People w/ non-binary sexual, romantic or gender identities!

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My previous experience of the asexual community seems to indicate a lot of them are autistic so it seems like quite a relevant discussion to have on these forums.

Share some stories with us whether it's a tale of hardship, a comedic anecdote or something else entirely. Come out, talk about coming out to people... ask people about what these words mean! It's all good in here, let's talk about the elephant in the room - that's one of the strengths in autism as I see it so let's put it to good use!



I usually don't mention to people that I am a demisexual (or at least I think I am and currently identify as one, it's complicated), because it's not a big deal to me and it usually isn't relevant... but sometimes it becomes more relevant. When I do explain it actually I usually just tell people I'm asexual because it's an easier term to wrap your head around, though a lot of people mistake this for meaning I don't have genitals

I find being a demisexual a very hard thing to explain as almost all the explanations I can offer are misleading... basically demisexuals don't experience primary attraction (with the possible exception of experiencing it in the abstract sense) but still experience secondary attraction. I can know a woman is pretty in a general sense and I can find I woman physically attractive to me personally but in a decidedly non-sexual way that's tough to explain, but anything involving casual sex or anything remotely similar is really really not for me. Upon hearing that many people respond isn't that normal of a lot of people (guys always say aren't all women like that? )... the difference is whereas a lot of people choose not to have sex with people they aren't romantically interested or that they don't know well, for a demisexual it is not a choice and they simply have to experience some kind of deeper bond with a person before it is even possible to find them attractive on a raw sexual level.

This is very difficult to explain to other men because they say things like oh you mean you don't like boobs? And if I reply "breasts are nice but they don't make me want to have sex with the person attached to them" they usually reply that I am just straight and over thinking things, as if my sexual identity is not a valid one. They often then go on to give me advice in approaching women as though I was sexually attracted to them but just didn't know how to approach them, if they are a straight male my response is usually to give them advice on how to pick up men for casual sex... they are usually offended and assert that they have no interest in that sort of thing because they are straight to which I reply I equally have no use for or interest in their advice.



So come on and share some stories, ask each other (and me) some questions, let's shed some light on this topic. I am very open about my sexuality if I feel like I will be understood (though I don't wave it in anyone's face) and your questions are unlikely to offend me unless I think they have been worded with the intention of deliberately offending me... if I don't want to answer something I'll just say it's too personal, it's not a big deal so don't be shy!
If the thread kicks off nicely I'll share a couple of my more strange and awkward stories, if it seems like people care to hear them.

Last edited by Mugen on 15 May 2014, 9:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

No idea what most of these "sexuals" are.

Almost nobody does! Lots of people who actually belong to these groups don't even know there is a word for it!
Here are a couple of links:
Sexual orientation
Romantic orientation

The whole thing really is very confusing (or can be) and I am no expert on pretty much any of it.
That being said, I haven't even thrown non-binary gender identities into the mix! (I'd welcome people with these to post here about it too, I also have a non-binary gender and I don't mind talking about it, but I don't feel it changes damn near anything about my life, but it certainly does for some others).

That was a good comment to make, I bet quite a few people saw my post and didn't know how to make heads or tails of it, but that's why I made the post! Get some information about these things circulating! Realising there was a name for my sexual, romantic and gender identities was wonderful because it helped me to realise I was not the only one, that it was a real thing and it was something I could talk about and even be empowered by once I better understood it.

How is "Pansexual" different to "bisexual"? You only have two sexes to choose from!

Wow! Thank you for posting this. I identify as pansexual and there can be a third gender where you float between both of the genders or are really neithher gender sometimes. I think pan sexual and bisexual are different sexual orientations because you love everyone as a pansexual regradless of looks and bisexual is more of a distinction of liking both sexes.

And thank you for replying butterfly!
Yup, pansexuals are attracted to people regardless of their gender or sex - and believe it or not neither of these things are binary, especially gender, though for sex there are still both/neither options. Many people identify as gender neutral or neutrois - some of these people wish to appear androgynous, others do not, some wish to have an operation so their physical sex can then match their gender, others do not... some of them want to be referred to with neutral pronouns that don't indicate gender (addressing them not as a man or a woman, but as a person) and others give preference to male or female pronouns or neither.

