Do you permanently feel like an unwanted intruder?

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YourMajesty
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15 Jun 2014, 7:45 am

It's a strong and bad feeling and I contacted a psychologist for it because I notice that it's deep and pervasive in me and that it's hindering me in my social progress and experiences. I have this feeling when I'm new on forums, I have it in chats, I have it in social gatherings where I deep down feel like people just invited me because they're polite. It almost made me not go to a bowling night. Last night I went to a concert with people and they invited me to have a meal afterwards in a place they visited before and I felt like an intruder in their 'social zone'. THEY invited me and didn't have to (could've just left 'for home' and I wouldn't have noticed) and I definitely didn't invite myself yet I still feel this way.

Even when chatting with people at a table or going to a party.... I chronically have this deep and semi-hidden feeling of being an unwanted nuisance. It could very well be true ( :P ) but at the same time it's disabling me more than I realised before. It's starting to become more and more apparent to me. Can anyone relate? How do people deal with this?


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sacrip
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15 Jun 2014, 9:03 am

Yeah, telling the difference between genuine and polite invitations is tricky. You have to listen to slight fluctuations in timing, tone of voice, facial expression, etc... In other words, all the things we're bad at. Just last night there I saw a scene in season 1 of True Detective that illustrated this perfectly: Woody Harrlesons's character came home to find his work partner, Matthew McConnoghay, at his house talking to his wife. The wife suggested Matthew's character stay for dinner and Woody's character said, in a PERFECTLY delivered line, "Yeah, stay for dinner." but he said the line just loud enough, and with a smile just big enough, that you knew, without a doubt, he did NOT want Matthew's character to stay at all. Matthew's character knew, too, and he said he had to go. Heck, that scene alone is a good test for aspies to see if they can pick up subtleties in tone and expression to get the correct meaning.


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Lace-Bane
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15 Jun 2014, 12:37 pm

YourMajesty wrote:
Can anyone relate? How do people deal with this?

I certainly feel I can relate. Though, I have never been too much of a socially active person through having a poor social network due to a frequently mobile upbringing and never having called anywhere home, so I have less opportunities to feel in such a way outside of my family's network. Though I do typically feel humored when asked to go do things with others who don't seem to show interest in knowing the deeper facets of who I am, and often feel like I should decline to not waste their time and resources on having my company. When I don't decline, they typically seem genuinely happy that I'm there, I just don't get why far more times than not.

I think, out of observation, it's normal for many people to feel connected by just being among others and having superficial conversations amongst a group. I typically feel emotionally alone even if I'm in a place brimming with people, unless there's at least one person there who I actually like getting to know and the feeling within that person's mind seems mutual. I'll talk about anything with anyone(I've been working on my humaning skills of conversation improvisation for some time now), but the conversations don't typically feel fulfilling, and don't remind me that I'm alive unless they're about something I'm fond of, which outside of music and art, is very limited in subject matter.

I guess my point of bringing that up^, is that, I think getting invited to things... while seen as a polite social rule by us, isn't necessarily felt that same way by neurotypical folk. They probably genuinely wanted to spend more time with you over a meal, but for them, it's probably not all that much a thing to be put out by, and something they get much out of... Though, for people like myself, I get very little out of general talk over food outside of feeling very self conscious and usually somewhat anxious >_>

At least from what I've seen of you here, you appear very kind, gentle, well spoken, respectful and considerate. People often enjoy being around such pleasant spirits even if they don't know why.

I think typically, if someone doesn't want your company, they won't ask for it just because it's the polite thing to do. They would have likely waited until you were not within earshot to invite everyone else to a meal, and then would have went after you left for home to avoid being impolite.

