Fan was a personality, I'd be the text book example.

My autism means that I've learned not to hurt others, because I've been hurt by others for many years.

My autism means that I'm able to enjoy my own company when my friends and family are busy.

My autism means that I have a way with animals and the patience to work with them.

My autism means that I have a respect for people with all types of disabilities and all human life from conception until natural death.

My autism means that I'm the bridge between two cultures. Autistic culture and the culture of NTs.

My autism means that I'm not influenced by popular culture, because I have a mind of my own.

Oh, I think I see what you're saying now! The actual NT's be neurotypical easily, and just take the human psyche for granted, but you have had to really work hard at fitting in, due to your Aspergers. Moreover, in that process, you have learnt so much more than the NT's have, which therefore is also because of your Aspergers. This all happened before you even knew about Aspergers.

There isn't just one correct interpretation of the question. I think either interpretation is equally valid - having the actual condition (whether knowingly or unknowingly, whether officially diagnosed or not) or having the diagnosis (whether official or self-diagnosed). I can see now that you were talking about the actual condition, but it looks like your diagnosis has turned the light on so you can more safely continue the journey of learning that you were already on.

You have a really optimistic attitude towards autism, even though, like many here, you had bad experiences of it too, as I read in your post about how your parents treated you. So whereas many others blame their social problems on their autism condition, you see the problems as really being caused by how autistic people are treated by the mainstream. Have you always felt this way, or was there a time when you felt the same way as those who feel their autism is a curse?

Myself, I have pretty much the same attitude as you, particularly with the individuality, unique perspective, and mind of my own. I have a strong sense of who I am, like you seem to, so when I got my diagnosis as an adult, I hid away the psychologist's report for many years, because the way it pathologized me didn't fit with my self image as a unique and worthwhile human being. I got the report out and accepted my diagnosis only after I discovered the idea of autism as a culture rather than an illness, because only then could I reconcile my Aspergers with my sense of self. I'm guessing that you are the same, and never felt there was anything wrong with you or your autism either.

It means feeling isolated, broken and lost in emulation. It means looking fully functional on the outside but almost crashed on the inside. It means that there is a wall separating you from everything. It means guilt, so much guilt for what I have done.