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GaiaXIX
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09 Jan 2017, 9:03 pm

The same goes for me I can feel romantic attraction and a aesthetic attraction but this is not the same with them you can feel that you are like a goal and most of them will not care if I was totally stupide or egoist or whatever since I look nice (by nice I mean "hot" which describe more rightfully the thing I guess) they are happy and they do not hesitate to express it with jokes. I now this is the worst place for someone like me but I tried to go to bars or sports clubs and this is always the same scenario they analyse you they evaluate if you "worth" to spend anytime with you and if it is a yes you will stay a goal. They will confess it by themselves after a few weeks if they did not succeed. I guess it is the same for all young women like me but to me this is very agressive especially being seen as something I am not (to me, if I had to describe myself I will tell my age my life what I like where I live and only mention my gender as the same time of my skin color because I do not see myself as a sexual entity so when they look at me like that it is very uncomfortable)


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TheSpectrum
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09 Jan 2017, 9:12 pm

GaiaXIX wrote:
The same goes for me I can feel romantic attraction and a aesthetic attraction but this is not the same with them you can feel that you are like a goal and most of them will not care if I was totally stupide or egoist or whatever since I look nice (by nice I mean "hot" which describe more rightfully the thing I guess) they are happy and they do not hesitate to express it with jokes. I now this is the worst place for someone like me but I tried to go to bars or sports clubs and this is always the same scenario they analyse you they evaluate if you "worth" to spend anytime with you and if it is a yes you will stay a goal. They will confess it by themselves after a few weeks if they did not succeed. I guess it is the same for all young women like me but to me this is very agressive especially being seen as something I am not (to me, if I had to describe myself I will tell my age my life what I like where I live and only mention my gender as the same time of my skin color because I do not see myself as a sexual entity so when they look at me like that it is very uncomfortable)
This raises another point-
Romantic, aesthetic and sexual attraction are 3 components that do not necessarily require each other to make a whole in a relationship or feelings for another person in any form. And with asexuality especially the combination and depth can alter drastically from person to person. Which makes us not only isolated from sexual folk but even from each other, which is a bit depressing..!

As for bars, speaking as someone in that line of work, it is not the right place for you to meet others. Try Meetup.Com if you are likely to travel to London at any point (though I don't fully agree with being lumped in with LGBTQ, I'm straight!). Or perhaps even try AVEN forum for meetups.


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kraftiekortie
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09 Jan 2017, 9:15 pm

Especially if you want a long-term relationship.

In my 20's, I would walk into bars, and strike up conversations. Sometimes, I would hug women. There were some women in the bar who really turned me on.

But nothing came of it----except a few hugs.



TheSpectrum
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09 Jan 2017, 9:25 pm

It's always a lucky dip in clubs, Kraftie.
And Gaia, just realised you already covered everything I pointed out :lol: sorry.
On the plus side, we are in total agreement


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09 Jan 2017, 9:27 pm

Zed90230 wrote:
I can only speak for myself, but having someone tell me how fantastic sex is, is like describing a beautiful sunset to a blind person.


Maybe, maybe not? I'm blind, I've never seen the sunset, and I would love to see it. You're saying you don't want the experience though, right? Not only that you can't have it?

Although I've never experienced a sunset, I've found beauty in non-visual ways. Sexuality is, above all, a way to give both people mutually intense pleasure. It's about feeling and observing the other person's reactions and being like, hey cool, I helped them get there. I can't think of any other experiences that are similar, although it's true that sexuality isn't the only sensation you can share with others.

My point is, I think that's why so many people don't understand being asexual by choice.

The comments about feeling devalued make sense to me. There's that insecurity: is the guy interested in my character or only my sexuality? Are we hanging out because he enjoys my company or only because he wants something? It sucks, wondering those things.



GaiaXIX
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09 Jan 2017, 9:40 pm

Of course I know the Aven forum but in France it is not that active asexuality is very very very marginal (everyone think I identify myself asexual to get interesting) but even if I like talking with the people of Aven it does not solve everything honestly being asexual is for me way more an handicap than my autism. When I say I have Asperger everyone is like ok no probs but if I tell I am asexual they will just say that I am a scared old virgin which have no idea of what she is saying and they feel that today they are generous and will accept for devotion to show me. I mean I cannot do anything with stranger they do not know (it is the same for lesbian so fair enough) but when they are supposed to know me it is very hard to accept. I am not asking them to avoid sex conversation or anything just to treat me not as a sexual object. And I have been told of the rumors saying that I am just a liar who want sex but too shy to confess it and there even had a kind of a race to be the first on my case. And this kind of situation is everywhere and each time I complain about it people (my parents for instance) reply "what do you want it is just the way it is men just want to have sex they do not think to something else so learn to deal with it".So if men cannot think to something else and I cannot think of it what option do I have? Just leaving away from society


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TheSpectrum
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09 Jan 2017, 9:43 pm

:( I see.
Try ace-book, there are a lot of French there, and I've made some friends on the site.
It won't solve everything, but it's a starting point. Mind you, you probably know that site as well!

