Is it worth it? Please help.

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I am in love with an Aspie who also has ADHD, We were dating very happily for 3 months with me knowing he had Aspergers but I guessed he was on the autistic spectrum.... when a few of his family members told me to watch my back, that he was a "bad" egg and very badly behaved due to him having Aspergers syndrome. I found their comments patronising and I stuck up for him. I thought they were cruel and awful for saying such things and if he did have Aspergers then they should be understanding of his difficulties and not make him out to be the "bad guy". He told me his whole family hated him and that he didn't want me to have any more contact with his family so when they had family events I wouldn't go.

But a month later I found he was on dating sites (we had met on one) and was sending girls messages. I confronted him calmly and was clear about how this hurt me and if he wanted to chat to other girls then he and I had to stop seeing each other. He promised he would stop and he did so we continued dating but a few weeks later he ended things saying being with me stressed him out. We didn't talk for 2 weeks and then I called him to get my stuff back, he said he didn't want to speak to me so I said I would need to ring his mother to get my stuff from her if he wouldn't meet me, he said that was fine (he is 29 and lives independently but his mum pays him a small allowance because he finds it difficult to stay in employment).

I called his mum and his mother was relieved to hear from me, she also confirmed my worst fears that everything he had told me was a lie from his past relationships, his days out, jobs and education. His mother told me I was the only girl he had brought home to meet them since he was 16 and though he may have had "girlfriends" they had never met them and there was no proof of their existence.

Sex with him had been very strange, he only did one position and when I tried to explore others he froze up, he could never ejaculate and overtime I showed him we didn't need to have "sex" if he didn't want to and we could just do foreplay instead so when he told me about having had loads and loads of relationships/one night stands it hadn't always added up.

I spent 2 weeks again in no contact with him trying to get my life together and two weeks later I visited his mum bringing over his stuff. While we were eating dinner he called his mum and asked if he could come over as he was bored. His mother said he never calls. So when she told him I was there he came right over and told me and his mum he had a new girlfriend. He asked me out for a drink and we ended up making out but agreed it was a bad idea. We then started seeing each other but only as friends.

For the next month he had me believe he had a new girlfriend and would show me texts and emails with her name but would not let me see the content. I was trying to get over him but I could also see that some of his stories did not always add up and he would often call me for hours to tell me all these "stories" which I could tell were made up. I then had to make a decision: cut him out of my life, or be his friend. It was hard because I cared for him but decided I cared enough for him to just be friends. I decided because of all the lies one thing was for sure he was extremely lonely and had made this fantasy world to appear more intelligent, able and popular when really he had never gone to university, nor had the jobs he said he'd had and was badly bullied in school.

Over a 4 month period of friendship we started to become closer, he started to stop lying, the stories just stopped and then suddenly he was romancing me and telling me the girlfriend was a lie (something I already knew by now) and this past month (9 months since we met) he has started telling people I'm his girlfriend. We are very close. So close that he told his mother he thinks I'm the first person he has ever met in his life who "gets" him.

Since we have gotten really close he is back on those dating sites and furiously messaging girls. None of them reply to him and if they do it's because they're foreign with hardly any English or they just say "hi" but it is very hurtful (I know he does this because he uses my laptop when he thinks I'm sleeping to check or write messages. I confronted him the other day to tell him I knew he was doing it again, if it was for "fantasy" or to boost his ego I don't mind him doing it - it's like his "porn" but if it's to find a girlfriend then he needs to stop.

He just did not understand at all.

He often changes subject or gets stressed or silent and I could see there was a "make" or "break" happening. He looks at me and then says, "Shall I kiss you now?" or "Let me hold you" and I grit my teeth knowing he doesn't understand that it will mean the complete end of us if I end it.

My best friends tell me that if I can cope with him messaging other girls on dating sites then I should just see that as him "keeping his independence/single hood/unattached feeling" and to not take it seriously and to know that he loves me and wants to be with me because of what he says and his actions.

But if I can't cope with it then I need to let go as it's hurting me.

