Why doesn't my boyfriend love me? Or wait.. HE DOES LOVE ME!

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Hi All,

These past 24hrs has been a whirlwind. I can't even explain how I feel right now. It's relief, happiness, pure joy. I went from considering breaking up with my boyfriend, to loving him more than ever... all in a day. I am going to start at the beginning.

Sorry this is so long, if you'd like you can skip to down to where I started noticing odd things. That paragraph is maked with ****

I'm 26, NT, male and gay. My boyfriend is 25. We started dating about a year and a half ago. He is the most beautiful guy I have ever met. He is an incredible artist. I remeber looking at his artwork and thinking, how on earth is he so f*****g good. My artistic ablilites begin at stick men, and end at technical engineering drafting with a t square. He dropped out of highschool at 16. He is extremely sweet and loyal. He has been diagnosed with ADD and takes adderall from time to time for it. He worked in a hair salon when we were first together, as well as at a nightclub(Which he quit immediately after he knew we were together steady. In fact his best friend dragged him to that job so he would be social and meet people. He always hated it.) I invited him for a weekend getaway after a couple month or two of dates. He agreed. I must admit I was in a bit of a player phase at that time and expected to get in his pants. He is literally the most beautiful guy I know, and I fully intended to play him like a fiddle. When it finally came down to it he reused even when we were naked and all excited... He told me he only f***s guys that he dates. I was stunned... angry even. This had never happened to me before. Why would you agree to come on a weekend getaway, to a five star hotel in the mountians, in my new bmw which I half bought to impress you, make out with me, get naked, then tell me no!?!? I relized that this guy has a ridged and inflexable moral code. He would make a good boyfiriend. I hid my anger and disappointment, and after thinking about realized how selfish I was being. I swallowed my pride and told him I understood. We had been going on dates for a while and later that weekend we did make it official.

His diet consits of pizza, poutine/fries, and chiken fingers on a day to day basis. (He recently began eating pho and green onion cakes on occassion too). He will eat mashed potatoes, baked potatoes and steak, and maybe ribs when his mom makes it. On our third date I took him to the most expensive and highest rated restaurant in town. He enjoyed his meal, but I was blown away that he had never tried beets, or many of the vegatables that came with his entree in his entire life before. He says most vegitables are slimey and he just never tried them. I thought this was odd, but I've dated picky eaters before so not overly strange. The first time I came to his house he was going to make frozen pizza and commented that his pizza is always burnt on the crust. I asked him "how long do you pre-heat the oven for?" He responded "What's preheating?" WHAAT!!??? He's 25 and doesn't know that you are supposed to preheat an oven?! I thought it was silly but didn't think much more of it. We laughed very hard about that... now he is religious about pre-heating the oven and the pizzas are perfect.

When we started dating I had my own place and came to visit me twice. After those times he invited me to his place. He lives with his parents and is incredibly introverted. There is nothing he loves more than playing video games in the basement. I remember walking down those stairs and seeing the lair. Three 50" flat screens, two 27" monitors, four computers the size of a large rolling suitcase, and every console known to mankind. Wow I thought, hge must really love video games. His cousin was over (one of his best friends) and brother also were down there playing videogames all the time. I am moderatly social. I like going out and meeting people, I go to the gym to lift nearly everyday. I soon learnt that he was very different.

****I started seeing things in him that I found strange. He listens to books. Never reads them, always audio books. He has this routine, where he goes into the bathroom to get ready, for two hours at a time! What the hell do you do in the bathroom for two hours while listening to audio books?!? Even if I try to ask him a question through the door, he would not answer, or he would freak out. I thought this was strange. When I would look at him in the eyes he looked away. In fact he wold get upset when I looked into his eyes, especially with any type of intensity, He didn't like going out at all, especially to unfamiliar socail settings, but seemed really comfortable with his cousins and going to a movie with them. When I would call him he would never say I love you. I would always be the one to say it. I eventually told him that it upset me that he never says it, now he always says it at the end of conversations. He didn't seem to want me. I would come to his place after being at work up north for a week, he would be playing video games and would just say hi. He wouldn't get up, give me a hug, a kiss. He would play video games all day and forget to call, forget I even existed (or so I thought). I didn't feel wanted. I am fairly active in trying to please my partners while in a commited relationship. I sent him flowers regularly, would suprise him with gifts, take him out for dinner, take him on trips skiing, and even to Europe. I was passionate, I wold hug him and hold him, and tell him how much I card about him. After a while I began asking myself what is he giving back to me. I didn't have an answer. He was sweet, and loyal. I know he would never even consider cheating on me. But where was his passion for me? He never would show me or even tell me how much I mean to him. I shower him with compliments, tell him how beautiful he is, how sweet he is to me, how much I love him..,. why won't he give that back. When we kiss it's always a peck. No passionate kiss, just a peck. The only time his mouth will part is when we are actually f*****g.

