Sensory Issues with Clothing/ Care of your child

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Hi Everyone,

I'm posting this because I'm worried about how I'm being perceived as a parent, IRL. About a week ago, my daughter told me that one of the support staff at school had told her that she needed to wear something under her sweatshirt. I thought this was strange. We're only leaving summer, it hasn't gotten cold yet. She's warm enough, as the sweatshirt is thick and fleecy and she has a warm padded coat too. I know layers are warmer, but, it has not been cold up until now anyway and the items she has on are warm. She certainly hasn't complained about being cold. I wondered if it was because of the way it looks, i.e. other kids wear a poloshirt under their sweatshirts , with the collar on top of the sweatshirt. But, there are no hard and fast rules, with regards to uniform. The staff member has approached her a couple of times in the playground and even opened her jacket to check. I would actually prefer that she was wearing a poloshirt and cardigan, which could be removed if she got too hot. However, she point blank refuses to wear layers and will even remove her coat, leaving only one layer, if she feels she can get away with it. So, she is actually wearing a sweatshirt earlier in the season than I had hoped.

Yesterday, it was fairly cold. Well, the wind was cold, but it's no lower than 10C. I knew her top half was still fine. But, I was concerned about her legs. She just had on quite thin trousers, so after going outside to check, I said it would be best if we went back inside and put something on under them, e.g. leggings or tights. She refused, as always. I said to her that she should not complain about the cold then, as she had been warned. She said she was OK, didn't complain and seemed fine.

But, yesterday afternoon, I received a call from one of the depute heads at the school. She said, 'Do you know E isn't wearing anything under her sweatshirt? She has told a staff member that she's cold. It's very cold today.' I explained the situation about layers and that, if anything, it was probably her legs that were cold. She said she understood about the sensory issues. She's really lovely and I understand that she's just concerned. I said I would try to get her to wear pyjama bottoms or something else under her trousers and that was fine.

So, when I went to collect my daughter from school, I told her that I was cross with her for not wearing something under her trousers, as I had asked her to. I was also cross that she had told a member of staff that she was cold, when she had told me that she was going to be fine. She told me that she hadn't felt cold at all and hadn't told anyone she was cold either. But, she mentioned that the member of staff had approached her again in the playground and said that she must be cold, with nothing on under her sweatshirt. My daughter, thinking that it would be 'talking back' to correct her, never said a word.

The funny thing is, as I took my daughter into the playground this morning (which is even colder and windier than yesterday), I saw a load of girls wearing pinafores and socks and thin coats. Their thighs and knees were completely exposed to the elements and they did look cold. There are so many of them that I doubt all of their parents are getting phonecalls from the school. There has been several days (including today and yesterday) when I would not have dreamt of putting such items on my daughter. I've even seen many girls wearing checked summer dresses and ankle socks, when in my opinion it was not warm enough. My daughter only wears those on exceptionally warm days (and we don't get many here).

I'm just wondering why my daughter has been singled out. It's really upsetting, as I try my very best to do the right thing for her. When she was a baby/toddler, she was very wrapped up. I bought this amazing buggy snuggle which made her really cosy and other kids barely had a blanket. But, since she has become more independent, she has set the rules and there's no arguing with her. However, I think on this occasion, the staff member is concerning herself needlessly and I'm actually quite angry about it, especially as my daughter did not complain about being cold at all (she can't lie, so I believe her).

Does anyone else feel like they are being perceived as a poor parent, due to your child making personal clothing choices?

A possible explanation: maybe the staff member thinks your daughter ought to be wearing a bra.

She's 6.

Is it possible your daughter is inadvertantly flashing her chest during recess? Most sweatshirts tend to fit loose around the body, and if she's hanging from playground equipment, doing cartwheels, or anything of that sort, I can see how the sweatshirt might fly up...

Have you tried camisoles? My daughter isn't a big fan of layers (she's NT) but she loves camisoles because they are what "big girls wear". They have tagless ones at our Target, they are Hanes brand. Some of them are pink with a bit of lace at the top, they loves them.

As for her pants, I've seen fleece-lined khakis before... she might like that better than layers (I always HATED layers on the bottom. Never, ever felt comfortable.)

Good luck! I'm sure I drove my dad crazy with my clothes issues.. I hated tags, turtlenecks (still do!), tights, layers, belts, short socks, etc, etc.

I wonder if you can have a conversation with the one staff member who seems to be instigating this, to see what her version of the story is. Find out why she seems to be so doggedly concerned about this. Ask her if what your daughter is wearing is so different from the kids, and if she is constantly checking on the other children's attire.

Maybe even better than the above: Is it possible to go pay a surprise visit so you can see yourself during recess, what the heck is going on? I doubt she would try to check under your daughter's jacket while you are there, but she might very well say something to you. Maybe you could hash it out, then.

Edited to add: If she is wearing a coat over her clothes, I can't imagine what the problem is, if the coat is warm enough.

Sounds like some cultural issue to me...your are in the UK, right? I have never heard of something like this (no shirt under a sweatshirt) being an issue in the US.

