Overwhelmed

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Hello everyone,
My name is Dan. I am 28 years old and going through a very rough time right now, as I'm sure everyone has at one point or the other. I've struggled with problems of depression and anxiety on top of my asperger's since I was a teenager. I did not have many friends growing up, just acquintances. I never attended any social events, but my mom would arrange playdates with other kids at my house. I was active in my church and that was a lot of fun until one year I was on a church retreat and beared witness to sexual assault and statutory rape between some of my peers, the youth director, and other senior members of the church. I stopped going to church then and have never looked back. A few years later, i went to college and I was a good student but I never attended anything other than classes. I was in college for 5 years and did not make a single friend but many enemies. My saving grace was that I was fortunate to fall in love on one of the first date's I ever had in my life. We ended up getting married a few years later but after 7 years of being together she left me after coming to terms with the fact that she was a lesbian. Up through then, her friends were my friends, and I was happy. After she left, those friends stopped talking to me (i think they blame me) and I was left with no one to turn to. I dealt with the depression of being alone and divorced and not a single soul in the world even asked how I was doing. However, I didn't let that get me down, I focused on my hobbies, at the time that was online gaming, and was able to meet some people through that whom I could talk to.

For the past 3 years, I've just been surviving with that small group of friends online. I never really went anywhere except to work and back home. I should mention that I haven't made a single friend at work despite being there for 5 years. I'm actually rather disliked due to the nature of my position and my mannerisms. I have tried the internet dating with some success but nothing has really lasted. It really feels like a dead end, I message people that have the same interests as me but they don't reply, and the ones that do reply make fun of me, I end up mostly going out with people I have nothing in common with. No one seems to reply to my profile on their own.

The final nail in the coffin that brought me to this site today is the events which have transpired over the past 2 weeks. It started with a girl I had been seeing for 3 months and had a solid relationship leaving me an ambiguous message to leave her alone, despite the time I had last seen her we had a wonderful time, i gave her space and a week later I asked how she was doing, no reply. While that was going on, I got in a huge argument with my best online friend, and now he nor the others that had been my support group since the divorce are talking to me. They outright refuse to have anything to do with me. At this point, I've lost all interest in online gaming.

That made me feel pretty bad, but I was determined not to let it get me down. I looked up my best friend from High School. He was happy to hear from me and invited me over to his place. I went over and there were 7 people at the entrance of the door, not a good start... I found him and we ended up talking for a bit but then I was relegated to sitting uncomfortably alone not knowing anyone like a bump on a log. When it was time to go, I voiced to him that it was great seeing him, but maybe next time we could do something that wasn't terribly overwhelming for me. He asked what I meant and I told him about being diagnosed with asperger's and what that means. After I told him, he yelled at me for making excuses and that I was embarassing him. I texted him a week later asking if he wanted to talk but he did not reply back.

Ok, i'm really starting to hurt now. I'm trying to get out with people and not be alone with my sorrow but now I've lost a girlfriend and my 4 best friends in a matter of weeks, spent x-mas and news years alone, and have no ideas. It was then I got a message on my online dating site which looked very promising. She lived nearby, had similar interests, and we hit it off through texts. I started seeing this girl, she was great. We had many of the same interests and felt as though we have known eachother forever. We found out we share the same beliefs about the body and soul, and when we kissed, I had never felt anything like it in my life, it was as if our souls were touching. That date ended with us making out for 3 hours under the stars in complete bliss. I thought things were turning around. We had several great dates with plenty of conversation and found out just how alike we are and had some really deep talks that connected us at the soul. I met her friends, she cooked me dinner, and we all had a gaming party. I have NEVER in 28 years been with a group of people that were so much like me, we had a wonderful time and played game after game. I was able to be myself, laugh, and my world was changing before my eyes. When she walked me to the car that night, she completely through me for a loop, even though we had just been making out and she commented on how much she loved my kisses, she informed me how she was actually falling for another one of her guy friends, they hadn't done anything except be friends to that point, and that she was sorry but even when she was with me, she couldn't stop thinking of him. She didn't know if that would end up working out, but she said she was always thinking of him and missing him and not me, even though she says I understand her better than anyone she has ever met and don't think she'll find the same bond with anyone else. She said she really liked me though and hoped I would be her friend and nothing more. So that brings us to today. I came home and have been in bed for the past 20 hours. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family, not even a neighbor. I'm alone in this world dealing with all of this and have nowhere to turn. I don't even have a hobby to do, playing on the computer just makes me sadder. I want to curl up and die. I feel like I should write more, but honestly I don't know what else to say. I need help.

Welcome to WP!

Dude, that is awful. There isn't much I can say except that I am very, very sorry this stuff happened to you.

How about some math as a consolation? The chances of that many crappy things happening to you in a few months are really low. So even though this time was bad, it probably won't keep happening. I mean for the first 28 years of your life it wasn't this bad, right?

