Inability to let go and move on

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Hi,

My ex and I split up back in early August. It has been four months and I still think of her every day. I still go over every little detail of the relationship in my head trying to understand how I could have done things differently. I will be going about daily business and a thought of something I said or did will pop into my mind and I will feel disgusted for having said/done that.

She was my first real girlfriend, I was completely new at "having a relationship" and therefore sucked at it. I am deeply ashamed of myself and my actions, and I cannot let go of that.

Example 1: I was over to her and her parents house one evening, I knew her mother had poor vision, so I thought little of making things a little "PG-13" if you get my drift. As it turned out, we both were sitting close enough that her mother could see us clearly.

Example 2: She asked me one day, if she should become pregnant unexpectedly, if I would stick around. Her question caught me completely off guard and I answered "dunno". I quickly realized my error and tried to convince her that yes, I would be there no matter what. Praise God she did not get pregnant, but she did tell her mother what I said and held it over me.

Still four months later and I cannot get her off my mind. There are places (parks, restaurants, stores, etc.) that I can't go to because they bring the memories back. I'm afraid I'll have to move 200 miles away. I can't drink Twisted Tea because that was "our" drink. I deleted about 50 songs from my iTunes library because we sang along to them at some point. Every time I meet a car on the road like hers, (she drives a blue Ford Taurus, there are a million of those in Maine) the memories come back. Something as minor as a cellphone ringtone will do it for me.

Does anyone know how to just forget things?

"Heaven" by Bryan Adams was "our" song. After we broke up, I couldn't listen to that song again. Yes, I was also devastated by the breakup and agonized over it for weeks and months, maybe even years. The only "healant" was time. Like they say, it heals all wounds.

For me it was Rascal Flatts, God Bless The Broken Road

Time does help, a lot. A positive mindset to move forward and better yourself does this as well.

It was your first relationship, I think those can really hurt. Not saying others don't, but try not to let it get to you too much now. You answered her question she asked you honestly with "dunno", so you should not feel regret for that. Not everybody knows, much less thinks about that. I question why she asked that anyway, does she take birth control, use protection, or are you both the kind to take chances... To hold your response to her over you is not a good thing for her to do.

I did not ask her what if any BC she used, but I made it clear that either I would use protection, or we would not do anything. I think she asked me because a bunch of her friends were pregnant or soon to be, and she wanted to "jump on the bandwagon". Our moral differences among other things led to the relationship ending, we had sex, but I would not have children until marriage. Like the movies say; sex complicates everything.

After she told her mother that I said "dunno" to the million dollar question, I could not face her mother again. But truth be told, I know Im FAAARR from ready for kids, I probably would have moved far away, perhaps to a destination outside of this world. I know shame like the back of my hand.

That's a terrible reason to want a kid. Sounds iffy... It is good you know you are not ready. She either is, or just has baby fever from seeing her friends having them. So you two are too different it seems like. Cheer up and get ready for the next one eh?


There was another post after my first one. I won't name names, they deleted it. They got asked the same question and said something like "You'll never see me again. Needless to say, I left the next day, that was enough for me".

baby fever--- that was the term I was looking for. Her cousin, two of her co-workers, and a couple of her friends are all due in the next 3-6 months.

Now you do not have to worry about her having "an unexpected pregnancy", what you will do after that, you don't have to take her crap about you saying "dunno", her mother, you're a free man now...

I can certainly sympathise. My first girl friend was in senior high school, and she broke it off after a few weeks. I was devastated and kept obsessing about her for the rest of high school (year and a half). Fortunately we went to different universities after high school, so I was no longer seeing her in classes every day - in fact, I didn't see her again for about ten years. I suppose what helped was getting obsessed with new girls (mostly in my own mind) and having to wait (aaagh) until I had grown up enough to have a girlfriend and get married without being possessive and obsessive. It wasn't an easy ride in my late teens and early twenties, but I have been married now nearly 30 years and have two lovely grown up daughters. To quote a TV show: "I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self that it does get better!"

I have heard a (presumably-secular) sex therapist say there was a difference between dating, screwing, and settling down-material, and the Bible also recognizes a difference between pleasure, concubinage, and full marriage. My way of systematizing this is to figure out what you want, and then what you think of those roles.

My selfish side has been coming out, lately, but I don't think I will ever take it any further than a cohabitation agreement. Christian Patriarchy calls it a covenant, and courts call it a prenup.

If someone were to turn on me until my life became a living hell, the answer is no, I could not remain faithful. And, no, I would not leave. No, I will not give someone carte blanche, legal rights, as through a marriage license.

I am sometimes obsessive and meticulous, have no natural fear of commitment, contrary to what is always said about men who don't want to be emotionally abused.

But, firstly, figure out what you want. Someone without initiative absolutely will not be respected.

i wanted to add that 'obsession' can also be called 'rumination' in regards to its action in the brain. the more you check the lock, the more unlocked the lock becomes. i find that the more i miss my exgirlfriend, the further away she becomes in my brain than she was in reality.

in other words, my memory of her becomes magnified in missing her. she was good, yes. was she as good for me as i believe her today to be? hardly.

there may also be (at least there often is for me) some reminiscent-survival going on. once something is over, we cannot possibly change it so i think that sometimes our brains default to remembering it fondly so we can 'move on' to what is presently going on around us instead of sit problem-solving while a tiger eats us.

dont let the tiger eat you by figuring out what 'was' and now, in its passing, 'is.'

As with any pain, i dont believe your supposed to forget, i believe you supposed to remember and accept it, and live with that pain. We simply just dont forget stuff like this. its not gonna be easy and its not supposed to.

I actually had a girlfriend once. many many years ago. even with my bad memory and stuff, i still remember her and stuff, i even have dreams about it. I prefer to accept it and live it, instead of trying to forget.

worst thing for me is, i dont even understand all the social crap, and somehow this girl for whatever reason liked me, that makes it even more painful to this day, because it will likely never happen again. But ill accept and live with this pain, because thats what you accept when you do that kinda thing. It hurts like hell, even more so when you cant even express your emotions or get help and have to deal with it your self.

Sometimes if i had a change to go back and avoid it, would i do that and avoid all the pain and misery?, im not sure.

One thing is certain i might not do it again, even if in one in a million some other girl should come along. But it does hurt like hell.

Whats even more scary is that people can actually die of a broken heart, it has actually happened, so its definitely nothing to take likely at all either.

So dont try and forget, accept it and live with it. it was a good time was it not, it doesnt become less valuable or good because your not togther, its all about remember those important moments in life.

Wish I had some good advice, but it's been four years since my parents divorced and my stepdad abandoned me, I'm still not over it. Maybe it's different than a break up (never had a relationship so I don't know firsthand) but all I do know is I've spent hundreds of hours thinking of ways to move past it, the only thing I've learned was something a very wise friend taught me; you have to find a way to heal yourself before you can forgive, but the forgiveness is the most important part: it sets you both free. Good luck, life sometimes just plain sucks.