Abandoned by Family?

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I know this board says to be 30 and up... but I consider myself an adult- most of the time- and have been married for 3.5-4 years, and I think this is the best place to ask my question... maybe not. If so, feel free to re-direct.

I am curious if anyone else has been turned away from their families because of their diagnosis? Specifically, those that really need help. What do you do?

My situation:

I am now 24.5 years old, and have been married for 3.5-4 years. (Long story short- hubby and I exchanged vows ourselves, which we consider as just as much- if not more sacred, than when we had our wedding and signed the legal papers). Since I got married- or at least since my family knew we planned to, my mother has not liked my hubby at all. She spent most of our "engagement" trying to talk me out of marrying him, and pressing me to answer questions like "did I really love him?" and "why did I love him?"

Ok- side-point. At this point in my life, I was highly functioning, and undiagnosed. I knew I was different from others, but I didn't know why. I did know, however, that while I DID love my husband- and could tell him- I couldn't put into words WHY I loved him. I'd try- but the feelings just wouldn't come into logical sense or any sense at all... Granted, this is just one question. Truth was, my emotional intelligence is/was very low- and I would have had issues explaining why I hated something, or why I was happy, or if I was happy, because of an event.

But I knew hubby was right for me, so I didn't let her antagonism get to me- too much. I did get a bit frusterated/upset at her. Especially after my uncle threatened to beat up my now-husband in this time. I was the oldest, and only one dating, in my family- and I have since learned that my uncle will threaten anyone that dates me or my sister- some kind of creepy-protectiveness I guess? Though, I have to say that my uncle I'm talking about is always drunk, and not at all "loving" or "protective" or really involved in our lives except for to threaten those that date us... so it's disconcerting in the least. I still don't feel right when he's around from this occasion though. Anyways...

We've been married for 4 years now, 3.5 legally, and times have been rough. I was working full time when I got married, and continued working full time for 2.5 years after that... until I couldn't do it anymore. It was a tough job keeping my job that long, but at that point I couldn't do it at all. I had gotten my diagnosis in May 2011, Asperger's Syndrome and Anxiety NOS. (For reasons of orienting yourself in this jambled-time line- our vow exchange and wedding were in May/December 2009.) I had to go on short term disability in September 2011, and was forced to quit my job in December 2011.

This was not an easy decision, as I felt like I was failing life- my job wasn't even all that demanding really- just an office job. But, it was mandated by the state of my mental health. Hubby had a job, but it was taken away from us in Feb 2012, and he's had to work part-time since then- though he has remained employed.

Anyways- my family does not believe my (now THREE) diagnoses. They explain away the symptoms, and call me a "lazy freeloader" that "takes advantage" of everyone." We lost our apartment last year in June when Part time just didn't cut it anymore, and no one would take me in- except my grandma- and life with her is almost as bad as work was mentally. She doesn't understand my diagnosis, or executive dysfunctioning which I know I have- though not formally diagnosed. She gives us a home- temporarily, but it's not the kind of environment where I can really recover.

Yet another side-note. Hubby's dad passed away this year- they were not close. His mom lives with her sister, and though hubby says his mom understands my mental issues, and would take us in if she could (I am starting to doubt this though), her sister absolutely does not understand, nor will she allow us to stay with them.

Anyways- so my family has more-or-less abandoned me. I have no other options, and when I say that grandma doesn't treat me like an adult, I'm told "if you don't like it, move out" despite the fact that many outsiders are baffled by my grandmother's treatment of us. Many have told me to get out of here for my own good... but non have offered a way out, and we just don't have any options.

To make it worse, my mother says "well, if you weren't married you'd be at home still. But you're married so it's his job to provide for you. If you two couldn't provide for yourselves, you shouldn't have gotten married".

My issue with this reasoning is that we WERE able to provide for ourselves when we got married. I didn't know that I was autisitc and a ticking-time bomb until I couldn't function in society today. I can't do anything about my circumstances, and I feel like family should be there for me- and be supportive. But we're turned away, while my younger, neurotypical, sister has everything handed to her. She's not married- but my parents are seriously paying for her birth control- she works, and has money. There's no reason at 21 that she's being provided for like this- when I desperately need help, and am turned away.

And, yes, I have applied for disability in hopes that the government could help where family refuses... but I was denied and am now on round two. The ALJ judge denied my appeal on the premise that my testimony was not creditable. He decided this because I "lied" to someone about my past work history. He says I reported that I "Worked for CitiCards for accounts past due" and also that I "told someone else that I worked in a legal firm." the TRUTH is I DID work FOR CitiCards, processing, signing, and sending out afffidavits for accounts past due FOR lawyers to be able to sue for the money. I lied nowhere... and yet now my credibility is under question, and it will be another year or so until I'm approved for disability (or more) as I don't have insurance to get new records, and I'm most certainly going to have to do the whole appeal-thing all over again.

