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Alex_M
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01 Jun 2014, 1:48 pm

Hi everyone,

Do you ever feel like you just shouldn't have friends because you inevitably hurt them?

Today my fiancé and his best friend and girlfriend went to a gun range. I didn't go because a. I have work and b. I'm opposed to guns and I'm not going to a gun place.

Mid morning I posted on Facebook "have a great time guys and don't shoot each other" and I tagged them.

Around lunch I got a text from my fiancé saying "great job outing (friend's girlfriend) to her family. They are anti gun and she didn't want to tell them".

How was I supposed to know it was a huge secret? I was just trying to be friendly. I thought that's what Facebook was for!! !

Anyway so I texted friends girlfriend and apologized. Then I decided that I'm tired of getting in trouble for posting things on Facebook, it seems no matter what people always tell me I shouldn't have said what I said.

So I deactivated Facebook and texted all 3 of them to say don't take it personally it's just so I don't hurt you guys again. Now they're all saying I'm being childish. And I can't stop crying. And I'm at work. I feel ugly and small just like I used to when I got in trouble as a kid for saying they wrong thing.

I want to tell my fiancé that I don't want him to introduce me to his friends anymore because I don't think I am cut out to have friends - especially friends who started out as "other people's friends". Because when I do something bad and wrong it will reflect badly on the person who introduced them to me. If its friends that I met and made myself and then I screw up and upset them then it's only my loss. I'm 29 and it's only going to get worse as I get older and other people around me expect a higher and higher level of social functioning.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this before?


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Aspergrrl


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01 Jun 2014, 2:21 pm

Might your fiancé be willing to let you know when he wants something just between you? Because it's hard for you to guess this and sometimes you get it wrong.



Alex_M
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01 Jun 2014, 2:30 pm

Thank you for the reply!! I really appreciate that you took the time to read my post.

My fiance just texted me to say that I need to reactivate facebook and re add them as friends bevause they are more hurt by me abandoning FB than what originally happened. That makes no sense to me.

He also said he will help me figure out how to prevent it from happening again. So I will suggest what you have said.

I said im still taking a break from FB and am going to be on Twitter and this website now.

Does anyone know if there is a way to make it so you cant post on facebook, you can only look at your News Feed? Kind of like looking at Twitter while not being logged in.


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Rabbers
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01 Jun 2014, 4:03 pm

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all! Do your fiance and his friends expect you to be a mind reader?
I certainly don't have the time when updating my Facebook status to consider whether I might be exposing someone who has lied about where they are. If someone wants you to cover for them then they kinda need to let you know.
I think your fiances friend is probably annoyed that they are getting grief from their parents and unfairly taking it out on you. Imo your fiance should have told his friend they were out of order. They owe you an apology.



starvingartist
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01 Jun 2014, 5:06 pm

Rabbers wrote:
I don't think you've done anything wrong at all! Do your fiance and his friends expect you to be a mind reader?
I certainly don't have the time when updating my Facebook status to consider whether I might be exposing someone who has lied about where they are. If someone wants you to cover for them then they kinda need to let you know.
I think your fiances friend is probably annoyed that they are getting grief from their parents and unfairly taking it out on you. Imo your fiance should have told his friend they were out of order. They owe you an apology.


i agree with rabbers--how could you possibly have known it was some kind of clandestine operation if no one told you? you couldn't possibly have known when you posted that comment that it would get someone "in trouble", so you can hardly be blamed for that. dry your tears, and try not to be so hard on yourself. i know it's easier to say than to do, especially when you have a history of 'saying the wrong thing' (the NT translation of living honestly)--i've been judged harshly by others for similar reasons and it hurts. i think anyone who is acting upset with you over this is being disingenuous (because who they are really upset with is themselves for being dishonest and getting caught in it) and unfair.

i wouldn't say we as spectrumites are unsuitable for friendship with other humans--i would say we as spectrumites are unsuitable for friendship with dishonest humans. trouble is, honest people seem to be a rare commodity--so you should treasure those kinds of friends when you find them, and not worry so much what the dishonest types think of you.



rondynash
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01 Jun 2014, 11:09 pm

Now, WIth the help of online sources we can easily make friendship but before you can start friendship you must completely go through this portfolio or observe his/her behaviour through online conservation. Many fake details are there at online.



CuddleHug
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02 Jun 2014, 5:55 am

Even NT's hurt people unintentionally. Hurting people could even be considered inevitable. So yes sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have friends because I hurt them but that doesn't matter everyone will hurt them the fact you apologize and endeavour to not do it again is what makes you a good friend. So I think you should have friends that you'd be worth having as a friend.

Also remember the way you take this and the way they take it is vastly different. This is why you deactivating Facebook hurt them more and why it doesn't make sense to you why it would. You think outing her meant something important but it does not I imagine to her it is almost irrelevant. To equate it was probably something like a sliver a painful annoyance for a moment but after a minute and it is over then everything goes back to normal perhaps it is even forgotten. As for a way so you can't post on facebook I'd call that a choice if you don't want to post and would rather wish people well through private messages you can easily do that.

