How to revive my interest in dating/women?

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Hi

Back story
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Lately (well I say lately more like the last few years) I've been drifting from place to place, job to job, usually with no substantial income to live comfortably. I've also been living on the charity of others at times. On and off I've had prescription medicine since I was 20 in order to cope with any changes that lead to success like in the workplace, or in some cases dating and relationships. I also used to have a lot of debt which is now no longer a problem but I've had debt pretty much my whole adult life which was always at the back of my mind. Pretty much the whole time for the last several years I've just been so distracted about getting my own s**t together and being how I am as much as I wanted relationships every time I got into them I didn't know how to handle them very well and couldn't juggle a working/adult life with a social life or romantic interest. I've gotten better over time, but I haven't had a proper girlfriend for at least 3 years now and the recent girl I dated was only a brief fling at best.

Where I'm at now
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I've got an apartment, nicely decked out. The rents covered for a few months in advance. I am likely to be working again soon. Anyways I really want to get back into the dating scene but it's like my lust for companionship or dating has completely eroded in all this time. I'm in a position where I'm comfortable almost, and at times women are giving me attention. I live by a few clubs and sometimes I go there on my own and women talk to me (yes, I'm not approaching them). But even the ones that didn't behave weird or rude to me? I don't know I'm just "not feeling it". It's like there's no connection any more. In the past I would have been smitten by any pretty girl that gave me the time of day. And now I'm going in there, girls are approaching me first, and I'm not interested!

Then there's all the women in my life. I hang out more with women these days. This is mostly because I volunteer and a lot of my male friends are very busy with commute jobs or have left the country altogether. But you'd think of all these women there'd be one I'd fall for, and there isn't one. And they're not unattractive. Not that I have a chance with most of them LOL but you know? It's almost like something in me has died. Or like internally I have given up completely and my brain hasn't caught up and realized this yet.

Questions I have to myself
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Is it because I haven't tied up loose ends?
Do you think this is a genuine case of "you just haven't found the right one?" and I should find ways to meet more women on a regular basis outside of the ones I know?
Is it because I'm guarded and don't trust anyone to be of reasonable enough character?
Could it be down to insecurities I have about myself?

Things to keep the thread in some sort of flow/direction
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-No, not gay. Go troll another thread, please.
-The last time I "felt" that way was when I went to a birthday drink session last year and my friend, she brought along a few of her female friends. I really clicked with this girl and we were having a good time. But as luck had it I ran out of money and had to go Home. I also didn;'t have my cellphone on me and felt it inappropriate to give her my number even though she and her friend kept pushing for me to stay and keep partying. I sometimes wonder what could have happened there.
-A lot of the attention I get from women is attention from chavs at one of my old haunts, and more recently what appear to be very strange women at nightclubs. Ffor example one woman asked if i was okay, flirted with me, then took my chair and abruptly left with the chair, started spinning on it near the dance floor while degrading another guy - the guy was needless to say unimpressed! Her friend seemed ok and she started talking to me a bit later but then all she did was ask about work, money, car....ugh.
-I'm into quiet girls/women that lead general steady lives and have similar but not entirely similar interests, and to be honest I really don't know anyone like that even in the Asperger group I go to once a fortnight. I mean there's 1 or 2 I'm curious about there but after the last time I hooked up with a girl from the group I'm very hesitant to try again there.

So readers
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What can I do get that zest for life again? Why do you think I became so distanced recently? Should I consider other avenues to look for dates or women in general?

Just wanted to say, if you're curious about one or 2 girls in the aspie group then you should just go for it. Doesn't matter what happened "last time" as every girl is different, and, if nothing develops from that then it doesn't matter - it's all good practice

How about going to the cinema alone and maybe chatting to girls there?


lol


I just realised that sounds a bit creepy ... I don't mean it in a creepy way

Or how about joining another group that you have an interest in? Maybe a book club, or photography club? Your local council website will probably have lists of clubs.


I think it probably is a case of not having found "the one". Most people say it happens when it happens and it's when you least expect it. So maybe it's best to go out WITHOUT the expectation of meeting "the one" and just seeing what happens?

I have thought about joining more activity groups. Currently the only places I meet women are:
-Volunteer work
-Aspie group
-Laundrette
-Bars and clubs

I really would like to join a book club because I do read (mostly pre mid 20th century books). I go to gaming competitions and events in local stores and bars but as you'd expect it's almost all guys. The only women there are their gf's and even still these women are surrounded by men that don't know how to get their own. Not that it takes away from the awesome gaming sessions, it would just be nice if there were more women there at the events.

At the Aspie group one has just joined, and the other is a mom of one of the girls that attends. The latter I really don't think anything will happen with, and the former I am unsure of her age. Without wanting to go into detail or embarass the girl I was with during last Summer, I was her first real bf and she sort of lied about a lot of her experience with relationships as well as her general interests which turned out to be very different to my own. They were also "more Aspergers" than me if that's even a thing but were very good at acting when it came to getting guys' attention.

