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ritualdrama
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22 Mar 2014, 8:01 am

I am dating someone who is male and is very self-conscious about his weight and his face/teeth. He doesn't eat when he's away from me (we are long distance, at the moment he lives about 2 hours away from me). He finally admitted to me that that is why he has not been eating. Because he feels that he is "not what I expected" even though I have done/said nothing that should make him feel that way. I tell him all the time that I love him and that I'm thinking about him (because I am/do). But today, I apparently didn't say that enough. I have been trying so hard to say and do the right things cause I don't want to f**k it up. I worry that because I have to worry about saying and doing the right things (even though it is how I am feeling at the time) that it's not entirely natural or something? Like, is this all just a facade on his part or what? Does he keep a tally of how often I don't meet his standards on something? Or don't say the right thing enough amount of times? Tonight he sent me a message on facebook saying that he feels like he can't keep my attention. All because he asked me what I was thinking a couple times and I said I was thinking about something that wasn't him. Am I really supposed to only be thinking about you all the f*****g time? Am I not allowed to think about other things? I don't know how to feel about this. He also got really upset one night because I told him that he had a hot nose. He asked if I would still like him if he didn't have a hot nose and I said, "I don't know." Cause I was already irritated at that point I felt like it was some sort of test going on. And he took that and misconstrued my words saying that I thought he was not as good looking in real life as he was in his pictures. He was saying that I wanted to change things about him when all I said was that he had a hot nose. And even after we had been sending pictures for a long time to eachother and I had told him several billion times how gorgeous and beautiful I thought he was. He messaged me and asked me if I even thought he was good looking because I had never said that he was.

Is this just manipulation? How do you interpret this? What would you do if you were in this situation? How would you react?



Wind
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22 Mar 2014, 8:53 am

He probably is eating. From my experience, people who say they're not eating and whinging about it are full of absolute horse poo.

He is also thinking "me me me" all the time anyway, even if he genuinely wasn't eating.

Playing mind games with you and forgetting the relationship goes both ways, Him saying he's not eating for you not being attracted to him is total manipulation, whether intended on purpose, or not on purpose.

I would honestly suggest going on a break, until he can work on his own problems. You can't be there to keep telling him you love him and such, if he's simply not listening or accepting it.

It's an unhealthy relationship for you. You need to put yourself first and work out either telling him he needs to work on the relationship and himself with the help of therapy or something, or go on a break, come back to it in 3 months, and see if he's still the same.

He doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship really. He doesn't know what one even entails from him being "me me me" all the time.

You are definitely allowed to think of other things, and think of yourself.


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aspiemike
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22 Mar 2014, 8:58 am

It sounds like this relationship might not work out. If he can't settle down and listen to the words he hears without making an argument, then what's the point in complimenting him? There's too much negativity involved here, and it really sounds like a lack of confidence to go with the insecurity.

The way I see it, if I'm in that position, I don't think I'd date that person. I'd probably befriend a person and maybe try and offer words of positive encouragement and see how they handle it. If the person chooses to remain negative, I may not feel like sticking around.


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nick007
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22 Mar 2014, 4:39 pm

Is this his 1st relationship? Do you know of anything in his past that could of caused him to be insecure? I'm asking because he sounds kinda like me in my 1st relationship & somewhat but not as bad in my 2nd. There's only soo much you can do to help reassure him. Understanding the underlying issues & trying to find ways to help him address em might help more. It helped me somewhat but I also had anxiety problems & OCD that played off each other which caused me to worry. I'm not like that in my 3rd relationship too much because I'm on meds for anxiety & OCD & learned & grew from the experiences of the last two relationships & from other things.


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ritualdrama
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22 Mar 2014, 4:40 pm

Wind wrote:
It's an unhealthy relationship for you. You need to put yourself first and work out either telling him he needs to work on the relationship and himself with the help of therapy or something, or go on a break, come back to it in 3 months, and see if he's still the same.


He has also told me that he was going to kill himself before he found me. He says that if I were to ever cheat on him or leave him, he would kill himself. I don't know if he's serious or not. I felt like that. I have felt like killing myself before, but I never laid it out to someone like it would be their fault if I did.

