High Sex drive in a NT/AS relationship

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Hi everyone,

I'm hoping for some advice/reassurance on this.

I am a 23 year old neurotypical girl. I've been in a relationship with a 27 year old guy with undiagnosed AS for 8 months. He displays many of the traits and fits the diagnostic criteria.

Our relationship is pretty great, he's very loving, very sweet and I love him very much too. I have a reasonable amount of experience in working with/ knowing people with ASD and although some things are hard I understand and we rarely have arguments or problems in the relationship and when we do we are very able to talk about it and enable one another to see the opposite point of view.

The problem we have though is sex. He has told me in the past he has been addicted to porn, watching it multiple times a day, wishing that his ex partner would leave the house so that he could. he doesn't watch it at all now, because he doesn't want to get addicted again and because he says he doesn't need to since he's been with me. I do believe this as be has no reason to not be truthful, he knows I would understand.

We don't live together and actually live quite far away so we only really see each other at weekends, often for long weekends. When we first got together we spoke on the phone a lot and he really found talking about anything sexual uncomfortable. Now though it's very different and is more comfortable than me. He is always asking for photos and videos when we're not together and gets upset because he feels like this has lessened as the relationship has gone on. He also gets very upset and confused that our sex frequency when we are together has dwindles a little bit. We still have sex at least once per day, usually multiple times. I told him that I couldn't keep up but still wanted to make him cum and he took that very badly. He thinks I don't find him attractive as he finds me and its rslally putting a strain on the relationship.

I feel really really inadequate. I hate saying no to hi, because he gets really upset. He's really trying not to but I know that he is. He has even cried about it - even though I said I would make him cum I just didn't have energy. I feel like our relationship revovles around sex and when we do, he wants it to be really adventurous, trying new things, using toys etc ANSI just find it exhausting trying to keep up.

He gets up earlier than me in the mornings to go to work. Without fail I am expected to wake up when he does, he sets his alarm 30 mins a earlier to allow sex before he gets up, he then goes to work, expects sex when he's back and then again after dinner and then when we go to bed and each time always lasts a really long time , with lots and lots of foreplay etc. if we spend any time snuggling in bed afterwards he just gets horny again and wants to have sex again, immediately after.

I understand he can't help this but I feel so so inadequate and it really gets me down, I try so hard but it's never good enough and I'm worried it never will be. We have tried to work it out and we have spoken about it several times but it always just happens again and again and he just can't help it. I dread kissing him and getting close because eye immediately gets an erection and wants to have sex, tries it on then gets really disappointed if I don't want to.

Has anyone had a problem like this? How can we work towards resolving it?

Many thanks

Dude, your man needs to give you a break! How can you even handle what you are? That doesn't even sound healthy. Sex everyday multiple times? Is he making up for depression or his addiction? I've never heard of an aspie who wanted it that much. He needs to give you a break. If it makes him think he is going to get addicted to porn, tell him he already has a lady who would be ok in the nude around him. He shouldn't ever need porn when you are around. If this doesn't help, you need a councilor or therapist that has experience in porn and relationships. I am sure that because he is truly trying to keep himself from falling prey to porn again, he would love to go through with this kind of thing. Good luck, and many blessings.

Thanks for your reply. I've tried to explain that we do still have sex a lot but he's worried that its gonna get less and less and stop completely, as it did in a previous relationship (which is when he got his porn addiction)

He says sex just makes him happy and he's sad when we don't. I've tried to get us doing other things, going out to the park etc rather than him coming home and just trying it on, hoping we're going to have sex and waiting for it all afternoon/evening, but even when we are out he's talking about what we're gonna do when we get home.

I have to take at least some of the blame here. When we first got together I did just always go along with it. Because I wanted to, I did try and explain it just wasn't sustainable but he says he can't understand why and I don't know what to say.

He's always counting how many times we're having sex. He remembers the one day when we didn't and will say things like ' I don't understand on Sunday 22nd we had sex 4 times and now you're saying you only want it once today, what's changed?' I really am at a loss how to explain it to him. He just can't understand.

And the other thing is that if I do say I don't want to I always have to explain myself to reassure him. He asks 'are you tired, are you ill?' And I have to say yes it's just that I'm tired or whatever but then he wants to know why,- has work been busy, and if I've had lots of sleep its like he doesn't really believe me. He can't understand why I'm more tired some days when I've had the same amount of sleep etc as on others.

I can't keep up! It makes me not want to spend time with him sometimes because I know it's gonna be stressful.

Have you considered therapy? It sounds like his life is basically revolving around sex and that doesn't sound healthy. He needs to understand where you're coming from as well and be willing to compromise. You shouldn't feel bad for not being able to keep up, because I doubt very many people at all could with someone like that lol!

Is he a bunny or something? Or a wolfman?

Joking aside, is he more worried or unable to understand that sex takes about as much, if not 3 times as much, out of you than it does him?
If he is disappointed by sex only once a day, then simply cannot understand his overloaded sex drive. Once a day? That is more than most married couples! I just don't know how he isn't sore by now! My goodness, at least he is doing it with you, Try making him do all the work, including initiating it. Just to be sure, he is waiting till you are aroused, and at least making you feel good too right? Does he even get romantic? Make him work for it, at least it will stall him.

Clearly he is addicted to sex. It does not sound as if he wants to change that. I am an advocate of therapy, but it is of no use when the patient is uninterested in changing.

He sounds like an alcoholic who believes that drinking alone is addict behavior, but drinking in company is normal moderate drinking behavior no matter how much alcohol he consumes, as long as you are drinking with him. So he forces you to drink beyond your desire to do so, in order for him to be able to both drink in excess and feel that his behavior is OK.

It sounds as if he is not at all open to any suggestion that frequency of sex with you should or could be curbed no matter the reason. Unless he is open to reason on this, I just don't see what you can do about getting him to change on this.

Like so many things in relationships, your only options are on your side of the equation. What do you need/want to do for your own satisfaction and mental/emotional well being?

Hand your guy over to me, I would love a man with that much stamina, lol.

I'm only kidding... he really does sound like he has an addiction. This often means the person is masking pain and shame via sex. Shame is an awful shackle to wear, but he could get help for it.

Its almost as if he's unconsciously pushing you into a position of having to reject him.

treat it like any other addiction

We still have sex at least once per day, usually multiple times.

WOW

Have you considered that he's just hypersexual?

It's not uncommon in autism. It can certainly lead to porn addiction, because of such a high drive and no real release, especially if there is a partner but they're constantly rejecting you.

When I was reading your post it was like you were describing me (not with his reactions, but with the frequency and stimulus and such).

Being with someone who is hypersexual, while the other is not, can cause all sorts of problems in a relationship, many of which you have described I have experienced myself. Certainly the amount of disconnection can be difficult to handle. It's different from an addiction in that it's not an addiction - it's just him.

Good news is - you can try herbs or drugs that will lower his sex drive. If it's successful then it's unlikely that is a sex addiction.
He may choose to try it for a trial period if you explain that it may mean less rejections.

You must be a bombshell.

You guys may want to take a few naughty pictures just to keep him busy (and let your your raw organs recuperate once in a while!!)

Thanks everyone. Since reading what you said I have realised that I'm not being massively unfair or anything and we've been able to talk about it and try and work things out. He really is trying to be understanding and not get annoyed or upset or make requests when it's not reasonable and I've been much happier.

We've tried to implement waiting until I initiate it but that hasn't quite worked so far. We'll just see how it goes. Work in progress!

Thanks for your help

Add some ingredients to his food:

http://www.11points.com/Food-Drink/11_F ... _Sex_Drive