I'm desperately in need of help, and although diagnosed in May 2011 with a GAF score of 65, I am positive that I'm in the lower-50's/mid-40's now. Is there anything I can do? Has anyone else been here? What do you do when family turns you away, or alternatively, when the "help" you are getting is making things worse?

This is a very long post with multiple concerns. Could you try to lay them out it point form:

IE. A), B), C) ??

I didn't learn I was an Aspie until I was 35, and then only after my youngest daughter was diagnosed with Autism. I've had 7 years to come to terms with it and I still can't fully wrap my head around it.

I've been married for 17 years and being committed is hard, with lots of twists and unexpected things happening. I'd like to give suggestions, could you be more specific with you concerns?

I'll try.... I'm not doing so good functionally right now- which probably doesn't help...

1- Is there anything I can do to get the help I need when family won't do a thing, and government won't either. (I think that's the biggee.)

2- What do you do (advise) when your family abandons you, and you need them, but want to just leave them behind?

Honestly... I just need help, and I can't figure out exactly how to word what I need.. :-p

I sympathise for your situation, it's a tough world and you seem to be stuck in a rut.

I do not know the system in your country, but I feel that when you have been previously employed then going on to disability support will be hard. It does sound like this is your main aim at the moment. There should be more to life than this, can you aim for a change in work that would fit you better.

It is a shame that you feel autism to make you a 'ticking time bomb', this is a negative perception of yourself. If you feel this way about yourself then others will too.

I do not think your family's opinion is going to change so you need to find your own solution instead of waiting for them to offer one. If that means leaving them behind then you may need to make that choice before much will change.

As you age your family may become less supportive and more distant. Close friends and relatives can and do die, others move away, and sources of income and outside support dry up- this is normal.

I think the trick is to 'make the best of what you have'. I know people who are multi-millionaires; they seem no more or less happy than I am. For all their wealth, they are constantly having to work long hours to maintain difficult businesses, headaches, unexpected losses, taxes, ect. Even in their private lives they have more to worry about; large houses to be cleaned and maintained, cars and boats to be maintained. Most wealthy people I know are obsessed with social standing and status.

My wife and I don't usually have two spare nickles to rub together, but at the same time we don't have the worries that wealthy people have. We don't have a large house, multiple cars and boats to maintain, or any social image of status to be inhanced.

1) Accept what you have and lower your expectations for the future- would be my first suggestion.

Most of my & my wife's extended family have moved away in search of better job prospects. (And they didn't all go to the same place so we can't easily follow). We both have feelings of abandonment because they left us and the old people behind, its not a good feeling.

2) This may be difficult, but you and your husband may have to relocate yourselves to find better opportunities elsewhere. When I was young my grandfather told me 'Go whereever the boom is happening and you'll do fine'. He was right.

While most of the US is in depression right now, some places are actually booming. North Dakota for instance is having a huge economic boom due to a shale oil bonanza- moving there, although difficult, might solve some of your financial problems.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MukcZYpD3M

Good luck!

Neilson: The ticking time bomb reference was looking, after the fact, at the results of what happened after I was married. The new diagnostic criteria has something in there about "A person with autism may be able to survive in normal society until such a time as circumstance overcomes ability". In this case, at the young age of 21, I was a ticking time-bombdespite knowing it. Work, and some f the everyday stress of being an adult broke me, which got me where I am today.

That being said, without proper assistance, i still am a ticking time bomb. It's a matter of time- espcially with living with grandma- until I just can't do it anymore. But this time, in a way, is worse, because there's no real option to "quit" or get rid of. Whenver- if- the break happens- I just have to live through it... and I'm not looking forward to that.

As for work- I'd love to work. I HATE asking for help- from my parents, or the government- but that's my only hope at the moment. And it sucks that when I really desperately need it, the help isn't there. Anyways... I left this out of my clustered timeline, as I wasn't sure where it fit in:

After resigning from work in Dec 2011, I did start to show some improvement functionally, by April of 2012. I began trying to figure out what I could do for work- and wasn't able to come up with much. But I did find two jobs that I THINK with my residual functioning I can do- but they are currently "blocked" to me by lack of qualifications. I decided that I COULD be either a museum/scientific/medical librarian... OR a museum archivist. - Both of which require a Master's degree in Library Science. So... in May 2012 I re-enrolle in online courses to finish my bacehlor's degree, and plan to go on to my Master's in 2015 when I graduate. This is, as you can imagine, going to take some time however. Time which I really need to be focused on my studies, and also recovering from my "break" in 2011. Something I cannot do while living with my grandmother.

Repent: One of my main problems is the one family member who was very supportive and helpful passed away durring my short term disability leave. She was my paternal grandmother, whom I called Ninny. I miss her dearly... moreso when I feel hopeless- cause I know she would be helping me now. But she's not here...

The problem with making the best of what you have- is that I really can't. I decribed things my parents (mainly mom) has told me above. My relationship with her is rocky- but I would MUCH rather live with her than with her mom. I think my mom has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, but she does (to some extent) believe in basic human rights as an adult- something my grandma has no concept of. It's the combination of everything that has me so crazy.