As far as feeling a nuisance deep down, I might have self esteem issues <_<. I feel like most people really don't like me from the way I'm often treated with what appears to be contempt in public settings. So I tend to wonder if even the people who are nice to me feel the same way, and just aren't blatantly rude about it. A majority of the friends I've had, have turned out to not be good friends with ulterior motives to reason letting me close... a couple or so were even sociopathic. I try to tell myself though that I was just born into a lot of bad social experiences with how trusting and forgiving I was growing up. I'm still quite forgiving, but, know not to unconditionally trust or give infinite chances to keep my friendship upon apology anymore. Also, a past best friend of mine was a very lovely spirit, and she was also very poorly treated by many peers for being different in such a good way... so I try to remind myself, perhaps I'm not liked by some because I'm so different and not necessarily for being ugly like I perceive the contempt as purveying. Probably not such a bad thing, I wouldn't want to think such hateful people like me and fall into potential traps.

As far as how I go about dealing with accepting an invitation... I typically pay for whatever I've contributed to the cost of the outing, and study how people are reacting to my presence. It's only one outing, one experience in countless ones of their lives, and if they didn't seem to like me being there, I know not to accept another invitation, but wouldn't have put them out anything much beyond that single moment in time. It helps to just put my foot forward with a mind clear of worry, which only works for me through meditation, and cutting off trains of thought that typically perpetually wonder in ways that worry by anchoring my mind to that specific moment.

Sorry, I have a lot of thoughts, and tend to type... too much. I hope it makes sense as I believe you've mentioned not being a native English speaker. I can certainly clarify anything that might have been lost... There would be no inconvenience in your asking.



b_edward
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15 Jun 2014, 2:33 pm

I think this can be in part a form of PTSD. I am no psychologist but I've heard this theory other places and I think it rings true.

I have that feeling a lot too. When it is at its most intense, and then I look back on it later, sometimes I feel that to some degree it was paranoia on my part. This is because looking back it seems it was irrational. But I do feel like this to some extent all of the time, even when I feel I have my paranoia in check.

I have to get up and make announcements sometimes in church-related groups. (for upcoming activities, etc.) I feel as if if it were someone else making the announcement people would just figure it is a normal thing to be getting announced. But it seems that since I'm the one making the announcement then I feel as if they just think it must be a ridiculous thing for them to be hearing announced.

Now the PTSD part:
When you have spent a significant amount of your lifetime having people do whatever they can to shut you up and get you to go away, it is only logical that later you start feeling like they must be trying to find a way to shut you up all of the time. Does that make sense?



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15 Jun 2014, 4:32 pm

Yes. Definitely yes.

Unfortunately I'm not sure I do deal with it very well, I sort of fluctuate between apologising for everything and trying not to impose myself on people, and trying to participate but being overcome with thoughts that I'm unwanted or imposing and I should leave.


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17 Jun 2014, 3:38 am

Sure, I know how that feels.

I've felt that way all the time. It's a combination of my own low self worth and rejection from people. My mind is now tainted that people don't want me around them and when they seemingly do, I always doubt it, fearing an ulterior motive. It's the main reason I'm reluctant to form any relationships since someone liking me is as painful as someone rejecting me.



Last edited by i_wanna_blue on 17 Jun 2014, 5:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

gigstalksguy
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17 Jun 2014, 4:54 am

I have found myself in many situations over the years where for one reason or another I feel like the outsider where I am not really wanted.

One thing I have discovered is that there are many, many people, Asperger's and not that often feel like this. So probably other people in the same social group are thinking the same.

However one thing I have found is that when there is some sort of purpose to me being invited to a social, or some particular role I have to play in the event, then I will feel much more included and comfortable. This can be something as simple as arranging to meet with someone for dinner to talk about something specific, and being known for having a certain hobby or interest or have knowledge about something.

This doesn't mean you have to be the biggest expert by any means - just identify your passions, interests, skills and strengths, and look out for the people that you can share these with.


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18 Jun 2014, 5:05 am

sacrip wrote:
Yeah, telling the difference between genuine and polite invitations is tricky. You have to listen to slight fluctuations in timing, tone of voice, facial expression, etc... In other words, all the things we're bad at. Just last night there I saw a scene in season 1 of True Detective that illustrated this perfectly: Woody Harrlesons's character came home to find his work partner, Matthew McConnoghay, at his house talking to his wife. The wife suggested Matthew's character stay for dinner and Woody's character said, in a PERFECTLY delivered line, "Yeah, stay for dinner." but he said the line just loud enough, and with a smile just big enough, that you knew, without a doubt, he did NOT want Matthew's character to stay at all. Matthew's character knew, too, and he said he had to go. Heck, that scene alone is a good test for aspies to see if they can pick up subtleties in tone and expression to get the correct meaning.

