The Fadeaway, Or When People Reject You W/O Rejecting You

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What is the difference between a friend of the opposite gender and a romantic partner? What are the expectations of an opposite sex friend in regards to how often to make contact or what to talk about? I have never understood the difference. To me, a girlfriend is simply a close friend of the opposite gender who I have sex with. That's what I expect out of a romantic relationship.

That's a really good question, actually. The difference for me is the physical chemistry. In order to be friends with someone, I need to feel some kind of mental connection - shared intellectual interests, sense of humor, something. How much of a connection it is will determine how close of a friend they will become. If it goes a step beyond that into a physical connection (which for me is pretty much an on/off switch - it's either there or it's not), then that person has romantic partner potential.

In both cases, especially if it's a situation where we haven't met yet such as over the internet, what sometimes initially seems to be a mental connection will quickly devolve into the other person turning out to be one-dimensional, the initial mutual interest being just a side note for the other person, or vice versa.

I need that connection whether the other person is going to be just a friend or a romantic partner. It's not possible for me to maintain even a friendship without some alignment of brainwaves. Then, if the physical chemistry gets added to that, the other person has potential to become a romantic partner, as well. But I find it works best for me when I can establish a basis for friendship first, i.e., that mental/intellectual connection. Then, whether or not there's a spark of physical chemistry, that person will be my friend.

Did I explain that well enough? I'm under the weather today and not feeling particularly clear-headed at the moment....

Oh, the other thing you asked - how often to contact, that sort of thing. If it is strictly a friend, I would not expect to correspond more than maybe a few times a week. With a romantic partner, I would hope it would be every day. Also, there's a different tone to the communications. A friend may casually ask how I'm feeling or how's the weather once in awhile, but mostly we would talk about ideas and topics, rather than each other's personal lives/feelings, etc., unless there was a particular issue one or the other was trying to solve (i.e., with my same-gender friends, we might talk about our own M/F relationships or office politics issues, or the like). OTOH, a potential partner is welcome to ask me how I'm feeling, wishing me happy daily events, asking me about my innermost thoughts, as well as having the other kinds of conversations.

When someone who says "oh, we'll just be friends, then" sends me 4-5 emails a day (or more) and is constantly telling me he's thinking about me, wishing me a nice morning, breakfast, lunch, dinner, evening, dreams, etc., calling me "pet" names (that I didn't specifically give him leave to use), I don't buy the "just friends" bit. Further, that sort of barrage can make me feel downright invaded, and if I've nicely asked him to back off, and he doesn't, then I'm going to end up pissed off and never want to communicate with him again.

Maybe it's a matter of boundaries, and with a friend-only, the boundaries are farther from the core. A potential romantic partner is allowed beyond the "outer fences" so to speak.

Then......there's the issue if you've let them into your "inner circle" and ultimately realize this is not a relationship you wish to pursue in either scenario. I think maybe us Aspies can have difficulties setting boundaries, so this may be where the problem may lie.

If I, as an Aspie, don't set the appropriate boundaries initially, then I'm going to create a false impression of what I might expect/want from the other person. If I, as an Aspie, can't recognize the other person's boundaries, then I may not venture far enough for them to ever realize that I'm interested in a friendship/partnership/whatever OR I may inadvertently venture too far and freak them out.

There also may be an element of Aspiedom where we have different boundaries than NTs, and so we more easily feel our boundaries are being impinged upon. I, for one, can't stand for someone to get flirty with me if I haven't already accepted that and acknowledged to myself that I am willing for that person to get flirty with me.

In face-to-face interaction, it's a lot easier for me to establish those boundaries with body language, etc. Over the internet, not so much. I can't tell you how many times I've been corresponding with someone in a casual fashion that I thought was strictly friendly, and then (what seemed like completely out of the blue) they'll hit me with some heavy flirting. At that point, I feel violated. If they don't immediately respond to my verbal signal to back off, I will quickly get offended and want no further contact with them.

So, really, there are a whole lot of things going on, which we, as Aspies, are not well-prepared to deal with. I think the most important thing we can do so that we can function better in social situations (of which this is but one example) is to start thinking about boundaries - our own, and where other people's may lie. If we as individuals can become a bit more adept and recognizing other's boundaries and guessing where they are, I think that may help us to be more socially adept in general.

Keep in mind that I'm 57, I've had many many many years to work these things out. I was pretty hopeless in my 20s, was married all through my 30s and 40s, then was single again for awhile in my early 50s, at which time I did the online dating thing. At first it was frustrating and disappointing, but then the patterns began to filter out of the interactions I was having, and once I'd put those patterns together into an "operating system" per se, it got a lot easier.

Again, this is slightly-fevered-brain rambling.....I hope this makes sense.

Even girlfriends in a romantic relationship with someone doesn't appreciate receiving that many messages from their boyfriends Eureka. It's too much and very overwhelming. What is the guy doing with his life that he needs to send that many messages throughout the day to a girl he is interested in? Even if that girl is is his girlfriend? I find that eliminates any chemistry when meeting face to face. There is nothing for the couple to talk about.

As for boundaries... I believe if you are ever in doubt about another person's boundaries, resort to your own boundaries to be safe.

You're absolutely right. I was thinking of the "initial getting-to-know period" when I mentioned 4-5 emails. But even in an established relationship, that probably is overwhelming, unless it's an ongoing discussion/debate. Sometimes I'll get into one of these email discussions/debates with a friend or, in the past, my partner, and we would have a back-and-forth all day long, sometimes one topic going on for days. Also, I should mention that ALL of my references are to more or less long-distance relationships - even when I was with my late partner, he was frequently in a different town....IOW, we didn't always see each other every day. Most of the people I consider my friends don't live here, either, and we only correspond by email or phone.