There were oter oddities too. He loves definition, pronunciation, and proper usage. He takes great pride in knowing and memorizing the definition of words that I didn't know existed. He is obsessive about correcting you when you have used a word in the wrong context.

Eventually I snapped, I sat him down and had a discussion telling him me needs weren;t being met. Telling him that he never showed me that he loved me. I asked him how he showed it to me. He didn't have an answer. He just cried, woldn't even look at me or talk. How can we move forward if he wont even talk or look at me? After a while he told me "just tell me what you want and I'll do it"... But that drove me nuts... I wanted HIM TO SHOW IT TO ME! Why wouldn't he show his love. It shgould be from his heart! Not from me telling him what to do. After a while I told him, hugs, kisses, suprises like little gifts. He is a tattoo artist now and worked near a specialty grocery store. He bought me olives (which he knows I love) a few days in a row before I couldn't help but laugh internally and told him.... I don't need olives everyday! I couldn't put it all together. I didn't understand why he didn't "get it".

Yesterday one of our mutual friends was spending time with my boyfriend. This mutual friend is someone I confide in and share my troubles with. He studied psycology and is highly insightful... and his roommate has AS (which I had no idea until yesterday). I was feeling upset about my bf ignoring me for his video games and lack of passion. I told this mutual friend about these feelings. I've talked to this mutual friend about my troubles with my boyfriend many many times before. This time our mutual friend essentially said
"my roommate and I think you shold look at something". And sent me a link to "10 Symptoms of Asperger's - ActiveBeat.co‎"

This mutual friend told me "I think he does love you, he's just on a different level."

I was stunned. Perplexed, My boyfriend meets nearly all of these criteria, and has an existing diagnosis of ADD, He even went to couseling as a child because he didn't look at people. Suddenly everything made sense. I strongly believe he has AS.

I love my boyfriend now more than ever. Not because he has AS, in fact I don't even know that for sure. If he does, if he doesn't, it doens't matter. I take comfort in reading about AS because even if he doesn't have it I have learnt that not everyone thinks the same. Can I accept that he might not show love the same? Yes, wether it be that he does or does not have AS. I've been more direct when talking to him, and telling him my needs, his responses are amazing. All I had to do was tell him what I need! I couldn't just tell him "I want more passion, I want more love"... I needed to really tell him "this is what I want _________".

I'm crying as I write this because I'm so happy. I understand him more than ever. Thank you.

Hi. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones. People often go through years of not knowing why their spouses behaved so differently than everyone else. Their quirks drove them nuts and they never knew why. At least now you know, or strongly suspect, Asperger's. Asperger's stays with you your whole life because you're born with it. Some symptoms may lessen as you age, but if you scratch the surface, you'll see them. Good luck with your boyfriend. It seems that, with your new knowledge, there will be more understanding.

Well to start off, im straight... did you say bmw? Im bi then... lolz, joking.

Yeah yeah, sounds like aspies to me. Even if its not, he's got enough of the symptoms. As for love, i find it fun to find ingenious ways to express it, though i rarely do it regularly. And eye contact is always painful. Lolz @ frozen pizza. He musty really hate reading to skip the box, lolz. And yes, we are the world's leading exporters of grammer Nazi's.

I have a new theory to all this stuff. Us aspies are bad at making displays of affection/love because we're burnout from just doing everyday love/affection.

