Please help - do I seem to have a dash of aspergers?

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Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting. I'm really nervous to hear everyone's responses to my question today, but also excited. I'm 24 years old, and for the last couple years have toyed around with the idea that I had some kind of mild form of autism. But I never really took it seriously until now. It seems to explain all my underlying issues with social awkwardness, isolation, social anxiety, atypical depression, and inattentive add.

I've been on a hunt this past year, energetically researching different areas of psychology to figure out what's wrong with me. It's a feeling that I can't quite pinpoint, but I just always felt there was something different about me, or off about me. But when I was younger, I wasn't intelligent or self-aware enough to understand what that was. So in the last year I systematically dissected many areas of psychology to get to the bottom of why I feel the way I do. I wrote down all my symptoms and did my best to really break down what causes them and how to treat them. So I would read 5 books on social anxiety, 5 books on the origins of depression, and so on.

When I got to the end of this process, I still wasn't satisfied. I still felt like there was something different about me than other people who are, for example, merely "depressed" or "socially anxious." That's when I came across the term "neurotypical," and it hit me - many people who experienced the same psychological symptoms as me, e.g. social anxiety, still felt alien to me because they were neurotypicals. Somehow, this term seemed intuitively true. It just felt right.

So I'm writing today hoping to get your feedback on whether or not you think I have some form of aspergers. I have a gut feeling I do, but I also have my doubts. Let me explain why . . . (P.S. I hope this post doesn't sound too indulgent or narcissistic; I just want to give you peoples an accurate picture of my life story to get a realistic assessment).

No, my first doubt as to why I can't have aspergers is because my mother always used to say I was a charming child. I was very emotionally attuned to her and others. In my Pre-school years, I was a hit with all the girls - I had 8 girlfriends in the class. I never had a problem making friends at all, and never had a problem with emotionally connecting with others. In fact, that seems to have always been my strong suit all the way through school. I would always develop deep connections with other people. It came natural to me. As a child, I would run around the house repeating "I love you" to everybody many many times (could that be an aspergers quirk, even though it was emotionally charged?).

All that said, I was still an odd child. I liked playing alone, and would sit in my room playing with toys for hours. I had a vivid imagination, and would always retreat into it. I lived contentedly in my own little world. One memory I have is of my Grandmother staring perplexedly at me from our Cottage patio as I sat atop our sand hill admiring an ant hill, all the while my brother, sister, mother, and father were probably off doing something together. I remember wondering whether the ants perceived me as a giant creature, and whether my stomping around them produced as loud a sound as a T-Rex theoretically would if it were stomping around nearby humans.

In grade 2, my teacher informed my parents I had poor construction skills. At the same time, she suggested I do speech therapy. I had/have trouble with spatial-visual awareness, and fine motor skills. My handwriting is very poor. Even to this day, it looks borderline childish and makes me feel retarded when I have to handwrite a note or sign something at work. As a kid, I was physically clumsy - running into things, dropping things, mishandling things, losing things. Not much has changed - just today I walked into my chiropractor's office, and when I went to hang up my coat on the rack, I knocked over a picture hanging on the wall right next to it, LOL!

It's very obvious at work. Something simple like unpinning a calendar on a cork board next to my desk to write in it seems more difficult than it should be. It's like my hands don't work properly, or I don't have an accurate estimate of where things are in spatial reality, or how to navigate my movements smoothly. My movements are very gauche. I walk with my arms to my side and a blank facial expression. People have told me before that I look like a criminal when I walk. I think it has something to do with my stone face - but I'm not sure if this is a reflection of aspergers or the pain associated with having an emotionally stressful childhood.

Now, this physical clumsiness didn't affect me to a debilitating degree. My parents put me though intense hockey (I'm from Canada) and I excelled in that sport tremendously, playing at a high level for many years. I guess my gross motor skills are fine, but I struggle with fine-motor stuff.

My next big sign that I have aspergers is what happened to me in high school. Because my parents put me into hockey, I felt like I had to be like the rest of the guys. Although I fit in with them and was popular all throughout elementary and high school, I felt like a poser. Like I wasn't being authentic. So when people say "you can't have aspergers if you were popular in school," it irritates me. My parents wanted me to break from my shell and be more extroverted. To a degree it worked, but I still felt synthetic. It only got worse as I grew to be more ashamed of my natural quirkiness and propensity for solitude and reflection and daydreaming, etc. So as the high school years droned on, I tried to be more and more extroverted. But I would go home and wake up the next day exhausted, empty, confused.