I myself identify as genderless but in a "demiguy" male-by-default kind of way (my gender identity kind of doesn't exist, I don't have one... it's not neutral, it's absent) and I choose to be referred to by male pronouns because that's what's comfortable for me, it's easy for people to understand and my physical sex is male.

To distinguish gender neutral from genderless someone once said to me - imagine we all have a secret little whiteboard inside of us... When a person identifies as a man looks inside himself at his whiteboard, he sees a ♂. When a person who identifies as a woman does the same, they see a ♀. It doesn't matter what their physical sex is, we're talking about gender. When a gender neutral person looks inside of themself they would just see the circle, o. When a genderless person looks inside of themself they would see a blank whiteboard, or no whiteboard at all. I think they said an agendered person would see a blank whiteboard and a genderless person would see no whiteboard at all? I forget, some people don't think there's a distinction between genderless and agendered and others do.

If I got any of that wrong, please correct me!

You got it! And you are welcome

I might be pansexual or polysexual, but I don't know which.
I usually just tell other people I'm bisexual when I come out, because it's easier and most people have heard of bisexual. I also don't like to look like I'm trying to be difficult. But I feel guilty, because maybe if I identify as bisexual when I'm really polysexual or something like that, I'm marginalizing people who live outside of the gender binary, which I am one of(I think I may be genderqueer, but I'm a bit confused, I don't know what my gender identity is).

But I don't want to be too difficult if possible. And it seems like it may scare people off if I tell them things like I'm a polysexual genderqueer. It's hard enough being bisexual. I've been turned down by some gay men because I identify as bisexual. They wanted me to choose a side and didn't want to date a bisexual.

I don't know what to identify as other than bisexual, or maybe pansexual or polysexual. I don't care much about genders or reproductive body parts. Reproductive organs are just one part of the body to me. And gender identity doesn't really matter a lot to me. I do like androgyny, though. I don't care if someone is a man or a woman, as long as they're androgynous. That's kind of like my sexuality if I have one. And I'm not sure whether I am more attracted to men or women, because I like feminine faced, but I don't really much care for feminine bodies. Men's bodies are pretty nice, but women's faces are pretty nice, too. Am I still a Pansexual if I prefer androgyny? Or does that make me a polysexual? And am I still a pansexual if I feel more attracted to people who identify as genderqueer than other identities, or does that make me a polysexual?

Sexuality and gender is so confusing.

Mugen relate to everything in your first post here about being demi-sexual. I only found out there was a word for it last month. Not sure if I am demi-sexual, but it seems to explain the way I am.

It is difficult to explain. For some reason people just don't get it.

I find it difficult to find a man who can cope with the amount of time it takes for me to become attracted to him. Like, if I just meet someone, I am not attracted to him. I can think that he is a nice guy, good looking and interesting, but I would need to spend more time with him to work out if I was attracted to him.

I feel like the way I am is contrary to the way dating is supposed to work. I don't want to date someone I'm not attracted to yet. I want to get to know him first. I said this to a friend of mine who replied, "but you go on a date to get to know him," but to me that is too much commitment, what if I realized over the space of a couple of months that I really wasn't into him? Then he might feel like I was leading him on when I end things. Especially if I tell him the truth and say that I wasn't attracted to him and just wanted to get to know him better when he was dating me because he was attracted to me and wanted things to go somewhere. (I am speaking hypothetically, that never happens. No one asks me out, but that's a whole other story.)

It really confuses me.

Polysexuality refers to people who are attracted to more than one gender or sex and can include people who just do not wish to identify as bisexual because it implies that there are only two binary genders or sexes.

Pansexuality on the other hand is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.

An Androgynosexual is a a person who has sexual attraction towards both men and women, particularly those with an androgynous appearance. Have you looked into this one much?

There's a fair bit of overlap between these things, you may fit into more than one category. The label that fits in my opinion is the one you choose to identify as... your sexuality isn't a choice but it's also not a black and white thing so I think it's fine to choose one to identify as based on best fit or to choose none at all, they're just words to help you understand yourself or help other people understand you.

The topic is indeed quite a complex and confusing one, and I definitely know what you mean about not wanting to be difficult
Not wanting to seem difficult or like I think it makes me a "special little snowflake" or anything like that is a part of the reason I don't tell people much at all that I am genderless or a demisexual. Hell, I'm not even sure I am a demisexual - to this point I have only been sexually attracted to one woman in real life, she might have been the only one!
I don't think we need to feel guilty for using a label that isn't strictly correct all the time, these labels are just to communicate ideas in a more concise way and honestly, it's more concise to tell someone you're bisexual/asexual than it is to tell them your pansexual or demisexual!

