Fed up with all of it!

Post Reply New Topic

I debated whether to even post here in this part of the forum since I am the sibling of an adult undiagnosed aspie (believe me, it's merely a formality but you can't get diagnosed if you refuse to see a physician and/or lie to the one you see).

The short story is brother has always displayed aspie traits, he is now 43 years old. Mother sheltered him, made no demands of him and he also at times took advantage of her fear of confronting him with things. Mother got Alzheimer's, I had to leave my life to come and take care of her (which means him too since he's still living in her house). She went into nursing home 3-1/2 years ago, I had to take over supporting him, she died last April and I have now inherited him.

In the past 25 years, he has perhaps worked on a part-time basis about 7 of those years. His job was so part-time it went down to 8 hours a week, at which point he left and found another job. The first job he was allowed to work on the midnight shift in a store stocking shelves, perfect for him. Second job required customer contact, not so perfect. He left there after becoming angry about something, got a job at Wal-Mart, again was angry because someone dared to request he work faster, left there. Pretended to go to work for 4 months and continually lied when I would question, car was almost repossessed, I paid up the car, paid insurance, he got another store job. Again, upset about customer contact and stated he was working "harder" than everyone else. AGAIN pretends to go to work for 3 months until car is about to be repossessed. I refuse to catch the car payments up. I begin to draft an agreement for him to continue to live here with me, which includes working.

At that point, he has a meltdown and I had him admitted to a crisis center, where he stayed for almost 2 weeks. He got plugged into mental health services, but he continually minimizes his problems and is not taking advantage of their services the way he should (he takes 10 mg Prozac, nothing for anxiety, goes to an anxiety group once a week where he always says things are fine). He is going through vocational rehab, but he is happy to be lost in the system for months at a time.

Basically, after almost a year, he is in the same place he was. Not working, no prospects of working, refuses to file disability, refuses to acknowledge his aspie traits, on and on.

This whole time I have had the burden of "taking care" of him and I became very frustrated tonight because he is not progressing at all.


Then we address his old room upstairs. I asked him 9 months ago to get all the garbage out of there (he hoards) and clean up the room. I asked him at 6 months and then 3 months ago. I ask again and it still has not been done. He doesn't know why.

He had another anxiety/panic meltdown and I told him I was tired of being held hostage to his problems. He skulked around the house avoiding me for a few hours, then I told him to give me his Kindle (I bought it for him as a reward for continuing to work, he accepted it knowing he wasn't working).

He brought it to me, and then promptly had a total screaming meltdown and began choking me. Not hard, but literally choking me. Unfortunately I was sitting on the couch with a computer in front of me (because I'm working at this time) and he is screaming about how nobody in the family loved each other or something.

I took his hands off me and he attempts to say that being choked must have been what I wanted because I wouldn't "shut up". I told him I could certainly help him with his problems and asked him if he knew what I would do. He states (again completely unaware of his actions/consequences) that he knows I would throw him out of the house. And I tell him actually no, I will call the police and have him put in jail. I told him he needs to call his case manager tomorrow morning and get in some kind of residential program. Then he scurried off to his room.

I truly am beyond fed up at this. I'm tired, I am supporting this ungrateful sibling who visited his mother 2 times in 3 years in a nursing home only because I forced him to, who tells me what I want to hear and tells the people at the mental health place what they want to hear.

Meanwhile, he continues living his non-working life and reading about WWII and medeival royalty in his room.

Nice intro for me, huh? I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a lovely person--but seriously I am beyond tired of this and I'm also tired of taking care of people.

Anyway....nice to meet you!

he crossed the line when he choked you. you can't let that go on. he probably does need to be on disability and that will happen when he's on his own.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Your brother needs boundaries, period.

I suggest that since your brother isn't interested in helping himself, that you attend counseling for yourself, and investigate how to set and enforce boundaries with your brother.

If he can't work, he has to get disability. If he can't take care of himself, he has to get help. Do you think he'd be willing to brainstorm alternative living situations with you? The two of you staying together in one house sounds counter-productive to me: it may be keeping both of you from moving forward.