I have often, often, made the mistake that hurting people was some huge mistake only to find out later that what I had done was absolutely irrelevant to the person only hurting for but a brief moment. So often my apologies would come off as confusing as I'd apologize for a slight I made hours or days prior and they'd have no clue what was happening. I believe it's still good to apologize just understand that what has occurred does not mean what you think it does.



namaste
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02 Jun 2014, 1:09 pm

most of the girls i met are very careful in conversation and behaviour
especially here in india girls are cautious, they observe keenly,
they are particular about social cues and slight mistake socially means
real bad reputation.

i think you did the right thing by deactivating FB
because repeated social mistakes will really bring down your self esteem
your fiancee is just like my hubby he doesnt understand how to help me
the more you are careful about social mistakes the better and safer you will feel


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0bey1sh1n0b1
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02 Jun 2014, 1:19 pm

You know I had a similar incident when a friend disclosed that she smoked pot. From where I grew up people bragged about it. So one time I disclosed this information jokingly in the middle of a conversation talking about hookas and man she was so pissed and hated me forever. I mean she never ever talked to me again. Similar to you in an area where smoking pot was cool how was I supposed to know it was her dirty little secret. That was a misperception on my part. It happens though and I think you removing Facebook was a smart thing. Facebook get's a lot of people in trouble not just you.



ZakFiend
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03 Jun 2014, 6:09 am

Alex_M wrote:
So I deactivated Facebook and texted all 3 of them to say don't take it personally it's just so I don't hurt you guys again. Now they're all saying I'm being childish. And I can't stop crying. And I'm at work. I feel ugly and small just like I used to when I got in trouble as a kid for saying they wrong thing.


The problem is you're over-reacting to anything negative they say, you're taking social errors as a catastrophe and not just blowing them off. AKA you're treating it like the end of the world. You're hung up on performance and expectations (aka that wasn't the response you expected).

You need to let go, when you blew their cover, you didn't know so it wasn't your fault in the slightest, the only adjustment you have to make is to not let to many details fly in the future since you seemed not to be aware of the social context, you could have just said "have a good time" and no harm would have been done.

Go ahead and reactivate your facebook. The thing is you need to stop taking socializing 'so seriously' like you're on a math exam and there's only one right answer. Don't worry about it, the people you hang around sound much more immature then you in some respects. You need to stop allowing yourself to be pushed around and stand up for yourself.



0bey1sh1n0b1
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03 Jun 2014, 7:35 am

ZakFiend wrote:
Alex_M wrote:
So I deactivated Facebook and texted all 3 of them to say don't take it personally it's just so I don't hurt you guys again. Now they're all saying I'm being childish. And I can't stop crying. And I'm at work. I feel ugly and small just like I used to when I got in trouble as a kid for saying they wrong thing.


The problem is you're over-reacting to anything negative they say, you're taking social errors as a catastrophe and not just blowing them off. AKA you're treating it like the end of the world. You're hung up on performance and expectations (aka that wasn't the response you expected).

You need to let go, when you blew their cover, you didn't know so it wasn't your fault in the slightest, the only adjustment you have to make is to not let to many details fly in the future since you seemed not to be aware of the social context, you could have just said "have a good time" and no harm would have been done.

Go ahead and reactivate your facebook. The thing is you need to stop taking socializing 'so seriously' like you're on a math exam and there's only one right answer. Don't worry about it, the people you hang around sound much more immature then you in some respects. You need to stop allowing yourself to be pushed around and stand up for yourself.


"The problem is you're over-reacting to anything negative they say,"

Response: Well see that is your perspective. I didn't see it that way. Like I said earlier Facebook can become problematic because we are not aware of the audience and we are not skilled enough to exercise omerta. She probably felt that the best choice of action due to the lack of her foresight was to take down her profile so that she would not make any similar mistake. Judgement should not be passed over her for this action.



sly279
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03 Jun 2014, 3:28 pm

This is reason i don't post or comment on facebook, too afraid of being judged, hurting people, or work seeing it.
If i take it down though people will get mad, so I can't do that. Facebook seems to be social blackmail in a way.

Been thinking of making another facebook so I can feel free to post and comment what I want. It can't have my name on it though .



1024
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04 Jun 2014, 2:46 pm

I think it's their responsibility to tell you if you are supposed to keep something secret.

On the other hand, IMHO it shouldn't be normal, and it wasn't normal before Facebook, to send personal messages in such a way that the whole world sees them. Write an e-mail, or if you must use Facebook, a private message.


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equestriatola
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04 Jun 2014, 5:47 pm

OP: I feel the same way at times. You are not alone; I just had an awkward convo with a friend I met a few weeks ago. Why is the world so cruel to me?


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