EDIT: Yeah I just think I haven't found the one. Could be wrong, though. When I'm pretty drunk I will check out women LOL but I don't act on anything because I really don't like the personality of the ones I've spoken to on that sort of level. I'll try to avoid setting expectations, but ultimately that includes setting zero expectations. I tend to go out there thinking I will not find someone I will fall head over heels and it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Yeah, gaming to me makes me think of The Big Bang Theory It's definitely more of a 'guy thing'.

A book club sounds like a good idea. There's a few local to me and they have websites where they put up details of the books they're reading - so at least potential new members can see if they're too high/low brow for them. Most, though, try and pick books that are relatively mainstream to keep the majority of people happy.

If you're a member of your local library there's often short courses or groups getting together there.

I know what you mean about someone being 'more Aspergers'. I can spot a person with AS a mile off, and tend to get irritated by people who are more affected than me (sorry, that sounds awful, and no offence to anyone reading), and to be lied to (whether consciously or not) would be annoying.

You sound to be doing a lot of things to help yourself, so maybe time is the answer?

There's always dating agencies ... although I'm loathe to put that idea forward too much as I always feel people lie to make themselves sound better.

I'd consider dating sites but I'm very hesitant to initiate contact. I have tried on PoF countless different openers, styles and ways, all that weren't too different from my personality to be fake. I tried different pictures. And yes I do get visitors, and it's mostly the visitors I tried to initiate contact with in the past.

I dunno, if there was something more niche, I might consider it. AspieAffection seemed to have the right idea but it's so buggy the bugs have literally gotten in the way of me communicating with some of the members.

Not true. According to the ESA, 47% of gamers in 2012 were women. Of course, it could be that they're playing more casual games, apps and stuff. Still, there are more of us than you think.

As to the OP, I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, but the way you structured your post is admirable. Very readable. C':

Last edited by Yuugiri on 10 Feb 2013, 4:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

An acquaintance of mine (NT) tried PoF and he did get a few dates, some good, some not so good, but the majority of messages were from weirdos.

Aren't there other dating sites for aspies? I know there's general ones for people with disabilities, have you tried those?

Thanks. I have a lot of time on my hands this evening..lol

Well, ya learn something new every day ... interesting stuff ... thanks

welllll.... i can't answer the question as to why you are not feeling it lately. maybe chill out on dating for a while. no sense in pushing yourself to date if you're not feeling the reaction you want from it. just shelve it until you feel a spark with someone again. it could take time, but you could be out doing stuff with friends and not thinking about this nonsense for a while. takes the pressure off.

Yeah. Maybe. I spend more time with people I don't really know these days. I think that only makes it worse. I need to be around people I'm not so alien with, and maybe then when my guard is down at least a bit more I will start taking more notice of what's out there. Sometimes I think I am just blanking off everybody and where I'm pretty much living as a person drifting about with no steady social circles right now I'm always on the defensive, and this could be part of the problem.

I think I need to work on making better friendships of the new people I hang around with or try harder to get back in touch with the old gang. I think being back in a comfort zone with people might fix the problem at least a little. There's a good chance some of the women I've spoken to in the last few months were keepers and I for whatever reason have been in lockdown shielding myself.

Achieve this before anything else.

A man without a job is like a man without balls. How many girls you know would date a man without balls? very very few I bet.

You would increase your chances by like 200% with a job, and the better job the higher they would increase.

Yes, I am that pragmatic.

I can answer it.
You are 28 and your testosterone is in its first noticeable decline.
You have had plenty of opportunities, but you let them all slip. ( Meh, got something better to do. )
That is low libido.
1/ Start lifting weights. Boosts your testo.
2/ Start doing cardio. Running, cycling, swimming. helps the whole circulatory system.
3/ Take a testosterone booster ( you can do the research )
Read up on this.

I prefer an honest straight up answer like this I guess it does irk me a bit, I don't feel I can date without a job. Usually when I'm not working is when they all flock and having been in relationships while out of work I can tell you it's very embarrassing emotionally. I'm just going for anything now that isn't flipping burgers. I recently applied for a bank and the only reason I didn't get the job in financial advice was my debt history. I also got offered for an assessment at Ikea (which is pretty hard to fail) but didnt notice the letter til days after the appointment so it did knock my esteem a fair bunch.

I did wonder if my testosterone was lower than it used to be, ripped. I have some weights in the closet. I guess I can get back into shape. I was planning to go back to mostly fruit/vegetable diet with some light snacks as treats along with the weights and running but I never got round to it. There's a park 1 minute from the building and the weights are sufficient. Maybe I should get to it!

So yea.

Goal 1: Get a job.

Adult women simply don't want an unemployed man (and YES, I am generalizing, for a good reason ;p)

Don't think of anything else at the moment.

If anyone else tells you otherwise then they're sugarcoating or lying and their nose are probably as long as my African-like *****.