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Lodelar
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18 Jan 2013, 6:38 am

Greetings from France. I have been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. I have been bullied so much in my life that I am also afflicted with severe social phobia, body dysmorphia and depression. The only reason that I'm alive is that I'm afraid to f**k up my suicide and end up in a worse position. Bullies can spot my awkwardness right away and pick on me. If there's a group of shady thugs or extroverted rednecks in the street, you can bet they are going to pick on me. I can't get education or join a sport club, because there's always at least one person who will bully me or, in the best situation, I will be unable to find a training partner.

Many people are bullies, the rest ignores me and obviously avoids me (for example by shaking everybody's hand except mine.) The few people who are good-hearted still make me feel awkward and want to help me to "get out of my shell" which only makes me feel more awkward and abnormal.

It seems that most Aspies are Care Bears with high affective empathy. I'm not like that. I don't turn the other cheek. I have punished countless bullies with violence. I hate all NTs. I live in a small, dark sphere of extreme fear and hatred... In my mom's basement who treats me like a teenager. I hate her. Even the good-hearted NTs are toxic to me and "positive" social interactions hurt me as much as as the negative ones. I wish I could kill everyone. I don't care if it makes me genocidal and morally condemnable. I just wish to end all pain and get revenge on the world. Perhaps the traumata that I suffered turned me a bit psychopathic on top of the other disorders.

I'm not sure if Aspies are better than NTs, I've never met any before. However...

Phonic wrote:
Your stunning lack of basic understanding of history, evolution and autism is boggling.


After reading insulting and derogatory posts like this, it indicates that if people don't like my posts, they might insult my intelligence too. Which you'd think is the very thing an Aspie dreads. I don't know why I'm posting. I'm not begging for pity. I probably want to know how other Aspies react to me. I know that I don't want to read a condescending advice, including the classic "get help from a professional".



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18 Jan 2013, 7:44 am

Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. There are one or two things there I can/have related to before, though admittedly your situation sounds quite a deal more extreme.

A little word of advice though - if you hate everyone before you've even met them, NT or otherwise, that doesn't really sound healthy when encountering new people.


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BlackSabre7
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18 Jan 2013, 10:39 am

Whenever I hear a story like that it makes me so sad. You must have gone through so much pain to wind up so hate filled. If I could do something to make you feel some joy in your life I would - um, er, except let you kill me of course 8O 8O
I get my days when I hate the entire human race. Some days, it all seems so stupid and pointless. I think I would have been done with it a long time ago, if not for my kids. They are the light of my life, and my reason to keep swimming through the b*****it when my strength would otherwise desert me. My life was much harder when I was younger. I was never bullied as much as you have been, but I sure tormented myself. For some reason things suddenly changed in my late 20's. I just suddenly decided that I have one life, and then I die. So does every one else. So what the **** was I doing? Why was I wallowing in my own misery? Why was everyone else entitled to live and make choices and have things that they wanted, and not me? I was eventually going to die and so was everyone else, and we would all be forgotten, whether I tried to do something for myself or not. So I stopped self sabotaging long enough to move to Sydney, get a job, meet my husband, get pregnant and buy a car, all within a few months. True, the car was a bomb, the job was low paid, and I was about to be sacked except for the fact that my husband had a say, and he didn't let it happen, and the husband is an uneducated orphan with post traumatic stress syndrome from being in the gulf war (a psycho), but if not for all of that, I WOULDN'T HAVE MY KIDS!! It was all worth it - every single thing I ever suffered. And my life meant something because my kids exist. And I totally couldn't care less what anyone else thinks about that.
My life is still hard in many ways, and I am self sabotaging as we speak. I have an assignment worth 35% due an hour ago. I can't handle deadlines very well, so I sometimes do nothing until they pass, then I get to work, without the stress, and cop the penalty. I know it is stupid, but I don't care. The stress is not worth it.
I have no idea of what I could say to give you hope. The fact is that life is not kind to everyone. My husband suffered more than anyone I have ever known. Maybe I was never going to do better than someone as damaged as he. Maybe only a freak like him could love a freak like me (if he even knows what love is) I just usually want to kill him. But I can't take his life. His issues were created by other people and even after what he has put me through, I still want him to have a chance to learn how to be happy. I can't take his one life.
I would like for you to have a chance to find a way to be happy. I don't know your mother, but if you were my son, I would have done WHATEVER IT TOOK to protect you. I know my mother failed to protect me at least once. Part of me still wonders how she could take the risk she took. But after becoming a mum myself I get that Mums are just human, and they fail whether they genuinely try to do their best or not.
It might help for you to 'train yourself' to focus on living your own life, and making your choices, and not on how others have hurt you, or obviously failed to help you when you needed it. I say that because I have actively tried to identify who I want to be, and then become that person. Trying to be normal is not a worthwhile goal. Trying to be a version of yourself that you like and respect is. This is not a weekend job - it's more of a life goal.
Of course, you probably need therapy, but I don't know anything about that. I never had help from anyone but myself.
I wish you well.



