I am stymied, and severely depressed.

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I had recently accepted many, exuberant overtures of friendship from an older, N.T. woman. In view of all the past wreckages of tried and failed friendships, I disclosed my AS to her, in the hope that she would be patient with me. Things went on fairly pleasantly, but I soon found myself needing to come up for air. I had the suffocating sense of losing my own identity, what with the constant e-mails and invites for lunch and shopping trips. I so desperately wanted this friendship to last, that I started to try to tolerate what I knew I couldn't tolerate for long. Finally I began to withdraw and isolate, until I found my own sense of self again. At the same time, a chronic physical disability flared up, requiring lots of bed rest and trips to the doctor. When this woman e-mailed me, wanting to visit, I told her it wouldn't be a good idea right now, because of being severely ill. She wrote back and said she thought that I was really mad at her, and was trying to get back at her by refusing a visit. So I wrote back and explained some of the symptoms that I was experiencing, and reminded her that I had told her from the beginning that I was a loner. I thought that was language an N.T. would understand. Well she wrote back a long letter accusing me of describing pain as if she wasn't familiar with it, saying she was a loner too, and that I was just trying to glamorize being a loner, blah blah blah. I felt that my whole letter had been completely misunderstood, and worse, every word jumped off that page like daggers to my heart. why is it when I tell the truth, N.T's garnish it with all kinds of improbable garbage? The thing that makes it so bad, is that she's always reading these new age type self help books, and one of the things I'd repeatedly asked her to stop doing was to pounce on my words and remind me that I was indulging in "Negative Programming!" When I was finally trying to open up and trust after countless bad experiences. I don't want to walk away from still another disaster, but I don't know what to do. I thought we'd bonded, and I believed her when she said she understood AS.

Mnnn, I know what you mean when you describe feeling that you felt suffocated and had to withdraw to regain your sense of self. That happens to me with people who are too much 'in my face'. It is a horrible feeling because your sense of self-preservation urges you to push the other person away, to give yourself some space, and they don't always understand why.

You say this friend said she understood AS. Maybe she has tried and has understood it theoretically, but it is very difficult for people to understand what they don't experience themselves, however hard they try. Because NT's understand automatically, instinctively, how other NT's behave, when they meet someone who is different, they still use the NT model of what a particular behaviour means and interprets it in an NT way, so she has not really understood your need for space, especially while you are feeling ill, so this is something you may have to explain to her again until she gets it.

Do you feel she is pushing you into a corner? The 'Negative Programming' theory sounds weird. I think you may have to tell her that although you like her as a friend, you don't feel comfortable with her trying to 'cure' you.

Could you talk to her on the phone? May be less chance for misunderstandings that way. Stand your ground though, she probably means well, but she does sound rather demanding.

When people talk about others, it’s more often a reflection of themselves. We project the parts of ourselves that we reject onto others. We are unaware that we do this. “Somebody here (criticism). It’s not me, it must be you.” When this sort of thing happens, I feel like you have to ask, “Do I really want this person for a friend?” Don’t you want a friend who sees you more the way you really are and less the way they need you to be? If you have to be a particular way to be accepted by someone, that will characterize the whole relationship. I’m sorry you’re having these difficulties. I don’t think I can say anything to help you feel better about this. I’m good with the intellectual explanations, but not so much so with the emotional support. I hope you feel better soon.

thank you for the feedback, guys. It is such a relief to be understood! It's true that NT's often think that they understand, but they truly don't. If I say I am a loner, they think that I mean that I am choosing to be a loner, but can stop anytime I want and act like an NT. Well, in a way I can, but at a great cost. And why bother? In the long run, it always comes to this parting of ways. She also is talking about doing something for the holidays. I don't celebrate holidays. I like to watch old movies and favorites from when I was a kid, and eat fun stuff. Alone. Or with family, if they are around. The sad thing about these Aspie/NT relationships, is that I never learn anything that will carry over to another friendship. All I get is the overwhelming evidence that it is far better not to let anyone get too close.