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Rascal77s
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31 Aug 2012, 7:05 pm

rebbieh wrote:
Alfonso12345 wrote:

EDIT: And I hope that I'm still allowed to read and post things here even if it turns out I don't have AS.


Of course you can. You'll just have to pay the $15/month earthling fee.



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31 Aug 2012, 7:14 pm

rebbieh wrote:

These are a few examples of what I was like as a child:

- I started talking <early> and I could read when I was 3.5 years.
- I was a very cautious, observant and meek child.
- I always followed the rules and I was like a policeman at home, always busting my siblings when they did something wrong.
- I preferred reading, drawing and building with Lego.
- I was never a girly girl and I had always different interests to other girls my age.
- I was bullied in school.
- I liked collecting things and sorting my collections.
- My dad had to teach me how to hug people properly.
- I was socially anxious.
- I liked hanging out with adults and I remember I wanted to grow up quickly because I thought people my age were boring.


I left what describes my kids. My daughter has an autism diagnosis and my son has nonverbal learning disability, which his neurologist considers to be "on the spectrum."

rebbieh wrote:
I should also mention that when I told my mother about my memories from my childhood she's said that my memories are incorrect and that I base them on feelings rather than facts. That my memories are only memories of how I experienced things but not what reality really looked like. I never talked about my problems so maybe it's not so weird she didn't see them. I don't know. But she makes me question my own memories which makes me even more confused.


As a mother, I can tell you that moms' memories are often based on feelings rather than fact, too, and for her to suggest that your experience was irrelevant is preposterous. Of course your experience was relevant. Plus, there might be some degree of guilt hiding in there for not realizing you needed help and doing something. I know my own mom feels like crap about not noticing my ADD. Although to cut her some slack, when I was little, that was something that happened to boys and was often times seen as the equivalent to delinquency. I don't wonder why she didn't see it. And, like you, I hid a lot of it. I have had more than one expert tell me that they believe that highly intelligent girls on the spectrum are very likely to go unnoticed because they learn to adapt so well. I already see this in my daughter and she is only just about to turn 7.


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31 Aug 2012, 7:19 pm

Interseting. When I lived in the Dorm, it was hard at times.. I got along with a couple of my roomates, but not all of them. Frankly, my off-putting, anti-social ways resulted in most of them moving out. I spend 75% of my dorm days with my own room. Not as lonely as it sounds, since we had connected rooms but I had space to get away from people. in the end, this helped me actually enjoy most of my college years.

Sincerely,
Matthew



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31 Aug 2012, 7:27 pm

InThisTogether wrote:
As a mother, I can tell you that moms' memories are often based on feelings rather than fact, too, and for her to suggest that your experience was irrelevant is preposterous. Of course your experience was relevant. Plus, there might be some degree of guilt hiding in there for not realizing you needed help and doing something. I know my own mom feels like crap about not noticing my ADD. Although to cut her some slack, when I was little, that was something that happened to boys and was often times seen as the equivalent to delinquency. I don't wonder why she didn't see it. And, like you, I hid a lot of it. I have had more than one expert tell me that they believe that highly intelligent girls on the spectrum are very likely to go unnoticed because they learn to adapt so well. I already see this in my daughter and she is only just about to turn 7.


Is it really preposterous? What if I'm just so desperate to know why I've always felt so different and why life has always been so difficult that I've read about AS and made up things about my childhood? Unintentionally that is.

I'm really tired right now and I can't fall back to sleep (after they woke me up 1,5 hour ago) which might contribute to how I feel right now. I'm really anxious. I can't take not knowing anymore. I'm not saying this in order for you all to feel sorry for me. I'm saying this because it's the truth. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I hate my life. I don't even really know what I'm feeling right now. It might be despair and/or desperation.



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31 Aug 2012, 7:44 pm

rebbieh wrote:
Is it really preposterous? What if I'm just so desperate to know why I've always felt so different and why life has always been so difficult that I've read about AS and made up things about my childhood? Unintentionally that is.

I'm really tired right now and I can't fall back to sleep (after they woke me up 1,5 hour ago) which might contribute to how I feel right now. I'm really anxious. I can't take not knowing anymore. I'm not saying this in order for you all to feel sorry for me. I'm saying this because it's the truth. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I hate my life. I don't even really know what I'm feeling right now. It might be despair and/or desperation.