I know that if I put pressure on him to stop the dating sites round 2 he will get very stressed, break up and then that's the end.

But, I was wondering if this was part of his incapability to contain emotions or feelings and that when his feelings/emotions do become "intense" as they are now, they are so overwhelming that he has to sort of find a "release" and for him it's messaging other girls.

I could never post this sort of thing in a non autistic forum as the amount of abuse, non support and telling me "what a fool I am" to be with this guy who is "using" me would be huge.

What hurts the most is I am also on the autistic spectrum so I get where he is coming from and we get along so well. We really enjoy each others company and he is always calling me telling me things or inviting me out. I don't chase him it's the other way round though we have a balanced relationship! People who see us think we have a great relationship and his mum says she has never seen him so happy. But she worries he will only hurt me in the long run....

We spend a lot of time laughing and our sex life is brilliant, he has opened up, he is so much more trusting and loving and he holds me in public often without me asking him to and has started complimenting me more so it saddens me to see he has opened his a new account on a 7th dating site this week....

I know all Aspies are individual and different but I am just wondering if this is normal behaviour because he can't contain/handle/feels overwhelmed by the strong emotions and whether I'm not being a fool by trusting and being with him... or if I actually am a fool....


Sorry for it being so long, but I really need some help/reassurance!

Thank you.

Just because someone has ASD does not necessarily excuse their behaviour - sometimes it might explain it but it does not always excuse it.

I think you need to consider what this relationship is. If you intend to stay with him, you might want to consider having an open relationship and what it would entail - you would have to talk to him about that.

Since this bothers you enough to post, I would assume you don't want an open relationship.
If you want an exclusive relationship, then you may have to ask him directly if he is willing to be in an exclusive relationship with you and tell him what it would entail (e.g. not messaging other women on dating sites, not going on dates with others, etc).

Even those of us with ASD can cheat, or openly get to know or date multiple people at once.
For some of them it's about ego (and it sounds like your boyfriend is in this category).
For some of them it's about learning the rules of the game (hopefully just as well or better than the rest of the population, we take it as a challenge because of our ASD).

Thanks. I know it doesn't excuse his behaviour and thank you for your very helpful reply.

Only I have already told him about the messaging other girls and for him, I know that is he "can't have that" then that is the end of us. And he "doesnt understand" what that means, he really doesn't and that's why his mum has said to me his whole self, his behaviour has completely changed since being with me but she is afraid that the impact of "us" he doesn't get or understand either.... I'm probably not making any sense!! !

So this is why I need to know whether him messaging other girls online is just his way of dealing with emotions - Asperger's and ADHD is so varied on the spectrum at varying degrees.... his is pretty extreme, he suffers with intense insomnia - hence late night messaging, talks and laughs to himself a lot, but is very good at mirroring, only he has calmed a lot now and his romantic gestures are more natural hence why I am so upset about finding him back on these dating sites.

But the last thing I want to appear doing is excusing his behaviour too.

I do need to hear from guys though as the genders are so different - men are from mars women are from venus - Aspergers or not! But I do appreciate your reply and think you are right... I'm posting because I'm at my wits end and because I'm in love with him.

For some of them it's about learning the rules of the game (hopefully just as well or better than the rest of the population, we take it as a challenge because of our ASD).[/quote]

Sorry just read your post more closely and I'm wondering whether this may actually be "it" because he - like his mum said - has never had a long term relationship before.

The only one who can truly say if it is worth it is you.

Do you really think you see a future with him?

Do you really think he can give you what you need?

Do you really think he will agree to your terms and stay monogamous?