And watch out for that moral code. It might be made of titanium. If he says he ain't cheatin' he likely won't. You probably found a good aspie. Apparently he's the type that needs an emotional connection with his partner. That's a good sign. As for breaking him of routine? Why would he change what he's doing, he got dude he loves while using said routine... i know it's circumstantial evidence, but best not to mess with a good thing.
I say keep routine. Lolz.

Anyway, good luck. And try to respect alone-time. If he's out of love, and you insist he give you some, he'll probably get twitchy. If you're out you're out. *shrug*
It's not an indicator of the relationship. *shrug*
Lolz olives. Stop torturing your aspie and sending him into a panic.

I memorize stuff my partner likes to avoid the above problem, and then i 'spontaneously' buy them those things. Its all very artificial though. Im sure this dude loves you as much as someone who does do those things.
He doesn't see the connect between olives and loving you, or he'd buy stuff other than olives. He just wants it to work. He IS thinking about you... hmmm... how to say it: Its perception. Grandiose shows of affection are often just considered to be flashy nonsense by aspies.

Welcome to this place *waves hand at forum*. It's mostly just a translation problem. Plus yeah, we different, dawg

I just wanted to chime in and say that you sound like a wonderful boyfriend too and you are both lucky to have each other.

Thanks for your fast replies everyone. It's really comforting to know that I have options now. I have a huge well of knowledge to draw from and I know that it's going to be a long and happy relationship. I talked to him about it and sent him the link. He said "I was initially insulted you think I'm Autistic, but what that was is basically an exact description of me."

He always tells me I spend too much money, and I have toned that down a bit too haha. He seems just to like to hang out with me, talk, and play video games. I'm no stranger to video games. I used to play often, and have in the past six months been getting back into it. He's really happy about that.

I know he is who he is.... I was trying so hard to get something from him that just wasn't his way of doing it... I see that now. I feel guilty for "torturing" him so much. I know I can't change when I would look at him in the eyes and and he would freak out and I would get upset. I didn't understand. but I do now.

I think that's great your so accommodating. A lot of times it's misunderstanding then "nuke it from orbit."

I def think he is an aspie, but now you know. I'm thinking the book thing though may be the ADD. It may be hard for him to focus on the pages; he may respond better to auditory stimuli.

BTW, don't hate on the morals. The same morals that gave you blue balls will prob make him a loyal partner.

TV likes to cart out severely disabled savants. Autism is a little different than aspergers. Well... it's the same thing, but on a sliding scale.

It makes more sense to call it a genetic variation. That's where the newest, most exciting research is. And you're not torturing him, i was being melodramatic, but its important to realize that if he's having some trouble meeting your emotional needs, its because of a breakdown in communication. Since you're not the same as him.

I just question who the normal one is. Maybe its not his fault for being aspie, but your fault for being normal. The moral: You're just different.

If you love each as stated, then if makes way more sense to just assume its communication. Its possible he actually is communicating his love. Aspie perspective is hard to understand. As for kissing, i guess its the same as eye contact. Also, about ?half? of us have super-sensory problems. Everything is amplified. I think sexual contact helps dull it out.
*wags a finger* Be careful of 'accepting' him. The word 'like' is better. Accepting implies you'll just put up with him.
Aspies are actually very emotionally vulnerable. It seems counterintuitive when we seem cold at times, but that's just how it is.

Have fun. Tell him LeLetch says: "An inordinate amount of time spent in a bathroom is equal to the excesses of reckless spending, as a comparison of habits. Also, your partner seems to be requesting additional displays of unprovoked affection. This is not the case. He is merely requesting confirmation though action that there exists a connection of love. Gifting is merely a strong indicator of said connection. Ironically, if you were to purchase him a barrel of olives, these issues would disappear. Consider threatening it. This is partially a joke."

I'll bet the reading issue is dyslexia (spelling). So he just avoids it. Its a common issue. Then again, audio books have their own charm.

Edit: I was going to say he responds better to audio stimuli, but that doesn't fit if his aspie-focus is video games . It would seem to fit, but he may just be unable. Dyslexia fits with his epic fail on never having read the pizza box instructions. The ADD might be a misdiagnosis here, since 'Can't' looks like 'Won't'.

