Are some just meant to be alone?

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I'm 32, a gay male and well to be honest I've never had a relationship. I'm not the most attractive guy in the world but I don't think I'm the worst either. I've seen other people worse looking than me that still seem to find somebody to marry or have a long term relationship with. I will admit it's hard for me to "date" as I don't drive and I live at home still. I'm also in a rural area and that doesn't make it easier. I think I've always blamed the lack of dating on I don't drive and I live at home. I've recently came to the conclusion though that it's just me. I've tried many personals websites including OK Cupid and Lifeout. I thought I had a good profile and a few good pics but yet nobody ever messaged me and to be honest when I'd message somebody 99% of the time I'd never get a reply. I crave a relationship and I want human contact. I'm actually a very loving and sensitive guy willing to do anything for a friend, in fact to my friend my partner they always come first.

I've had a couple of semi dating things lasting a couple of weeks where I get attached to the man and it just falls apart and I'm left in a mess once again wondering why? I know I'm not in the best situation but I can't even seem to develop an online relationship. I'm social, I'm funny, and I'm a very loyal and loving person. I think sometimes I can be awkward and not know what to say in a social situation but I feel like once I relax and focus I do ok. Then again as an likely Aspie since we seem to misread signals, body language, etc? Is it possible I'm just doing something so wrong and I'm not even realizing it. I know there have been cases where I thought somebody liked me, I thought the body language was a total go signal but all they wanted was a friendship and sometimes not even that. I can read people so well in certain ways and see right through them yet when it comes to finding a relationship I seem to be totally clueless in how to do it and how to act really. I never know what is too little, what is too much, what do I say? What do I do? Was this move a mistake was it not?

My question is are some of us just meant to be alone? I use to believe in true love and that everybody would have somebody but I'm in my early 30's and have less dating experience than an 18 year old, really even a 16 year old sadly. At this point in time I just want to give up and be alone but I'm miserable like this. I haven't been with a man in well over a year and it's not the sex I miss. It's the kissing, it's the cuddling, its the bonding I miss all of that. I haven't had a date in forever and I miss how it feels to smile with somebody you like to hold there hand, just have a light and meaning full kiss. To develop that slow bonding. Of course it never lasts for me. I in fact sometimes like the potential of a relationship is just dangled in front of me before it's yanked out from under me once again. I know many gay men just want sex but I never did and at this point in my life I don't want that anymore at all. Yet it's so hard for somebody to just bond with me and care for me even though I have for sure loved a couple of people, they just never felt the same back or if they do its for a very short period of time. Maybe certain people are just too "damaged" to be any good to anybody in a relationship and that is my case. Does anybody else feel that way on here? This post seems scatter brained and ranting but it is and I am sorry for that it's just I'm frustrated I'm depressed and I don't know what I can do about this issue. I've recently tried to just box myself in and not meet guys as I'm sick of being hurt but I am so lonely and I miss the company of somebody else. I'm wanting to get back out there but I'm not really finding anybody and even if I do truth be told I'm scared to let anybody in because I know in the unlikely chance somebody likes me. I will be rejected or have a very short thing before they break my heart again.

My head wants to accept that logically I will never have a partner, I will likely die never having love and while that sucks and it depresses me I know it's likely true but my heart just can't accept it. Does anybody else feel the same way on here and if so have you been able to just well some how ignore the feelings? That's what I want to learn how to do, just to live with being alone and move on. To be happy with that to be happy alone because I know I will never have anybody. Once again sorry for the ranting and a million questions but I'm wanting some advice here and wanting to know that maybe there is somebody else that can understand this. Honestly nobody I've ever met in life does. Everybody my age has a boyfriend, a girlfriend, is married etc,,, has a child. They don't understand and they try to tell me I will be fine it will come along in time and honestly I hate when people tell me that. No it won't be fine, you don't understand and I don't feel like anybody gets me and where I come from. I guess maybe I just want to know that somebody else on here understands, I have an aspie friend even and he is quite like me but he has had relationships and while he can understand to a certain extent because he has issues as well. He still just can't understand it from my point in view. As I said I'm the only person I've EVER seen to be old as I am and still not have well basically no kind of relationship and very little dating experience if you can even call what little I've had as anything.

I think I'm spent on this post now and well just feel free to say whatever.

Hello!

I think I can understand your frustration and can relate to you. I didn't find your post unpleasant in any way. I usually don't bother to read a long post like yours, but I did read yours.

I find that irresponsibly optimistic/positive "you'll be all right" comment very frustrating. Basically they say it because they don't see your point/your situation or they don't really care because it's not their problem. So they just say it to dismiss your problem.

I'm pretty much in the same situation as yours, but probably to a little lesser extent. Even as a teenager I knew I was just too "off" (weird/damaged) to live a normal life like other people. So I never really truly expected to be able to have a long-lasting relationship. When you don't have an expectation, you don't get disappointed, if you know what I mean. I didn't know why I was "off", but only recently I realized that it's AS/autism though I haven't got a diagnosis yet.