The idea that someone has asked you to "choose a side" is just terrible to me... I always thought LGBT and other people in similar situations would understand that you don't choose sexual romantic and gender identities or orientations, but I have also had a lot of very close-minded comments from them. I spent a long time once arguing on the internet with a lesbian who insisted demisexuality was not a real sexual identity... she believed I was just straight and was pretending to be asexual because I had sexual dysfunction

I have not once told anyone in real life I identify as a genderless demisexual or that I have Asperger's... but I've given short explanations that kind of allude to it or explain a part of it that is relevant or necessary to explain at the time... I think telling them the names for these things before they understand the general idea will lead to them thinking I am just diagnosing myself with random things or thinking that I am trying to get their pity or sympathy or something similar, unfortunately. I do want to start telling people though, and thanks to a recent very awkward event I feel I owe a woman and perhaps two of my friends at least a half-assed explanation of my sexual identity.

Also I have just realised there is a LGBT subforum ... although technically that's not what we're discussing, I probably did put this in the wrong place.

Definitely sounds demisexual to me! Though it's up to you to decide if the label fits.
That's how I am too... I don't think dating is really leading anyone on though so don't let anyone pressure you into thinking otherwise! If you're not comfortable dating though, that's different and also perfectly acceptable.
I myself am not really comfortable dating at this point as I feel very strange about explaining my sexual identity to a woman and I don't think things in my life are quite smooth enough right now to give a proper chance at a healthy relationship.
I was recently talking to a fellow demisexual online who complained that an online dating service he signed up to asked a question similar to "how many dates before you would feel comfortable having sex?" and the options were something like 1, 2-3, 4-5, 6+, not until marriage. He said he wished there was a none of the above but I like cuddles option, or that the time frame was in months instead of dates

I have really wanted to say to some of the women who just wanted to jump my bones "how about we just cuddle?" but have never had the courage for that - most people hearing that would probably think I was being ridiculous or was uninterested and attempting to reach a compromise. I really should find the courage to say this next time though, I am not really a lonely person, but I really do want a woman to cuddle with and exchange back rubs with, and just be close friends with. Ideally a partner to be honest but an open minded friend would do... It seems impossible for me to find such a person though because if I were to suggest it, they would certainly think I was just trying to be sneaky about attempting to get into their pants.

Let's not forget the sapiosexuals

Ohhhh yessss I am definitely a sapiosexual.

Nothing hotter than when a woman talks science to me

Oh no, I don't feel pressure. I am just concerned about other people's feelings. I don't want to inadvertantly hurt someone by mistake.

I'm just editing this to add that dating when I know that I'm not sure if I'm interested yet and then realizing I actually wasn't is too much drama for me. It's just my personality. I prefer to make a friend and then slowly realize that I like him. He never likes me back though. Possibly, my way of going about romance confuses men.

That's a more pleasant definition of 'pansexual' than my previous, ignorant imaginings:

Probably does. But I think that would be my preferred way, too. While I'm not demi-sexual and I certainly can be attracted to women based on looks alone, it's quite rare for me to find a woman so physically attractive that I'd want to put any effort into dating her just based on that. I'd much prefer to get to know her in a no-pressure environment. Then, in the unlikely case that I get along well with her and like her personality, I might want to date her. (Whether I'd do anything about it is, of course, another question...)

My tale of hardship? I removed myself from interactions with the GLBT+ community at large because they don't understand and aren't empathetic to gender fluid or bigender people, most people with those identities don't seem to share my specific concerns, and I was too tempted to lash out every time I saw someone suggesting that someone with a female sex and a gender that was or included male just use a strap-on or a Feeldoe. I didn't see any suggestions for those in the same situations with a male sex, but I'm sure it would have been equally trivializing.

Perhaps the homosexuals suggesting it should just date masculine women or feminine men, because it's better than nothing and superficially the same as what they want - problem solved! No more coming out, no more hiding, no more confusion, and no more judgment.

My support comes from my boyfriend and those who aren't GLBT+, and they do a better job of it than anyone in support groups or forums.

Last edited by ReverieMe on 15 May 2014, 4:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.