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MindWithoutWalls
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09 Sep 2012, 4:49 pm

My girlfriend often says nothing when I tell or ask her something, and I never know if it's because she didn't hear me, is still thinking and just hasn't answered yet, or has no answer and has nothing to say. She doesn't take any recreational drugs.

Some of the other members here have been through relationship strife because of Asperger's. Sometimes it's the Aspie posting about it, sometimes the NT partner. Although some relationships make it, not all do, because it's such tough going. I'm not trying to discourage you. What I'm saying is really that I'm worried about you, as well as him, because Asperger's really puts stress on a relationship, and relationships are already sometimes tough to hold onto, even for NT/NT couples. Those of us on the spectrum who are trying to save our relationships are working very hard at it, because we realize we have a long way to go and must take on our fair share of the responsibility without carrying all the burden. It's a balance we strive to achieve, and it means being honest enough with ourselves to make things right with our partners rather than ignoring things or beating ourselves up over the wrong things.

It sounds like he may not have adjusted properly at all to his diagnosis. It's very hard for late-diagnosed adults. It seems he may be telling himself very wrong things about what it means and wallowing in guilt, I'm sorry to say. Also, while many Aspies can and do work, others can't and have a long history of unsuccessful attempts. There seems to be no acknowledgement in public realms of any reasonable ground - the reality of being on the spectrum - between all autistics being completely unable to work and the "super-cryp" image that any person with any disabling factor in their lives can not only somehow find a way to do all the things others can do but must also be amazing and capable beyond the average person in some way or another. This is unfair, and it causes a great deal of unnecessary stress. (By the way, do you happen to know if your husband grew up being shamed a great deal about his behaviors and things? Perhaps he can't move beyond this and is seeing his diagnosis as a justification for the ill treatment and negative attitudes from others in his past. Just a guess. I don't know him, so it's a shot in the dark that I'm hoping might shed some light.)

I stopped working years ago, because of my fibromyalgia, long before I knew I had Asperger's and how that was affecting me. I never stopped being a useful, worthwhile person. Maybe your husband needs to broaden his thinking and give himself a break. (My father is probably on the spectrum, though he doesn't know it, and he has a PhD. He worked steadily during the earlier part of his adulthood but has been struggling for many years now.)

I'm glad you're getting a rest today. I'm also glad you've come here for support. Maybe you might want to look into other kinds of support that might be face-to-face, with other people who have loved ones on the spectrum. You should never feel that you have to deal with so much on your own. Even after a year-and-a-half, a late diagnosis can be very tricky to deal with. You have health issues of your own to deal with, and I'll bet you could use some relief.


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Jtuk
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09 Sep 2012, 6:05 pm

You said his issues have become far worse over the past year, with him being diagnosed 1.5 years ago and that you've been together for 2. Was he acting this way when you started this relationship?

Jason.



LucikaSky
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10 Sep 2012, 7:40 am

To answer the question about his upbringing and past and being shamed for his behavior it's a mixed response. At school he was picked on horribly not only by kids but a little by teachers. If the teachers didn't pick on him or tell him to toughen up then they ignored the problems and did not contact his parents and he wasn't able to communicate how bad it was so no one was able to help him. As far as family though he couldn't have been luckier. His parents have always been and still are Incredibly loving and supportive. Sometimes too supportive in that they have babied him and his mother tended to try to fix everything for him so he would stop being upset faster because she hated to see him in pain. I get that as a mother that's so hard to not do that but it really prevented him from learning to cope with things on his own which is why now that he's expected to be able to do these things without his mother things are very hard for him to deal with. I refuse to take over where his mother left off and it's the last thing he wants me to do. He even resents his mother a little for babying him but I think this is another way for his problems to be someone else's fault. I try to tell him that even though it's not fair and not his fault but that he is the only one who can truly change or improve things. I'm not sure what his feelIngs are on that. As far as the question on his behavior before diagnosis he wasn't having as big of issues to begin with even though I clearly could see he was AS from the first time I met him. I actually was pretty interested in learning about AS before we met and thought about going to school to help children with AS before I got sick. Things got bad after we broke up for a month due to just being over stressed about our scheduling and travel issues. When we got back together he had major anxieties about the break up and to this day feels a huge amount of guilt over it and within a few months things started going downhill which is when I asked him to get an official diagnosis and help.



BrisMike
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10 Sep 2012, 8:06 am

Hi

I'm not anti drugs but in reality turning to weed is not going to help might make it worse.

Get help from a doctor. My meltdowns have been less frequent the thing which kept me from melting was taking up a hobby which is home renovation. I don't advocate this better to see a doctor and a professional but it is what worked for me.

It's taken me up to 47 years of age to let go (I hate those words, move on and closure are annoying too) of the teacher and bullying but it gets to a stage where when a lot of the self-blame goes it gets easier.

Very best of luck to you both.



MindWithoutWalls
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11 Sep 2012, 6:16 pm

I got bullied, sometimes by teachers, too. Home was a mixed bag of lots of tolerance in some cases, little to none in others. I likely came from an Aspie family - on both sides.

