Do aspergers often misunderstood as a rude person ?

Post Reply New Topic

Definitely yes.
And not just rude, I've been described as looking intimidating, aggresive and similar.
This has been made plain to me in a work environment in the past, when I've had complaints from superiors about my dealings with staff, customers, etc. after the event.
When I asked 'What did I do or say that was wrong ?' I believed I had been perfectly polite. I was told that it wasn't what I said but the way I said it, not what I did but my general; demeanour, etc.
I don't think it's just about facial expression (or lack of it) it's general body language that 'normal' people are picking up on which is completely oblivious to me.

My Mom is pretty cool. She can never stand to hear people bitching about another person if they have never told it to their face yet what they are doing is bothering them. So she thinks they have no right to complain about it. Even she has told them off after she would ask them if they have told them yet. Then she would tell them they have no right to be bothered by it and to complain if they haven't said anything to them yet about it.

I would like to add to this. Even if I am told I may not know what I am supposed to do to alter my behavior. For example, I'm always told it is impolite to point. If I saw something interesting, something dangerous, or anything else out of the ordinary how do I point this out? What is the socially appropriate way that I am supposed do that? If I am told I am doing the wrong thing without being told what the correct way is I don't know how to alter my behavior. I have had issues with various folks about this.

I never understood the pointing rule so I never followed it. I can understand why it would be rude to point at people but why at objects or places? If it means someone may think you're pointing at them, I call it their problem because they need to stop being so paranoid and start giving people the benefit of the doubt. They also need to work on their self esteem issues if they think someone is pointing at them.

Seriously if someone is pointing at a video game, how can anyone think someone is pointing at them if they were right next to the game? It would be impossible for someone else to think they are being pointed at.

Tis may not be a popular response, but a lot of aspies are rude, plain and simple, because they are self-centered and when in the presence of other people are not attentive to these people and, for whatever reason, generally do not really care how they feel,, and so the responses are socially inappropriate. I have in some ways been there myself, but I have learned. Two obvious aspies I I encountered recently on the bus on separate occasions were very rude. I knew it was because they were aspies, as they were easily recognizable as such, but I still did not like them.

If you do not mind, will you please go into specifics as to what they did to offend you?

i feel the same way as to what you're saying

The first one was on a bus back in March. He was sitting opposite me and talking louder on his cell phone than any human being I have ever heard. I admit I am sensitive to noise and carry ear plugs, but this was much louder than anyone I have ever heard. When I got off the bus I casually mentioned it and he looked at me like I was a bug.....Imo, having been around all kinds of loud talking people, this person was way out there, meaning he knew he was talking bizarrely loud. This is maybe not a good example, as he was probably not a typical aspie.

The second one was three weeks ago. This big broad tall light skinned African American guy was panhandling for money to get on the bus, was dressed very clean and wearing a new jacket with a sports logo.I am very familiar and comfortable with the African American culture as I am a musician and a lot of people from that culture in general---do not even have to be musicians-- are my heroes, and he was relaxed when he was panhandling and had some kind of lingo, niot so much, but I could tell he was familiar to some degree with that culture, and he was way cleaner than any guy I have ever seen, and his skin looked very soft like he had never worked....and I said I did not have any change, so he asked for a dollar which I did not give him. During all of this he sounded kind of normal though it was odd that he was panhandling in this area and was so clean. Then on the bus I was sitting one seat away from him on the side seats--an older woman was between us---and he was acting very odd---his arms were kind of going into her space in a weird way and then at one point he was putting his fingers in his ears to block out sound and I saw his features better which looked kind of autistic (as did the loud person, but in two different ways, I cannot say how for either, but the way some of their features were shaped), and I realized he was autistic and was so clean because someone was probably literally cleaning him, and my heart went out to him. Then I tried to talk to him and he ignored me, and I said something to the effect of---you were perfectly able to communicate when you asked for money, and he still ignored me, but I could sense he was very smart underneath his shell---I could literally feel it..Then, and this is the rude part---he took an extremely dirty and large tissue (specially made for him??? or maybe it just looked large because it was completely stretched out the way he was using it and most people wad it up).and was elaborately and ceremoniously cleaning out his nose with it and examining the kleenex as he did it, and then when he was done he laid it out flat on the flat kind of shelf behind the seat where he was sitting. It was truly disgusting.

Actually these are not very good examples, as these people were both probably passive aggressive. I have had several other experiences, too, with some aspies that I personally know, but who may be on WP and reading this, so I will not go there.... I think most here including myself are probably higher functioning and in many ways different than these two people I have mentioned, though the first one talking on the phone looked like he had a job....The main point is all of these people do not really see another person as a person. They are not sensitive, and people who are not sensitive are perceived as rude.They are seeing others as things not people. I think generalizing people into nt's and saying all kinds of s**t about them is extremely cut off and insensitive. Someone who is an nt made a thread about this on WP a while back and many aspies were defending their own behavior. I found it disturbing. Plus I have read many messages on WP accusing other people on WP of being rude. Of course if aspies really are rude they are going to be rude to each other, also, and remember, there are strict rules about rudeness here. In a forum without this kind of regulation aspies or anyone would be much ruder, trust me.