I'd love to have some internet test or something with that. ''Is this genuine?'' Of course the hard part is that there'd be either actors (so per definition not genuine) or secret filming (which is creepy, wrong and voyeuristic). It's just a shame that most social skills courses focus on the socially lowest functioning among us, those who're higher functioning in that department yet still struggling are to find it all out by themselves (which is fine by me, no self-pity, but some aid is always welcome of course) It'd be too complex anyway. You can't just ''learn'' reality as it's too complicated.


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YourMajesty
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18 Jun 2014, 5:26 am

Lace-Bane wrote:
YourMajesty wrote:
Can anyone relate? How do people deal with this?

I certainly feel I can relate. Though, I have never been too much of a socially active person through having a poor social network due to a frequently mobile upbringing and never having called anywhere home, so I have less opportunities to feel in such a way outside of my family's network. Though I do typically feel humored when asked to go do things with others who don't seem to show interest in knowing the deeper facets of who I am, and often feel like I should decline to not waste their time and resources on having my company. When I don't decline, they typically seem genuinely happy that I'm there, I just don't get why far more times than not.

So you end up declining a lot, still? I don't get that many invitations myself but that's also because me and my peers just differ too much. I can't relate at all to the 'typical girl at 22-stuff'; it's a different world. Usually I get invited in groups with which I'm okay as I can just shut up if I feel like I'm bothersome :P
Quote:
I think, out of observation, it's normal for many people to feel connected by just being among others and having superficial conversations amongst a group. I typically feel emotionally alone even if I'm in a place brimming with people, unless there's at least one person there who I actually like getting to know and the feeling within that person's mind seems mutual.

Exactly! The people I just mentioned for example don't make me actually feel motivated to socialise. I know that feeling of 'connection' or 'social satisfaction' or whatever describes it but I don't get that from chitchat. But there're some people that give me that feeling of 'finally a normal conversation...' (normal in the sense of what you describe here. I just then suddenly realise how meaningless most interaction is for me)
Quote:
I'll talk about anything with anyone(I've been working on my humaning skills of conversation improvisation for some time now), but the conversations don't typically feel fulfilling, and don't remind me that I'm alive unless they're about something I'm fond of, which outside of music and art, is very limited in subject matter.

Aren't there any likeminded spirits around?
Quote:
I guess my point of bringing that up^, is that, I think getting invited to things... while seen as a polite social rule by us, isn't necessarily felt that same way by neurotypical folk. They probably genuinely wanted to spend more time with you over a meal, but for them, it's probably not all that much a thing to be put out by, and something they get much out of... Though, for people like myself, I get very little out of general talk over food outside of feeling very self conscious and usually somewhat anxious >_>

Good point.
Quote:
At least from what I've seen of you here, you appear very kind, gentle, well spoken, respectful and considerate. People often enjoy being around such pleasant spirits even if they don't know why.

Thanks :)
Quote:
I think typically, if someone doesn't want your company, they won't ask for it just because it's the polite thing to do. They would have likely waited until you were not within earshot to invite everyone else to a meal, and then would have went after you left for home to avoid being impolite.

True, as with the dinner thing. But what if ONE person invited you, and there're 2? :P But it's not good to think about that.
Quote:
As far as feeling a nuisance deep down, I might have self esteem issues <_<. I feel like most people really don't like me from the way I'm often treated with what appears to be contempt in public settings.

That sucks a lot. I have self-esteem issues as well, partially due to my past and partially because I'm aware of my lack of social understanding. Some people are blissfully ignorant in that department but I just hate it that I constantly have to doubt my perception. Why do people (appear to) treat you with contempt?
Quote:
So I tend to wonder if even the people who are nice to me feel the same way, and just aren't blatantly rude about it. A majority of the friends I've had, have turned out to not be good friends with ulterior motives to reason letting me close... a couple or so were even sociopathic. I try to tell myself though that I was just born into a lot of bad social experiences with how trusting and forgiving I was growing up. I'm still quite forgiving, but, know not to unconditionally trust or give infinite chances to keep my friendship upon apology anymore.