envirozentinel
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18 Jan 2013, 12:02 pm

Hi Lodelar you sound like an intelligent guy who has been badly hurt and is therefore afraid to trust anyone at all. I too have had to battle phases of paranoia when I suspected the motives even of my mom and stepfather, as well as others. I do not think all NT's deserve hatred. However, there is a lack of caring among many people. I was bullied a lot at school, many years ago, (not as badly as you though) but you know what? I was invited to the school reunion in 2011, 30 years after leaving school, and I returned to ther school for the first time since matriculating there.
Before the reunion, I had a number of messages on facebook from "old boys" apologising for their childish and stupid behavioustowards me atschool. Some came forward in person at the reunion itself to say "sorry". The fact is, that maturity and sense come with increasing age - young people, with few exceptions, tend to be self-centred and crude in their dealings, especially toward "outsiders" because it helps them forget their own weaknesses - to have a scapegoat.

I was only diagnosed with Aspergers just under 4 years ago - and my life has improved since that point, as I didn't have any idea what was "wrong" before, and why I didn't fit in.

I hope that you find true empathy and understanding on WP and wish you the best as you try to put the past behind you and seek some happiness.

May I just add that anger/unforgiveness tend to hurt the hater more than those he hates, and can be counterproductive. Seek to develop your talents, whether it be art, music, writing, IT, etc. You can also release your hatred/anger in poetry, writing or art, which can be therapeutic.

Maybe you can even find a way of developing such a talent for a future income. Joining WP is already a step in the right direction.



Lodelar
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18 Jan 2013, 11:05 pm

BlackSabre7 wrote:
Trying to be a version of yourself that you like and respect is.


On a rational level, I love myself. I have many qualities. After drinking a six pack, I lose self-awareness - which, I believe, is what makes a human being different from an animal - and become sociable like everyone else. I shouldn't value the words and insults of people who, at their best, behave like a drunken version of myself. They shouldn't be worth my attention and my hatred.

Yet I have great sensitivy, and on an emotional level, I get devasted by their words and actions. I can't help it. I can't ignore their imbecile voice. I have feelings of low self-esteem in total contradiction with what I actually think of myself. I can't get rid of it, they are an unwanted illusion created by my brain, just like the hunger that I feel all day.

Anyway, I didn't expect such nice answers. If you want to do something nice for me, you can give me a kiss. 8)

envirozentinel wrote:
May I just add that anger/unforgiveness tend to hurt the hater more than those he hates, and can be counterproductive.


I agree, but I can't help.



Last edited by Lodelar on 18 Jan 2013, 11:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BlackSabre7
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18 Jan 2013, 11:15 pm

Lodelar wrote:
BlackSabre7 wrote:
Trying to be a version of yourself that you like and respect is.



Anyway, I didn't expect such nice answers. If you want to do something nice for me, you can give me a kiss. 8)



Mwahh, darling! XXX

I am so happy you love yourself. That is the thread you need to hang on to. I also get days when I love myself, days when my self esteem plummets, days when I feel I hate everyone, days when I am full of love and feel like hugging strangers. (Well, full of "something', anyway :wink: )



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19 Jan 2013, 12:24 pm

I would also give you a kiss - the next best thing being an online one xxx :flower: if it would make you feel better!

Wishing you a wonderful weekend. Feel free to PM me if you need more advice/encouragement/whatever.

Browse some of the forums and threads here on WP and see what interests you the most... there's something for everyone here.



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19 Jan 2013, 2:48 pm

Welcome to WP!


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BornThisWay
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19 Jan 2013, 10:52 pm

Hi Lodelar...okay let's start with the kiss... I cant believe it, but the stupid emoticons list does not have a kiss...albino bunnies, sure - but no kisses - go figure - so I'll just follow BlackSabre7 and send a :flower: (((XXX)))

Your post made me remember...oh how it made me remember - being young - there is almost nothing of that time I wish I had back. It was horrible. I went through those years self medicating with drugs and alchol - it didn't work - like you note, it just killed my self awareness and made me more animal like. So I stopped. Some things never got better, but I finally did. I learned somehow to get around them, to get over them, top get through them. It took a long time, but it was actually worth it.

The frustration and stupid rage of that time almost destroyed me - but I could not give them the satisfaction of what I knew would be their final funereal whispers of self-righteous, disgusting pity. They would have been "oh sooooo sad - but of course, you know how it was and all, what could you expect? It was sort of inevitable."