Sorry just read your post more closely and I'm wondering whether this may actually be "it" because he - like his mum said - has never had a long term relationship before.[/quote]

I have never been in a long term relationship before, but I have been hanging out/seeing this one girl for the last few weeks and I am starting to find that I am having some feelings for her that I have never had with another woman. There has been some intimacy and some similar issues you have described in your initial post. There is a part of me that is a little nervous and intimidated because I know she has an extensive past with relationships, and I have had very little experience, but I am confronting my fears dead on because I really do feel something for her. I am in unfamiliar territory and there is the fear of losing my freedom. I did get stressed out last week for some reason, and took a couple days to calm myself over it. I almost pushed her away, and confirmed to her that I did not want to do that either. I am also still on a dating site (just one), but I don't use it for anything as I hate using dating sites. As soon as we are both comfortable and the time is right, and I hope that does come, I do feel I can have a real relationship with this person. I just don't want to push her into it and don't want to make this decision to quickly. We do have a good emotional bond so far, and good physical chemistry. And yes, sometimes I do have problems holding her hand in public or getting affectionate because I don't want to overdo the affection.

Blammo had good questions. I think you need to seriously consider them.

I daresay he does understand but he has relegated your needs as less important than his needs - which is why is he continuing. Even if his theory of mind skills are not the best, he knows that this hurts you and he continues to do it.

The female/male difference is in all probablity less, in the ASD population than the normal one.
I think you're looking for something to hold on to because you want to jusitify staying with him - therefore very little of what any of us say here will make a difference.

I doubt it - his pattern of behaviour is not consistent with that goal in mind. His pattern of behaviour is consistent with someone who is getting an ego boost and attention *in a way that he can handle that is not overwhleming to him* (which is one of the reason we prefer online communication - the level of control) - hence why he continues to do it.

Last edited by Kjas on 01 Oct 2012, 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Also, from reading your post. I do find it kind of odd that he told you to return his stuff to his mom, and how he came over while you were still there to brag about a new girlfriend. And this after he told you that he didn't want to see you anymore. This is a little too weird, and I have been down that road too. Truthfully, there were some girls I have told that I didn't want to see anymore, but I actually did. This caused me more pain than you can believe because they truly believe that it's over when I believed that it wasn't. In the last few years, i have strived to become different from the guy I was in the past because I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. I didn't want to hurt others. What he is doing to his family is really cruel as well, not the other way around. I guarantee you that his mom loves him and wants to hear from him more often. Think about it, if he doesn't talk to his mom that often, how will he treat his significant other?

I know some Aspies love being attention whores at times. I know this because I have been there, and I do whatever I can to keep myself under control because I have hurt myself doing this way too many times. Something about this guy you are seeing sounds creepy to say the least if he is just using you for his own ego boost or attention. Either way, it sounds like this guy strives off attention, even if it's negative attention.

I wonder if he simply doesn't know how to get your attention, or communicate with you, in an effective way. This could be due to fear - which he probably won't admit - or a hope that you'll figure out whatever it is he wants you to. If he's not even hearing back from the girls - what's in it for him? He's not even getting attention from them, he's risking something that matters to him, for nothing? Just to do this? That's why I say I think he either doesn't understand how to express something, or perhaps doesn't even understand what it is himself. I've been in some weird places, done some weird things, and that's my take on it.

I'm not saying he should be doing this, or that you should put up with it if you don't want to. But I am trying to make sense of it, and to me, the fact he's getting so little out of this, and yet risking what he does have, is key to doing so. We have reasons for doing things, even if those reasons don't make sense to anyone else. I used to bang my head a lot - because I didn't know how else to handle all the feelings and frustration. But I didn't even want to be doing it, I didn't like it. Perhaps it's even habit for him by now - and, for some of us, habit can exert an incredible pull. But until you understand what's driving this - if you stick around that long - I don't think you'll be able to figure out if it is something you can work with or not.

I think that guy may be living in a fantasy world in his head. He pretends like he's having relationships even before he was trying to make anyone jealous & he may be messaging those other girls because he's pretending he's in a relationship with them, He could be torn between living in his fantasy world & living in the real-world & having a real relationship with you. He gets scared when things got more serious because they become more real to him & he doesn't want to lose his fantasy world

These are some very good points.

