My awful song Lyrics.

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I thought I'd try my hand at writing some lyrics, even though they probably suck, does anyone think I have any talent here? <Work in progress>


Let me see some hands,
Everybody take a stand,
We're all alone as one,
Nobody has truly won.

We're divided,
Our fates decided,
But we fight together as one,
Until we've finally won,
And voice our demands,
Nobody truly understands.

We stand united,
We fight against what's decided,
We have no fear,
And forget yesteryear.

The truth will hurt,
And we are burned,
But last we have the ability to withstand,
And fight against their demands.

Will someone reply!?

I have trouble singing those lyrics... you must consider that part.
I did an edit to make it more natural to sing.
I see the second one as looking more like a chorus...

Let me see some hands,
Everybody take a stand,
We are alone as one,
Nobody has truly won.

We're divided,
Our fates decided,
But fight together as one,
Until we've won,
Voice our demands,
Nobody truly understands.

We stand united,
Fight what's decided,
We don't have any fear,
And forget yesteryear.

The truth will hurt,
And we are burned,
But we may withstand,
And fight their demands.

-------------- So then I did some more work on it -----



Let me see some hands,
Everybody take a stand,
We're alone,
Alone as one,
Nobody has truly won.

We're divided,
Our fates decided,
But fight together as one,
Until we've won,
Voice our demands,
No one truly understands.

We stand united,
Fight what's decided,
We don't have any fear,
We may withstand,'
Fight their demands,
And forget yesteryear,

The truth will hurt,
And we'll be burned,
We don't have any fear
We may withstand,
Fight their demands,
And forget yesteryear,

The whole point is to be able to sing it in some way, if they are to serve as lyrics.
Repetition is not a bad thing. Figure out which of them to change to serve as a chorus.
I know I have written many songs.
The words have a rhythm to it. Sometimes if you just want to sing over a pattern you can get away with more.

My only comment is that the lyrics themselves don't really say anything at all they're all vague, nondescript, and generic. What are you fighting...higher electricity bills? Corporate injustice? Modern-day slavery?

Now as for the actual structure I think it sounds perfectly fine, I'd just suggest trying to beef it up with more tangible content.

I think I know what they mean but some argue in favour of lyrics that can mean different things to different people. At any rate my own comment had to do with fitting the words into phrases that can be used in a song. It's lots of fun but what you need is some kind of vision. What is it you want to say? If you have things to say then by all means write them and alter then until they can become a song.