Don't give them the satisfaction.

It may sound strange, but I have to thank you for making me remember. I've mostly forgotten and the pain died, so I buried that pain. I guess I sort of transmuted it all into something else; an energy that makes me push myself harder to be happy with who I am, and to never let a bully attempt to define me. I don't drink or do drugs and I avoid their haunts and power spots (for women my age it's now the malls and self-help spas and other places where someone tries to sell you stuff to 'fix you) I work hard not really give a damn what 'they' think or say or even try to do. They really are beneath contempt...I'm not quite the saint to pity them - almost, but not quite when I see that the bullying and the pain it creates continues.



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19 Jan 2013, 10:55 pm

8O

Wow...just...wow.



BlackSabre7
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20 Jan 2013, 3:57 am

BornThisWay... Me too. I often say I would not be young for anything. Don't mind being smart, slim and pretty like I was but it really did not make up for the torture I felt and I sure did not see those qualities in myself then anyway. Now I'm older, and have confidence and self esteem that I worked BLOODY HARD for, I would much rather be me the way I am now.
Funny part is I am a 45yo Uni student, surrounded by teenagers that judge me for my age, and almost never sit next to me if there is ANY other seat available. I can sometimes see horror on their faces when they are assigned to work with me. Decrepit old me with the dusty bones and the maggots crawling through my hair - or so you would think. One girl blushed and would not look at me for a whole hour during a physics prac - she had rubber duckies in her hair. :?
After a couple of years of 'keeping my chin up, understanding, forgiving them', I found myself getting depressed, angry, even suicidal. Violent thoughts did come to my head.
Then in psychology, they discussed the profound impact of ostracism on people, even if they know it is because they are the subject in an experiment, and the perpetrators are only behaving that way because they are following instructions, and I saw that I was reacting normally. The school environment can be SO DAMAGING to an aspie!!
I actually think that it took so long to get to me because of the years of work that I did to fortify my self esteem.
I am proud of myself that I am going to graduate in June, finally, despite everything.
Then comes the job hunting......a nightmare I am not ready to face. Yet.



Lodelar
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20 Jan 2013, 10:06 am

...



Last edited by Lodelar on 22 Jan 2013, 12:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

BlackSabre7
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20 Jan 2013, 11:42 am

LODELAR!! ! I am disappointed you are quitting. I hunted through all of your posts to see why you got so upset and I do understand. SO I will say 2 things:
First, you have to find ways to not get this upset just because people say things. Don't forget who this site is for - I am new, but I have resolved to be forgiving of anything I don't like, and I can always not respond to anyone's comments.
Second, I will hereby announce that I actually agree with the things you said. After my daughter was born, I wanted to make informed decisions about her health care, as opposed to just trusting my doctor. I spent hundreds of hours researching stuff because of it. It took hundreds of hours to convince me to not blindly follow everything they said, because of my scientific background, before I had confidence about my decisions. But now I do.
I have learned about the politics of medicine - meaning I know how biased the research can be, how unethical and compromised the processes of approval and distribution of medications can be. I know who pays for the research that doctors are taught at Universities, and I have experienced the way they 'mold the young minds' of future doctors. I find it hard to believe that anyone choosing to stand up to the doctrine would wind up getting a medical degree.I do not believe that most doctors have any evil intent, and in fact, most of them do try to do what they believe is the right thing. They don't really have time to dig in and question what they are taught - even if it occurs to them that they should.
And don't forget that this forum is global. Some countries have a stronger medical mafia than others. Some people grew up in a country where certain things are really assumed to be 'normal' by the masses such that they would never think to question it, and would not even know what questions to ask. It takes courage to stand up to the machine, because standing up to the machine usually means also standing up to all of your family and friends, and possibly getting ostracized.
I believe you are intelligent enough to read between the lines that I have written. I have reasons for not wanting to upset people by spelling out certain things.
Feel free to PM me if you wish.
I STILL send you a kiss XXX!! ! :bounce: ( i put the bonce in because he is cute but i don't get it)



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20 Jan 2013, 12:40 pm

Hi Lodelar, don't let one person out of 70 000 upset you like this. The greater majority of folk here are respectful to one another, even when they disagree with the other's opinion/s.

Despite what you've been through, you cannot get the necessary compassion and assistance if you give up so easily. I sympathise with your situation and don't want to see you leaving WP.

:flower:



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22 Jan 2013, 11:46 pm

what about your dad/relatives.. do they have money to send you to good psychiatrist anywhere but France. I heard psychiatrists there don't recognize autism as a legitimate condition and therefore don't really help anyone. Could you go abroad?



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25 Jan 2013, 11:54 pm

Welkome to WP

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