Yes, it is preposterous. The concept of a true "reality" is already a dubious one, because reality for each of us is highly tied to our own perceptions, feelings, and lenses. Who is to say hers is correct and yours is incorrect? If I would have been around, my version would undoubtedly be different than both of yours. You certainly didn't make up speaking and reading early, both of which I consider huge red flags for being neurologically atypical. You also did not make up your dad teaching you how to hug. And what gain would you have in remembering that you liked to make and sort collections, that you preferred reading and legos, and that you didn't share the same interests as other girls? It is not like you are "making up" implausible things. You are not claiming to have been abducted by aliens or being the victim of some secret child swapping ring in which you were raised by people who were not your family. You are simply recounting your experience as a child, ykwim?

I hate to see you in distress. No, I do not "feel sorry" for you. But to be honest, I doubt you are NT. I don't know for sure what you are, but I am pretty sure it is not typical. Try to get through this next week as best you can. Then you need to make a plan regarding how you are going to deal with this in the near future, because diagnosis isn't necessarily a quick process and you are going to have to find some way to function between now and then. I do think getting away from your current living situation will help. Please just hold tight and get through it.


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31 Aug 2012, 7:51 pm

It must be really tough to not have solitude. I live alone, so I dont know how I could cope with several weeks of people in my face all the time.



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31 Aug 2012, 7:57 pm

InThisTogether wrote:
Yes, it is preposterous. The concept of a true "reality" is already a dubious one, because reality for each of us is highly tied to our own perceptions, feelings, and lenses. Who is to say hers is correct and yours is incorrect? If I would have been around, my version would undoubtedly be different than both of yours. You certainly didn't make up speaking and reading early, both of which I consider huge red flags for being neurologically atypical. You also did not make up your dad teaching you how to hug. And what gain would you have in remembering that you liked to make and sort collections, that you preferred reading and legos, and that you didn't share the same interests as other girls? It is not like you are "making up" implausible things. You are not claiming to have been abducted by aliens or being the victim of some secret child swapping ring in which you were raised by people who were not your family. You are simply recounting your experience as a child, ykwim?

I hate to see you in distress. No, I do not "feel sorry" for you. But to be honest, I doubt you are NT. I don't know for sure what you are, but I am pretty sure it is not typical. Try to get through this next week as best you can. Then you need to make a plan regarding how you are going to deal with this in the near future, because diagnosis isn't necessarily a quick process and you are going to have to find some way to function between now and then. I do think getting away from your current living situation will help. Please just hold tight and get through it.


But, if I'm not NT and if I'm not making things up, how come things have gotten much worse lately? Up until I was 17 my biggest problems were getting bullied, feeling different, social anxiety and eating problems. After that up until now (I'm almost 22) everything has gotten worse. I'm still socially anxious and anxious in general, I'm getting more and more introverted (though I've always been very introverted), I need routine now more than ever, I'm completely stuck in my head (which I've always sort of been but it's getting even worse now), I've got more meltdowns, I get angrier, I can't handle my emotions (I've always had difficulties with my emotions), my sensory issues are worse and I doubt myself, my memories and my sanity. Why are things getting worse?

I've just registered in my "new city". On Monday I'm going to contact a psychologist and book an appointment. Will probably not get to see a psychologist until mid-November. I will also queue for getting assessed for AS. That will take up to 2 years. Not sure how I'll deal with my life until then.

EDIT: Corrected spelling mistakes.



Last edited by rebbieh on 31 Aug 2012, 8:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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31 Aug 2012, 7:58 pm

ScottyN wrote:
It must be really tough to not have solitude. I live alone, so I dont know how I could cope with several weeks of people in my face all the time.


I can't cope. I'll have a meltdown any day now.



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31 Aug 2012, 8:10 pm

rebbieh wrote:
Alfonso12345 wrote:
I think I understand what you are saying. It could just be that the people you have told who start out accepting in the beginning, but then later on either ignore it or don't believe you anymore, just simply don't understand what it's like to be you. If only you had a friend who was able to fully understand you and the issues that you have to deal with. Maybe if you had a friend like that to stay with, the situation would be much better. I really do wish I knew how to help or how to make the entire situation better, but I really don't.


The only people who have really tried to understand what I'm going through and the only people who seem to care are you guys here at WP. I've never met someone like-minded "in real life".

EDIT: And I hope that I'm still allowed to read and post things here even if it turns out I don't have AS.


