How do you cope with jealousy and insecurity?

Post Reply New Topic

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm managing it alright. I have made a lot of progress, actually. I'm pretty happy about that.

The one area that never seems to respond to anything is my insecurity and jealousy. I am so embarrassed about it and I don't want to feel this way at all. It has caused some minor upsets in my relationship but I'm always terrified that it will one day cause a MAJOR issue. My boyfriend is so sensitive and understanding and he doesn't ever take it personally - he knows that it's not me and my personality... it's this disorder that I have. He seems to have complete faith that if I can make such good progress with other problems associated with BPD that I've overcome, then I can make good progress with the jealousy & insecurity issues.

I'm not so sure.

The only positive thing I can say about my jealousy is that I am great at keeping it contained. As in, when I feel this intense, rage-filled jealousy, I might seem a bit tense or quiet to my boyfriend, but I don't lash out... I don't act psychotic... I don't scare him. He doesn't ever know how bad I really felt nor how angry and jealous I actually got until I tell him about it in detail, later. But this isn't truly a positive thing because it just means I keep these horrible feelings inside until I feel like I am going to explode, and it's so intense and damaging. It drains me - I feel like I ran a marathon by the time I calm down, because the emotions are so strong. And then I feel so ashamed for getting so jealous and upset over the stupidest things, and I become afraid that this time, maybe my boyfriend won't be so understanding. He always is, but it's still a real fear of mine.

I suppose the jealousy and insecurity go hand in hand with my deep fear of abandonment & rejection. I'm afraid that one day I won't be good enough, or that I will be replaced somehow. My boyfriend does nothing to aggravate or encourage these feelings so logically I know I have never been given any reason to distrust him, which makes me feel even worse. I don't want to make him suffer because of my jealousy. That hasn't happened yet... He still has female friends that I don't know and I don't cramp his lifestyle. But he has seen flashes of my seething jealousy and hates to see me so upset, and I wonder if he might start to feel like he has to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering those feelings in me. I don't want that - I know it's not right. It's an issue that I have to deal with and an issue I need to work to correct so that I don't take it out on him. He's been a great boyfriend and he's my best friend.

Can any of you relate? Does anyone have any advice?

Hey,

I can definitely relate. I'm actually not in a relationship right now, and haven't been for a few years... I have tremendous relationship anxiety because of the issues that you stated. I'm so afraid of my jealousy and insecurity because I hate that part of myself. I only experience it when I'm in a romantic relationship (I don't get that way with friends).

I really want a relationship at this point because I want to learn to deal with that part of myself. I think it can only be overcome when forced to face it head on. However, my anxiety tends to send me into a downward obsessive spiral extremely early on in the dating process...every time. I get too freaked out by jealous feelings to even be able to see clearly, and I break it off.

I'm not sure how to overcome this. The best advice I can give is to stick with it.... make sure you're spending enough time by yourself, nurturing yourself... when I do feel jealous, the only thing that helps is to go back to basics, do something productive and take care of myself... clean, cook, paint my toenails or something. This brings me back to myself, and reminds me of who I am. I think that's the best thing to do - keep reminding yourself of who you are; bring yourself back to a "safe place", in solitude. I think if one does it enough, it can become second-nature. It takes a long time, but I believe it can be done. And with this, as with anything, it's a journey.

Good luck <3

Thanks so much. I hope you can find a good relationship soon.