One Friend Syndrome

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All my life, I’ve only been able to maintain one friendship at a time. This goes back to kindergarten, where I met my first friend, who happened to live up the street from my home. We remained friends until I was the age of twenty. There were a few other short-term friends along the way, always kids who lived nearby, but no close friends.

The “one friend” trend continued into adolescence and looking back now, I can discern an interesting pattern within my social life. My one friend would always be a fellow more sociable than I, with an established network of friends and acquaintances. Befriending this person allowed me into social groups where I generally felt accepted. I would feel for a time that I had a wide circle of friends.

However without my one friend there, my social situation would change. With my friend gone, I was unable to feel comfortable with the others. I realized that my friendship with others in the group was an illusion. I was often seen as, “the guy who is friends with ____.”

There have been times where I thought I was being a sociable person by attending parties, but I would spend the majority of the time talking to my one friend. If others were engaged with him, I would involve them as well. Many times, I would attend parties and just stare at people and speak with no one. For a time, I thought I was being “social” by doing this. I realize now that I was fostering an illusion.

The one friend cycle has occurred several times in my life. I befriend a sociable person, get involved with a group of people, the friend moves away, then I try to remain acquainted with the group, only to find that the people I have been associating with barely know me at all. Attempts to become better acquainted always fail. The people become strangers to me and I become strange to them. Eventually I drift away and remain friendless until I meet someone else I feel comfortable with.

The close friends I’ve had weren’t exactly socialites either. They were in many ways similar to me, but with a more developed social life. It is extremely rare for me to meet a person I am comfortable enough with to befriend. So rare in fact, that I only make a new close friend every six to eight years. At this point though, I have little desire for the kind of social contact I wished for in my younger years.

Does anyone else experience the one friend phenomenon?

I do except I make sure I rememebr that I dont know the other people. I got attached to friends of my friend. When my friend left they would quickly leave and leave me alone.

I used to be like that...

It passed...

I'm in the same one friend cycle I've been in for 13 years. Trouble is, after 7th grade we've often went to different schools (with the exception of my senior year) so I didn't even get the benefit of sharing his circle of friends.

I am probably somewhat older, but here is my perspective:

Through my life so far, I have had a series of what I would call "gateway friends"; closer aquaintances who were more socialble and would provide me access to a circle of friends by way of our relationship. Pretty much as you have described. I have always experienced my closest relationship with whomever my "significant other" was at the time. For the past 20 years, it has been my wife which has proven to be a very wonderful thing.

But, yes, I know what you mean!

I was like that for most of my schooling life.

When I was little and noticably more autistic I had one friend. Towards the end of primary school I had a few more friends, but still one best friend.

At intermediate and college I had more than one friend, but there was usually 1 friend I would do most stuff with, aka a best friend.

Nowdays I have several friends and no best friend.

Indeed, in my last relationship my partner was my closest friend as well. So much so that everyone else was shoved into the background, including my close male friend at the time.

That's so close to how I am it's almost scary. I've always had a few friends, but I've never had more than one close friend at any one time.

The one friend thing seems to reside in myself also.

Begining in 1989 when I first really began to socialize with others, it was with the most popular kid in class who I ended up using as gateway to get to know the other kids in class. In 1992 when I hit junior school, I found a new friend to hang out with, and again after school, I found yet another person to spend time with.

During the summer of 1990 I had two friends to hang out with, but that was the only summer thought that that happened

I would say I've had a similar pattern of friends over the years. Back to 4th grade which is the earliest I can remember having a real friend, I've usually just had 1 friend at a time, eventually drifting apart and maybe finding another friend. Just like you mentioned, one thing they all had in common was that they were far more socially adept than I was, and I would tag along with their other friends. I would never really feel like I was friends with anyone else other than that person, I always felt more like the 3rd (or 4th, etc) wheel.

I've now been with my wife for about 7 years now, and it is basically the same deal. My wife is the sociable one, and is able to drag me out places where I'd never go by myself. Now we have a baby though, so I am always the one who volunteers to stay home while she goes out with friends on the weekend. This is good and bad. I like to be alone and concentrate on my projects, but I also miss hanging out with people, having a few drinks, etc. We have about 3 close friends that I do sometimes get to go out with by myself, but I usually feel a bit uncomfortable there without my wife, even though these are people I've known as long as her. On the rare occasion we get to go out together, I generally still have the 3rd wheel feeling. This probably comes from the fact that I rarely participate in the conversation, I tend to just listen to everyone else. In fact, I've always been that way as far as I can remember. A likely reason I have few friends. It's a vicious circle.

The one friend thing I suspected might be a common Aspie phenomenon.

I should note that the close friends I’ve had weren’t ‘chosen’ because of their social abilities. They were people with whom I had an instantaneous connection. We were friends at first sight, if you will.

Come to think of it, all my male friendships and girlfriends share that same trait. In every case I can recall, there was an instant connection between the other person and myself. In the social group, the connection between others and myself developed slowly and never approached the state of close friendship.

I know the 3rd wheel feeling quite well. This started happening when I was in my late twenties, when people were pairing off into couples. Seeing as I didn’t have a girlfriend and couldn’t get dates, I felt completely out of place at the restaurant and bar expeditions.

I also have trouble inserting myself into a conversational circle. Either I say too little, or I say far too much, or I’m too revealing, or I bring up the wrong topics, etc. Often I wish to contribute and voice my opinion, but by the time my thoughts are prepared the conversation has moved to another topic. So usually I am invisible.

I don't fit the 'one friend' pattern at all. I don't have a best friend. I've never really had a best friend. I have always had a circle of about five to ten close friends at a time, with a larger circle of not as close friends. I also have some close friends who are not in my own peer group. Some of them are adults and other ones are about 11-13 years old.

I've only had two best friends (or at least the closest I've ever been to having a best friend). I had one when I was 4-6 years old, and another one when I was 10-13. Strangely, both of them were boys. Go figure!

Last edited by Bec on 18 Mar 2005, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I've pretty much had one [close] friend at a time also. I'm not even sure you could call them close either.

I've usually had either no friends, one friend, or one significant other at a time, personally. I haven't had a friend in real life for years, though.

All of elementary school I had one friend...a gateway friend at that as well. Now, in highschool...I have many friends, but only one who I trust and call close. She was a gateway for me for about half of my friends, ironically, she is extremely shy (I am the more sociable of the two of us), however, she is just very likable so she has tons of friends. Outside of school, I have a best friend (three years) , a very close friend, and my cousin...So four close friends (a record for me).

It's probably a common AS experience - been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Only one real friend at a time, a gateway friend...

Trouble was the one I had for eight years the beginning of my adult life was narcissistic, one of the only types that might seem to click with somebody with AS (similarly frustrated and angry at the world and somebody to commiserate with) but such naturally stunts other, less intense, more normal friendships.

Haven't got any intense friendships now but a small circle of acquaintances — that's not too far from normal.