Is there enough inheritance to give him the house and make him solely responsible for it? Asking him to move will be tough because Aspies HATE change, so if that is an option, it may be the way to go. He doesn't have to take good care of it, he just has to keep it from being auctioned off for unpaid property taxes or condemned as a fire hazard (and a lot of hoarding can take place before that happens). If he gets on disability and maybe gets into a meals-on-wheels type program - or learns to microwave frozen dinners - he should be OK.

Gosh there are so many things to consider with your situation ... I can't even begin to address them all. I'd love to hear what some of our adult Aspies might suggest for ways you could help your brother. I hope some will be willing to chime in without getting too upset by the emotions you expressed in your post.

Remember that your brother is doing his best given the scars he probably has from a lifetime of not knowing why he doesn't fit in, and not having any idea what to do about it, or where to go with it. No doubt he's developed some pretty incorrect assumptions about the world in the process. It will take a lot of patience to peel through all those layers and actually help him. I've got to say, that is the sort of thing we all fear with our AS kids. I really hope that all the work I've done with my son will keep him from ever reaching the point your brother has, and his sister from ever having to be in your situation. Knowledge is everything. Or at least I hope it is.

Meanwhile you have EVERY RIGHT to your own life. You've done your duty to your mother and your brother, and sometimes a person has to recognize that even though a loved one needs help, they can't be the one to do it: all that will happen is the loved one taking you down with them. That doesn't benefit anyone.

Hi Omniel, welcome to Wrong Planet. It is nice to meet you.

What you have generously outlined for us is relevant because it illustrates a trajectory that a portion of this community will face or has faced; in each position; parent, sibling and dependent.

What happens to adults who have been housed and cared for by their parents; never having been on their own? Some have never been expected to contribute to the household economy in any way. (I am using the term contribution to household economy in it's broadest sense, to include; cleaning, cooking, repairing, planning, provisioning, peace keeping, record keeping.... in addition to financial contribution.)

It's a dire circumstance when the parent(s) of adult dependents have passed. It's something that gives us here at WP pause.

My heart goes out to you, having left your life to care for your mom, then your brother. Please do not allow yourself to stay bitter. That would be a true loss. Find your life and balance again because it is of great value.

Omniel, I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and all that you have been through. You do not sound like a bad person. You sound like a human being, not some sort of super-human. This has gone on too long and he crossed a line by choking you.

I recommend doing the following.
(1) Speak to social services, disability services, social workers, etc. Find out what your brother needs to do get government disability payments, residential care, etc. Assemble all the necessary forms. (It sounds like you have already done this.) As DW suggested, you may want to seek counselling for yourself.
(2) Speak to an attorney. Find out what both you and your brother’s rights are with respect to your current living situation, and what you would need to do to have him evicted, and/or to force a sale of the house. I am guessing that both of you inherited your mother’s estate. Depending upon the amount of money involved, you may want to set up some sort of trust so he does not squander or lose his share.
(3) Explain to him that he has to either get a job and take care of himself, or go on government disability and receive some sort of residential assistance. (Given his age, poor work history, and autistic tendencies, it is unlikely that anyone will hire him.) Tell him you will assist him with this if need be, but it has to be done by a certain date. (In some countries, one is much more likely to receive government assistance if one hires a lawyer to help with the process.) You should seriously consider moving out and putting the house up for sale, as this would provide you with some safety, and also make it clear to him that the current living situation is not going to continue forever.

One final note of caution. At the risk of stating the obvious, do not expect him to accept this in a calm, rational manner. Be prepared in case he does react violently, either by further attacks on you, or by hurting himself. My brother was autistic. A couple of years ago, shortly after he got into an argument with our mother about his chronic unemployment and messy living conditions, he committed suicide. As DW mentioned, your brother probably has a lifetime of scars, but here is only so much you can do.

Take care.

I agree that in order to help this man, you yourself should get both legal and ordinary counseling first.

Making any decisions in a state of high emotional desperation won't do much good.

I don't know you or your brother, but if he's capable of choking you (lightly or not), then I'd deem him a danger to himself and/or others.

Arguing and cajoling him to work, will never work. It hasn't worked till now, right? He may really be incapable of holding down an ordinary job.

