Help! Child with autism violent,new NICU baby home

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lovesherstepson
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17 Jul 2013, 11:04 pm

I HATE writing this post. I love my stepson to pieces. He is 9 years old and has autism.

He has always been the most tender of hearts (and still is, inside!) but puberty hit him about three months ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, and he began the typical unmentionables associated with this period. We noticed his behavior slowly begin to change, then seemingly slide off a cliff.

He at first had behavior issues that were able to be dealt with with some humor, then they turned dark. He is now *singularly* violent, attacking a 2 year old girl in the park when he was with his mother, on the cusp of getting kicked out of school for attacking and physically injuring his classmates, and this amazing child that we love so much, when coming for visitation at our house, injured his 84 year old grandfather who has been on chemotherapy for cancer and lunged at and swatted our newborn (5 days out of intensive care) almost out of my hands. The baby was screaming bloody murder, but thankfully was not hurt. My stepson has changed his personality and is a shell of the child we once knew.

I have a background in special education. My husband has been a professional educational advocate for years. I have a son with autism who went down this road until he was simply too big and too aggressive to ensure his safety. He is doing amazingly well in an autism-centered living facility, after 13 years of trying everything I knew how to do to keep it from happening.

Neither of us have seen this level of violence and the delight that accompanies it. It is compulsive and without end. Redirection is flatly refused and laughed at. Time outs are absolutely ineffective. He won't stay. He had needed to be physically restrained repeatedly over and over because he will throw objects at people's heads, lunge, chase, and do anything he can to do to get to them to hurt them.

It breaks my heart completely. My husband and I contacted his neurologist, our new child's pediatrician, his social worker and have been told of day-school options, residential options, and a particular ER which will have the resources necessary to get him immediate help. We have given all of this information to the mother as we received it. She has largely been uncommunicative, but sent a curt email, as soon as we brought him home from visitation, telling us to either take him half of the time to give her a break as she is at the end of her rope or she will sue for babysitter fees at $20 an hour.

It was so incredibly dangerous, the things that happened at our home. Our pediatrician said in no uncertain terms that he was not allowed to return to the same home as the baby because of the risk, until the problem has been addressed.

I LOVE my stepson. We are all beside ourselves. I am also terrified for the safety of our baby.

The mother is denying visitation with my other stepson because we cannot take them both home this week. She said horrible things to my husband, which hurt his feelings tremendously. I've been there! I know she needs a break, I know, more importantly, that my stepson needs to go to the ER. NOW. He needs immediate resources and help, help MUCH more than parents giving each other a break is going to achieve.

Has anyone else been here? Advice, suggestions and general thoughts are much appreciated. Thank you for your time.



DW_a_mom
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17 Jul 2013, 11:26 pm

I haven't been there, but I've seen posts from people who have.

One thing I'd like to share, that may or may not have any relevance, is that in my experience with my son what looks to be joy at performing the violence, is actually more manic, coming from feeling completely out of control of oneself. That is how my high functioning son once described it (he no longer has those periods). For him, violence (scary but not, it sounds like, as scary as what you are seeing) was a form of meltdown, an aggressive reaction to overload and stress, and he had no control over himself. We had to spot the buildup BEFORE things got violent to have any chance at stopping it.

Your stepson is in a stressful situation. His parents are divorced, his mother doesn't want him around, and there is a new baby in the home taking up a lot of attention, making noise, and being smelly. My son had a very difficult time after one grandfather passed away, the other had a stroke, and then my daughter was born, all on top of being in a preschool that was stressful for him. We saw violent behaviors that were entirely new for him. But they were reactive. He needed to find a better and more appropriate outlet. I realize my son was a lot younger than yours is, but you have to at least consider that a similar trigger may be involved. Have you talked to him about the changes in his life, asked how he feels about his grandfather's illness, the divorce, the new baby? He may have thought he was coping, and he may have wanted to cope, but he may also have finally encountered the straw that broke the camel's back.

I realize you don't have many good options because of the new baby, but I have not heard of the ER being very productive for ASD kids. A controlled and comfortable environment with predictable routines, etc. usually does much better. Would it be possible for you, your husband and the baby to temporarily split up into different living areas, so that the boy and the baby are out of each other's reach, and one parent can focus exclusively on the boy, finding his triggers, talking to him about his needs, etc?