The ignorance and stigma towards people who do not wish to have sex is downright ridiculous. There was a time it would've been totally respected (sadly only because of religion).


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DataB4
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09 Jan 2017, 9:48 pm

GaiaXIX wrote:
Of course I know the Aven forum but in France it is not that active asexuality is very very very marginal (everyone think I identify myself asexual to get interesting) but even if I like talking with the people of Aven it does not solve everything honestly being asexual is for me way more an handicap than my autism. When I say I have Asperger everyone is like ok no probs but if I tell I am asexual they will just say that I am a scared old virgin which have no idea of what she is saying and they feel that today they are generous and will accept for devotion to show me. I mean I cannot do anything with stranger they do not know (it is the same for lesbian so fair enough) but when they are supposed to know me it is very hard to accept. I am not asking them to avoid sex conversation or anything just to treat me not as a sexual object. And I have been told of the rumors saying that I am just a liar who want sex but too shy to confess it and there even had a kind of a race to be the first on my case. And this kind of situation is everywhere and each time I complain about it people (my parents for instance) reply "what do you want it is just the way it is men just want to have sex they do not think to something else so learn to deal with it".So if men cannot think to something else and I cannot think of it what option do I have? Just leaving away from society


That's really obnoxious on their part. :( Why can't people be more accepting, even if they don't understand completely?



GaiaXIX
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09 Jan 2017, 9:54 pm

Yes I have told this myself a lots of times. The problem is that sex drives the society communities are forming themselves with this like the gay community which lives in the marais. Why living with people of the same orientation? This means that it is the first thing they put on the importance list that important it tell them where to live and some boys spends a lot a money to have a girl they do not like just for sex. I always think of it like living in the pokemon game without having a pokemon (in the game everyones live has to do with pokemons: movies are about them, shop, work, etc etc) so today, in Fance at least it shocks people


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GaiaXIX
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09 Jan 2017, 9:58 pm

DataB4 wrote:
GaiaXIX wrote:
Of course I know the Aven forum but in France it is not that active asexuality is very very very marginal (everyone think I identify myself asexual to get interesting) but even if I like talking with the people of Aven it does not solve everything honestly being asexual is for me way more an handicap than my autism. When I say I have Asperger everyone is like ok no probs but if I tell I am asexual they will just say that I am a scared old virgin which have no idea of what she is saying and they feel that today they are generous and will accept for devotion to show me. I mean I cannot do anything with stranger they do not know (it is the same for lesbian so fair enough) but when they are supposed to know me it is very hard to accept. I am not asking them to avoid sex conversation or anything just to treat me not as a sexual object. And I have been told of the rumors saying that I am just a liar who want sex but too shy to confess it and there even had a kind of a race to be the first on my case. And this kind of situation is everywhere and each time I complain about it people (my parents for instance) reply "what do you want it is just the way it is men just want to have sex they do not think to something else so learn to deal with it".So if men cannot think to something else and I cannot think of it what option do I have? Just leaving away from society


That's really obnoxious on their part. :( Why can't people be more accepting, even if they don't understand completely?


Because in the society men have to do the job to get girls and so the girls have to protect themselves for a lot of reasons (to not look like a prostitute, to make themselves more attractive etc etc) and so when you say I will not have sex they think it is a strategy you made so the more you explain the more they think it is a lie and try to get you. This is a deadlock


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10 Jan 2017, 11:30 pm

I'm sort of on the asexuality spectrum in that I don't experience sexual attraction or desire sex unless I experience romantic attraction. I'm not aromantic but I didn't have a desire for a romantic relationship until I stumbled into my 1st one at 20. I've been called gay alot & hit on by gay guys but that's probably cuz I don't conform to some other gender stereotypes.


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14 Jun 2017, 7:29 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
I unfortunately, when it comes to me, feel any sort of sexual advance towards me predatory or a demonstration of lack of interest for my character. The times I've had sex, I feel used after and not validated at all if anything just as uncomfortable as towards the buildup.


For me the sex-desiring look is a deeply objectifying look. Even within the romantic relationship, it's like tense hunger aimed at your body. Crude and intense. Kinda predatory, I agree.
I experience romantic attraction and aesthetic attraction to all genders, I'm not averse to non-sexual touch, hugging, stroking my arms and back, gentle kissing even, but sex is a completely different area with additional problems and a lingering feeling of "ehhh... why am I even doing this?". I'd rather just lie down alongside someone and contemplate how beautiful his or her cheekbones are, how cute the freckles on their arms, how soft and warm their skin under my fingers, the smell of their hair, hold them in my arms... Why ruin it with sex? :)



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19 Aug 2017, 2:43 pm

I'm inclined to believe that an asexual person lacks libido, lacks sexual desire.

If one has sexual desire, yet is grossed out by actual sex, I would call that person "sexual, but physically averse to the act."

At first, this fit me somewhat. I was grossed out by some aspects of sex. But I changed via experience.

Truly, one should not feel force to "change" unless a person wants to be changed. Not wanting intimacy does not really harm others--in and of itself. Only a potential intimate partner.