Another question, a question for him would be, "What do you want out of this relationship?" Because as it stands, it appears that he has no idea what he wants, or even what he is doing. He keeps contradicting his words with his actions and vice versa. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel that this isn't "worth it." Try to remain friends if you can, but it seems as if he is not ready for anything stable, or serious.

Thank you TheWanderer and nick007 - and actually all of you who posted but I completely agree with you The Wanderer and nick007.

(I shall call him Rick for this purpose but that's not his real name)

I really think you are both right. Rick is not creepy at all, and hopefully when he gets to see this specialist - who I actually want to add this article the specialist wrote in here for any guys/young men who have no control over their emotions: http://www.adders.org/research49.htm - then hopefully Rick can get the help and support he needs.

Rick is not creepy and he would never harm a fly. This is why I posted in this forum because his mother is going out of her mind with worry because it's not fully Asperger's though he has huge amount of elements of it - and autism, as well as ADHD traits and at one point with this fantasy world I was thinking Schixophrenia but I have changed my mind now. (I work in mental health)

I think because the Autistic spectrum is so huge it's easy for people to judge and say ASD is not this, when actually I really think there are so many elements that just is - I really think that both you TheWanderer and nick007 nail it on the head. He hears nothing back from these girls because his messages are so off and odd - it's strange, when he writes he writes as if his IQ is really low but in person he is a very animated and interesting guy. It took me ages to even consider he had Asperger's because he mirrors conversation, socialising, even romance so well. I work in mental health and with many Asperger's students so my background even shows just how varied ASD is in each individual!

Today was a particular highlight we had an argument over nothing in particular and he said some very hurtful thing but again, typical of his incapability of showing any empathy at all - something we have worked through together both as friends and lovers. It stung but when he calmed down, this was something new. He has never been able to calm down infront of me before, before he has had to pace the room have a tantrum before being able to compose himself. When he calmed down and he explained himself to me and I was able to explain myself calmly back to him and all of a sudden we were back on a wavelength - even couples with no ASD in the mix have trouble doing!! And then I said: I think I'm being hormonal (as a way of apologising for my behaviour) and he replied: No, I think you're just being human. And we both laughed.

This is what is so upsetting about this whole relationship because we get on so well. We hugged and kissed and then I left for work and he went back home but the feelings of the argument - tension was still there and I didn't expect to hear from him for a day or two. (We live separately) Then later I got a call from him around 5pm and he asked if I'd got his text - which had said "I think you should call your company High Maintenance" (as im setting up a company next year and had asked him to help me with names. - I said I had and smiled and said, "I guess I am!" and he got the humour but was literal and insistent saying it wasn't about me specifically but he thought it was a good name.

It's a struggle. But then he started chatting to me for ages again.

Rick often makes up stories that he is wildly busy when he isn't and he will call me the next day inviting me out for a movie or a walk even though the day before he'll say he can't see me for a while because he is so busy with "stuff to do".

I just feel so sad, so heartbroken for him. I know some people with ASD are perfectly content with their lives, but I am so sad for Rick because deep down I know he just wants to be happy with a loving relationship and a good job ie have a "normal" life but his flat is messy and disgusting, like a squalor's flat, he argues one day he loves it like that and the next is very stressed and sad because he hates living like that and wishes he had a nice flat but he won't let his mum or anyone help him with his washing or help to clean the flat even though when he stays at mine he is very clean and curteous. It's almost like he is constantly in a dilemma. He forgets things. He lies so much, 95% of what he says are lies and his mum had warned me about this. He had started to stop lying when we were friends and casually seeing each other and getting closer but it's now, literally in the last 3-4 weeks where our relationship and closeness has changed - to being very intimate and close, very "relationshipy" that his joining of dating sites and chatting to girls has begun when he is telling me he loves me and I'm the only one in the world who gets him.... I never told him I loved him, nor have I ever pushed for this "closeness" because I know how he has reacted before. He has initiated all of this.

He's worth the struggle though but maybe you're right maybe friends is all we can be but at the same time I'm in love with him and all of this is very hard.