first day back at school oh God help

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Annmaria
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29 Aug 2012, 3:59 pm

Just having a rant, haven't posted on this forum for sometime. My son first day back at school and he has come home upset saying the same he wants to die he is sad ask me to kill him. Feels he been happier dead, I don't know what to do have offered him homeschooling, spent a lot of time in the school last year putting things in place for him it seems fruitless. Asked if he wanted to change schools. I take him to the local services for reviews, he has a counselor see her when he needs to.

He just doesn't want to go to school he has state exams this year have put in for all the support that he can get. He is 14yrs have explained the consequences if he doesn't go to school. My daughter is doing her final year in school before college this will be very difficult for all of us if my son acts up I understand why he acts up he says he hates getting the pain in his stomach and feeling anxious all day and having panic attacks etc. Its a very difficult situation he doesn't have behavioral issues at school and is very smart getting B & C without putting any effort in.

At this stage I would let him stay at home but then I will have social workers and education board at my door. My husband and I run or own business which is suffering and I wasn't at work for most of last year because of my son difficulties at school. I cant let him stay at home by himself and I cant afford not to work as our business is at risk. I feel like I am banging my head over and over I cant face another year of upset and watching my whole family suffer and my son in so much pain.

I think my son tries to fit in to hard and finds this takes all his energy, i keep trying to encourage him to be himself and not try so hard but to no avail.

I know we have to take it day by day and enjoy the very few happy days we get when he is at school but its just very tiring.

Any suggestions would be good thanks in advance

Annmaria :cry:


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whirlingmind
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29 Aug 2012, 4:13 pm

Annmaria wrote:
Just having a rant, haven't posted on this forum for sometime. My son first day back at school and he has come home upset saying the same he wants to die he is sad ask me to kill him. Feels he been happier dead, I don't know what to do have offered him homeschooling, spent a lot of time in the school last year putting things in place for him it seems fruitless. Asked if he wanted to change schools. I take him to the local services for reviews, he has a counselor see her when he needs to.

He just doesn't want to go to school he has state exams this year have put in for all the support that he can get. He is 14yrs have explained the consequences if he doesn't go to school. My daughter is doing her final year in school before college this will be very difficult for all of us if my son acts up I understand why he acts up he says he hates getting the pain in his stomach and feeling anxious all day and having panic attacks etc. Its a very difficult situation he doesn't have behavioral issues at school and is very smart getting B & C without putting any effort in.

At this stage I would let him stay at home but then I will have social workers and education board at my door. My husband and I run or own business which is suffering and I wasn't at work for most of last year because of my son difficulties at school. I cant let him stay at home by himself and I cant afford not to work as our business is at risk. I feel like I am banging my head over and over I cant face another year of upset and watching my whole family suffer and my son in so much pain.

I think my son tries to fit in to hard and finds this takes all his energy, i keep trying to encourage him to be himself and not try so hard but to no avail.

I know we have to take it day by day and enjoy the very few happy days we get when he is at school but its just very tiring.

Any suggestions would be good thanks in advance

Annmaria :cry:


Hi Annmaria,

Oh I feel so sorry for you. You don't say what business you and your husband have, it is e.g. a shop, where your son could bring a laptop and books and sit in a back room working? That way you wouldn't have to be off work, you could keep an eye on him too.

Or is there any aspect of your business that you could do working from home and home-educate your son? I home educate my two children and I'm not saying it's easy but in your situation you are forced to make the best out of a bad situation and no solution will be perfect. Is flexi-schooling legal in Ireland (I'm presuming you're in the south)? It's legal in the UK, you just have to secure the head teacher's agreement. I can find information to send you a link about flexi-schooling if you like.

There also must be other options, when children are e.g. excluded from school they have to put in place other scenarios, such as units that children in that situation can get their education in. Are there also any SEN schools in your area? There do exist Asperger's and HFA schools in some places.

There are also distance learning options, he could spend time studying on library computers etc.

Your son may need counselling or even medication to lift his mood. It's awful that he feels that way and awful for you to have to worry over it.


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whirlingmind
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29 Aug 2012, 4:29 pm

A website about gifted children in Ireland: http://www.giftedkids.ie/

Samaritans Ireland, for emotional support for you and your son: http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someo ... eland.aspx

Irish Advocacy Network, supporting people with mental health issues: http://www.irishadvocacynetwork.com/

A UK based helpline run by young people, for peer support for young people age 11-19 for your son: http://www.youth2youth.co.uk/?gclid=CMS ... tAodiF0A_Q


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Annmaria
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29 Aug 2012, 4:40 pm

He is taking medication and has been going to counselling for about 3 years off and on. His counselor is there when he needs her. He is just refusing to do anything was thinking about flexi-school or reduced time table. But I feel he will just keep wanting to reduce it and become obsessed and then will be upset that he cant go to school like all the other children and start beating himself up about it. Its a never ending circle I make allowances and get supports and then there is another problem that becomes an obsession.

