I've just made it through a very lonely year.

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I'm feeling 70% better than I was, around this time, last year. My biggest dream was to ride the Routemasters. all through the busiest parts of London. I've found out that my precious dream was snatched away from me, on December 9th, when I've opened that local paper, on Saturday, December 10th, 2005. These Buses are my favourite mode of transportation. I've got to explore the inside of one, in Victoria BC, when I was five. I think that was a defining moment that's had a very tremendous effect on my personality. Why do I feel sad about the fate of the Routemaster, when I don't feel the same way about the fates of people whom are close to me? Why?

Maybe because a Routemaster will never sleep with your boyfriend behind your back, or spread nasty rumors about you, or any of the other rotten things humans do. The worst thing a Routemaster will do is break down.

I've found some lyrics that describe what goes through my Mind, durring my darkest moments.

Chiquitita by Abba

Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong
You're enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes, there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
I can see you're so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I'm a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on
You were alway sure of yourself
Now I see you've broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they are leaving
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquititia
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Well here's the first part of the song, anyways.

I have no time for grieving. I must get on with the Christmas Spirit and on with my day.

Just when I think I'm on the mend, I have to come down with the mother of all Flu bugs. My AS is magnified, two times when I have a cold. It's magnified four times, when I have the Flu. The stuff that I've said in that Suicide Thread, last night was uncalled for. I've thought that I was past my grieving over the Routemaster, until my stupid Flu came along. Merkendust, my response was a lousy one, and I apologize. AspieChav, I would be willing for the two of us to agree to disagree, when it comes to Buses. I like the old, and you like the new. It doesn't mean that we can't get along, together in harmony. Tequila - me best China. I should have never have begged you to fight my battles for me. I was having Flashbacks about last December, and I should have reconsidered sending you that Private Message, this morning. I also apologize to everybody else, because I'm on a roll, and it will make me feel better, so I apologize to all of you. I didn't follow the Moderator Code, last night and early, this morning, so I apologize. I was doing a lot better, before I've developed severe Flu symptoms. It seems as though I've gone backwards, over the past two days, and I apologize to everybody for that.

I wish that I was completley healed, right now. I was planning on having the Perfect December, after what happened, last year. This December did start out, perfectly for me. Why didn't it continue on the perfect path that I've planned out, for this month? I've thought that I was a lot tougher and more High Functioning than this. Maybe I was wrong. I know I was wrong. Why can't I grieve the loss of people, like normal people? I'm only able to greive the loss of animals and objects. I appreciate the honesty that you've all showed me, on WP and through E-mail. It helps to see things through a different pair of eyes. I'm this confused Little Cockney, who's trapped in a Canadian body, and that's why I'm still greiving the loss of the Bus that I love. My mum sneared to me that I was in Canada, once when I've joked that the two of us could have Mash and Bangers for supper, one night. I hear those words in my head, from time to time, and I've made the grim fact that I'm in Canada, a very uncomfortable cross for me to bear. I feel that I should be living in a Bachelor Pad, somewhere along the Heritage Routes, where the Routemasters roam, and not the shoddy Hippie Town of Langley, BC. Perhaps, I should drop that heavy Canada Cross, and celebrate my differences. That comment was made, four years, ago. It's time for me to move on, and celebrete MY differences!

The Routemasters live on, in my heart.

I was hoping to be over the demise of the Routemaster by now. however, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Do I train myself to think about un-related things, such as beads and flowers, or do I be true to myself and let myself be?