I've had many crap friends as well. In a different way however. I somehow managed to attract people who lean pathologically on me, who're emotionally dependant and very immature. Due to all these bad experiences I manage now to spot them more easily so that I can avoid them. I've been too forgiving to them and other people. (who did something that put me in such a position where there was something/a lot to forgive) Grudges are pointless but over the years I began to realise that I should put up a tougher attitude in some situations. Setting boundaries can be extremely important.
Quote:
Also, a past best friend of mine was a very lovely spirit, and she was also very poorly treated by many peers for being different in such a good way... so I try to remind myself, perhaps I'm not liked by some because I'm so different and not necessarily for being ugly like I perceive the contempt as purveying. Probably not such a bad thing, I wouldn't want to think such hateful people like me and fall into potential traps.

Seems like a good approach to the situation!
Quote:
Sorry, I have a lot of thoughts, and tend to type... too much. I hope it makes sense as I believe you've mentioned not being a native English speaker. I can certainly clarify anything that might have been lost... There would be no inconvenience in your asking.

You make a lot of sense. I think I understand what you wrote :wink:


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YourMajesty
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18 Jun 2014, 5:38 am

b_edward wrote:
I think this can be in part a form of PTSD. I am no psychologist but I've heard this theory other places and I think it rings true.

I have that feeling a lot too. When it is at its most intense, and then I look back on it later, sometimes I feel that to some degree it was paranoia on my part. This is because looking back it seems it was irrational. But I do feel like this to some extent all of the time, even when I feel I have my paranoia in check.

I have to get up and make announcements sometimes in church-related groups. (for upcoming activities, etc.) I feel as if if it were someone else making the announcement people would just figure it is a normal thing to be getting announced. But it seems that since I'm the one making the announcement then I feel as if they just think it must be a ridiculous thing for them to be hearing announced.

Now the PTSD part:
When you have spent a significant amount of your lifetime having people do whatever they can to shut you up and get you to go away, it is only logical that later you start feeling like they must be trying to find a way to shut you up all of the time. Does that make sense?

I looked up PTSD but I don't have that. I do think however that my issues are related to the emotional abuse and physical neglect I endured from my father. At the time it gave me intense suffering and during puberty, when I was crying/sad, his abuse started to re-play through my head, like an unstoppable film. Kind of hard to explain perhaps. He made me feel so bad that I wanted to cut myself to let out the stress but I decided NOT to do it because I wanted to punish myself... harming myself would've felt better. Luckily I don't do self-harm anyway, I only get such a tendency under (for me) extreme stress and I mentioned that to illustrate how he made me feel ^_^ He made me seriously depressed as a 10-14 year-old to the point that I was upset when I realised that a bus nearly missed me. I now think that it has probably all contributed to that deep feeling of general rejection as a person.

I notice that people like me more when I'm acting like I'm among people who enjoy my presence. (they exist!) Maybe because I'm then more enthusiastic and open. Maybe it's just an illusion and perception though. Good to think about this, should try in the next situation, letting go :) (as it is I already don't over-analyse and I don't put on masks or anything, people already say that I'm independent in that sense, but it's just that I'm holding myself back)


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18 Jun 2014, 5:39 am

i_wanna_blue wrote:
Sure, I know how that feels.

I've felt that way all the time. It's a combination of my own low self worth and rejection from people. My mind is now tainted that people don't want me around them and when they seemingly do, I always doubt it, fearing an ulterior motive. It's the main reason I'm reluctant to form any relationships since someone liking me is as painful as someone rejecting me.

