Aspies: How was dating/being single. What did you prefer?

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FunkMasterMike
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14 Oct 2013, 4:10 pm

I'll keep this short. I have ASD. I also don't want kids. (found maybe 2 profiles on dating sites for women who don't have/want kids) I am single right now. Being single gives me more freedom, but then leaves me bitter, especially when I see people in public. (I also quit watching p0rn to help) I also know that my last relationship wasn't great, because she was too clingy. (even for the NT mind, lol) My mind goes back and forth. To be single or not to be single, that is the question. Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend, other times I'm glad I'm single. I look heavily down upon "players," (had a few one night shindigs, didn't like it) so that's not for me either. Its so flippity-flop.

In your experience, was it better for someone with ASD to date another Aspie, or NT? Any differences, pros or cons?

Also, for those Aspies that have dated, had an ok, or good experience, did you/do you miss being single?



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14 Oct 2013, 4:14 pm

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14 Oct 2013, 4:15 pm

Being single after a relationship, being in a relationship after a long period of being single.
It's a rollercoaster.



redrobin62
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14 Oct 2013, 4:26 pm

I'm single right now. Some might say that's a choice, others might agree I'm predisposed to it. I don't know. Maybe it's not too late. The few relationships I did have were burdensome in the end.



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14 Oct 2013, 5:05 pm

Well, I'll be honest. I'm 40 and have never been in a relationship with a woman (I'm straight). Being single does give me more freedom, and as for the relationship, I want to wait (I know, I'm too old to do that) until I am financially secure AND am independent (i.e. knows how to cook and clean well). So I cannot say what it is like being in a relationship.



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14 Oct 2013, 5:05 pm

If you can find someone that loves you for you and you are willing to put the time & effort in than it's great to be in a relationship.

It beats laying in bed alone every night.

You do have to sacrifice a lot though and make your relationship partner your best friend which means you aren't free to go do whatever you want whenever you want.



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14 Oct 2013, 5:11 pm

Being single is like canoeing, you don't want to spend every minute in a canoe, but it can be pretty relaxing when you do.


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14 Oct 2013, 10:51 pm

I've never even been on one single date, never mind a relationship....and I tell you, especially lately, part of me just wishes I was dead or in a coma because I can't bear the pain of loneliness & rejection much longer. At least in my dreams I have a happy life, where I'm married to my best friend and I'm a rich novelist and I have a daughter named Sakura...wonder how long I'd sleep if I were to drink an entire bottle of ZzzQuil... ( won't actually try, but it has crept into my thoughts recently )


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14 Oct 2013, 10:53 pm

I'm on the verge right now of finding my true love. :) I can't wait until I move to Los Angeles! :D


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FunkMasterMike
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15 Oct 2013, 12:23 am

Dhp wrote:
Well, I'll be honest. I'm 40 and have never been in a relationship with a woman (I'm straight). Being single does give me more freedom, and as for the relationship, I want to wait (I know, I'm too old to do that) until I am financially secure AND am independent (i.e. knows how to cook and clean well). So I cannot say what it is like being in a relationship.


You sound like me. You are never too old for love. My grandma found her ideal mate when she was 65. It's better to have your priorities straight before worrying about someone else.

Thanks everyone for your input. I might just stay single for a while after all. :)



yellowtamarin
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15 Oct 2013, 2:03 am

Hmm interesting questions.

FunkMasterMike wrote:
In your experience, was it better for someone with ASD to date another Aspie, or NT? Any differences, pros or cons?

In my experience, it is not necessarily ASD versus NT that is important, but your dominant personality or other mental characteristics. So for example, if you are highly introverted and can't keep up with an extrovert, then an I/I match would be better than an I/E match. If you are Aspie, but require lots of affection in a relationship, maybe an AS/NT would better suit you than AS/AS.

For me, the pros of dating someone with AS (or on the cusp) is that we tend to think more alike, so we understand each other better. It is "easier", because I'm not trying to figure my partner out all the time. A potential con is that there might be more enthusiasm brought into a relationship if at least one of you is NT. The straight-forward, rational nature of those with ASD could mean less "spark" and "passion" when neither party is being proactive with that stuff.

FunkMasterMike wrote:
Also, for those Aspies that have dated, had an ok, or good experience, did you/do you miss being single?

In my best relationships, I have not missed being single. But I was recently seeing someone and I did feel like I still wanted to be single (as in, I wanted to be alone more often than would be expected in a relationship). I think this was to do with my head space - I wasn't in the right "place" to be in a relationship. So you might have to sort that out before you are able to feel happy giving up your singledom - make sure you are feeling positive about it.



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15 Oct 2013, 3:50 am

I was single & had no desire for a relationship or even really considered one till I was 20. I had so many issues with being social that I liked having my space. I got in my 1st relationship when I was 20 with a girl I met on a forum. We had some weird things in common(both dyslexic, OCD & had AD(H)D & we had common interest & connected well. I never considered the idea of a relationship with her till she told me she liked me & aafter thinking for abit I realized I liked her. She became my special-interest & I was obsessed with her. She had some problems, I had some anxiety issues & her being my obsessive special interest caused me to get really clingy & somewhat controlling at times & I started questioning everything & worrying alot. We broke up & i was devastated because she was the 1st person I ever really got close to & felt a connection with. I feel into a psychotic depression(it probably started when we were together) & I HATED being alone after. It took me 4/5years of seeing psychs & taking meds before I got off of them & felt alot better but I was stile depressed about being single. I tried lots of dating sites, forums, talking to girls from work & I had no luck. I complained alot in forums including this one about being single. I made a desperation post in this section asking for advice about how to find someone or rather complaining about it & a girl here replied that she was kind of looking for the same things I was. We chatted alot & got together but it was long-distance & we had some personality incompatibilities; she was sort of on the more extreme end of a stereotypical Aspie in a relationship(liked having her space, wanted to be very independent & not that affectionate at times) & my personality within a relationship is opposite of the stereotypical Aspie because I'm dependent & love spending alot of time with my partner & love affection). She eventually broke up with me & at the time wasn't planning on having another relationship due to her wanting her independence. Alittle while after a girl messaged me on here who had read alot of my posts & was interested. She may not be an Aspie persay but she's probably on the spectrum; Aspergers may not be sever enough to qualify for a diagnoses but she has some coexisting things like depression, anxiety & OCD. I moved in with her about a year ago. I'm defiantly better off & happier in a relationship but I'm not the same as I was before I got in my 1st relationship I also think I'm aLOT better with an Aspie or nonNT; I don't think I'm compatible with NTs because I'm too different & I do NOT speak NT girl language with flirting, playing hard-to get & i'm very direct, straightforward, honest & take things I hear literally & speak literally which causes misunderstandings & I can be seen as blunt, harsh, insensitive ect. i also have other Aspie issues like wanting routines, schedules, predictability, & not being that social; lots of NTs would have problems with that & we'd both have to do alot of compromising.


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15 Oct 2013, 10:14 am

Both are what you make of them; both involve the story you tell yourself in your head, the story that constitutes your life.



theclash123
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16 Oct 2013, 12:45 am

I don't think I've actually actively sought out a girlfriend. I just would randomly meet someone who I liked, (through school or something else,) and then ask them out. Unfortunately the majority of my relationships have been pretty brief, and right now I don't really want a girlfriend. I'm poor and focusing on school right now, so maybe after I make some changes to my life I will finally "actively" seek one. :)