How would you describe your thoughts during a meltdown?
Hmm... During a meltdown, I usually have many thoughts of how sick of this stupid life I am and how I just want to leave this planet or leave this body entirely... I don't want to talk to ANYBODY, but of course everyone always has to ask me what's wrong, and then half the time they'll be like "aw, it's not really so bad, is it?" which just pisses me off even more. It's a combination of extreme anger and depression. I keep bringing back up the thoughts and feelings of how much I feel like I don't belong in this world and how I just wish I could leave it. But I have nowhere to go anyway. Eventually, somebody will say something to make me laugh, and it starts to feel a little better, or I'll smoke some pot or get drunk or something and completely forget about it until the next meltdown.
I usually have some ability to think, and can carry out simple plans I've made beforehand, mostly to remove some of the overwhelming stimuli and get back to equilibrium before I go full-out meltdown.
My mind kind of goes blank when I'm stuck in a loop like that. My fight-or-flight urge gets set off, but if I can't flee, I fight. Unfortunately, there's usually nobody to fight but myself.
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emimeni
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I have an extreme amount of fear, anger, anxiety, and low self-esteem during a meltdown. I sob loudly, and can't stop. Now a days, meltdowns are always caused by conflict with somebody else, which is awful because there's a certain extent where I can't "conflict" like an adult.
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Living with one neurodevelopmental disability which has earned me a few diagnosis'
While I'm generally against the whole "Stupid life" concept put into this, I'll have to say smoking pot isn't quite the best idea. Can't say anything for getting drunk, as long as you don't overdo it.
My meltdowns generally come from sensory overload. I almost never melt down at home - it happens when I've been trying to act "normal" in the outside world for too long and my tolerance is all used up. Basically, I panic and the desire to run away becomes overpowering. Since I'm away from home, there's no safe place for me to run to. My focus disappears completely. The words someone is saying melt into noise which feels louder and louder every second. The lights grow brighter, and I can no longer process anything visual. Any movement, any new object, any flash of color, hurts my eyes. I can feel the panic brewing inside me like I'm going to explode. The first involuntary action is to start moving - starting small, like tapping my fingers or rocking back and forth slightly, then growing. If I happen to be holding something (like sitting on the metro holding my backpack) I squeeze it tight and it helps a bit. I also close my eyes to shut off the overpowering visual input. All hope of being able to continue a conversation is gone and mostly I just try to hold in the tears so people don't think I've gone insane or, even worse, realize I'm having a meltdown and try to help by touching or comforting me. I almost always manage to hold in the tears until I can be alone - going to the toilet, for example, at which point I let it all out by crying and rocking back and forth or banging my head or something until the flood subsides - then I must be somehow left alone for a while after that. If I'm unable to get away (in the street or something), I just start crying right where I am, stop walking, press my hands over my ears, and look like a basket case in general until enough of it is let out that I can physically just run home.
My most recent meltdown was at work. I'm a preschool teacher. We had a teachers' planning day. It was warm and sunny and we sat outside on a blanket and discussed the rules and plans for when school started the following Monday. I have trained my tolerance up pretty high, but when the meeting entered its third hour, I started to realize I wasn't going to make it. Four women sitting around me talking in high-pitched voices while the sun beat down on me... After four hours I could no longer hear what they were saying. I laid down on the blanket and closed my eyes. They know I have AS so they let me be. Another 45 minutes or so later I got up and went and stood in the shade. They didn't skip a beat in their conversation. I wanted to look like I was still listening, like I was still part of the meeting, because I didn't think it would be acceptable to just leave. Another 20 minutes went by and I had to squeeze my eyes shut and rock back and forth. Finally my boss called out and asked if there was something she could do for me. I was mortified. I knew if I tried to talk I would start crying so I just shook my head slightly and tried to smile. She told me I could take a break if I wanted and I nodded in thanks and moved inside. I laid down on the carpet and cried for about ten minutes, beating my head and hating myself for being unable to function like a normal person.
My most recent meltdown was at work. I'm a preschool teacher. We had a teachers' planning day. It was warm and sunny and we sat outside on a blanket and discussed the rules and plans for when school started the following Monday. I have trained my tolerance up pretty high, but when the meeting entered its third hour, I started to realize I wasn't going to make it. Four women sitting around me talking in high-pitched voices while the sun beat down on me... After four hours I could no longer hear what they were saying. I laid down on the blanket and closed my eyes. They know I have AS so they let me be. Another 45 minutes or so later I got up and went and stood in the shade. They didn't skip a beat in their conversation. I wanted to look like I was still listening, like I was still part of the meeting, because I didn't think it would be acceptable to just leave. Another 20 minutes went by and I had to squeeze my eyes shut and rock back and forth. Finally my boss called out and asked if there was something she could do for me. I was mortified. I knew if I tried to talk I would start crying so I just shook my head slightly and tried to smile. She told me I could take a break if I wanted and I nodded in thanks and moved inside. I laid down on the carpet and cried for about ten minutes, beating my head and hating myself for being unable to function like a normal person.