We run a computer shop and he does stay there from time to time but he gets bored easily has ADHD also it would not work out in long term. Tried to get him working or taking on responsibilities but no interest really. There is a AS school but my son not sure it would suit him I think he still finds it hard to accept his difficulties and dx's. He is a very good athlete and you cannot tell he has any difficulties unless you get to know him. It took his counselor a long time to agree that he had problems I was seen as the crazy mum annoying the principal and teachers had to fight for 5 yrs to get services for him. Had to make a complaint to the child ombudsman about the local services and the child ombudsman findings were that there actions had adversely effected my son because he was denied access to local services. I had dx's privately but because they were not supported by the local services my son's issues weren't taken seriously. Now after a long battle the local services are in agreement we are just getting support and my son doesn't want to go to school.

I have to try and look at the situation with an open mind but I am struggling to come up with solutions he is refusing home education and he should be sitting what is similar to gcse end of this year. If he agreed to home education how would I be able to prepare him for his exams.


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Annmaria
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29 Aug 2012, 4:46 pm

Thanks for the links whirlingmind, will have a look at them all need my son to agree and commit this seems impossible at the moment but will keep plugging away. Thanks again Annmaria


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schleppenheimer
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29 Aug 2012, 5:35 pm

If your son is a good athlete, are there school teams he can join? Usually kids on the spectrum are NOT athletically gifted, and that's one of the reasons why they don't do well socially. If your son did well on a team, he may do a little better socially, and he may like school some more.

Our son is a little older than yours, and has some skill with math, so we pushed him to take an honors math course this year. Already, he has a friend in that class who he now eats lunch with -- and this kid has friends who are also there at lunch -- all nice kids. Sometimes our kids find all the other kids on the spectrum in a school, and they don't get out of that group. I am just happy that my son is friends with both aspies and non-aspies -- finally.

I really do feel for you. I hope things improve for you and your son. This is a really frustrating situation. Is it just "school" that provides so much anxiety for your son? Or is the anxiety produced by trying to fit in socially?



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29 Aug 2012, 8:33 pm

Speaking from someone who has been there, and come out of it, it sounds like he needs some friends, and he needs to have fun.

You know that saying "the best years of your life?" and how that is frequently attributed to childhood? I always resented the way that everyone except me seemed to have much more fun.
There is a limit to what you can do to help him in this, being in that mothers are naturally fun-resistant (for a teenage boy).
Does he play computer games or something else that keeps him inside all the time? Again, speaking from experience, quite often this can have the illusion of fun when it really doesn't stimulate at all.
Teenagers need to socialise. He may disagree if he thinks he can't do it, but surely he craves a friend that he can speak his mind with.

As the above poster suggested, if there is a club or some group that he can join, where interests will gel introductions, that is a good place to start.



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29 Aug 2012, 8:45 pm

For sports he could try running or cross country track or swimming as these do not require as much coordination as soccer or rugby.


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whirlingmind
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30 Aug 2012, 5:46 am

Annmaria wrote:
He is taking medication and has been going to counselling for about 3 years off and on. His counselor is there when he needs her. He is just refusing to do anything was thinking about flexi-school or reduced time table. But I feel he will just keep wanting to reduce it and become obsessed and then will be upset that he cant go to school like all the other children and start beating himself up about it. Its a never ending circle I make allowances and get supports and then there is another problem that becomes an obsession.


You may need to put your foot down once you've taken the decision you feel is best for him. You can't change him being obsessive, but you can explain the logic and tell him that once he's into the routine of it he will feel better.

It's really sad that you were denied services, they should compensate you for that. Perhaps they have even more obligation in your son's case as they made his problems worse. As he gets bored easily, is there any local social group for children his age with AS? Maybe that would fill some more of his time and bring some activities and socialising opportunities to improve his skills in that area.

Annmaria wrote:
If he agreed to home education how would I be able to prepare him for his exams.


Have a look at this link, although it's about GCSEs in the UK, there is still some useful information and if you Google you might find specific information for Ireland: http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/teen ... exams.html


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Annmaria
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30 Aug 2012, 9:28 am

My son has friends and is in a lot of sports, football (irish), soccer, athletics, I think he finds it hard to keep trying to fit in he exhausts himself. He will complain about the soccer team but loves the game and keeps going back to training. He loves irish football also but says he doesn't like the team but doesn't miss training. Athletics is an individual sport so no probs there. He is liked by lots of peers male and female but he feels no one likes him, I keep telling him if he is finding hard to hang around with the group not too but then he feels he would be a loner and weirdo. But trying to fit in is causing him all this unhappiness and he feels so low that he makes threats of self harm and suicide. Every day he comes home from school he is so stressed and not wanting to return and I have the same talk with him. I feel I am pushing him and he is so miserable but at the same time he wants to mix with his peers. So I am lost and tired fighting this battle everyday since he started school and so worried about him have appointment for local services next week not sure if they are of any help or support but need to make sure he is safe.


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