scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

Rage. Self-hate. Hopelessness. Inability to feel pleasure. Easily frustrated. Intrusive thoughts about how nice it would be to kick the f*****g dog repeatedly.

Not that I'm unable to contain them. I can say all these things in a conversational voice, with no more import than "It's raining outside." I can merely keep silent about these things. Obviously I am not going to act on the desire to kick the dog.

I don't think kids vibe off my emotions. If they did, mine would be avoiding me. I wish they were avoiding me. I am not a great person to be around right now.

I hate, and I hurt, and I hatefully want to hurt others.

I usually look up racist jokes on the Internet when I feel like this. It's sort of a safe vent for the pressure. Not helping.

I really need to be the motherfucking hell alone.

I surrender to this fact:

My intent does not matter. All that matters is how other people experience me.

Conversely, my experience does not matter. All that matters is what others intend.

I surrender to this fact:

My worth and value is wholly and only contained in the eyes of others, primarily in how useful I am to them and how little I ask.

I surrender to this fact:

Others do not have this experience. It is because of my disease that these things are true for me.

I surrender to this fact:

These things will never change.

I have not surrendered fully to these facts. I can tell I have not because I am filled, alternately, with rage and with the hope that I will find some way of being that will change them.

You sound like what you need is a good divorce attorney. I'm sorry you feel so stuck and that people around you are devaluing your feelings and experiences so much to make you feel so angry and frustrated. I know how it feels to be undervalued and discounted, and it sucks. I hope things get better for you soon.

-20 no women respond to me ever despite having liked me I don't know why I bother continuing everyday :'(

Not to be a b**ch or anything. Though I'm curious, have you ever had a positive feeling ever? Also DON'T have your friends jump me, I just would like to know that's all.

+10 Great morning so far.

It's not him, hon. He's far from the worst offender. He treats me better than a lot of other people, and would argue angrily with those statements. It upsets him for me to so much as voice them, even though right now they are my truth.

What I need is to get rid of this damn disease that makes these things facts. Since that isn't possible, what I need is to make peace with it. Accept it, and get rid of the expectation put in my head by my Boomer parents that it should be any other way.

All I can say is I felt very similarly to you when I was in an abusive relationship in which the guy convinced me that all the cruel things he said and did to me were my own fault because I was crazy and deserved it, according to him. I believed him until I didn't anymore and had to leave. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and I wouldn't have survived I think if I hadn't gotten away from him. He would have destroyed me from the inside out.

I wish you well.

Yes. But in the end they'll hollow without a companion.
I was happy most of all last week during the few days a girl was interested and talking to me.
Without love and companionship nothing has any point or meaning.

I really hope you'll find someone soon, sly.

Nah, I think that's prolly projection.

Yes, he came from an emotionally abusive background and yes, he f***s up sometimes, but the intent to harm is absent. My family of origin was far worse, society at large has been far worse, and at this point my biggest abuser, based on the lessons I have learned from FOO and people in general, is me. He's trying his dammnedest to help me fight it, but...

...you can't fight facts. Matters naught if society is abusive to folks like us. It's the society we live in, and either conforming or being abused is just life.

Bu thanks for giving a damn. We need more like you.


In other thoughts. Just found out that one of my biggest bullies from K-8 has been diagnosed with advanced colon and liver cancer. Shades of schadenfreude aside, her mother was very kind to my family when my mother was dying and she has 8-year-old twins who really don't need to lose their mother, regardless of how much I might revel in her misfortune.

Not sure how I feel about that one, other than schadenfreude and very guilty for schadenfreude.

For those who pray, positive and constructive prayers for her and her family would be appreciated.

Basically right now I have very little hope that my mental state will ever improve, or that I am the decent and lovable person he says I am when not in the grip of crippling anxiety and all that goes with it.

So far attempts to medically treat the anxiety have mostly served to suck the pleasure out of my life, without reducing the anxiety. Less hope. Hope is at its lowest ebb ever, with the exception of the year I spent slowly dying on Risperdal. It's getting close to those levels.

I have just enough hope left for the lack of hope to be very painful and very anger-provoking as I know that better is out there but isn't accessible for me.

It might be better to just give up. Life without hope of feeling better, expectation of help, or memory of pleasure just might be better than this hell.

Either that, or have some hope.

Not the kind that comes from inspirational quotes and reframing and making yourself pick yourself up and smile and act hopefully. Because I'm doing all that stuff, and well here I am.

The kind that comes from seeing things actually improve. Just a little bit. Just having a direction to go in that makes some small, incremental improvement.

Here's a tip dude.Work on yourself first then go for love and compassion, forcing it is never a good thing. But can I at least ask this and you don't have to do it if you think it's pointless. I think a positive post a day for you or something good that isn't involving something you're forcing like love and compassion and in real life think of something positive. I know it sounds hard but if you have the desire for love and compassion but not force it. Don't be so negative, people NT or not like forms of confidence as long as it's not narcissism. Also forcing love and compassion has no meaning if you're forcing it. From the sounds of it, is driving you into a crazy depression. Try not to force love and compassion so much and let it come to you. Plus being positive more in real life can bring better rewards for you. Just saying.

I don't understand what you mean by force love. I'm not forcing anything. I just want to date and give love a chance to happen.

Last edited by sly279 on 14 Jul 2016, 1:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wish there were people who were positive to me, liked me for whol I am and thinks there's nothing wrong with me. Instead I'm always told to change,get better(means I not good as is)

I was having a good ish day until I got on here. Despite my neck being super painful all day.
-4

Men are valued for their achievements. I don't think we can change it.