At least you have WP to turn to when you need help or advice. But I really hate that all I can say is, "It will get better eventually." while not being able to help at all. If I happened to be living on my own and had a friend in the same situation as you, I would let them stay with me and then both myself and my guest would be able to get the time alone we would both need and both my guest and I would benefit.

Even if it turns out you don't have AS, you will always be welcome here. WP isn't a cult and no one on here is going to shun you or ban you for not having AS. :)



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31 Aug 2012, 8:28 pm

rebbieh wrote:

But, if I'm not NT and if I'm not making things up, how come things have gotten much worse lately? Up until I was 17 my biggest problems were getting bullied, feeling different, social anxiety and eating problems. After that up until now (I'm almost 22) everything has gotten worse. I'm still socially anxious and anxious in general, I'm getting more and more introverted (though I've always been very introverted), I need routine now more than ever, I'm completely stuck in my head (which I've always sort of been but it's getting even worse now), I've got more meltdowns, I get angrier, I can't handle my emotions (I've always had difficulties with my emotions), my sensory issues are worse and I doubt myself, my memories and my sanity. Why are things getting worse?


I know a woman who was actually diagnosed with autism at a young age. She learned a lot of compensatory skills at a very young age and grew up her whole life, not knowing she was autistic. Her parents never told her. And she had no reason to suspect it. When she moved away from home, she started having a lot of problems and a lot of symptoms, such as stimming, that she had no idea where they were coming from. She said it scared the crap out of her.

There are some people on the spectrum who do a very good job of compensating as long as their environment is predictable and stable. Heck, in the right environment, you'd never even know my daughter has issues for the most part. But throw in one unexpected thing, or make one thing not go the way she believes it should, and the whole compensatory facade comes crumbling down. She can't "read" her environment. But once she learns the "rules" required to navigate it, she does so pretty flawlessly for an almost 7 year old. But when you change the rules, she is quite literally lost and she cannot compensate for what she does not understand. It is likely, in my mind, that you are experiencing the grown-up version of what she experiences. As you near adulthood, people's expectations of you change, but rarely do they sit you down and explain why or what the new expectations are. And you have no innate way to figure it out, so your stress builds because the former rules that worked, no longer work, you don't know why, and you can't figure out what the new rules are. On top of that, now you are in a brand new environment that is preventing the few coping mechanisms that were still working for you (solitude). I do not find it at all odd that you feel like you are getting "worse." In fact, if you weren't getting "worse" then I'd say there is probably little likelihood you are on the spectrum.

At least this is my NT-ish interpretation of what I think might be happening. (I will not be offended if someone one the spectrum tells me I am wrong, btw. In fact, I'd like to know, because this is my understanding of how my daughter works, and if I've got it wrong, I'd like to know so I can fix it. It being my interpretation, not her).

Also, if it helps you feel better, I consider myself to be smack dab in the middle of NT and AS, and on that AS test, I was in the low 100s for NT and the mid to high 90s for AS, so you are definitely more AS than I am. I also know a lot of super-critical Aspies who find that test to be quite accurate. And, as I said, they are pretty critical. So I think you can be fairly confident in the results.


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31 Aug 2012, 8:33 pm

Would this help? http://www.tripleclicks.com/detail.php?item=4409


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01 Sep 2012, 2:01 am

InThisTogether wrote:
I know a woman who was actually diagnosed with autism at a young age. She learned a lot of compensatory skills at a very young age and grew up her whole life, not knowing she was autistic. Her parents never told her. And she had no reason to suspect it. When she moved away from home, she started having a lot of problems and a lot of symptoms, such as stimming, that she had no idea where they were coming from. She said it scared the crap out of her.

There are some people on the spectrum who do a very good job of compensating as long as their environment is predictable and stable. Heck, in the right environment, you'd never even know my daughter has issues for the most part. But throw in one unexpected thing, or make one thing not go the way she believes it should, and the whole compensatory facade comes crumbling down. She can't "read" her environment. But once she learns the "rules" required to navigate it, she does so pretty flawlessly for an almost 7 year old. But when you change the rules, she is quite literally lost and she cannot compensate for what she does not understand. It is likely, in my mind, that you are experiencing the grown-up version of what she experiences. As you near adulthood, people's expectations of you change, but rarely do they sit you down and explain why or what the new expectations are. And you have no innate way to figure it out, so your stress builds because the former rules that worked, no longer work, you don't know why, and you can't figure out what the new rules are. On top of that, now you are in a brand new environment that is preventing the few coping mechanisms that were still working for you (solitude). I do not find it at all odd that you feel like you are getting "worse." In fact, if you weren't getting "worse" then I'd say there is probably little likelihood you are on the spectrum.

