preventing meltdowns in long-term aspie/aspie relationship?

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Penelope_asparagus
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08 Nov 2013, 4:27 pm

Do you have tips? My spouse is high-functioning enough, or I just find it "normal", that I never notice problems until they're already problematic. We have communication issues, where from my SO's perspective I've been told multiple times what they want/think. But I haven't picked up on it at all. At points it's obvious we need to work on our communication. But what do we do? How do I get my spouse to say things clearly enough that I get it?


I'm very good at automatically saying OK and completely ignoring what I'm actually agreeing to, apparently. (ADD at work?) I know I'm supposed to repeat back and rephrase things, but I don't seem to be good at that. Or it just takes too long. What to do?

By the time we get to one of us in tears, things have gone too far.



Thelibrarian
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08 Nov 2013, 5:22 pm

What I do is when I feel myself about to explode is clam up and leave her presence until I calm down. The few times I have failed to do so, I have regretted it.



Last edited by Thelibrarian on 08 Nov 2013, 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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08 Nov 2013, 6:48 pm

Make him bring you a bowl of ice cream whenever he has something important to say, you'll have to eat it before it starts melting so it'll interrupt whatever you're doing at the moment, then you can pay attention to him while yumming it up.

Also unless he wants you to get really fat on ice cream, he'll have to limit how many important things he bugs you with! =)
Easier to remember less things, right? =)
(tell him diet ice cream is no good!)

Plus while he's dishing it up he'll have time to think about how to say what he means. Win-Win!


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AspieWolf
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08 Nov 2013, 10:06 pm

Your situation is all too familiar to me. Same issues here. Yea, the communication issue is a big one. Usualy, I'm at fault. I have things in my head and I often assume that others are thinking the same as I am. The problem is that they aren't the same as me. I am always hearing complaints that I assume too much and don't explain myself enough. I also don't listen to what my SO is saying a lot of the time, because my mind is busy working on something else that I think is more important. I wish that I could offer you some helpful hints on how to deal with these things, but in our household it's something that we just live with. Usually my SO will repeat things and then ask if I REALLY heard her and make me repeat it all back. Familiar huh?

We each have our own separate dens in the house and this is a good thing, as it provides a place where each of us can go for needed alone time - especially me! This really seems to help in avoiding meltdowns. After 16 years she has only had to endure 3-4 of mine. The personal retreat space really seems to help and it is something that I strongly recommend. Unfortunately, I am still plagued with feelings of inferiority and inadequacy because of the meltdowns and this causes me to withdraw for weeks or months (I was "gone" for 3 years once). After all of these years I guess it isn't likely to change either. We are what we are and sometime that can change with a lot of effort and sometimes it can't.

The good news is that a couple can survive and have a relationship, but it does take work. I am fortunate to have a SO who must be an angel to put up with me!


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Codyrules37
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08 Nov 2013, 10:31 pm

Image



Insania2016
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23 Oct 2017, 5:52 pm

lol preventing mishaps and meltdowns? Even NT people have that trouble.

Be open and be honest. Biggest help is for you both to understand yourselves and what it is you need.



The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Oct 2017, 6:02 pm

There's no scientific basis for "meltdown".

It is just a WP-invented term for stuff such as tantrum, or panic attack or a strong moment of depression or something like that.

There's no "meltdown", people, the term doesn't even exist in the diagnosis.



Mona Pereth
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20 Nov 2018, 4:08 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
There's no scientific basis for "meltdown".

It is just a WP-invented term for stuff such as tantrum, or panic attack or a strong moment of depression or something like that.

There's no "meltdown", people, the term doesn't even exist in the diagnosis.


Was the term "meltdown" (in the autism-related sense of that word) indeed invented here on WP? If so, when and where? Just an interesting bit of history, if true.


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jimmy m
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20 Nov 2018, 9:34 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
There's no scientific basis for "meltdown".

It is just a WP-invented term for stuff such as tantrum, or panic attack or a strong moment of depression or something like that.

There's no "meltdown", people, the term doesn't even exist in the diagnosis.


When an Aspie has a meltdown/shutdown, they physically lose their ability to verbally communicate. A state of panic throws their body into a state of paralysis. Brain research using functional MRIs shows that people when they enter a state of trauma, the frontal parts of their brain and particularly the area on the left cortex called Broca's area shuts down. The Broca’s area is responsible for speech.


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20 Nov 2018, 10:54 pm

This thread is 5 years old, and I don't know when the OP last posted here.


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