Aspergers Husband

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I am married to my Husband who has aspergers and is 19 years older than me, and i need help. He is very over protective and its driving me mad. He doesnt not let me out the huse unless it is with him or his mum and when i do go out with his mum when i get back he asks if she tried to set me up with anyone. When i go for a bath on my own he checks on me every two minutes and waves his hand over the back to see if anyon is with me, if i go out the room he constantly talks to me to see if i am still there and tells me that i whn im cleaning i d it just to get away from him. Are some people with Aspergers like this or is it caused by something else. He has cheated on me on the internet but he says its not cheating because he didn't physically touch her, does he think im going to get pay back on him by cheating and he thinks im always going to leave him. Help me please i dont think i can take the shouting and mental abuse anymore!! !! !! !

Was he like this before you were married? Best to explain to him how important trust is in a relationship - seems like he is not at all trusting towards you.

hmm

Unless he's fixated on the idea of not losing you, it's unlikely that him wanting to do these things has much to do with Aspergers in my opinion.

He may not understand how he's negatively affecting you because of the Aspergers. Or he may not understand just how much he is affecting you.

Have you tried talking to him about this.


As an Aspie, I appreciate it when people just tell me when I'm bothering them. It makes it much easier for me to treat them the way they want to be treated.

Did he have previous partners before getting involved with you? One thing I'm wondering about is if he was cheated on by someone else, and it made him paranoid about it.

Anyway, my advice is to tell him outright how much this bothers you, and why. Given that he has AS, he may not realize it.

I am not like this with my husband. He sounds very paranoid. The rest I want to say has already been said.

Your husband has cheated with you by having cybersex on the Internet... okay, I'm thinking he might feel guilty about it and channel that guilt into the belief that you must be cheating on him. If he defines "sex" as "must be in physical contact", he's trying to rationalize it because "it wasn't sex"... but I bet he feels guilty, even if he won't admit it to himself.

Suggest you get couples counseling. I don't think this is something directly related to Asperger's; I could see a non-autistic person doing it too. He needs to learn to trust you and give you space.

I don't think there is any direct connection between being aspergers and being paranoid and jealous. At least it isn't in the description and I never met any aspie that showed these traits to any unusual extent unless it was general social paranoia/anxiety connected with a history of being rejected.

Possessiveness isn't an Aspie trait. Nor is guilt from online cheating a reasonable "excuse." However, lots of men, and a few women, get super possessive of their wives. It doesn't get better... it escalates. It is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to make it better. He needs help... and couple's therapy isn't necessary... he needs help.

Have you Googled "obsessive jealousy," or "husband monitors me 24/7?"

Your husband is obviously a paranoid hypocrite. He may be diagnosed with Asperger's, but the behaviour you describe is not connected with AS.

It is obviously a very unhealthy relationship. I suggest that you either speak to a councillor or get the hell out of there.

Yeah, that's not fair. Marrying someone much older is irrelevant, and how was she going to know he was going to cheat and monitor her? Coming from an Aspie who makes social mistakes all the time, this one should be quite understandable.

I agree that the constant monitoring borders on abusive, and that if he doesn't stop, you should leave the relationship. However, I also think that it might be a solvable problem if he addresses his issues. You married him--you obviously care about him. He can't be happy constantly worried that his wife is cheating. If he can get help and learn to trust you, things should get better for him and for you.

The AS is probably a background thing. It might contribute to his having cheated online rather than in real life (online is easier to socialize if you have AS). It might impart a vulnerability to anxiety about unpredictable events, and it might make it harder for him to "read" your emotions. But the possessive behavior is something any man might do, AS or not. So I guess my conclusion is that he is doing something that's common to many people, but his actions have an AS "flavor" to them.

Get this guy into counseling. At the very least, he should learn not to monitor you like you're an unpredictable teenager.

The only way obsessive jealousy is an AS thing is the fact that it's probably tied to extreme insecurity. A lifetime as a freak tends to leave one insecure.

His behavior is wrong. I understand it, maybe, but that doesn't make it right.

You are living in an untenable situation with a very high risk of becoming abusive.

He either gets help, or you get the hell out of there. Sooner, not later.

Thank you for all you're comments they all help. He was a little protective before we were married nothing at all what he's like now , he's my first ever boyfriend never been with anyone else, he asked me horrible questions like did I do anything sexual with any boys when I was a child, I have sat him down and told him how bad I feel and how it affects our daily life not just mine his as well, but he just turns it over to how it makes him feel having a wife that could just go with anyone. I'm very shy and have social anxiety so I don't even really talk to any. When he does actually listen to me about how it makes me feel he says I'm sorry then a couple hours later its as if the conversation never happend.