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Need to stop taking things personally

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Jensen
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24 Apr 2013, 6:04 pm

Scubasgirl wrote:
I have a tendency to internalize everything that happens to me as being my fault and/or responsibility. The stress eats at me. I know that for the sake of my own health, I need to separate myself from others' opinions. It is easier said than done however. Does anyone have any strategies that have worked for them to stop taking things personally and to heart? (This especially a problem for me at work. I get stressed out by department issues that are really not JUST my issue. When friends/family get upset with me for being my self, I get so worked up that I am on the verge of being suicidal.)


Actually, I am kind of releaved to read, that I am not the only one.


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Anomiel
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24 Apr 2013, 6:05 pm

nessa238 wrote:
I don't seem to store positvie memories at all


Memories are wonderful. This is what Roger Ebert said when he got cancer and lost his ability to talk (and more) and couldn't live the life he used to.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/04/05/rip-roger-ebert-life-itself/ wrote:
One of the rewards of growing old is that you can truthfully say you lived in the past. … In these years after my illness, when I can no longer speak and am set aside from the daily flow, I live more in my memory and discover that a great many things are safely stored away. It all seems still to be in there somewhere. … You find a moment from your past, undisturbed ever since, still vivid, surprising you. In high school I fell under the spell of Thomas Wolfe: ‘A stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces.’ Now I feel all the faces returning to memory.

[…]

I remember everything. All my life I’ve been visited by unexpected flashes of memory unrelated to anything taking place at the moment. These retrieved moments I consider and replace on the shelf. When I began writing this book, memories came flooding to the surface, not because of any conscious effort but simply in the stream of writing. I started in a direction and the memories were waiting there, sometimes of things I hadn’t consciously thought about since.



nessa238
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24 Apr 2013, 6:30 pm

Anomiel wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
I don't seem to store positvie memories at all


Memories are wonderful. This is what Roger Ebert said when he got cancer and lost his ability to talk (and more) and couldn't live the life he used to.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/04/05/rip-roger-ebert-life-itself/ wrote:
One of the rewards of growing old is that you can truthfully say you lived in the past. … In these years after my illness, when I can no longer speak and am set aside from the daily flow, I live more in my memory and discover that a great many things are safely stored away. It all seems still to be in there somewhere. … You find a moment from your past, undisturbed ever since, still vivid, surprising you. In high school I fell under the spell of Thomas Wolfe: ‘A stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces.’ Now I feel all the faces returning to memory.

[…]

I remember everything. All my life I’ve been visited by unexpected flashes of memory unrelated to anything taking place at the moment. These retrieved moments I consider and replace on the shelf. When I began writing this book, memories came flooding to the surface, not because of any conscious effort but simply in the stream of writing. I started in a direction and the memories were waiting there, sometimes of things I hadn’t consciously thought about since.


I function mainly in present time. My memories are hazy at best, if they exist at all, and mainly of negative/strongly emotional things. I have some happy ones but they aren't very long or detailed and I see no point in thinking about them a lot. I could never live in memory - I need input from outside myself to be happy. I will just read a lot more books when I get older.



Greb
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25 Apr 2013, 2:01 am

Anomiel wrote:
PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
In my opinion, not caring is neither a good strategy. At the end, you don't care for anything or anybody, you lose your empathy,

But not caring about (or at least distancing yourself from) people who intentionally hurt you seems fair enough, don't you agree?


But you must do something.

Sometimes distancing is the only healthy option. Your first loyalty needs to be toward your own mental health.


I think Greb is talking about fighting back instead of distancing but I'm not sure? Both your points are valid.
There are different natural reactions that happen when under stress and different people will have a different default in different situations (the key-word here being "different" :D) - it's the fight/flight/freeze-response, and even though maybe "fighting back" (from any kind of assault) would be preferable in some situation that's not gonna happen if you get one of the other 2 responses and it's not something to be ashamed/shamed of.
That is of course different than making a conscious decision to react in a certain way, beforehand, but not everyone is comfortable using the same strategy then either.

Funnily enough I just found this quote while searching for another quote by the same person and think it applies:
Quote:
I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
- Elie Wiesel


Yeap, this is what I wanted to say.

In my experience, when somebody is hurting, there's two possibilities:

(1) It's a punctual thing, a bored as*hole. That case, it doesn't deserve the effort. Just a quick gaze full of contempt and that's all.
(2) It's a dangerous situation (socially speaking), since it can become usual bullying or it can hurt your social image. That case, you must fight it back.


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Scubasgirl
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30 Apr 2013, 11:39 am

How do you quote people on here and show it in a square like that? I haven't quite figured out everything on this forum.

Yes, loner1984, my age is correct. However, I don't find age to be a very good indication of where I "should be". I think for the first 28 years of my life, I was comparing myself to where NT society said that I should be emotionally and socially and economically. It is pretty clear to me that that doesn't work and, generally, comparing yourself to others doesn't seem to work for most NT's either. Money isn't happiness, etc. Really, the reason why I was seeking answers and realized I'm on the spectrum is that I've never fit into the mold emotionally like I'm "supposed to". Clearly looking at the ages of other people who this post resonated with, taking things personally is not an age-related issue. If you have found a way to let things slip off of you in a healthy way though, then I am happy for you.

I struggle a lot at work with this. Therefore, it's not so much a matter of people thinking "you need to show more facial expressions and come to our work gatherings". That does not bug me. I get that they do not quite get why I am how I am and while I get sick of being misunderstood, I have an easier time telling myself that they just DON'T get it and won't.

I DO have trouble accepting that when someone is stressed out about circumstances in our department at work that I was directly involved with that it IS not about me. My work is me in my mind. Their frustration and stress feels like a direct reflection on me and if people knew to tell me when it was and was not, that might help, but it is generally seen as my issue that I do not automatically differentiate what should and should not upset me.

I also have trouble saying no because of this. No, I can not work more hours because I the stress will break me. People have this expectation that I can just keep stretching and stretching and stretching and when I say no they seem frustrated and I have trouble not feeling like that is a reflection on me. With much reflection, I know that I simply HAVE to say no to things that I can not handle and that regardless of whether I perceive them as feeling a certain way--and I may very well be wrong as I often am--and that they'll just have to take their thoughts and go deal with them, I guess.

Stress at work has lead to meltdowns at work. I am certainly too old to have these and I worry that they could cost me my job despite me being good at it.