I'm not good-looking, I'm very nervous/anxious, I'm not social at all, I can't handle jokes, I'm boring and I can't hold a conversation. I am intelligent and very capable of dealing with purely logical problems, but that obviously doesn't help with friendships/romantic relationships. So probably you are not as bad as I am. Not that I mean to underestimate your problem/frustration, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I even struggle to form friendships. But I guess in my case the reason for not being able to have a relationship is rather clear and that's why it's less frustrating. In your case you seem to have all the reasons to be able to have a relationship, but you haven't been able to so far. That, I guess, adds to the frustration.

And I understand the feeling. There are moments when I wish I had a man to share my life. But I certainly feel I am one of those who are just meant to be alone.

I have trouble with the "meant to be" part of the question. That seems to imply that there is an inevitability to being alone.

Some of us want to be alone--and more power to them. But some of us are confined to being alone by circumstances--the place where we live, the place where we work, and the ease (or lack of it) with which we connect with others being the most obvious examples.

If you've taken an affirmative decision to live within those circumstances, that's great, and you need to get your emotions to follow you down that road--to find happiness in the things that you've decided are most important. But if you taken a negative decision to live within those circumstances (I can't move out; I can't learn to drive; It's too hard to change things), then it is going to be much more difficult. This is a place that a counsellor can be very helpful--working with you to find out what's most important and setting priorities.

Being single and unhappy is much better than being taken and unhappy. People get into unsatisfying relationships because of this idea that you're supposed to always be in one or pursuing one, and that's often how people end up in abusive situations.

I'm glad somebody understands it's difficult to explain but in some ways I am very intelligent and functional but in other ways I'm quite deficient. This somewhat goes into my social life. I can bond with friends fairly easy and I'm well liked it just somehow never translate into a dating life. I do feel defeated and I've pulled back a lot from trying to find somebody, I think I even pushed away a potential partner because I just knew somehow it wouldn't work. I think I'm somewhat scared to find somebody as well, perhaps fear of being judged for all my issues and I try to hide them. I let very few people in, even with friends I have somewhat of a wall and things they don't know. I've come to be more open with people but still it's a struggle. I'm quite a complicated person. I'm on Wellbutrin now and it's helped me and lot and caused me to drop some weight which I need. However it doesn't cure everything and at times I still am looking at my life and where it is now.

Well to be honest I do have a plan. I worked in retail but due to some medical issues and personal issues I quit. I however am close to getting a new job that has much better benefits and is a lot more stable with quite a bit more pay. It's not in the bag though and their is still a 50/50 shot of me getting it so I'm trying to not be to optimistic in case the job falls through which it very well might. However if I do get this job I have a plan to move to another part of the country with one of my best friends that I trust more than anybody in the world and to well just start over.

I wish you every success in this!

Thanks me too! I got a call from them today and have I believe is what to be a final interview with them Thursday. My entire plan really depends on this job and I'm ready to go back to work. I think it's why I'm focusing on the being single thing again. I don't really focus on it so much when I'm working and have other things to do.

"meant" implis fate, which i dont believ in. geting past taht, do i think some peple die aloen for oen reason or anothr? sure i do. Ive never been abl to hold a romanticc relatinship for long at all - I haev a son from one relationship, but...thats very complicated. All tht shold be said from taht is it wasnt realy romantic and ther was no marriage thuogh I wishd for one. Seems an exmple of my problem, that I loev people but thy nevre love me back, whethre my male or female partnrs. Im old as dirt so by now Ive lerned to acept that no oen can love me romanticlly for whatevre deficiency I have, whethre to do with my Aspergers or physicl apearance or whatever. It isnt so bad for me - I know how to gt laid easy enugh, sex dosnt equate to anythinng very emotinal to me, while many of my emotional needs aer met by very intiemate family life (cousins and eldres all know each othre well and live clos by and have lot of social functions with whoel family, includin my son). Thuogh it does bothre me alot sometimes taht I have no oen and may die alone, Ive lerned that having a lifelong partner is not the most importnt thing in life - I fulfill myslf enuogh thruogh intelectual pursuits and family activitis and my religion - so it doesnt have to be th be-all,end-all.

Thanks but I didn't get the job and I have been quite depressed about this. My interview went great at least I thought it did but I was emailed the next day with a rejection letter, I took it quite hard and it does set me back in everything. It's ok though I'll pick myself back up and move on like I always do.

I understand where you're coming from. At 18 I can't imagine living with a partner. I have a play friend where we play with fun toys together. As far as a relationship, I don't have one. I feel awkward about trying to start one.

As far as online services, I have tried to find friends. But it doesn't last long. I wish I had a friend here I could talk to like in the private messages. So I understand you there. If you ever want someone to correspond to, feel free to send me a message.

Hi Dan,

Your post convinces me that we are most definitely not "meant to be" alone. Your post rings so true for me, too -- and probably many others! So we're in the same boat.