:(


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18 Jun 2014, 6:57 am

I'm always feeling like this now that i'm older but i don't remember doing it when i was younger.
Even when people invite me to something i'm always feeling that they're just trying to be nice, not actually expecting me to go.
Every time i'm on a group of people i fell like:
<A group of friends>------------<Me>



Lace-Bane
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18 Jun 2014, 4:21 pm

YourMajesty wrote:
So you end up declining a lot, still? I don't get that many invitations myself but that's also because me and my peers just differ too much. I can't relate at all to the 'typical girl at 22-stuff'; it's a different world. Usually I get invited in groups with which I'm okay as I can just shut up if I feel like I'm bothersome :P

Well, I wouldn't say I currently get to decline a lot of invitations, no. On a timeline of all past invitations, then maybe. I don't know anybody where I live at the moment aside from my father and his family (I recently moved back from living out of state and didn't have social ties here before I left anyway). He re-married into a rather large Italian American family. So I get invited to something at least every few weeks by someone from their group. I do not relate with anybody in his family though. The older people of the family seem to like me, but those more near my age appear to have no interest in my presence for the most part. I also know being invited to a family event is not the same experience, nor does it have the same difficulty of needing to be as presentable as being invited out by friends or potential ones >_>

As far as relating to male peers... I don't. I'm 27, but feel somewhere closer to age 35 in spirit, and am fairly gender neutral.

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
I think, out of observation, it's normal for many people to feel connected by just being among others and having superficial conversations amongst a group. I typically feel emotionally alone even if I'm in a place brimming with people, unless there's at least one person there who I actually like getting to know and the feeling within that person's mind seems mutual.

Exactly! The people I just mentioned for example don't make me actually feel motivated to socialise. I know that feeling of 'connection' or 'social satisfaction' or whatever describes it but I don't get that from chitchat. But there're some people that give me that feeling of 'finally a normal conversation...' (normal in the sense of what you describe here. I just then suddenly realise how meaningless most interaction is for me)

Yes, aside from some conversations I've had here on WP, I don't think I've had a good in-person conversation that has given me that connected feeling for some years now :?

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
I'll talk about anything with anyone(I've been working on my humaning skills of conversation improvisation for some time now), but the conversations don't typically feel fulfilling, and don't remind me that I'm alive unless they're about something I'm fond of, which outside of music and art, is very limited in subject matter.

Aren't there any likeminded spirits around?

I cannot say that there aren't for certain, but I can certainly say that I've not found them on my daily path and they do not appear to be anything less than rarity in proximity to myself.

I'm planning on going back to community college this August (nearly finished with my general education requirements from past enrollment) and working on my transfer requirements to a state university in Los Angeles to reach for a masters in music education so that I can teach music at university level. I'm hopeful that along the way, I'll maybe meet some people I can share my level of passion for music with, and even possibly throw teaching into being my backup plan as a performer.

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
I think typically, if someone doesn't want your company, they won't ask for it just because it's the polite thing to do. They would have likely waited until you were not within earshot to invite everyone else to a meal, and then would have went after you left for home to avoid being impolite.

True, as with the dinner thing. But what if ONE person invited you, and there're 2? :P But it's not good to think about that.

Well, in the case of my father's family, there are probably a total of 40 members, and often events will have at least 24 or so show up. I'm always invited by one or two people, and when I go, I know I only appear genuinely liked by a handful, the others seem less than genuine, and many near my age ignore my presence completely. I only go to give my face to those who don't normally see me on a regular basis and seem to like having me about, and then after a little while go hide in some other room with my guitar (events are usually held at my father's oversized house, so I've got free reign of hiding anywhere free of life within said map).

I was just over for a Father's Day holiday celebration a few days ago, and now there's another event with the same group this coming weekend that I don't plan on attending. I go to some of their events to be around those who seem to want to see me, but certainly don't impose myself into every event.

I see what you mean though, and yes, it's probably best not to dwell upon such thoughts.

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
As far as feeling a nuisance deep down, I might have self esteem issues <_<. I feel like most people really don't like me from the way I'm often treated with what appears to be contempt in public settings.

That sucks a lot. I have self-esteem issues as well, partially due to my past and partially because I'm aware of my lack of social understanding. Some people are blissfully ignorant in that department but I just hate it that I constantly have to doubt my perception. Why do people (appear to) treat you with contempt?

