Why do people give others a hard time?
Since I have Aspergers, I suppose it is harder for me to understand a lot of social tendencies, but perhaps someone with more experience can help me understand? Some people are teased a lot and given a hard time at my job, and others are not. I am one of the ones given s**t, and I am unsure why. I play it off like I find what they are saying funny, but I don't give them s**t back, I just act like it doesn't bother me. My personality is one that perhaps might be too open though, and perhaps because of that, they lack respect for me? I have no secrets and admit and am honest about everything, even all of my shortcomings. Maybe this is not a wise thing? Maybe being secretive is better? Is it because I speak without thinking first, and am sometimes introverted and away from the group that they give me s**t? perhaps they fear what they don't understand? Perhaps this verbal jabbing is some subconscious way for them to open me up or to see where my boundaries are? Perhaps they are trying to toughen me up so I can be part of the group of other tough minded people? Or maybe this is how people talk. Maybe people just verbally jab and give others s**t because that's how society has evolved? I just can't figure it out.
CheredIsTyping
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: 28 May 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 195
Location: Texas, USA
It can be. There are a lot of people out there who just like getting others upset. It has become a common practice at my workplace because everyone there is so hyperactive (we hire a LOT of highschoolers) their reactions are so over-the-top that it's just funny. One girl in particular has asked if we annoyed her because she was funny when she was mad and we told her straight up YES.
Now if you just shrink back and are not okay, I don't see the point in provoking you, the point is not to upset, but to 'play'. Like when a coworker complained on me that I was calling her stupid. It ended up being a misunderstanding but for weeks I would be teased by my manager to not call names. It was upsetting but when I expressed that he told me to stop being dramatic. So I changed me. I would observe the kind of reactions that this teasing gets from others and imitate the ones that gets the most positive response- usually at my workplace I pretend to be more narcissistic than in reality. I made NO mistakes, regardless of what you just saw.
Lately I changed that because I got promoted and felt the need to be more honest. My openness at work has made me a target again too, and my workers are complaining on me for things that are just not happening. Luckily I have witnesses and people to protect me, but it seems this is not so at your workplace. If it continues to be a problem, bring it up with the highest level of management, or find a job where this does not happen as often (any job that hires a lot of high school kids or tends to go through employees quickly is going to have this type of atmosphere.)
Went off topic a bit there. Sorry. But yeah mostly it's just for the reaction. Sometimes it's that simple.
CheredIsTyping
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: 28 May 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 195
Location: Texas, USA
Short version: Socialized existence is an unending quest for territory. Freedom to vs. freedom from is negotiated on the molecular level with every interaction.
_________________
ASQ: 45. RAADS-R: 229.
BAP: 132 aloof, 132 rigid, 104 pragmatic.
Aspie score: 173 / 200; NT score: 33 / 200.
EQ: 6.
People challenge your social status. If you don't challenge them back, they get above you in the social hierarchy.
In the animal kingdom having a high social status is important because it means you have more of a right to mate, and with those males/females who also have a high social status. Something similar applies to humans.
Social status is a measure of how good of a survivor you are.
When they challenge/tease you they are trying you out, how far you are willing to go to survive. Being willing to go far is important for being a good survivor.
They are most likely not aware of this, however. It's instinctive. Not saying that would be an excuse. Those teasing others often don't have that high of a social status. Those with high social status don't feel the need to tease someone with lower status than themselves. Teasing others would likely give them a setback hierarchy-wise. High-status individuals would not be interested in wasting their energy on teasing those "below" them.
neilson_wheels
Veteran
Joined: 11 Mar 2013
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,404
Location: London, Capital of the Un-United Kingdom
Why do people give others a hard time?
Because it is a lot easier than the other options:
having an intelligent conversation,
admitting that life is pointless,
that you have no power
or creating anything genuinely funny.
Enjoy life, it's hard to play the game when you don't know the rules.
I'll add a significant comment from my personal experience. I was talked down one time at work from one of my co-workers. I was new at the job at the time and he pointed out a mistake I did. Instead of being polite about it, he demanded I fix it in a very aggressive tone. I rushed to his face and told him to say something now. I called him a as*hole and told him I'd whoop his ass if he ever talked me down again. He backed off without saying a word and told one of the managers. I didn't get in trouble because nobody including the managers like this guy. I gained everybody's respect after that day. Nobody will dare talk me down at work after that incident.
Hold your ground like I did and you may never have to worry about being treated like s**t. I know it's difficult but I believe you can do it because I did it too and I am no better than you. Good luck.
_________________
If nobody will give a s**t about me, then I will give a s**t about me.
I believe anyone who seemingly likes to give others a hard time are definitely lacking something in their own life. I have seen it happen a lot. When it does happen in the job, a grievance should be filed. No one should have to take such crap. I have taken my share of it in the past at my job, and knowing what I know now, I should have taken legal action.
_________________
"My journey has just begun."
This is all quite interesting feedback. So, perhaps it is all simply part of the constant need to moving up in the pecking order. I am always amazed that most people don't seem to analyze themselves...they do't even realize what they are doing, they seem unaware of themselves. If it is about the pecking order, why is it that I have no interest in the pecking order? I do't care about territory and moving up. It cannot be stopped, these verbal conflicts or "teasing" as it is sugar coated as. So then being tougher is the only way to be I suppose right?
Maybe you are just a nicer person than they are.
Can you go to HR with it? This should not be going on at all.
There's this thing called "bonding by exclusion". People find some kind of camaraderie messing with the person that's different and doesn't quite fit in with the group. I know this because I've both been the one singled out and the one part of the group being pressured to join in in the incessant teasing of someone else. It seems like kids are worse in that they bully kids for things they know the target can't help ( looks, innate ability, etc... ). Adults think bullying is justified when they think someone is merely choosing not to conform to their standards. I think it's low empathy NTs who do this. They think they can get you to try harder to fit in by ridiculing you because they have no understanding of AS and think you can change and become one of them if they just mock you enough. Since AS is a hidden difference they somehow think it's justified, especially if you're intelligence threatens them. I think they just want an excuse to bully and are really no different from immature kids who do it. They know they will be looked down on and lose status for ragging on someone for something they literally can't help.
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