At least this is my NT-ish interpretation of what I think might be happening. (I will not be offended if someone one the spectrum tells me I am wrong, btw. In fact, I'd like to know, because this is my understanding of how my daughter works, and if I've got it wrong, I'd like to know so I can fix it. It being my interpretation, not her).

Also, if it helps you feel better, I consider myself to be smack dab in the middle of NT and AS, and on that AS test, I was in the low 100s for NT and the mid to high 90s for AS, so you are definitely more AS than I am. I also know a lot of super-critical Aspies who find that test to be quite accurate. And, as I said, they are pretty critical. So I think you can be fairly confident in the results.


But I never think things like "oh, now my environment has changed and I can't read it so things are getting much worse" etc. I mean, I don't consciously know if I can read my environment or not. It's a bit difficult to explain but do you know what I mean? Right now it feels like I was a "normal" child who turned into someone with a lot of social issues and other problems a person with AS might have. But there's no way I can have AS if I didn't have it when I was a child.

Also, I find it difficult to understand how someone can be "smack dab in the middle of NT and AS" (no offence whatsoever). In my mind you're either NT or AS (doesn't mean that's how it really is). In my mind things are either black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, on or off etc. That's why I've never really thought that I might be an NT with some AS traits and even know that I think about it I can't really imagine it and understand it. I'm not stupid, I just miss that there are things in the middle of either extreme and I can't really grasp it.

About the rdos test. I've heard many different theories. Some people say it's quite reliable and others say it's utter rubbish. All I know is that I score about 130 of 200 AS points and 89 out of 200 NT points and that I score 38 on the AQ test while my boyfriend, for example, scores 16 (which is the average score) on that test. I have another friend who scored 10 on the AQ test. I don't understand how one can score that low.

InThisTogether wrote:


I already sleep with earplugs in my ears every night. Thanks though.



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01 Sep 2012, 8:29 am

rebbieh wrote:
But I never think things like "oh, now my environment has changed and I can't read it so things are getting much worse" etc.


I doubt someone on the spectrum would think that. Until they "learn" it, I am sure that people don't know they are missing social cues.

rebbieh wrote:
Right now it feels like I was a "normal" child who turned into someone with a lot of social issues and other problems a person with AS might have. But there's no way I can have AS if I didn't have it when I was a child.


I see the experiences you posted earlier as consistent with being on the spectrum.

rebbieh wrote:
Also, I find it difficult to understand how someone can be "smack dab in the middle of NT and AS" (no offence whatsoever). In my mind you're either NT or AS (doesn't mean that's how it really is). In my mind things are either black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, on or off etc. That's why I've never really thought that I might be an NT with some AS traits and even know that I think about it I can't really imagine it and understand it. I'm not stupid, I just miss that there are things in the middle of either extreme and I can't really grasp it.


I think the fact that I can see how someone can be smack dab in the middle, while you cannot, lends credence to the idea that I do not have AS, but perhaps you do. Failing to be able to see "grey" is typical of people on the spectrum. I say I am smack dab in the middle because I am too typical to be on the spectrum, but I am too spectrummy to be typical.

rebbieh wrote:
About the rdos test. I've heard many different theories. Some people say it's quite reliable and others say it's utter rubbish. All I know is that I score about 130 of 200 AS points and 89 out of 200 NT points and that I score 38 on the AQ test while my boyfriend, for example, scores 16 (which is the average score) on that test. I have another friend who scored 10 on the AQ test. I don't understand how one can score that low.


I think the reason some people call it rubbish is because they guy who created it theorizes that people with AS decended from Neanderthals. I think because they get hung up on the pejorative connotation of of Neanderthal, they get stuck and can't move past it. Your AQ score is significantly higher than mine. I usually score in the mid to high 20's. Again. Higher than typical people, but not high enough to be an Aspie.

I am going to ask you a question, and please don't take it the wrong way...is it helping you to continue this discussion? Or is it making you feel more stressed? Because if it is making you feel more stressed, it is OK to stop. In other words, you do not have to feel pressured to respond to me because I responded to you. If you have nothing more to say, it is OK. I will not be upset or angry. I mean, if this is useful to you, you should continue. But if it is not, you can stop.