I read above where you mentioned how poorly your father treated you... I'm very sorry you had to go through that. That was a very sad thing to read. I certainly sympathize. When I was about your age, my father lost my mother's affection and loyalty and was faced with divorce. He then turned from Atheist to God fearing Christian. He confessed to me in deep shame that he was ashamed on how he had always seen me as unworthy of being his son, and that he had even hated me for so many years... I was unable to answer only because, an unfazed stone face combined with an unsurprised "Yeah, I know." didn't seem like a good line to fit his teary eyed confession. I am well aware though, that he was who broke me from childhood to believe that I'm less than worthy of life among humanity... it's only been in the last couple of years that I've challenged that ingrained mind set, and for the most part have been overcoming it, but it's hard to ignore such ingrained feelings sometimes. As a note, he seems to have sincerely changed in those last few years and has gained my trust, I just still feel instinctually uneasy around him and probably always will.

As far as recognizing my social inability, I feel quite aware of it too. Though I do try my best not to spend too much time questioning myself and just go by what I know and assume I'll seem a bit off no matter how hard I try, but that I'll learn more from the experience, so it's fine to let such worry go as it won't help me any. That's certainly not always so easy in practice.

As far as knowing why I get treated with contempt by some in public settings when I'm out on my own... I've not thought to spend extra time among such people by asking. I assume I stand out to them in some way that inspires judgement and dislike. I could probably come up with quite a few reasons as to why I think they've been rude to me, but I'd probably be wrong.



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19 Jun 2014, 4:02 am

Lace-Bane wrote:
YourMajesty wrote:
So you end up declining a lot, still? I don't get that many invitations myself but that's also because me and my peers just differ too much. I can't relate at all to the 'typical girl at 22-stuff'; it's a different world. Usually I get invited in groups with which I'm okay as I can just shut up if I feel like I'm bothersome :P

Well, I wouldn't say I currently get to decline a lot of invitations, no. On a timeline of all past invitations, then maybe. I don't know anybody where I live at the moment aside from my father and his family (I recently moved back from living out of state and didn't have social ties here before I left anyway). He re-married into a rather large Italian American family. So I get invited to something at least every few weeks by someone from their group. I do not relate with anybody in his family though. The older people of the family seem to like me, but those more near my age appear to have no interest in my presence for the most part. I also know being invited to a family event is not the same experience, nor does it have the same difficulty of needing to be as presentable as being invited out by friends or potential ones >_>

As far as relating to male peers... I don't. I'm 27, but feel somewhere closer to age 35 in spirit, and am fairly gender neutral.

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
I think, out of observation, it's normal for many people to feel connected by just being among others and having superficial conversations amongst a group. I typically feel emotionally alone even if I'm in a place brimming with people, unless there's at least one person there who I actually like getting to know and the feeling within that person's mind seems mutual.

Exactly! The people I just mentioned for example don't make me actually feel motivated to socialise. I know that feeling of 'connection' or 'social satisfaction' or whatever describes it but I don't get that from chitchat. But there're some people that give me that feeling of 'finally a normal conversation...' (normal in the sense of what you describe here. I just then suddenly realise how meaningless most interaction is for me)

Yes, aside from some conversations I've had here on WP, I don't think I've had a good in-person conversation that has given me that connected feeling for some years now :?

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
I'll talk about anything with anyone(I've been working on my humaning skills of conversation improvisation for some time now), but the conversations don't typically feel fulfilling, and don't remind me that I'm alive unless they're about something I'm fond of, which outside of music and art, is very limited in subject matter.

Aren't there any likeminded spirits around?

I cannot say that there aren't for certain, but I can certainly say that I've not found them on my daily path and they do not appear to be anything less than rarity in proximity to myself.

I'm planning on going back to community college this August (nearly finished with my general education requirements from past enrollment) and working on my transfer requirements to a state university in Los Angeles to reach for a masters in music education so that I can teach music at university level. I'm hopeful that along the way, I'll maybe meet some people I can share my level of passion for music with, and even possibly throw teaching into being my backup plan as a performer.