That being said, your advise about moving is being taken to heart. Before my husband was involved in a broad-side collision (not at fault) on May 18th, our plan was to get him a full-time 2nd job- at any place possible, and start saving up to move out-of-state by the end of the year. Well.. having our car totaled put the whole "get a job" thing on the back-burner... we're finally "back to life" with him working now- but had to go a month without pay and are terribly (moreso than before) behind. Our plan was/is to move to either Whyoming (where I do at least have an internet friend) or North Dakota. I also have a friend in Washington and she says to come out there too. I don't know the employment climate in Washington, but if it's anything like North Dakot or Whyoming, it's a possibility. We need to be deciding though as time is really ticking where I'm at.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.

It's good to know you have a long term plan. Good luck for your future, I'm afraid all I can offer is moral support. This will be a tough time but it will be worth the effort.

More power to you, best wishes. NW.

Neilson: Thanks. At the very least, posting here has been good for the mind. I tend to get judged by neutrotypicals and aspies alike, and it's very disheartening.

That being said, there might be a way out. Hubby and I are looking into moving to North Dakota, and trying to make it in the Northwest. We think this is the best thing to do for us... just waiting to see if all the 'cards line up' as it were.

Are you heading for the oil fields or do you have something else lined up?

Well, with any luck there's an NPC owned Pizza Hut my hubby can transfer to for one job... other than that, the plan is to have him apply for jobs in Williston, but more than likely snatch up one of the other decent-paying but recently-abandoned-for-the-oilfields jobs. I'll continue my schooling, and hopefully be able to recover some (hopefully most) of my functioning back.

If all works out, we'll be leaving at the end of this month. So it's very anticipatory around here.

Good luck, best wishes, NW.

I have been there with a family who didn't accept my diagnosis. When I was a child, my mother actively prevented my diagnosis - when the school said there was a problem and recommended testing, she'd take me out of that school and put me in another and yell at me to 'act normal' this time. I went to five schools without ever moving once.

As an adult, my husband and I had to move in with my parents. My mother was very controlling and did that whole thing you are talking about "If you don't like it, get out!" She told us we would be starving and on the street if it wasn't for her.

I wasn't diagnosed properly until age 40, and she refused to accept it. We wound up moving out and cutting ties with her and several other toxic family members.

I have never been happier since doing that. Yes it can be hard - but if your family is not supporting you and causing you more pain than they are helping - just remember that it is an option to not have them in your life.

OurlostProphet: Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so sorry you had/have to go through that... but it's also good to know I'm not the only one in such a tough situation.

While my mother didn't actively prevent my diagnosis- she didn't give me a chance to be diagnosed either. I grew up without going to the doctors for anything- except for I think I did go when I had Thrush or something like that. I was taught that doctors never actually help you, and are overpriced. And, yes, we had health insurance. Anyways... I was just told I was a "difficult child" and all the symptoms are/were explained away.

I'm at a point in my life where I really do need the emotional, and yes, financial support of my family, but thats' just not possible. So I am thinking this move to North Dakota is our only real chance. While my parents can come visit me, as they have flying privileges, I'm sure moving to North Dakota will pretty much cut most ties with them. I'd say we could keep in touch on Skype-- but lately mom doesn't answer my Skype calls and I don't know if I just have bad timing, or if she's just sick of me. :-/ So... I guess leaving them behind is my only option. I just wish it wasn't. I don't know what will happen to us if North Dakota doesn't work out. PLEASE let North Dakota work out.... surely all those help wanted signs can't turn us away too....

I left home at 16, there was no point in hanging around.

I'm glad that you have your husband with you, you will be great for mutual support. In regards to your family, there is a fair chance that absence will make hearts grow fonder for you. Sometimes a little bit of distance allows you to see things in a whole new light.

Do as much research as possible, take as much money as you can scrap together, conserve your resources until you get work and try to make wise decisions.

Good luck again, don't lose sight of the museum curator career, that sounds cool.

Neilson: While I never thought about working as a museum librarian or archievist before my diagnosis- it is now quite a dream-job. There's still a long ways to go through it... even if I finish my Master's, I have to be able to get into a grad school that is ALA-approved... and Finish my Master's too. Before that there's the GRE.. which I don't have a clue how I'm going to afford that. I was supposed to do it early 2014, but I don't know how I'm to do that if we're still figuring out North Dakota living then.

I'm so scared of getting out there, and having a place for a while but then hubby loses a job or something and there's no where to turn. I know it sounds silly, but I don't think I can "take" being homeless. And I'll have my kitty cat. Of course, Kitty is one of the more appealing aspects of leaving here... I'm just... terrified. I don't have good luck... like, ever.... so to take such a large leap of faith... It's just crazy.

We are saving what we can, but as hubby delivrs Pizzas for work, there's still a bit of money going to gas now.