I never understood how my friends could socialize from morning to night, and get energy from it. It would utterly exhaust me to the point where I had to be alone or else I'd mentally "check out." I never had any severe "shut downs" though.

Eventually, the mask cracked and I went spiralling down. I practically hit a mid-life crisis at 20 years old. I went on medication, and took a year off to write a book for a school project - and this is where I found myself again. I needed that solitude to reconnect with who I was. And I'm glad I had a breakdown so I have a chance to start again and design my life on my terms.

So, with all that said, does anyone think I could have aspergers, even though I'm very attuned to the emotions of myself and others? Still to this day, I enjoy solitude. I zone out a lot. When I go about my day-to-day, I feel very floaty, like a space cadet. Like I'm not all that strongly tethered to reality. I'm a very quiet person when I'm with people I can't relate to. Other times I can be charismatic and humourous. I don't relate to the trait of "not being able to read facial expressions," because I can do that quite well. In fact, I may be overly sensitive to how people respond to me as I constantly re-adjust my speech and behaviour to leave a good impression.

Often times I'm so awkward in social situations because I don't know what to say. Or when I know what to say something, my thoughts don't translate into speech very well. Everything comes out stilted and mumbled - words get mixed up, etc. People must think I'm crazy. So this is why I'm wondering about the aspergers thing. But I'm not a numbers, math, or technical person. I'm very into psychology and learning about people. Could I have it?

If not, am I just an inward-looking, socially anxious person who has odd quirks and some form of speech dyslexia and/ or dyspraxia?

Maybe...though it seems more like dyspraxia to me. I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's and dyspraxia.

yeah, hard to tell in a lot of areas where my autism stops and my dyspraxia starts.

Best to just get evaluated by a psychologist who specializes in autism spectrum disorders. We can't tell over the internet.

If you need advice on finding an autism specialist, we can send some resources your way. Good luck!

1. No one here is qualified to diagnose you with or refute a diagnosis of a medical condition and if they were they couldn't do it from a post on the Internet anyway.

2. My speculation based on your post would be that you do not have autism spectrum disorder ( aka Asperger's). ASD requires a severe impairment in social interaction and social communication as well as repetitive, restrictive behaviours/interests to a point that they impair your functioning in life. You do not show signs of meeting any of that criteria in your post. You seem like you're an introverted person. Introverts need time to recharge and be alone after social interaction and social interaction can drain their energy. You also seem like you might have dyspraxia or a specific learning disorder that impairs spatial/visual processing and motor skills. I have a specific learning disorder in spatial/visual processing in addition to ASD. It can make everyday tasks very difficult and can be perplexing to other people sometime because you are so good at some things (reading and writing , for example) and then you struggle with simple visual/spatial tasks like cutting paper in a straight line. Having a specific learning disorder and/or dyspraxia and being an introvert themselves could make you feel like you don't fit in/have always been different from other people.

Daydreamer, that was a really helpful reply. Thanks for laying it out for me. So maybe my problem is dyspraxia mostly, and perhaps my influent speech is related to anxiety and just poor articulation capacity (I guess some people are just able to organize their thoughts better than others?).

There are some other symptoms I hadn't yet mentioned:

-Constant zoning out. I zone out in the shower. I do it while driving and sometimes drive to the wrong place because I was lost in a daydream. I do dumb things like accidentally take my sisters car keys to work two times in one week and once again on the weekend (at first I thought this was add-related but I think there might be something else going on). One time when I lived at a friends house, I put his frying pan in the cupboard above the fridge (not even close to where it was supposed to go). I'm just very absent-minded when I get carried away by my thoughts.

Isolated. I spend a lot of time alone, reading and/or writing. One routine I have is driving 20 minutes out of town to a library I like. I do it almost compulsively when I have free time. It's my escape from the mundane world.

Lack common sense. I have exceptional interest and insight into some subjects, but engage me in some small talk and I come across as an airhead. Now, I'm not saying that aspies lack common sense! From what I understand (and I could be wrong as I lack knowledge of this subject - that's why I'm asking you guys), aspies tend to be experts in some areas of interest but not so bright in areas they find mundane or unimportant.

Also, I'm not so sure it's merely a matter of being introverted. There is something about socializing that does more than just drain energy. Sometimes spending a whole day socializing makes me lightheaded and I can barely string a coherent sentence together. It's almost like sensory overload - another reason I'm considering this diagnosis.