I think he's in danger of winding up on the streets, or committing suicide, if he isn't in some supervised program or housing situation.

BUT if you have him arrested for domestic assault, that will stay on his record and quite likely cause him to be refused entry into any group program or living situation on the basis he may endanger others. He'll never be able to get a job with a criminal record, either.

Please, get both legal and emotional counseling before you decide what to do!

I do not think that you are a bad person at all. You have been trying to help your brother, and he does not have the skill sets to manage. It is an awful situation as your mother was not able to give him the skill sets earlier on.

I do not have anything else to add, but I would encourage you to follow everyone's advice about contacting the local governmental agencies for help. He is going to need to manage his emotions better to live in a group home, but I think at this point this is the goal unless you don't plan on selling the place and if he can be helped to manage living there responsibly. If he lives there and you don't, the mess won't matter. Even if you live there with him (which I would not recommend based on your post) as long as it does not smell too bad or present an actual fire hazard the mess is largely irrelevant.

I understand why he cannot get rid of his hoarded stuff. Autistic people tend to bond with their stuff. Unless there is an immediate need to do so, I would let that go for now. He does not have the ability to deal with it. Even if it annoys you, he is probably not going to want to deal with it until/unless he has to move out, which is also a big deal. I think the focus should be on getting him to manage emotions better, seeing if he can be made to be employable, and that kind of thing.

I don't think I put in all the cautions I should have when I mentioned trying to have a conversation with your brother about living situations. It would have to be at a time he is calm and there has not been fighting or tension about his situation. That may not be possible, but I do not have the information. I was coming from knowing how different my son is when he is calm v. when he is upset, and how when he is calm he is actually able to brainstorm ideas for controlling his own behavior. When he contributes to the plan, he follows it better. My son went for someone's throat when he was 4 years old but didn't really understand what he was doing. I would assume your brother knows better, or does he? Either way, as a grown man, he is a danger to you. Be careful what actions you take when physically near him, and consider carefully if it is even possible to have a rational conversation with him about resolving the living situation issues. I am sorry I was not as clear about that.

You two cannot continue living together. I think everyone here feels the same.

There is a lot behind his behaviors and long run it would be helpful for you to learn about it all, and to better understand what he needs in the way of help. But none of that will matter if he ends up harming you. You have to take care of yourself first. After that we can spend hours and hours talking about what might be going on inside his head and what life for him should look like. I understand you love him and feel responsibility towards him, but what isn't going to work, isn't going to work, so you start by untangling while doing the best for him that you can.

Thank you all for your suggestions and you are right, this situation can't continue. Even if he moves out, I still need to learn how to communicate with him in a way that isn't threatening to him.

We did talk today. He called his case manager at the mental health agency and we're both going in to speak with him. My brother is not going to ask what kind of additional help he can get. There are 2 services I'd like to see him get--individual counseling and they actually have a program where basic social interaction is rehearsed/practiced in a sheltered setting with coaching.

If it were as easy as leaving and just giving him the house I'd do it, but the problems that come along with a 90-year-old house send him into orbit, and the house still has a mortgage on it and he couldn't make the house payment even if he had a job.

And yes, I am going to seek out my own counseling--good call on that.

I also think the suggestion of going on disability would be much better accepted NOT coming from me--he seems to respect his case manager and it might be better accepted from him.

if you can help him get on disability then you could set him up in a small apartment nearby. that way you can keep an eye on him while still giving him his space.

Chris, I think that's what we're aiming at now--I truly don't think he'd be able to work more than part-time anyway when all is said and done, which is not enough money to get him living more independently. He will always need some sort of supervision intermittently because his coping and problem-solving skills are so poor that normal life "problems" paralyze him.

Did your mother make any provisions for your brother, or is her estate just split evenly (with your brother having full control over half the money)? Is there a way for you to set up a trust or something that will pay for an apartment and food over an extended period of time?

Omniel is still with us. I hope she will post.

Its weird to realize that I would have taken a different approach to my answer if I had had to answer the OP today, with more empathy for the brother.

But I really hate when old threads come back up.