I think what it boils down to is that self-centered, cut off, insensitive people, whoever they are, aspie or nt, are bound to be perceived as rude, and if they do not want to be perceived that way then they should change their behavior not make excuses about it..

By the way, in the annals of politeness, it is considered very rude to tell someone else that he is rude, ha ha, and there is some kind of sense to this:-)

Also, I understand that some are stuck in a box and cannot so easily change their behavior, but there is no real evidence it is only or even because they were born a certain way....more likely, for whatever reason, they did not learn certain socialization skills. I do think the effort should be to encourage people to learn these skills rather than to try to educate other people who have these skills to adjust their behavior to these unskilled people.

I also would like to mention that I woke up in an extremely bad mood today, or more likely, because I generally wake up in a very good mood, something early on changed my mood into something very dark, and I cannot put my finger on what, so that might have affected the tone of this message. I remember now it was reading a another thread on WP and suddenly realizing that my own theory of mind is so far away from others here that I may never be able to communicate with anyone, and then I crashed....but along this line I have learned something about myself when writing this message, as looking back on these two rude people and my memory of them, I realize that they represented something to me when I mentioned them on this thread yesterday, and I am not sure what that is, but I do not like to think about it, and it is being factored into my crashed state which is so extreme I do not know if I can get through this day, which up to this crash was looking like a normal day. It aslo is discouraging to think that no one who is reading this will even know what I am experiencing when I am writing it, and also, it is hard for me to know what someone else is experiencing.....It is all quite subjective, but these social rules both spoken and unspoken do serve a function.....

People always think that I am stuck up before they get to know me. So wierd.

Yes, and the assumption causes the thing they thought I was doing to happen.

It is not just etiquette. Aspergers behave often in a very egocentric way, because they dont realize what the other wants or was about to do. E.g. some move like a combat vehicle. Or they assume that the other is basically there to assist them in their projects, and somewhat unconditionally, and a lot of effort is needed to make them understand your own point of view, this alone is quite annoying compared to how smoothly things go with NT people.

Then there is a lot of general resentment against people on the spectrum, because of the negative experiences people made with other high-functioning autists in the past. So people get suspicious if you show certain behaviors or morphological traits. The resentment is often particularly high with people who are themselves on the spectrum.

I think being on the spectrum can cause us (at least me) to have tunnel vision, particularly where it involves a special interest. I'm somewhat more aware of how people perceive my directness nowadays, but for much of my life I had blinders on about it.

One incident that comes to mind goes back to my early 20s, when I was in college. A local library was having a used book sale, and I was eager to see what they had on their tables. I spied a book that looked interesting (it turned out to be a somewhat rare volume that I bought), and as soon as they gave the go-ahead, I made a beeline for the table. Apparently I was a little too intent on accomplishing my mission, as another girl who was also waiting commented to a friend who was with me that I was the rudest person she'd ever seen. I don't think I bumped into her or anything like that, but there was something about my intensely focused mannerism that struck her as offensive.

There are innumerable examples of encounters like that in my life. I'm better than I used to be, but I still have little clue about how to casually "side up" to things like an NT normally does. I'm unfailingly direct - sometimes it's a virtue, but other times a big social liability.

I was trying to argue some points brought up by littlebee, but the website would not let me quote them or even add quotation marks. Hopefully, you can understand which statements I am referring to by their almost identical wording...

Tis may not be a popular response, but a lot of aspies appear rude, plain and simple, because they only understand themselves and when in the presence of other people are not aware of, or simply incapacitated by seemingly self-contradictory aspects of, these people and, for whatever reason, generally do not really understand how they feel,, and so the responses are socially inappropriate.

I think generalizing people into aspies and saying all kinds of s**t about them is extremely cut off and insensitive.

I did not learn certain socialization skills because I was not developmentally mature enough (due to autism-related delays) to learn, understand, and apply it. I am still trying to learn these skills. Why not ask other people who have these skills to adjust their behavior to these unskilled people such as myself? They already adjust their behavior for infants vs toddlers vs children vs adolescents vs adults.

An infant objectively needs a lot of adjustment, an Asperger not. Then an NT toddler is already easier to get along with most of the time when some Asperger adults are.

It is often after having adjusted a dozen of times to the same autistic person (or different autistic people), and having put your own concerns aside that one gets a meltdown-like: oh s/he (or they) cant disregard me and my intentions or concerns all the time!! !

I used to have this problem at work with people thinking I was rude. At one point it was hindering my progression and I was told I couldn't progress unless my level of rudeness improved and I was kind of demoted for a while.

I had no idea what I was doing that was rude so I just stopped talking to all of my colleagues. After a couple of months I was told there had been no further complaints about me and it was decreeded that my level of rude was now acceptable and I could go back to doing the supervisory type stuff I was doing before.

But, people understand that they (1st person) need to have different expectations of others as they (2nd person) age. I just think that some people base their (1st person) expectations of the behavior of others on their (2nd person) chronological age instead of their (2nd person) developmental age, even though these do not necessarily match in people with developmental disorders.