I'm always doomed to fail...

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It seems no matter how I try to piece myself together again, it doesn't work. I have self-image issues and don't get well along socially. So, A friend called me and invited me to her place. They picked me up with a car. Little did I know that the people at her place were drinking which made me break my new years resolution of giving up alcohol. I'm a recovered alcoholic, but it seems that I have to isolate myself totally in order not to drink. The day before, three other friends came over to my place. They brought alcohol, which I didn't know about until they had settled down at my place. I can't really tell them "get the hell outta here! No drinking around here" because I don't want to lose the few friends that I have. That day I managed to drink only two beers(!). But the next day, when I went over to that girls place it got out of hand.
Now one of the reasons why I decided to quit drinking is that I become so depressed and locked into myself when drunk. So everyone had a blast except from me who just sat down and drunk, listening to others, making a comment every now and then. Someone asked me "You gotta say something silent guy!" and of course, I didn't know how to respond to that so someone else just said "Nah hes just listening". And of course, that was obviously extremely funny...
Several embarrasing moments happened throughout the night which ended in me choosing to leave.
Suddenly everyones surprised and want me to stay, but I tell them I got to go because I need to get my s**t together for the next day, which is band rehearsal. They offer to drive me, but I turn it down and tell them I'd rather walk home(which took me an hour and a half, and it was windy and rainy as hell at 3am) lying to them saying I needed some fresh air and a good walk. So people tried to convince me to have them drive me home but I refused. Now obviously, the truth was that I was so overwhelmed by the situation that I needed to get away from people ASAP so I made this white lie about needing a walk.
So it ended up with me walking that long way home, cursing myself and God for my existence and this curse that haunts me.
I constantly try to improve my self image but theres always some major letdown. ALWAYS!

I do not know what else there is for me now... I feel so hopeless and abandoned...


That was a long rant... Thanks for your attention.

You could take Antabuse http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antabuse to prevent you
drinking. Drink non-alcohol around your alcohol drinking firends.

Plus are you taking anything for depression? I know your anti most drugs but what about some OTC drugs like tryptophan, ST Johns Wort? Have you every tried kava kava?

I wont break into song, but I will and will always recommend the meditation - helps depression, will help your self-image issues, and will even help the alcohol problem. Then, things you didnt even know about will be fixed.



Then again, I dont expect anyone to ever take this advice - its not the common 'well, just take this medical drug for such and such' response.

Try to figure out how to handle the alcohol situation, but these people sound pretty damn good, at least from what you've said. Kind of reminded me of a couple friends I have. I didn't always do that great in the whole socializing thing, so they tried to get me involved. Didn't always work, and wasn't always the best idea, but they meant well.

I doubt the "Nah hes just listening" bit was meant in anything more than a playful way, not intending to offend you. I can't really know this, but that would be my guess. That would make sense if they didn't know why you were quiet, though that isn't exactly something I've gone out and tried to explain to people much, so it isnt' that I'm suggesting you do that. Maybe its a good idea, I simply wouldn't know.

As for the embarrasing moments, well, I can't really speak on those, don't know enough about it, but its possible they weren't as embarrasing as you may think.

The fact that they asked why you were leaving
, and even offered you a ride, shows that they do give a damn, they may simply (surprise on this one, not like anyone here hasn't dealt with this) not understand where you're coming from.

Have you brought up the alcohol thing with them? They could turn out to be real understanding about it. If they truly value you as a friend and an individual, which your reports on what happen would suggest, to me at least, then they may be more than willing to not bring alcohol over. A friend's well-being is more valuable to most people than getting drunk. Well, it ought to be.

Revenant, I think that you REALLY needed that walk. What you describe is a legitimate need. No need to feel guilty.

I had a two month supply of 5-HTP. I brought it from sweden because its illegal to sell it(not imort though) here. I'm very open to herbal medicine so I'll see if I can find some info about those two you mentioned. I know Dr Lin had a product called Kava plus, so I'd think its pretty safe and effective. During my drug days I was medicated with several SSRIs like effexor and zoloft. I was also prescribed nozinan and truxal, the most horrible drugs I've ever taken.

About drink non-alcoholic drinks aroud my friends:
The problem is that when everyone around me drinks, its kind of hard for me to be the only one not drinking...

I support that belief 100%. Back in the days, I used to meditate. I've tried it recently but I am constantly stressed and can't wire out my brain to enter that state anymore.

However, my closest bet is to turn on some relaxing music, dim the lights and closemy eyes. It works a little.



Exactly! Theyre very good friends. Awesome people. Theres just this one girl who has a crush on me(I know because her friend told me) and somehow she is testing me (like NT girls do) by creating these awkward scenarios and questions.

The problem is, that in social situations my mind either freezes or wanders away. I can only discuss when someone has initiated a conversation. Bringing it further or introducing new topics with smooth transition is very hard for me. I'm silent because I don't know what to say...

And yes, I know they meant it well, as with the drive-me-home thing. But they don't know that I have AS and need to be alone when things build up. So I can kind of understand why they thought it was awkward of me to turn down the offer.

I think my diagnosis is best kept secret. They may avoid me like the others who i told about my diagnosis.

Yeah I told them that my new years resolution was to stop drinking. But their persuasion + the fact that everyone around me were having a drink made it kind of hard to resist.
I talked to the girl who lives there(shes my closest friend of those) and she said that she didn't know about the drinking either. She was at her parents place and they picked me up to drive up to her place again where her boyfriend had started drinking with a friend...

Thank you for understanding!