NT woman dating an AS man - punctuality (or rather lack of)

Page 1 of 2 [ 20 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

thewhitrbbit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,124

21 May 2013, 10:00 am

1401B's response was entirely inappropriate.

It might be an As issue, it might not be, but it's not ok to be 2 hours late to a date.



BlueMax
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,285

21 May 2013, 10:31 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
Because it's totally ok to show up 2 hours late for a date. :roll:

OP, this is a rude-person thing, not an AS thing.


I agree.... even if his excuse is that he was engrossed in his aspie-obsession special interest, you can still have enough courtesy and discipline to get your butt to work on time or to honour a commitment to a date with someone.

KEEP. YOUR. PROMISES.

Weeping over him not texting enough - that's just silly.
Weeping over sitting alone in the restaurant for a date he was 1-2h late for because working out was more interesting? (Or for any other reason short of emergency...) I'd be upset, too!

This guy better shape up quick of he'll lose you.

Spell it out for him as clearly as possible, as short & concise as possible. (No 18 page letters front & back... short and sweet!) Avoid negative emotion or hostility - just the facts. "Being late for agreed-to meetings hurts my feelings because (???) eg: I feel you place your workouts over time with me. I need you to be on time for dates or I fear I may not be able to continue our relationship."

Something like that, although tuned to your specifics.



Good luck - and thanks for trying instead of just immediately dumping and running like so many do today. :thumleft:



sigga_darling
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 14 May 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

22 May 2013, 7:23 am

Thanks (esp for the Friends quote, it made me laugh!). I've backed off a bit and I've just reminded myself that perhaps it's not fair to expect this relationship to go at the same pace as relationships with (some) NTs would. I have asked him if he wants to stop seeing me and he says he doesn't so I am trying to take that at face value.

We haven't made another date yet but we're texting (he's not big on talking on the phone) on a daily basis at least and we'll take it from there.



girly_aspie
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 15 May 2013
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 222

22 May 2013, 2:36 pm

You're definitely trying hard. Like someone else said, I expected the roles to be reversed. I absolutely hate it when someone is late, I think it's really, really rude. Draw a line in the sand, clearly, no hinting. Maybe you're just better off without him. I completely agree, this is a rudeness/respect issue, not AS. I have AS and I'm almost never late for anything, I know many of us are the same way.


_________________
"Look at you lot, all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing" - Sherlock

AQ: 44
IQ: 167
Aspie Quiz Result: 185/200
NT result: 22/200
BAP: 132 aloof, 108 rigid and 121 pragmatic


smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

22 May 2013, 5:37 pm

sigga_darling wrote:
I've backed off a bit and I've just reminded myself that perhaps it's not fair to expect this relationship to go at the same pace as relationships with (some) NTs would.


Be careful you don't over-compensate. As others (with AS) have said, it is a rudeness issue.

Next time he is 20 minutes late without plenty of notice - leave the restaurant. Send him a short, simple text saying that if he's going to continue to be late, then you're just going to do your own thing instead.

If he doesn't call you when he says he will, or if he doesn't call you at all - don't answer the phone when he does call. If he asks why you didn't answer, say that you waited at 8pm (or whatever time) and then you decided to go out to see your friends, or something similar. It doesn't even have to be exciting, as long as he doesn't know you were waiting by the phone for him to call. Which BTW, I wouldn't recommend anyway. You can always be doing something else while waiting for a call.

Basically make out that you're fine to do your own thing without him if he doesn't shape up. But if he doesn't care, then I think you're just going to experience more heartache. Honestly if I were you - to have someone disrespect me like that in the first place, I wouldn't even bother continuing it. Having someone around who WANTS to spend time with you is the least you deserve.

Having said that, sending lots of texts to each other in a day may make his space feel evaded. I know mine would be. So I would really send texts very sparingly, and honestly, I think he would appreciate you more.