The gay dating websites offer a lot of convenience, but they have many drawbacks too. The connections you'll find there may seem superficial or distant. Perhaps you'd find more success joining a local community organization that has regular face-to-face meetings. I don't mean that you have to be the next big politician or lobbyist, but even volunteering for something occasional might offer you something new. That said, joining such a group can be nerve-racking, so I would understand hesitation. But the more options you can give yourself -- a couple of different websites, plus a club or two, plus some friends of friends -- will be better for finding those connections. Best wishes.

- Brian

Hey Brian thanks for the words of kindness. I've actually been pretty good lately and I'm still job hunting having another interview Monday and hoping this one pans out. I'm hitting a rough patch tonight and feeling down but I'm ok. Ever just have a moment that triggers you? I was on Skype with a very good friend. He was talking about how social he was and how guys hit on him etc.... I don't think he was bragging we were having a serious discussion but it bothered me. For one I just kept thinking well you are much more attractive than me and he is body type we are very similar but he's far more attractive in the face than I am. I don't think I'm totally ugly really but I do think I'm on the low end of average and I think it's one of the largest reasons why nobody ever shows interest in me. I can be social and put myself out there at times but I just get shut down or at best somebody holds an interest in me but for one date than it's over. Although I do feel awkward at times. I was also just thinking tonight that when I try to flirt I seem to get shut down quite often even aggressively by somebody. Why is it perfectly fine when others flirt and show interest in somebody but when I do it I'm labeled as odd or seem to make the guy disgusted that I'm interested in him that part really bothers me.

Lately I've mostly accepted that this is just my path I'm just destined to be alone so I'm trying to focus on finding a job which I need and getting things more in place. Yes I'm lonely and down and feel like I'm never going to have something deeper in my life but honestly I have other things to focus on and I'm trying to stick to those.

I think what you said in your last paragraph is the right thing to do. Just focusing on the important things such as jobs etc. If you get your priorities wrong, the situation can get very bad.

I understand that it's often said that many gay men are rather attracted to physically attractive types and some are only interested in sex. Whether it's true or not, I still think that your personality/behavior also has a huge impact on how you are perceived by other men. So if you believe you are not attractive and behave rather insecurely based on that idea, then you will look less attractive to other people as well than you actually are. So I believe that the OP's difficulty in finding a partner is more to do with how he presents himself than his face (as the OP himself says). There are many ways you can present yourself differently.

Any way, focusing on the job/career and finding success and happiness is more important. And that may also change other aspects of your life (your life style, your mannerism etc) and that may lead to finding a partner, too.

Funny thing - when I was about 16, I hated myself and I knew I was ugly.
When I hit my twenties, I was much more confident in myself and knew I was actually pretty hot.
Both times, I was right.

A big part of how attractive you are is how you perceive yourself. I looked pretty awful as a teenager because I wore enormous glasses, shaved haphazardly, had a messy splat of hair rather than any style, wore some pretty dreadful clothes and took no care of my appearance. Why bother? I was hideous, right? I also virtually never smiled, took interest in other people or stood up straight.

In my twenties, spurred on by realising I was gay and growing in confidence, I wore better clothes, made an effort with my appearance and wore much more stylish glasses. I smiled at people, made an effort to interact with them. It wasn't easy at first but practice made it easier, and eventually faking it turns to genuine interest (I don't know why, we just have weird brains like that). I also became a complete slut, but that's beside the point.

Being below average in attractiveness, which I seriously doubt is true anyway, doesn't really mean a lot. Technically half the population would fall into that category, and attractiveness doesn't really work that way. We are all attracted to different things. There is definitely a subset of the population that would be interested in you - assuming, that is, that you scrub up and give out the signal that you're interested and available. That's the tough part.

While I accept my sexuality fully the gay community does get on my nerves and sometimes I feel like I don't fit in and honestly that rarely bothers me minus wondering if somehow I'm missing something by not doing so. I don't enjoy hooking up in fact I haven't had sex in over a year and yeah I have desires at times but without emotion and feelings behind it I don't want the sex. My sex drive really isn't that high anyways while it's nice I can take it or leave it. I don't feel like I even have a type really I go a lot by personality. I just want a good guy that cares for me that I can talk with, laugh with, cuddle with, and well I can love and loves me back. I think that's a very simple thing to ask for but sometimes I feel like that small list is even asking too much in the gay world.

I think I've only loved one guy truly and that's my best friend, I seriously pined over him for years but he never saw me as more than a friend. We are very close though and I will admit at times I still have some feelings for him (I think I always will at least a little) and I think I sometimes compare men to the standard of him. However I know how I felt for him is how I want somebody to feel for me. He wasn't a perfect man or the most successful but he has a great heart, these gorgeous eyes, he's very funny and has a great personality and I honestly care for him. I just have some sort of chemical and emotional bond to him but most of that has passed now. Still we do seem to have a special friend ship bond for each other. I'd lay in bed at night sometimes just hugging my pillow so tight thinking how great it felt just to hug him and how I wish I could spend the night with him just to look in those gorgeous blue eyes of his, that cute face, and be cuddled up to him. My thoughts were rarely sexual about him just because that's not my focus it was more romantic thoughts and just wanting to spend time with him and do whatever I could to make him happy. I've accepted nothing will happen but through him I have realized what I want.