Also, this is the kind of time families consider medication. I don't know if you've gone that route already (if you have, you also have to consider that the medication could be the trigger), but if you've been reluctant to, its time to compare this choice to the alternatives, and realize it isn't a bad one.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


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18 Jul 2013, 2:25 am

I'm so sorry. Terrifying. I have to really second splitting up the house and trying medications. When my son comes off his medications, it is really really really bad. Violence, anger, no sweetness to him at all. Terrifying. He was on risperdal for 6 years and it was lifesaving. We tried phasing him off twice, 2 years apart, and no dice. Recently he developed extreme side effects and was switched to haldol. I was really scared as that is a bigtime old fashioned anti psychotic. I didn't really even believe the psychiatrist should be prescribing it. But I read and read and read, pub med stuff mostly but also blogs and chat boards and anything else I could find, and come to find out, both the old style and the atypical anti psychotics are used very often in autistic kids to help control the violence and the anger and even just the extreme and constant irritability. On the haldol my son is doing AMAZING. No violence, no extreme anger, and only an episode per week or two of really mean rudeness. I am now able to deal with his other issues such as his sensory stuff and his annoying goofy stuff and his attention stuff, whereas before it was all about getting thru the day without things being thrown or kicked in anger or him shoving us or previously even hitting us and without my ears bleeding from the constant angry screaming. Big change. In your case I can't imagine how difficult it will be if his mom doesn't get on board. I'm wishing you the best of luck. You absolutely need to do whatever can be done to guarantee he won't hurt anybody, for the obvious reasons but also for him - if he has the ability to recognize and understand later what he's done, that can be pretty crushing. My son has hurt me pretty bad and not cared in the moment, but later when he calms down, he's gotten very upset and even has said several times that he should kill himself because of it. The right meds keep us mostly always above that threshold.



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18 Jul 2013, 2:58 am

DW_a_Mom, I have never seen it described that way, but when my son was violent and he looked gleeful about it that is exactly what it looked like: A manic kind of meltdown. It has always been under extreme stress, and that is how I would describe it. It was not true joy or pleasure, but an out of control thing. Our son has not hit puberty, so I can't speak to the OP's issue with puberty, but yes, it could be stress, especially with all the other changes going on.

I am not remotely qualified to talk about the more urgent aspects of what is going on, or about the bio-mom's notions of babysitting fees. I doubt that is applicable as I presume if there is unequal time spent, your husband is paying child-support which I guess could be looked at in part as babysitting fees, but that is odd, to me.

Is there anyone else (aunts, uncles etc) on either side, who can handle him as a respite thing where he would look at it is a relaxing break. I agree that his stress level needs to come down, whether through environment changes or meds, if appropriate. (I am not generally gung ho with meds, but sometimes it is the appropriate tool.)

I would also be wary of using the ER for this purpose unless you have no other choice. I would definitely keep him separate from the baby under all circumstances, at this point, It is in his interest as well, as the baby is a stress trigger for him.



Ettina
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18 Jul 2013, 11:50 am

From what I can gather, he's living with his mom and having visitation with you two?

If I'm right, would it be possible to arrange so he spends time with his Dad but you and the baby are somewhere else? Maybe either you or your husband could stay with a friend during visitation. That way he still gets time with his Dad but isn't putting the baby in danger.



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18 Jul 2013, 6:27 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
His parents are divorced, his mother doesn't want him around, and there is a new baby in the home taking up a lot of attention, making noise, and being smelly.


I agree. He's only 9 - are you sure it's puberty? Sounds like he just has a lot on his plate and is feeling overwhelmed. The manic/glee comment was an interesting one. I'm not sure if I really understand what that looks like - is it when the child is acting out but laughing at the same time? I kind of wonder if that's what my son goes through these days.. kind of looks like he's been a teen and mocking me ..?

In terms of aggression, and I hate to bring it up again, what helped my son was when we put him on the GAPS diet. He used to have meltdowns and fits daily for weeks at a time and when we started GAPS, he really made a huge turn around. He's regressed now (1.5 yrs later) and I think it's because of hormones and the new changes in HIS life (he just graduated from elementary school). I'm hoping it's not hormones though.. I hope it's JUST that he's having a hard time with the new changes, that way we will see that light very soon LOL



ck2d
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18 Jul 2013, 10:31 pm

He needs therapy, not medication. Start having it documented by outside sources. If there is a mental health crisis line, call it when he tantrums. They won't persecute him, but if you have an outside record of his pattern (because, of course, no one believes the parents) then you can use it to apply for therapy.

Check with state insurance, which covers tons more therapies. In our state they have insurance you can buy for fairly cheap, $50-$100 a month, regardless of income. My son gets 16 hours of one-on-one therapy a week. plus he goes to an outpatient school where he gets even more direct therapy. It's made a huge difference.



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02 Aug 2013, 1:25 am

Hi. The baby, and you as the caregiver, must come first. Either you or your husband needs to leave the home and have the stepson physically separated at all times from the baby. You're asking for trouble otherwise, I think.

Do what you must do to keep the baby safe. Your stepson may be upset or even traumatised, but he'll be alive. That's a much less certain thing with a baby just out of a NICU. Good luck -