It's interesting that your boyfriend accepts the description of autism. It's generally considered hurtful when one is told "are you autistic?" You took a very brave risk there, and it looks as if it played out. I had to advise plenty of people not to do it. The reason being that the stigma attached is quite dangerous. Secondly, having something to identify with can also be quite dangerous and lead to excuses.

I didn't say it in those terms at all. I asked "Have you every heard of Asperger's?" and sent him the same link that our mutual friend sent me "10 Symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome: Know the Signs" I can't post the link as I do not have have hyperlink privileges yet. In this description it talks about it being autism spectrum disorder. The reason that particular page was stunning was the fact it nearly describes him to a t. I try to have very open and honest communication with him in general, and we both often speak our minds to each other.

I'd love him no less for it. I never really thought about him using it as an excuse. Doesn't he have a right to know what may be causing him challenges in his life? Even if he doesn't have AS it might be worth while to explore why he has certain characteristics of it. I know for myself that the more I understand me, the better person I am. Happier, more productive, confident, satisfied.... etc. I would want the same for him.

Last edited by foghaslifted on 03 Oct 2013, 2:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm also not sure what stigma is attached to it. I really didn't know much about besides that it is described as a developmental disorder. I don't kn ow anyone with autism. In fact both my parents are physicians (ER) but I've never heard them discuss it growing up.

We all got difficulties in our lives. I struggled with a drug addiction, and continue to go to counselling for it. I'm not ashamed about it, and why should I be? It's part of me, and I deal with it. My friends and family still love me and that shouldn't change. I don't think it would be any different with whatever differences or challenges each of us in the world faces.

For him to even remember what you like and go out and buy it is enough to show that he cares. He expresses love differently than you do; don't take offense when he doesn't want to cuddle, kiss, etc. He may have a difficult time explaining that he doesn't like that stuff at certain times. My point is to not take what he does personally. If he's consistently distant, it's probably just how he is and what he's been used to doing. Try playing games with him and getting involved in what he likes, and have him do the same with you.

People automatically either love you or hate you if you tell them you have it. I've had this happen on numerous occasions when I made the foolish decision of telling people I had it. It seems to me when people "know" that you're different in that way, they don't know how to deal with it, so they avoid it. If they accept it, they're going to be your best friend or someone you can depend on to be there. I know that most of the people I associate with have ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc. I tend to get along more with people who also have issues, since they're not as judgmental of me because of their own issues. The stigma, from what I've encountered, is that they're geniuses, but at the same time they're idiots. Like we're all savants, and we have zero social skills. We also always avoid eye contact, we don't communicate, stim verbally and physically, in front of everyone- they assume severe cases of autism because they don't realize there are varying degrees. These are my personal experiences of people who don't understand that it's a spectrum.

Autism is a spectrum disorder; from people who have a very mild case and can function in society with no to minimal help, to those who are profoundly affected to the point they cannot care for themselves and require a lifetime of care.

Unfortunately, because of the way society is, and because those with mild cases tend to be able to adapt, when people hear autism, they think of the 20 year old boy with the mind of a 5 year old who can't take care of himself.

Yeah, it is a stigma. Im glad that in a professional capacity I can hide it, otherwise I'd probably never work a day again.

To the OP - I find your posts heartening. You seem to accept your boyfriend for who he is. However, as time goes on, it's easier looking at what you are missing out on in a relationship, rather than what you are getting. If you can accept that you may never get him automatically meeting some of your needs, and forget the bizarre 'pygmalion project' that couples seem so determined to carry out on each other, then you could allow yourself to feel a level of happiness and contentedness that most people just never realise, beyond fleeting glimpses and happy hour hazes.

@octobertiger - After reading about the "pygmalion project" I can see that it is unbelievably common. You talked about the "it's easier looking at what you are missing out on in a relationship, rather than what you are getting." I completely agree that I have been guilty of this.

What I have realized over the past few days is that what I wasn't getting was about my own understanding about my boyfriend, more so than actual things in the relationship. Understanding the fact that some people are not wired the same as me is what really needed to happen. It wasn't what he had to do. I simply was so close minded I assumed that he should be showing me love in ways that I show it, and how my parents have shown it to me. Learning about AS is teaching me that different isn't wrong.... I know in the future this knowledge will help us communicate better, and be happy together.