Daydreamer, that was a really helpful reply. Thanks for laying it out for me. So maybe my problem is dyspraxia mostly, and perhaps my influent speech is related to anxiety and just poor articulation capacity (I guess some people are just able to organize their thoughts better than others?).

There are some other symptoms I hadn't yet mentioned:

-Constant zoning out. I zone out in the shower. I do it while driving and sometimes drive to the wrong place because I was lost in a daydream. I do dumb things like accidentally take my sisters car keys to work two times in one week and once again on the weekend (at first I thought this was add-related but it's astonishing how absent-minded I can be.) One time when I lived at a friends house, I put his frying pan in the cupboard above the fridge (not even close to where it was supposed to go). I'm just very absent-minded when I get carried away by my thoughts. Sometimes at work I'll be so focused on what I'm doing that when somebody says something to me, I'll have to ask them to repeat it. It's like they're dragging me from a mind-state or daydream I don't want to leave.

Isolated. I spend a lot of time alone, reading and/or writing. One routine I have is driving 20 minutes out of town to a library I like. I do it almost compulsively when I have free time. It's my escape from the mundane world.

Lack common sense. I have exceptional interest and insight into some subjects, but engage me in some small talk and I come across as an airhead. Now, I'm not saying that aspies lack common sense! From what I understand (and I could be wrong as I lack knowledge of this subject - that's why I'm asking you guys), aspies tend to be experts in some areas of interest but not so bright in areas they find mundane or unimportant.

Subtle stimming. Is listening to the same song over and over again a form of stimming? Or drumming fingers to the rhythm of a song? ( I try not to do this at work when the radio is one but I can't help it).

Quirks. I'm told I scrunch and wiggle my nose sometimes, especially when I'm laughing. It's something I never realized I did until someone pointed it out.

Tense body. When I sit I curl my toes, even if I wear shoes; it's hard for me to have a relaxed posture. I heard this was a symptom of AS.

Also, I'm not so sure it's merely a matter of being introverted. There is something about socializing that does more than just drain energy. Sometimes spending a whole day socializing makes me lightheaded and I can barely string a coherent sentence together. It's almost like sensory overload - another reason I'm considering this diagnosis.

Based on what you describe, I concur that you're likely introverted and maybe have dyspraxia (don't know enough about that). 30% of the population is introverted, but only 1% is autistic. What you describe doesn't sound severe enough. Did you do any of the online screening tests for Asperger's? What scores did you get? That should tell you if it's worth pursuing a diagnosis. If you decide to, you'd need to find someone who specializes in assessing autism in adults.

Well if the symptoms/ traits you're describing are causing you distress or are interfering with your functioning in life then you should get evaluated by a professional, IMO. In Toronto seeing a psychologist who specializes in ASD would be very expensive but you could see a psychiatrist and be evaluated for free (covered by OHIP). You need a referral from your family doctor. You could ask to be referred to a psychiatrist who specializes in ASDs or you could just be evaluated more generally I would think. You might have to wait a long time for an appointment with a specialist. People on this website have reported very long wait times.

My diagnosis was made in childhood by a psychiatrist specializing in children with PDDs (now ASDs) at the centre for addiction and mental health (CAMH). It was pretty thorough and was covered by OHIP. There might be a specialist there in adults with ASDs. I'm not sure

If you're in high school you may be able to get a psycho-educational evaluation through the school system (talk to your guidance counsellor or just ask to be directed at the principal's office). This kind of assessment would reveal any learning disorders and/or academic weaknesses and determine what kind of accommodations might help you (and entitle you to them).

Perhaps you should just ask for a general mental health evaluation and/or neurological/motor skills evaluation. Seeing a psychiatrist and a neurologist should be covered by OHIP. If you aren't experiencing a lot of distress or impairment in your life then don't worry about seeing a doctor at all. In that case your described traits could be nothing more than normal variation in personality/skills.

OP sounds Aspie to me. It sounds as if him and I have many things in common. There are traits that we don't share, but I know other Aspies that do

Disclaimer: I'm not an expert. Seek one, AFK.

I don't think you have Autism at all. I just have the feeling you don't by reading your post and comparing with my experience. I do have Autism and I am very well aware how it affects me. In this case I see no correlation. That's the limited answer I can give you so don't take my word for it.