PTSD

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Yes, childhood abuse can cause PTSD. You do not have to be in a war to get it. Besides, being severely abused was JUST LIKE being in a war, at least for me.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely trust anyone. The impression I received as a child was that human beings are scary and mean. Though I know in my heart that there are good people out there, my brain seems automatically conditioned to distrust. If you repeatedly kick a dog, it will cower when even a nice human comes close to it.

I've not yet received enough love and kindness for me to think otherwise. The greatest love of my life left me because of his own aspie fear of intimacy. But he was the only one who gave kindness and understanding without pity or drama. And I gave it in return.

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Memoirs of a Geisha (one of my fav movies, even if it IS historically incorrect) is this:

"None of us receives as much kindness in our lives as we should."

The General says that to Chiyo when she's a little girl. And it makes me cry whenever I hear it. I like that movie because my life has the same tone and I am also "like water".

Somehow I've grown into a kind and gentle person. I don't know how that happened, but I"m grateful. I would never want to be like most people.

I'm kind of rambling here, so I'll let it go for now. I tend to go off on tangents, but it's therapeutic for me.

I think the lasting effect it's had on me is that it's left me always feeling 'wrong' and unlovable. I wouldn't say I'm a kind and gentle person but I am an understanding one. People's flaws don't mean much to me unless they involve being abusive. Someone can be greedy and selfish and even mean but as long as they're not abusive, I understand. I even kind of understand abusiveness (although I would never do it myself) because abusers are usually hurting themselves over something, or got abused in the past. I still have a lot of anger towards abusive people. Sometimes it manifests as a directionless anger, which I turn inwards. I used to have a self-destructive streak which I think came from being abused. I think I still have it, but I haven't harmed myself deliberately in quite a while.

I also have anger, but I'm unable to direct it at other people unless they've violated one of my very personal principles. I guess most of the time I just can't see my anger helping the situation at all so I don't even want to spend the energy on it. If I feel personally violated, I can get very vicious, though. I used to think shyness prevented me from getting angry, but now I think it's because my energy reserve is so low and I don't see people ever changing. I don't think people care enough about me to be affected by my anger. I'm tired of fighting for survival. It's like my body and brain have had enough. Nowadays, my anger shows through silence or avoidance. I have to reach a very high threshold of discomfort before I speak up about anything. Another thing is that I lack the knowledge of appropriateness. I don't know what issues are minor, what warrants "speaking up" and so forth. I've tried different approaches other than my normal stoic self. I tried speaking up just a little more, but just felt like I was complaining all the time. So I honestly don't know what to do with anger and sadness. I'll just continue to turn inwards as I always have.

I feel like people never take me seriously and see me as that eccentric ladyboy "thing". People who actually get to know me are always shocked at my depth, are scared of it, and run far away. It's interesting since I am actually quite positive. This post doesn't reflect my every day personality. I am quite cheerful to people and naturally optimistic. It's a gift I cherish because it's allowed me to thrive despite my experiences.

And I do feel "wrong" all the time, too. I think I am a good person; smart, kind, very hard-working, strong, introspective, loyal, etc, but I don't know why people are afraid of me just because I'm different. I can't shake that feeling of "wrongness" though, and I know it affects my relationships because it renders me unable to totally relax.

It blows my mind how the first years of our life can shape us forever. Psychology .... what we know today is just a drop in the ocean of the human mind.

I feel that I am wrong; it's basically the chronic feeling of guilt.

i have complex PTSD from severally childhoodabuse and neglect.
So yeah! childhood abuse leads to ptsd!

I have PTSD from suffering sexual abuse as a child. I never told anyone about it for nearly ten years, then I had to get it off my chest, otherwise I would have more than likely killed myself, but I knew something as selfish as suicide wouldn't make the pain go away, it would only haunt my next life. It was a very confusing experience since I have close relationship with the person who abused me and I still love them very much, but at the same time I hate them and I wish that he was never born. I have tried to come to terms with what happened to me but it is very difficult even with therapy I still have a hard time understanding. All you can really do is try to make the best of what you have now, and make sure you have a happy ending in mind for an unwritten future ahead of you, and even though what happened to you what happened to anyone with PTSD was a very horrible thing indeed just remember that disaster is often the only way to get through life.

Child abuse can definitely cause PTSD, often does.

However, there's evidence suggesting that many abused children do not meet criteria for PTSD, despite having serious psychological issues. Or meet criteria for PTSD, but the PTSD symptoms are the 'tip of the iceberg' when it comes to their issues. That's why the DSM-V is adding developmental trauma disorder as a diagnosis specifically aimed at children who've experience interpersonal trauma combined with attachment disruption. (Although I suspect their criteria may be too restrictive. Personally, I'd like to see the threshold for diagnosis lowered a bit.)