Also, a midst all that pain you hit on one good thing. You had a lot of fun playing board games with those people. Board games, and card games, can be an awesome way of hanging out socially and being relaxed. You automatically have something to talk about. See if you can go online and find a local gaming group. If there is a comic book or game store in your area you might be able to go play Magic the Gathering or some other games with people. I have had some really lonely times when hanging out at game stores was my only social contact.

If you make some board game friends you might be able to convince them to go to pub quiz night if that happens in your area. If they do, then you will now find yourself out in a bar on a Friday night with something to do -- And THAT can lead to meeting even more new people, especially of the female, and into dudes, persuasion.

So, yeah, this sucks right now and you need to accept that it sucks and it is alright to be sad. But there are still things you can do. So, you gotta go do them.

That's a great idea about the gaming group. It sounds like a great idea, the only issue is this girl who wants to just be friends is a major contributor to the group in my area. I don't know how that will end up affecting my ability to relax, but I am definitely going to be trying it out next week.

Thank you for your kind words.

No problem. And a little more advice -- I wouldn't bother being friends with her. I'm sure she is a good person and so on, but the truth is she used you and was not very kind. Best case scenario she is callous and capricious, which is not a good combo for AS.

I have a habit of wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their mistakes, so about this girl, she may be a bit immature or confused herself. She certainly seemed to have led you on but maybe doesn't think she even hurt you so much. Some girls think guys are generally insensitive so kissing them and moving on is no big deal. They'll just find some other girl to kiss. Or whatever. After all, they usually are pretty inexpressive about their feelings. Not that that is any excuse for her being so thoughtless.
I will confess that I sometimes have trouble believing guys have any real feelings. My husband is a damned gorilla and I would probably be a real man-hater by now if it wasn't for my precious son. Thanks to him, I give men the benefit of the doubt too. I try to see the little boy in them, underneath the big thug.
After reading posts like yours, I always feel particularly idiotic thinking men don't have feelings.
I'm glad you found this group. I have only been here a couple of days, but I've made a few comments which I just know might have earned me certain types of comments from 'normal' people, but no-one has yet said a single thing which has made me cringe.
I have spent a lot of my life unable to fit in, feeling unwanted and not understanding why etc. and it definitely sucks. I hate that you have suffered from it so much. At least here you can find people who have lived the same awkward nightmare.
Feel free to talk to me anytime

I am so sorry that you are suffering right now. For some odd reason, the late twenties seem to be a particularly cruel time, but they often become a turning point that leads to greater wisdom and maturity. You already have a good deal of insight and I think you will weather this period okay. From your post, it appears you are having a hard time keeping the friends you make. Step back from yourself and ask yourself if there is a trustable person who knows you well and who could give you good advice. If there is, ask them for some ideas on what it is you might be doing that defeats your making and keeping friends. If there is not, consider that you might be looking for friends in 'all the wrong places', and keep asking for advice here on WP - at least some of us 'get it' and if we're in the right head space we'll answer. Not everyone here is in the right head space at any given moment .

28 was about the age when I learned to become an acute observer of exactly how I interacted with others in a more 'step back and observe myself as well as them' etc sort of way. I started to become more dispassionate and forgiving in some things and I also began to 'manipulate' my own emotions. I learned how to 'act as if' in order to obtain what I needed. Oddly enough, the acting 'as if something was true' led to experiencing something as actually being true. Sort of the old, 'fake it till you make it thing'. Don't do this in a big way or be smarmy nice or anything really weird, that sends people running! But use the techniques in small interactions until they become more habitual.

Look at these new people for example, are they worthy of your friendship? How do they treat one another? How do they talk about people who are not like themselves? Do you want to be like them as well as with them? Ask yourself these same questions about yourself. What made it so great that you had a good time with them? ..I know, it's hard work and a whole lot of systematizing, It may even feel like cheating or unnatural when applied to one's own emotions, but social analysis is usually something a person on the spectrum can become very good at. So why not use a strength to compensate for a 'weakness'!?

I agree with BlackSabre7 - this girl, with whom you felt such a connection may be confused or even scared by such an intense experience. Fear can make anyone, NT or spectrumite, do weird things. Is it possible that she is also on the spectrum? She might not have a diagnosis, but be sort of a borderline Aspie or something. Since she is part of this new gaming group with whom you did have such a good time, then treat her the way she wants for now. Let her know that her rejection hurt, and it's hard on you, but because you like her so much, if it makes her happy then her happiness is what you want for her. Oh know that last bit may be confusing as hell, perhaps not really true right now from your own emotions, but try out the idea (this is a 'fake it til you make it' thing). Giving someone you like what THEY claim to desire is a form of social respect, spiritual maturity and signals that you REALLY like them.

After that, just give her space and continue to enjoy your new friends - who knows, if she is not for you, you might meet another really nice girl through this group. In the meantime, observe her in her interactions with others, If she really is a cruel user or has some sort of personality disorder- then lose her fast and count yourself lucky- hopefully you won't lose the new social group. Continue to observe the rest of the group as well; enter this new social pool slowly.

It hurts to be alone, but it hurts more to be a victim.