Lying to Yourself

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redrobin62:
This is going to sound rude, and I apologize in advance, but did you ever stop and think some people are loners because they have no choice? I have found that I have been rejected by society as a whole. Statistically speaking, I am more likely to die early, be poorer, and less healthy because of that. My coworkers call me a F**face, my immediate supervisor (both of us are male) grabbed my ass today, when I told him to knock it off he said that I must like it. If all the human interaction I know is pain, why would I want to be part of that?

Today I looked into truck driving school, that is my ideal job. $31,000 to enroll with no job placement guarantee. Thats more money than i make in two years. I qualify for less than $10,000 of student aid. I cannot finance a bag of dirt let alone 20 grand. I was denied credit for a car at one of those places that approves "anyone with a job and a license" even though I have both.

I know it sounds like a pity party, but society has repeatedly pushed me to the floor, kicked me in the gut and stolen my wallet, then kicked me again because there wasnt enough money in the wallet worth stealing.

It's not related to the topic but I have lied to myself in different ways. One time I spent a year and a half trying to convince myself I was psychic. I never suceeded but I came very close before stopping myself because I felt guilty about it.


To address the actual intention of the subject I have to say I can relate to some of it. I want to walk around the world on foot living a lonely "drifter" lifestyle.

I've convinced myself that I want bad things to happen to me to the point where I actively try to make them happen. I sabotage and cause harm to myself because I'm convinced I want it. I've been depriving myself of sleep and snorting ritalin for the purpose of causing myself psychological damage. I actually hope that I'll experience stimulant psychosis because I've convinced myself that I want something so terrible to happen to me and I'm upset by the fact that even if I succeed it will probably be temporary like most drug induced psychotic states. I'm so caught up in my lie that I would want it to become permanent if it happened.

I don't even have my own room, I live in company provided quarters. My entire life is with me in 2 suitcases and 1 laptop bag. It's depressing as hell but necessary right now in life to set myself up. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I have a girl waiting for me on the other side.

The reality is that we all need something. Be it someone or something - we need something that makes us happy to make us complete. Find that something.

I'm very bad at positive self-delusion.

Trying to believe anything positive that I don't actually believe isn't likely to be effective.