It sounds to me like the staff member assumes your DD is not capable of taking care of herself and that someone needs to tell that staff member to mind her own business. Saying something like that to a child once or twice might be appropriate but it sounds like this person has an obsession with your DD. I could understand if the situation were as anticipate suggested, her sweatshirt riding up while she is playing and the staff member thinking that is inappropriate but otherwise, no. DS's K teacher last year kept trying to make him put on his coat to go outside and often it was a struggle. I told her to forget it. If he refuses to put on his coat, he can be cold (which generally he is not, it is as if that child is his own little furnace). If he gets cold, he might remember that and be more willing to put his coat on the next day. The teacher was reluctant to allow this but she was definitely interested in doing anything that would reduce the number of difficulties she had with DS each day. I assured her I was fine with it and I was able to convince her that he would be OK. THey only spend about 15 minutes outside at a shot and when it is REALLY cold here (well below freezing), they don't go out at all.

Yes OMG yes all the time!! My 4yo AS daughter will only ever wear a summer dress, she wont wear socks, tights, leggings, trousers, jeans, shorts, boots, jumpers, cardigans, long sleeves, she tolerates sandals but takes them off as soon as she can. I used to battle with it every morning but found it too much as this set the mood for the rest of the day so would ruin any plans and when its every day it got me and her down. Over the summer holidays shes been much better behaved because she has been able to run around bare foot with a summer dress on and nothing in her hair, shes not keen on clips or headbands either but has very long hair thats always in her face which doesnt seem to bother her. She looks adorably scruffy like a little commune hippy which is so cute, we call her Mowgli like the boy off the jungle book coz shes a bit feral lol! But its what makes her happy and really thats all I can wish for. However on school days and cooler days we still have the battle. Im dreading the winter. She says she doesnt feel the cold (and genuinely doesnt seem to) but I feel awful when Im stood there wearing boots, jumper and a coat, with her little sister all wrapped up in a blanket and shes floating about in a flimsy dress and no shoes. I feel like people will be looking at me thinking 'why hasnt that woman put a coat on her daughter when she obviously feels the need to wear one herself'. But what can ya do :/ Im in the UK too so we wont be getting any dress weather again for a long time!

She has just started a private school with quite strict uniform regulations. Shes been there 2 weeks and shes already putting her stamp on the uniform, she wears her hat backwards so the ribbon is dangling down over her face, she rolls her knee high socks down and she takes her hair bobble out to have her hair down when its supposed to be tied back at all times! Not my problem though if the school wanna enforce these rules they can do it! They havent spoken to me about it yet but Im sure they will when shes settled in a bit more. We also have "toy Friday" where kids are allowed to take toys in but they have to be small enough to fit in their book bag, she takes this as a challenge and will argue about which toy to take and again I dont want to argue so I let the school deal with the dispute when she arrives with a massive pink Elephant soft toy and theres no way it would ever fit in a book bag

I think part of the problem is that AS kids can be so grown up in some ways but not in others. I often dont know how to treat my daughter, she wants and sometimes needs to be treated like a grown up but she is still only 4. Teachers will automatically treat her like all the other 4 year olds and I feel like its quite patronising in a way. But I have found that letting her get dressed in the morning is what keeps her happy. When we kept trying to put her in things she didnt want to wear she would go all floppy and seem as though she literally couldnt get herself dressed but over the summer she got herself dressed in a summer dress everyday so she can do it when she wants to. I like to give her some adult choices to make her feel respected and this makes her happy but teachers assume they know best. If shes cold she will tell me, I usually carry a cardigan, tights and proper shoes with me incase she gets cold but I never need them and she would rather be cold anyway. We will see what happens when the weather gets even colder but shes still ok for the moment, we are in the midlands which has been about 16 degrees c so still mild enough for dresses at a push.

I think it's important to identify why the school is having an issue. There were some good points about accidental exposure and stuff like that.

I would suggest setting up a meeting and finding out their concerns. I was stubborn about that to until one day I wore a sweatshirt to Field Day and was so hot I thought I'd die.

NEVER again did I not layer.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've not been on my computer all weekend, so this is the first chance I've had to respond. There's a meeting arranged for next Tuesday. I haven't officially been told about it yet, but the ed psych told me about it a few weeks ago. This is to discuss her assisted needs plan, so I will raise the matter then. I forgot to say in my post above that the depute head told me the senior staff were going to be having a meeting with the support staff, this week, to discuss kids with quirks and assisted needs, e.g. will only eat ham sandwiches, and my daughter will be discussed. So, hopefully she'll be able to feed back to me what the staff have said about her. I hate to think that the staff are saying something like, 'Poor wee E. Her Mummy doesn't have a clue'. I know there are many kids in her school who the staff should be worried about (and probably are), but she's not one of them.