Wind wrote:
He doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship really. He doesn't know what one even entails from him being "me me me" all the time.


He always tells me about how he has dreams of me cheating on him. He worries that I am going to eventually cheat on him because people have cheated on him in the past. It seems like no matter what I do or say, I feel like he may never trully trust me and that makes me very sad because I would never cheat on someone and have the same hate for cheaters as he does. Because I have been cheated on!

Wind wrote:
You are definitely allowed to think of other things, and think of yourself.


This is something that I worry about when it comes to this relationship. I worry that if I decide to study something or take classes of whatever sort that he would get sad or something because I would want to take them alone and that would mean I am thinking of something other than him and being around other people. I think he worries about me being in situations where I will meet someone and dump him. He has told me that.



ritualdrama
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22 Mar 2014, 4:43 pm

aspiemike wrote:
It sounds like this relationship might not work out. If he can't settle down and listen to the words he hears without making an argument, then what's the point in complimenting him?

I have thought about this. Like, if I don't compliment you will I get the same reaction as if I were TO compliment you? And you just disregard everything I have said? And all the affectionate gestures I have made?



ritualdrama
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22 Mar 2014, 4:46 pm

nick007 wrote:
Is this his 1st relationship?

No, it's not his first relationship. He's been married before.

nick007 wrote:
Do you know of anything in his past that could of caused him to be insecure?

He has been cheated on. I always take that into consideration.



aspiemike
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22 Mar 2014, 5:32 pm

ritualdrama wrote:
I think he worries about me being in situations where I will meet someone and dump him. He has told me that.


I think that a lot of people worry about this from time to time. I have been with crazy women who I suspect cheated on me (dumped me for an ex, or stated their desire to be with an ex). In the process, some of these people would make me feel as if I could do nothing right around them, when in fact, they were just staging arguments to go sneaking around. I dumped one of them to hear a sob story about how mean I was for dumping them.

I would suspect that his confidence is absolutely shot for being cheated on then. It's probably no worse than those who cheated on him.


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ritualdrama
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22 Mar 2014, 5:35 pm

aspiemike wrote:
It's probably no worse than those who cheated on him.
I am unsure of what you mean here.



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22 Mar 2014, 5:51 pm

ritualdrama wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
It's probably no worse than those who cheated on him.
I am unsure of what you mean here.


People who cheat are often insecure and low on self-esteem. They may love the person they are with, but one reason someone like this would cheat is usually because of a fight with the boyfriend.

I remember one friend started paying a lot more attention to a new male friend in her life that came along. She started complaining out of nowhere about how her boyfriend was a "piece of s**t" and that she was going to dump him. The weird part was when I asked her if she dumped her boyfriend a week later, she told me "No, I'm waiting for him to call me" and watching her get lovey dovey with this new friend.

And when I challenged her on the behaviour displayed during a private conversation later, she didn't want to hear it. In all fairness to her not wanting to hear it, I did initiate that conversation as well (meaning she never asked me my opinion).


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Wind
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22 Mar 2014, 7:14 pm

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ he sounds like a nightmare. Complete and utter manipulation! He doesn't care about your feelings, he only cares about his.

He cannot get away with telling you he's going to kill himself.

I personally believe he's full of sh*t, but I wouldn't question him on it anyway, just get rid of him and say you want to be friends and distance yourself from him until he can realise how manipulative he's being.

He will get over it in his own time, and there's nothing you can do to help him get over you, except to not talk to him basically.


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pete42
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22 Mar 2014, 9:16 pm

Quote:
He has also told me that he was going to kill himself before he found me. He says that if I were to ever cheat on him or leave him, he would kill himself. I don't know if he's serious or not. I felt like that. I have felt like killing myself before, but I never laid it out to someone like it would be their fault if I did.


He's trying to control you with emotional blackmail.

Dump him right now, and make it explicitly clear to him that you're leaving him, not because of his looks, or teeth or anything like that, but because of his attempt to emotionally blackmail you.


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