Protect Your Kindness

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I know many Autistic men/women have big hearts and a lot of kindness. I really ask that you protect this. It's a gift and curse. I find out the hard way. I was going out with a woman from my school around 2 years ago (like late 2011). She hit on me. I was surprised. Maybe it was something different about me that day. Who knows? She is also older than I am. I was 22 at the time and she was 28. We started going out. She was cool. And reciprocated well. I thought we had something going, so I began to lay the charms down thick. (My nice guy ethics came in). Made her feel great. Boosted her well mentally. I had her back. Heck, I even rubbed her back. Talked to her a lot. We had some pretty intense discussions.
And I thought, y'know I don't have a car and not a good job. And she's still with me. So maybe she is pretty cool? Just as I started to let all my guards down, I was smacked in the face.
I met a friend of mine at the school grill. He was accompanied by another lady too. I sat with them. He asked how me and my GF were doing. I said okay blah blah blah. The woman he was with chipped in saying that she had a cousin with the same name as my GF that goes to the school. My friend described her briefly. And it was accurately her cousin. Then she said, "What a minute, you go with her?"
I said yeah. She looked puzzled. She mumbled something under her breath I couldn't makeout.
So I thought nothing of it. I was hoping it was nothing. I didn't let it show.
A few weeks later I had a paper due. Since I was doing nothing at home I decided to go to the school on an off day to use the library for research. And this day my GF had school also so I'd be able to see her. I was gonna surprise her.

I go to the Subway place (we have a Subway in our college) and sat down until the line got decent. I saw her in line. But I also saw her with another guy (who I actually knew back from HS days). He drove an Impala to school all the time. She was with him in line frolicking around. He wrapped his arms around her, pressing her ass against his pelvis. I just felt numb. And stupid. I texted her (something I forgot what it was), but it was sincere. She replied vaguely. And I remember asking her out but she said that day she would be very busy. Yeah right.
I left because I couldn't let her see me in the crowd.

After that I just never contacted her again. Left it alone. I just (and still to this day) can't believe how stupid I looked. Because that's why her cousin looked at me like that. She was dating the guy for a while, whilst she was with me. Her cousin always seen her in his car and she would stay over his spot sometimes. He also would chill with them. I somewhat know the guy. He gets around. He's not a one-woman guy. So in my head I'm like; good luck with that. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little hurt though. I even told her I have Autism.
She kept texting me. And I blocked her from Facebook. She made vague posts regarding to me. She also made one regarding the Impala guy.

Any possible contact she had I erased with her. But just last week she sent me an email instead on Gmail. She apologized for what she did. I answered and said I forgive her. She reminisced about how well I treated her and how a gentleman I was. I asked why did she do it. She said she didn't know, she just thought it was the best decision for her at the time. And we where at different stages in our lives blah blah blah. She asked would it be possible to work things out. I said no dice. She wants us to be friends now. But I'm iffy on that too. She's not a horrible person. We're all human. But she could've just been straight up with me. Idk. One thing I am getting fed up of is my kindness being taken for granted.

Dang, what a horrible person! I am so sorry you had to go through that! Yeah now she is remorseful because its not working out with that other dude. My fiancé is an Aspie and was severely taken advantage of by his psycho ex wife. Please know that not all of is are like your ex. My fiancé is a sweetheart and I value that immensely. My ex was abusive toward me and I think being in that environment has made me appreciate my Aspie now. I wouldn't be friends with her either if I were you. She isn't worth it and you deserve so much better. The right girl will come along and treat you how you should be treated, with respect.

That sucks. You are right about aspies having huge hearts and lots to offer. She sounds like a complete b@@ch you sound like a nice guy try and keep your heart open I am sure there is a perfect woman for you. good luck

She was wrong for what she did. And I think she is feeling guilt. She only talked about how well I treated her. Not really about anything else. I think that's what she valued the most. Because from what I heard the Impala guy gave her the Flux. Played her good.
I don't often call myself stupid but boy was I a dumbass.
I live and learn though. And for the love of anything I ask the aspies to protect themselves. Normal people don't recognize how much feelings we will invest into them. And kindness can only go as much as a human is willing to withstand. I told my mom she doesn't understand Autistic people. She thinks I am cold and bitter. Maybe somewhat. But I probably have to be. I was on the borderline of going all in for her. Had I not figured her out--who knows how things could've gotten? I told my mom, one thing with Autistic people is that WE DONT LOVE HALFWAY! When we say that we love/like you we do it 100%. If we don't like you we are not likely going to fake that with you. Idk. I just don't want aspies going through that. It can hit you hard sometimes.

I've also had the inverse happen, where I wound up in a relationship with someone I didn't love and she immediately picked up on the indifference and was very hurt by it.