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01 Sep 2012, 8:52 am

InThisTogether wrote:
I think the fact that I can see how someone can be smack dab in the middle, while you cannot, lends credence to the idea that I do not have AS, but perhaps you do. Failing to be able to see "grey" is typical of people on the spectrum. I say I am smack dab in the middle because I am too typical to be on the spectrum, but I am too spectrummy to be typical.


But maybe I just think I fail to see the "grey" areas when I'm actually able to see them. What if I'm "faking"? I worry a lot about faking. It's probably very irrational, but it's one of the many things that make me very anxious.

InThisTogether wrote:
I am going to ask you a question, and please don't take it the wrong way...is it helping you to continue this discussion? Or is it making you feel more stressed? Because if it is making you feel more stressed, it is OK to stop. In other words, you do not have to feel pressured to respond to me because I responded to you. If you have nothing more to say, it is OK. I will not be upset or angry. I mean, if this is useful to you, you should continue. But if it is not, you can stop.


This is useful for me. It might be because I just want reassurance but I think it's mostly because I just want someone to listen. You people at WP listen to me and you understand me. Other people don't. Not even my boyfriend does. I think it's nice being able to write here and talk about things. I've actually got more to say. Something happened just now that I wanted to share. I hope you (and the others who read this) don't get tired of me. If you don't have anything to say you're very much allowed to stop writing, ok?

Anyway, what I wanted to share was something that just happened. I went to the supermarket to buy some food (feeling too crappy to cook so I just bought food I can put in the oven). The supermarket's about 5 minutes away from here. It's raining outside which is annoying, my phone wasn't working properly and while I was in the supermarket I just felt how I got incredibly annoyed at the people there. Especially this one girl. She was about 15 or something and she just wouldn't lift her feet properly while walking which made this annoying noise. Made me really angry. I wasn't scared when at the supermarket (at least I don't think so) but I was feeling something (anxiety/depression/anger/annoyance/something) so intense that I was almost shaking and I almost started crying. I don't understand what's happening to me. Why don't I like people? I'm supposed to like people but I don't. I like certain people (family, boyfriend etc) but I generally don't like people. Not anymore.

Then I got home and one of the people living here is playing crappy music while throwing cutlery back into the drawer. And I'm anxious because they're having a party tonight and I'm sleep deprived. Not being able to be by myself is driving me insane. Why are these things bothering me when they don't bother "normal" people? I get so angry. I'm sorry for writing so much about it but I'm really going through an awfully hard time right now.

EDIT: By the way, you said you're "too typical" to be on the spectrum. What is typical anyway?



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01 Sep 2012, 9:14 am

rebbieh wrote:

EDIT: By the way, you said you're "too typical" to be on the spectrum. What is typical anyway?


I mean "typical" as in the "T" in "NT."

Right now it sounds to me like you are in sensory overload, which is probably being heightened by your lack of sleep. Can you stay with your boyfriend tonight so you can avoid the further overload of the party?

BTW, I was off from work this week to take care of my kids until school starts next week. I may not post as much going forward, but please do not think it has anything to do with you. I just get very busy as I am a single mom with two kids and a 1.5 hour commute everyday. Not much time left for socializing on the 'net.


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01 Sep 2012, 9:22 am

InThisTogether wrote:
rebbieh wrote:

EDIT: By the way, you said you're "too typical" to be on the spectrum. What is typical anyway?


I mean "typical" as in the "T" in "NT."

Right now it sounds to me like you are in sensory overload, which is probably being heightened by your lack of sleep. Can you stay with your boyfriend tonight so you can avoid the further overload of the party?

BTW, I was off from work this week to take care of my kids until school starts next week. I may not post as much going forward, but please do not think it has anything to do with you. I just get very busy as I am a single mom with two kids and a 1.5 hour commute everyday. Not much time left for socializing on the 'net.


Yeah but I mean, what counts as "typical"? Maybe I'm typical only I'm going through something I can't handle.

Sensory overload. Yes, maybe. All sounds annoy me right now. Everything annoys me right now. Unfortunately I can't stay with my boyfriend. We're doing long-distance for a few months. I think I'll go to a quiet pub somewhere and drink a bit. I really don't feel like it right now, but I'd rather do that than being here. Unfortunately (and this is what I'm most anxious about when it comes to tonight) people will probably still be here when it's time for me to come back here. What do I do then? There will be people where I'm supposed to sleep. I don't want to socialise with them.

That's okay. Just answer whenever you can and only if you want to.