I used to battle every morning too and it just put a black cloud over my head, for the rest of the day. She should actually be wearing a pinafore, blouse and tie (and probably cardigan and tights now) and a poloshirt/sweatshirt and trousers only on gym days. I discovered that she was more compliant on gym days, so decided that it was best if we just went with the gym day clothes every day. Boys wear this uniform every day, (some wear shirts and ties, but just as many wear polo/sweat shirts), so I concluded that it was fine for her too. The only problem with the school happened when I changed her from a poloshirt to a sweatshirt.
Same here, with regards to hair, although her hair is just past her shoulders. She will allow me to place a hairband on her head, in the morning. But, she comes home with it in her bag and will sometimes hand it to me before she goes into school. Clasps and baubles are a no-no (in fact she has a phobia of baubles and even hates the word).
I had considered putting my daughter in a private school (small class numbers and probably more strict on noise/disruption). However, I read in the syllabus that the girls had to wear a specific type of glove (there's a strict dress code, but this stood out more than anything). Either, we'd have a fight each morning and she'd be standing in the playground, in the freezing cold, with no gloves on, or the school would allow her to wear different gloves and she'd stand out like a sore thumb.
There has been times when I've just had to relent and allow her to take what she wants. It was either that or we were not going to get out of the door at all. She can take a toy to school each day (no-one has told me otherwise and I'm pleading ignorance), but it must stay in her bag, during class. Some days, she has a huge puppet parrot.

It's possible, but I hope she's wearing her coat most days and I'm sure that would prevent any flashing.
Unfortunately, anything associated with being a 'big girl' is not appealing to her. She doesn't want to ever be a teenager. Thanks for the advice anyway, but she'd run away from the pink lacy ones.
I'm going to have to look for heavier trousers. I know where to get some that are kind of like joggers, but smart.

I have clothing issues too, but being an adult and not having to wear anything specific, I get to choose what I want to wear all the time. When I was little, I must have had the same issues, but I didn't ever complain. As with everything else, I just put up and shut up. I must have been really uncomfortable a lot of the time. My daughter is much better at making her discomfort known (as I am now). This has to be a good thing. I had/have the same issues, but no-one knew and I'm not even sure if I understood what was up with me.

Good luck with the meetings! Hope you can come to an agreement over this

Is it possible she is too hot to wear layers most of the time. A few winters ago, it was -26 degrees Fahrenheit where I was attending university and I was out in a T-shirt and shorts that went about an inch below the knee. Everyone commented that I must be insane for not wearing a coat, but the truth was, I am constantly burning up. Of course, it can also be related to sensory issues, like you mentioned. Some of those polo shirts feel like someone's clutching your throat and some fabrics are irritating. IMHO, it does seem your child is being singled out for some reason or another (I mean, seriously, checking under her coat is a bit excessive (and even somewhat creepy), yes?), be it a valid concern or prejudice. At 6 years of age, I can hardly see any modesty issues (it's not like there's anything to "flash" like another poster suggested as a possibility and I have yet to see a sweat shirt that isn't worn out reveal much in the chest region, other than an improperly zipped hoodie, which is likely not permitted in the school you mention).

Oh my, lol. My son's sensory issues were severe. Transitions in season were the worst. He would wear shorts until November snow. When he did transition to pants (upon either forcing him or super extreme weather that even made him uncomfortable) he would wear thin track pants walking through the snow. He wouldn't wear boots - ever. Never long sleeves. Shoe transitions were especially hard. Horrid is a more accurate word. He would wear a pair of gym shoes until there were holes in them and the sole was flopping so much that it was unsafe to walk in. When his pants would get too small, and I couldn't find the exact same pair at the store but in a bigger size, he'd refuse to even wear a different color, and would therefore wear pants that were super tight, 6" too short (with his gym shoe sole flopping, and an afro because he reused hair cuts cuz they 'hurt'). LMAO! Thinking about it now...it's funny to me, but back then....OH NO, not funny at all. I was embarassed because people probably thought 'poor single mom...' or thought I was neglectful 'What is wrong with her? She's wearing nice clothes, why can't she buy her kid new clothes?" No one ever said these things to me, it was just in my paranoid thinking, although, that's what I would likely have thought if I were an outsider seeing us. I got a few calls over the years about him not having a jacket and about his shoes. I was very upset as well. After many years of this, I just decided I didn't care what others thought. He was doing the best he could. I was doing the best I could. We were coping with a (not yet) diagnosed disorder. Don't worry about all this, it's not worth the stress!

Thanks, it's good to know there are more parents like me and kids like mine. I've gotten over it. Strangely, since I told my daughter that the depute head phoned, she has worn a poloshirt every day, without fuss. I've laid it out for her (I hadn't been bothering, because of the tantrums and screaming) and she has just put it on. They're a slightly different design to the ones she was wearing last term (the sleeves are narrower and shorter, so won't wrinkle under her sweatshirt), so maybe she's not as uncomfortable as before. But, I'm still miffed about the other girls who have bare legs. Monday was really cold and at least 1/3 of the girls in the playground had lovely blue legs. I definitely will be mentioning that, at the meeting on Tuesday.