Any guesses I've made about the frequency of communication should definitely be adjusted for how close you live to the other person, and how likely you are to get together with them in person.

I think I understand the "just be friends" bit. I had to look back at the girls I rejected and how I felt interacting with them afterwards. I felt embarrassed and guilty every time I saw them. I didn't know how to act toward them, so I just avoided them. So if a female rejects me sexually, she probably feels the same way. She says "just be friends" but really, that is not to be taken literally. The main point to grasp when someone says "Let's just be friends" is "I do not want to have sex with you or get into a romantic relationship with you. Do not try to approach me that way anymore." The considerate thing to do if you have been rejected by someone is to give that person some space because they are likely to feel guilty or embarrassed. They do not necessarily want to remain friends. "Let's just be friends" means "I am not attracted to you but I like you as a person. If it is any consolation to you, I will let you continue to interact with me as long as you don't approach me sexually or romantically."

I'm having a hard time with this right now because the person who recently rejected me kept sending me mixed signals. We were close, but then she approached me sexually. At first I turned her down. Then I reconsidered and approached her. Some of the signals she gave me were that she wanted me. She acted one way when I saw her in person and said certain things via text message but refused to hang out with me or initiate any kind of conversation with me. I asked her if she wanted me to back off or stop contacting her but she always said no. It is not the usual script. Perhaps it has to do with how our relationship was before any kind of sexual stuff happened.

I was willing to just be friends with her (until she started acting all shady), but I don't think she felt the same way and was afraid to tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, was being kind of passive aggressive about it.

I kinda like the avatar, it's distinctive.

In all fairness I don't think it's an 'obvious' social cue to anyone, if you put this stuff in a search engine you'll find there are many men asking the same question of why women do this, and it comes under a mind game. Basically she's being a coward about it and letting you figure it out on your own. She doesn't get to 'feel bad' about it basically, it's very selfish and is akin to the 'lets just be friends' line. I'm not sure they even see it as classless tbf - do selfish people care?

I would prefer just being told she's not interested anymore. The truth has no power to hurt me more than the breakup does, and the truth is the only way I would ever respect her.

The way I see it - so what if she feels bad? Breaking up with someone should at least cost that much, it's the price of dignity. Besides that, you can always wait until you see her walking around with a new boyfriend and go up to them and call her out on it

Perhaps you're giving her mixed signals, too, and she's responding to that by acting with hesitancy as well.

I have found that if you turn a woman down usually the opportunity won't come back around again. Maybe she just likes the attention?

This makes a lot of sense.

I think people pull away slowly because they just don't know how to behave in these situations. There is no rule book and you're just supposed to figure out that if a person is becoming more distant it means that they aren't interested romantically. I had a hard time learning this when i was younger. It makes me apprehensive about sharing my feelings now because I've been so slow to cotton on when someone doesn't feel the same way in the past.

btw the blonde woman in Garfunkle and Oates scares me more than the avatar. I don't know what it is about her. I get the feeling she would bite me if I met her. I feel the same way about Katy Perry.

ROFLMFAO.

I just fell off the couch from laughing so hard.

I thought the exact same thing. Every time I scroll through the forums and I'm munching on something and come across his/her avi, I choke and skip through it so I don't have to look at it while eating.

It is easier if people say what the problem is...otherwise just being ignored leaves you feeling very confused and wondering what the hell you did wrong. It gives one no data to work with. Also people can be mistaken about things (I have had people reject me for things I have not done because they were told lies by someone else...another reason I hate the social world. Why on earth people have to do such things to others I do not know, what do they get from such behaviours?).

Either way it's easier to know what the genuine reasons are. If it is just that one is not attracted why not just say? Sometimes people are not attracted or compatible with each other. That is natural and is nothing to get upset over.

The problem arises when people choose to nitpick and find fault with the person or place blame instead of just saying "I am sorry, I do not feel we are a compatible match/I am just not attracted to you".

The nitpicking or blaming is what starts the 'not being able to handle rejection' off as not only is it going to hurt that they don't want to be with you (if you liked them that is, sometimes someone dumping you can be a relief or not much of a big deal at all) but now the criticism is going to add a second blow to matters.

Why hit someone with two blows just because you don't want to be with them?

All the same it is best to tell them. I find being ignored almost intolerable because I get confused by what is happening. It really upsets me.

I am much less upset by amicable break ups where the person was reasonable, tactful and didn't ignore or block me. In fact I remained on speaking terms for some time with some of my more reasonable ex's and I never went on any kind lets get revenge on them fatal attraction kind of spree. I am still on talking terms with several of them now, years later, I just don't see them much any more as peoples lives move on.

I hate the fade out thing. It leaves me frustrated with all the not know what the hell is going on. It drives me nuts as I become obsessed with finding out what the hell is happening and I just can't leave it alone. It's like mental torture. A simple explanation would end that and allow me to move on.

Very rarely will turning someone down at first make the person want you more. Its very confusing to be told "I don't like you in that way" one week, and then hear "Hey, would you like to go out on a date with me" a week later.

Yeah, there's that, I just think it's more usual to be lightly brushed off if they are no longer interested. I just tend to use that as a rule of thumb, ie if you're at all interested say/do something about it fast and if it's offered don't say no.

That's my experience as well. I had hoped it would be different this time, but people never let you back in once you hurt them by rejecting them.

There's a few ideas here:

1.) Reschedule no more than 2 times. s**t can happen, but lighting doesn't strike twice.

2.) If she's not firm on the plans, and/or using a lot of "maybes" then move on.