Am i being unfair?

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Am I being unfair? I don't know how to deal with this, but I feel like my b/f doesn't take my anxiety in social situations seriously.

Example; Today I drove 4 hrs back from a work (I'm working split site) to meet his mom. She also lives away from our hometown, and we haven;t met. It was her birthday this evening, and he has been going on about how I should meet her before a party he's organized. So I took an afternoon leave from work, wasted hours driving back, and then he didn't bother to let me know when to meet them (that was the plan, it was vague and unclear, which makes me really anxious anyway). So then he calls just before the party (it's in a bar in town) to say can I meet them there; this is bearing in mind that there will be 50 + people, none of whom I know except him. So I try and work out whether he actually wants me to go (because he starts saying "well, I want you to be there, but I won't be able to talk to you, you can forget it if you're going to get stressed out, I don't need that"). So I'm like, ok, I will drop in but probably not for too long (I thought this was a polite compromise - I don't want to go AT ALL, and only agreed because I wanted to make him happy, and to feel NT about it). But he blew up and was all "I can't be arsed with this, I'm stressed enough as it is" - I cannot empathize. And am not going at all. So he organized a party? Big deal; he just hired a venue that did it all, and asked his and his mother's friends? All of whom he knows and gets on with. We've been together over 6 months now (not that long, but long-ish for me), and I just found that so rude and hurtful, especially as I gave up leave to travel back, for something I was only doing because he wanted me to.

Is this unfair? I want to text him or something, but I'm worried I'm being selfish or unreasonable.

Yeah, if you texted him, he may blow up about that, too. I was working out the math. 4 hours drive is a loooong drive. Where I live it's like driving from Seattle to Spokane. That's a long drive just to be ignored. He seems pretty inconsiderate. I wouldn't say move on but just give it a little time.

You know, if he can't be accepting of your nervousness about being around that many people, or at the least, be accommodating about it (by, lets say, mentioning a spare office room you can hang out in if it is too much, or promising to talk to you for awhile), then you shouldn't go. Especially if he knows about your autism.

So he wants you to show up to a social event surrounded by strangers, stay for the entire event, and remain sociable? Is he at least letting you drink a little?

I think you are being a little unfair. He is probably equally, if not more stressed than you and flapping. It is difficult to organise a social event, especially for parents and so he must be nervous and on edge. Probably needed some support, reassurance and encouragement, which is what you also needed. He hasn't acknowledged your efforts or needs. Have you acknowledged his?

I'm actually on your side, zoejo. I think what he did was very inconsiderate. Some NT people seem to think they are better than everyone else and can treat people however they want to. Well, I'm here to tell you that they are in the wrong. At best, he owes you a huge apology for the way he treated you. I say give him just one more chance. If he does something like this to you again, I say that it might be time to break up with him and find someone who is more considerate of you and your feelings. Hang in there!

I don't think fair/unfair is a helpful thing for people who are dating to be focusing on. The important thing to find out is whether or not the two of you are compatible. The whole point of dating is to find somebody you are compatible with. Both you and he feel that this is unfair and in a way you are both right.

It isn't fair to you to drive 4 hours to meet somebody only to discover that this meeting won't be one on one (as you had expected and would happily do) but will be at a party with 50+ people you don't know and won't be comfortable mingling with.

It isn't fair to him to go to considerable trouble (and it is considerable trouble) to organize a party only to discover you won't go because it's too big.

When both people feel that something is unfair (and I am taking his "I can't be arsed with this" comment as evidence that he feels it is unfair), that is a sign that the two people are incompatible. Although relationships take compromise, some compromises are too big and a sign that the couple will never truly be happy together. This may be one of those times. He would be happier with somebody who likes big gatherings. You would be happier with somebody who doesn't.

There are plenty of couples who have completely different socializing desires and they are happy together. But that's because the compromise doesn't strain them. But compromising on this clearly is a strain for both of you. Sometimes it's best to just see unfairness for what it is really signaling- a difference between you that will not improve with compromise and compromise will simply keep a relationship limping along with both parties unhappy because they are both with the wrong person.

You wanted to compromise by just popping in for a bit. If you were a compatible couple, that would be fine. But the fact that this compromise strained him anyway is evidence that you are incompatible.


People often talk about how dating is unfair. It is and that's a good thing. Attempting to impose fairness in dating just leads to incompatible people staying together unhappily instead of finding a person with whom the particular compromises they can happily make don't feel like a strain. All relationships require compromise, but that compromise shouldn't be so upsetting for either party. If it is, that's a sign you are incompatible.

Been there. Whenever my ex had some big event planned and I was involved, I basically wasn't allowed to interject or anything while she went completely nuts and acted like a barely stable control freak. It sucked.......

I think he was being a bit unfair, and like you say, hurtful. I would never talk to my significant other like that. :\