But the best thing to do is be straight up with the woman and tell her it won't work out. That's what I did to one of my exes. I knew if we stayed together I wouldn't be happy and that would make her unhappy. And every month was kinda hurting her. So rather than waste her time from finding a potential mate good for her, I broke it off. And I hope she does find a great guy because she is very kind and nice.
Even for the woman I explained in the OP. Even though she did me wrong, she's 30 yrs old now. She won't get me again. But I hope she comes to terms with herself and grow up. And hopefully she can find the right guy for her. Will he treat her as sincere as I did? I'd doubt it. But it's not impossible.

when you meet the next girl, just try to remember it isn't her fault what happened to you in the past

I don't know why, but I enjoyed reading this thread. It's so strangely reeking of wisdom and maturity.

I have to ask, just so I am clear: at any point did you ask her point blank to be your girlfriend or for her to be exclusive with you?

I've gotten pretty curmudgeonly in my old age because of people taking advantage of me when I was younger.

Yeah we did! That's what got to me the most when I saw her do that. About 2 months into us dating and knowing eachother we decided to put the barriers down and be GF/BF. I still stood my ground though. It was those intense discussions we had. Like I probably know stuff about her that she never told many people. And the same with me. I remember her exact words saying; "I was wondering if you are considering getting more serious? I never met no one like you before." Idk. I thought "getting serious" means forming some type of companionship.

So, how do you protect your kindness?

Well um, for some people " getting serious" or "starting to get serious" is actually a step below boyfriend / girlfriend and some people don't consider it exclusive, while others do.

Stuff can get super messy like this, as many guys and girls will date or get to know more than one person at once - especially if they're younger or serial daters, or often single. It means if you take it for granted that they're only dating you, never ask, clarify or actually set conditions that they agree to - it can actually be a massive miscommunication cause both of you are approaching it from opposite mindsets.

So I guess I would say - rather than protecting your kindness - discuss and set agreements in depth so there is no confusion. Before you do it, take note of how much they take, give or reciprocate. That way if they do break an agreement or you sense they are not as invested as you, you can get out with less damage or at least knowing you did everything you could.

I have actually seen lots of people who are younger, both guys and girls get caught up with this. Sometimes a guy will treat them kind of well, but never make their intentions perfectly clear, and so the girl starts seeing others. Sometimes guys misread a girls signals totally and assume she's not interested and start seeing others.

And there are people of both sexes who simply use others for various things. But unless you set a clear agreement you won't know if it was due to her being a user or you two having totally opposite attitudes to dating or simply a miscommunication.

Stuff can be complicated. >.<

^^ Your post Kjas is totally irrelevant to his case.

It's time for you grow up, to have a darker heart and become more logical.

A single 28 year old female human would never date down and go serious with a 22 yo autistic guy with no car and no job, the latter happens very very rarely in real life or in lala land. Seriously, what else did you expect?

You were never her BF regardless what she told you, and you've just rubbed her back while there was no sex, right? You were just equivalent to her teddy bear.

It's totally natural and predictable that she would prefer the Impala older guy and it doesn't matter if he's not a one-woman type, she probably hears rumors and never cares, in fact such rumors increase his value in their eyes too. All in all, his value overall is way higher than yours: He's a good catch monkey with a lot of bananas while you're a cute baby monkey with nothing yet.

The solution to protect your kindness? Go for a girl who's within your league: Perhaps a younger, unemployed and preferably socially awkward girl; it's very important for every guy on planet Earth to understand his own league and the hypergamy thing when going into the serious dating realm.

or better wait and work to climb up the social ladder.

The truly sad thing about this world is that love is supposed to be based on where you are on the social ladder.

You should love people for what they can give you, not for who they are.

This is why I seem to not be able to truly fall for a girl. The kind of love I think of as love is considered wrong.

Just another take on it - people have covered other angles to this better than I could. I want to tackle the overriding 'message' that you are saying from this - and not entirely go on this one experience (because it is just one), if that is okay.

If you are being kind for the sake of being kind, and expect nothing back in return, then does it really need being protected?

There's a world where many people are always trying to protect themselves. They walk around with their walls up, waiting for someone to make the first move, and then they wonder why they are so unhappy, and never have actually connected with someone else. Of course there is a 'risk of rejection' - fear - which is what your post is all about, really.

Everybody has different rules. Kindness will be interpreted by others differently. That is their choice. You have no right to insist a person should behave in a certain way when you offer a gift unconditionally - now social convention, that's another thing altogether, but are we on about that? I thought we were on about kindness.

If your motive is genuine kindness, or let's say mostly based on genuine kindness, then there is precious little to protect. You gave a gift - and it is you who attached the curse to it. The lesson to learn is possibly not to be less giving - the lesson is to learn to be more forgiving of those who use your gift in a way that you don't think is 'right'.