Wow, reminds me of myself in quite a lot of ways xD. Well, at the very least your Co-workers understand. I know how it feels when you say you'll end up freaking out if you try and talk xD.
I'm sort of the opposite: Problem-solving is impossible for me during a meltdown; All I can do is act instinctively based on fight-or-flight type feelings.
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"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." -- Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky
Love transcends all.
I've noticed that how people react to you having a meltdown depends almost entirely on how you explain it during and after the event. I had a meltdown at work once that lasted for more than an hour, and when I finally decided to go home, even though I couldn't stop the damn crying, I approached my coworkers with as straight a face as possible and simply told them that I needed to leave because my nervous system had somehow gotten overwhelmed. They looked at me strange, of course, so when I came back the next day, I just came right out and explained that this sort of thing happens once in a while and it's nothing to be afraid of or overly concerned about. It's interesting that people generally respond well when you tell them what to think and feel about something.
Anyway, for me, a meltdown involves unstoppable tears and circular thoughts and anger that the tears won't stop. It is usually triggered by the dumbest things--things that I know I handled well in the moment but that somehow excited my body into producing excess adrenaline so that when I walk away I just implode. I will stand there and look at myself in the mirror and think something like "I'm fine. It was no big deal. I handled it well. So, why **** am I crying? I look like such an idiot right now. If I could just stop crying, I'd be fine. Why am I still crying? It was no big deal. I handled it well..."
Interestingly, my body's exaggerated adrenaline response also makes it unpleasant for me to play first-person shooters and many other quick-response games in which one stands or sits in one place. I can play sports that actively use the adrenaline (although I'm not coordinated enough to be good at them).
This is really helpful to know. I had a shutdown (more common for me than meltdowns) this past weekend and couldn't figure out the reason. My husband kept asking me if it was related to how uncomfortable some people in the restaurant starting at me was making me and I kept insisting that it wasn't. But after reading about what your teacher said, I'm starting to think it was. I hadn't ever thought of sensory overload occurring in that way before (from overfocusing).
And to answer the original question, when I shutdown, I feel like I'm at the end of a long tunnel. I see and hear what's going on around me but I feel very far away from it and disconnected. Talking or interacting feels like it takes a huge effort and it's much easier to silently hide out in the tunnel until I feel better.
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Blogging about my experiences as a woman/wife/mother with Asperger's at http://musingsofanaspie.com
I haven't had meltdowns since I was 8. I don't have much emotions either. Last time I got angry was 10 years ago and nobody could tell I was angry (I just said "I'm sorry but I refuse."). Everything tend to become stress for me. This might have been a survival/adaptation strategy, as I remember being over sensitive when I was little, and had meltdowns at least 3 times a day. I grew up with a difficult family that toughened me up. I always keep my head cool, my thinking fast and my speech clear. I don't use swearing words in any of my languages. I do have to admit that nothing in my life right now needs prolonged endurance, though. If I'm bored of anything I'm rude enough to walk away or tell people to stop.
My kids seem to have great trouble talking during meltdowns. One of them can't use words at all if he's upset. I usually offer to help, if they don't say anything I'll just leave them. Things rarely last long and soon they're distracted. They're not aspies, though, probably closer to mid-functioning.
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Alfonso12345
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This also seems to be the case for me. I don't have meltdowns very often, but the last time I had one, I just kept focusing on the cause, which was what frustrated me to the point that I could no longer remain in total control over my actions. The best way I can describe the experience, is it's like a demon has taken control of my body and then released me after I have released some of my stress by hitting things, throwing things, or breaking things.
i do not have meltdowns often, but when i do, i feel like i am an innocent person in a war zone that is closing in on me, and i must barge my way (using any means) through the situation to the the outer perimeter of what is bothering and frightening me.
i resort to extremely unflattering descriptions of the people who cause my distress (to their face) as i barge my way out of the situation, and when i escape to the clean clear air beyond my distress, i have to spend some time getting my breathing rhythm back into kilter, and i can not be contacted for communication for maybe 10 or more minutes.
it is only obstacles and restrictions and perceived oppressions imposed by people that cause my meltdowns. i can become impatient to an extreme degree by circumstances that are not caused by humans, but only humans can cause meltdowns in me. if they impose their will upon me and i am resistant to their will, and if i can not easily prevail or escape their imposition of their will upon me, then i will have a meltdown.
it is not safe for me to descend into a "brain wreckage" reaction, because i could get into a lot of trouble.
LtlPinkCoupe
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My meltdowns are caused by emotional overload, too. I might feel a combination of sad or angry feelings, with the angry feelings being dominant at first. With these angry feelings might come the urges to hit/throw/kick/break something or even self - injure, but usually once I get to a safe place, I just usually end up crying.
My thoughts when I'm like this usually revolve what a sad excuse for a human being I am and how I shouldn't have been allowed to live for as long as I have, since I'm so effed up and worthless.
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