Given all you've said, I stand by my book recommendations made in my earlier post and also the recommendations of others made in their posts for what to try or to consider. Please see what support and reading your husband is willing to take an interest in for his part. (If he wants to seek community support online but doesn't want to be on the same forum as you, for privacy's sake, there are some others he can try.)

This process will be a long haul, as many here can attest. Please bear in mind our continued support as you make your way through this process. All the best to you. Don't hesitate to return for further questions or to express your feelings as you deal with this situation.


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Matt62
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11 Sep 2012, 7:22 pm

Yeah, I thought at 50 I had finally moved beyond this aspect of it. NO WAY! Damn it all! However, I do know the things that can set me off. This was the result of TWO different stressors at once so at least its not so easy for me to explode or go into a near catatonic state ( my version of shutdown is JUST *THAT*!) anymore.
Try to find out the things involved & maybe the situation can be avoided in the future.

Sincerely,
Matthew



LucikaSky
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11 Sep 2012, 7:59 pm

Thanks again for every ones help and ideas. I will look into the books recommended, I read a lot and he is willing to read these too even though they take him a while, it is something he can do without difficulty so he is perfectly willing to do that. He has a therapy session tomorrow which I am attending with him. I have suggested online forums for support for him, but he's more of a face to face kind of person so he prefers the therapy sessions. I do want to report that ever since Sunday when he took the kids so I could rest and feel better, things have been great. I have no idea what has gotten into him but he has been in a good mood, and has been motivated to get up and get things done and not sleep the day away. I wouldn't say overly motivated though which I think is a good thing. I know that it's normal for someone who struggles to get themselves out of a depression to suddenly be overly motivated and happy and then crash hard after and be as bad or worse than before, but that doesn't seem to be the way he is. I am glad we have the session tomorrow because where he's in such a good place right now, maybe he will be more receptive. That is what I am hoping at least. I know this wont last forever and neither does he, but I am truly amazed at what a difference our whole household feels when he's in a better place in his head. I think that him doing that for me when I was sick on Sunday, and my reaction which was just that I was surprised and so grateful really helped. He felt so good about himself and it wore off onto other things since then. I think it also helped that he good feedback from his parents when they realized what a great thing he did and how not normal it is for him to think of that on his own, so their praise certainly did a lot of good too and I am so grateful for that. I asked him if part of why he wanted to take the kids with him was to show off to his family what a "great man" he was being for doing this for me and he admitted that it was a little part of it and we got a good laugh out of that. Tomorrow is looking like to be a good day, we have the day planned out together and I am looking forward to it but I am not making a big fuss out of it and showing too much of my expectations because that will probably just make him feel pressure and nervous about messing it up. That's one thing I have learned to help him is to not put too much pressure on things that I want to go well. Telling him of my high expectations is like asking him to have a meltdown. If I don't make a big deal of things, it goes a lot smoother.



MindWithoutWalls
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12 Sep 2012, 1:14 pm

This is great news, and I think you're doing the right things. :-) Doing something for the one you love, or for anyone, really, is always a mood booster! There will, of course, be future difficulties. But it's good for him to know it's not all just that he frustrates or confuses other people. He can see good things he can do. This is very good.


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artfulldodger
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27 Mar 2015, 7:04 pm

I am 42, officaly dx'ed with Aspergers just over a year ago. Anything that upsets my routine can and sometimes will cause a meltdown, they are much less frequent now as I have learned to minimize the impact to my routine and my wife helps calm me down instead of enabling the meltdown like she did before my dx. For me now, I am having trouble with shutdowns. My meltdowns were violent, either towards the person that I saw as the "straw that broke the camels back" or towards objects. Stuff would get thrown, broke with lots of regret after I came out of the meltdown. My shutdowns tend to be my curling into a ball, either on the couch, on the floor or on the bed and crying till I fall asleep from exhaustion. They tend to happen when I am very upset about stuff or myself. The world around me becomes a blur and gets very slow. As I explained to my wife, a meltdown is more dangerious to her or objects, my shutdowns are more dangerious to me as many times I will contemplate suicide during the depth of the shutdown. I have never attempted but I have thought about it. The issues right now that are keeping me on the verge of more shutdowns are not going to go away easily as they are financial related and work related, along with extended family health issues. dodger


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AQ score 43
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Your Aspie score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 59 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


MindWithoutWalls
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28 Mar 2015, 3:34 pm

My troubles have gotten to be much less as time has gone on since my Dx. That was almost three years ago, and that understanding has really improved my relationship. My girlfriend and I work together now, and we both relate to each other better and meet each other's needs better whenever tough times come up.

My therapist told me holding ice cubes would help me not to do anything self-injurious, because it's what they have "cutters" do in order to avoid cutting themselves. I'm not a cutter, but I've had other issues in moments of distress. Holding ice cubes apparently has the same effect in the brain as cutting. I don't necessarily feel much better after they've melted, but my desire to attack myself (my tendency, instead of directing it towards others) is reduced enough to keep me from doing anything else. The ice melts long before it can do any harm, such as frostbite, but the discomfort of gripping the cubes takes the edge off any urge to be destructive.


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LucikaSky
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28 Mar 2015, 4:42 pm

We split up.