avoided by an aspie

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Can anyone explain why he looks around for me but when I'm there he avoid me?

It just seems to me that if someone avoids you they do not want to be around you, get to know you, etc. I feel like the last person he wants to know. And that hurts.

Last edited by GlendaGoodWitch on 05 Dec 2013, 11:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Did you ever think that he has incredibly low self-esteem and does not know how you feel? He might think he did something wrong and you are going to yell at him. He has no idea how you feel because he cannot read body language or infer how you feel from social scripts (i.e. if someone acts this way it means such and such even though that person has not literally said anything).

Speaking for me, as a man with aspergers and a 100% failure rate with approaching women, my first response is to feel guilty, like I did something wrong. The last thing on my mind is to think that I have hurt the girls feelings by ignoring her. I'm worried about getting accused of stalking someone or raping someone.

He knows I like him without a doubt. He knows.

I also know that no aspie is the same. He's high functioning and I know he doesn't always get the joke. I know he can read body language but his problem is his own reactions, his jokes, him acting out x,y, z. He knows I like him.

If I didn't yell at him for yelling at me in public I wouldn't now. I've never made fun of him or anything. How do we go from smiling and gushing one day to running away from me? He's made a fool of himself I can't tell you how many times and I never once made an issue. I tried to educate myself and understand.

I don't deserve to be avoided.

If you feel this upset & it's this hard for you to understand his actions; your both better off moving on because you two will have major problems maintain a relationship if you did get back together. Do your own thing, try to move on & ignore him till he talks to you.

After being in more than a few similar life dramas, I created a mental category or tag for such unhealthy situations that I call:

"This Is Not Working For Me".

Saying that phrase to myself whenever I find I am ruminating on the object of my affliction helps me to let go and move on.

However there are times when I find that I am powerless to rescue myself from a toxically addictive infatuation. In those painful episodes I have found strength and support through 12-step work in organizations like codependents anonymous.

codependents anonymous.

Why is he unable to make an effort?

Because of the way his Aspergers affects him which is sometimes impossible for nonAspies to grasp

I think the internal monologue is something like 'Oh, s**t try to act normal, not aspie - say hello!... Ah s**t, that hello just came out garbled and half-hearted, panic, I may have put off one of the few people to have liked me... try to be natural and get out of here before you meltdown in front of everyone... ah there is the lift, try to get away as if you were invisible and try better next time.;

Lets say you will see your crush, what would you like to replace the panic response? If you could verbalize what you would like to happen, how you would like to be feeling, I think that would greatly help me understand.

What emotions and words would you like to happen then if you saw the person you liked? How would your ideal situation go for you?

A planned meeting with something a bit less intimidating, something humdrum in which you are comfortable, and in which there is time for the initial lack of communication to be superceded by excessive communication...

So if he expected me on a particular day that would make him feel more prepared, comfortable? He would have time to prepare/plan what to say/do?

FEAR.

Disabling, immobilising, ruinous, crippling fear.

He is terrified of messing things up by even the thought of being anywhere near you, but he probably likes you so much.

Last edited by Tequila on 09 Dec 2013, 1:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.

No!

He will be that terrified and constantly thinking every moment for days before meeting you that when he meets you he will probably run away, so frozen in terror will he be in not screwing things up.

Can you talk to him via email? It might be a lot easier.

I take it that he must really like me or he wouldn't panic like that.

Instead of the panic, what do you wish you could feel when you saw the object of your affection?