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
I think typically, if someone doesn't want your company, they won't ask for it just because it's the polite thing to do. They would have likely waited until you were not within earshot to invite everyone else to a meal, and then would have went after you left for home to avoid being impolite.

True, as with the dinner thing. But what if ONE person invited you, and there're 2? :P But it's not good to think about that.

Well, in the case of my father's family, there are probably a total of 40 members, and often events will have at least 24 or so show up. I'm always invited by one or two people, and when I go, I know I only appear genuinely liked by a handful, the others seem less than genuine, and many near my age ignore my presence completely. I only go to give my face to those who don't normally see me on a regular basis and seem to like having me about, and then after a little while go hide in some other room with my guitar (events are usually held at my father's oversized house, so I've got free reign of hiding anywhere free of life within said map).

I was just over for a Father's Day holiday celebration a few days ago, and now there's another event with the same group this coming weekend that I don't plan on attending. I go to some of their events to be around those who seem to want to see me, but certainly don't impose myself into every event.

I see what you mean though, and yes, it's probably best not to dwell upon such thoughts.

YourMajesty wrote:
Quote:
As far as feeling a nuisance deep down, I might have self esteem issues <_<. I feel like most people really don't like me from the way I'm often treated with what appears to be contempt in public settings.

That sucks a lot. I have self-esteem issues as well, partially due to my past and partially because I'm aware of my lack of social understanding. Some people are blissfully ignorant in that department but I just hate it that I constantly have to doubt my perception. Why do people (appear to) treat you with contempt?

I read above where you mentioned how poorly your father treated you... I'm very sorry you had to go through that. That was a very sad thing to read. I certainly sympathize. When I was about your age, my father lost my mother's affection and loyalty and was faced with divorce. He then turned from Atheist to God fearing Christian. He confessed to me in deep shame that he was ashamed on how he had always seen me as unworthy of being his son, and that he had even hated me for so many years... I was unable to answer only because, an unfazed stone face combined with an unsurprised "Yeah, I know." didn't seem like a good line to fit his teary eyed confession. I am well aware though, that he was who broke me from childhood to believe that I'm less than worthy of life among humanity... it's only been in the last couple of years that I've challenged that ingrained mind set, and for the most part have been overcoming it, but it's hard to ignore such ingrained feelings sometimes. As a note, he seems to have sincerely changed in those last few years and has gained my trust, I just still feel instinctually uneasy around him and probably always will.

As far as recognizing my social inability, I feel quite aware of it too. Though I do try my best not to spend too much time questioning myself and just go by what I know and assume I'll seem a bit off no matter how hard I try, but that I'll learn more from the experience, so it's fine to let such worry go as it won't help me any. That's certainly not always so easy in practice.

As far as knowing why I get treated with contempt by some in public settings when I'm out on my own... I've not thought to spend extra time among such people by asking. I assume I stand out to them in some way that inspires judgement and dislike. I could probably come up with quite a few reasons as to why I think they've been rude to me, but I'd probably be wrong.


Why on earth did your father hate you? Was it because you weren't "normal"?



Lace-Bane
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19 Jun 2014, 10:55 am

Shebakoby wrote:
Why on earth did your father hate you? Was it because you weren't "normal"?

I don't know how to explain in an organized manner, and thinking about it too hard brings my mind turbulence for things I've already forgiven.

My father was very controlling, goal/money driven, ambitious, "successful", and self centered.

I guess it started out that I was an accident conceived over some shared powder. He tried to press for an abortion, but my mother wouldn't have it. He got himself fixed in spite. That made me the only child and later his awareness opened that I was his only heir, and that I was, to him, shamefully defective. In that invasion into his life, I got between his easy one on one lifestyle with my mother.

I was not an easy task to take. I was told I was a very confused and angry little autistic boy during childhood. By my pre/early teens, I became the exact opposite and was depressed and passive, and began having suicide attempts. By my later teens, I was sickly, severely depressed, and unbearably anxious... all the while berated for getting low (B, B+) grades in my studies, and accused of faking how I was feeling to get out of going to school... frequently verbally degraded, etc.

I was only diagnosed with AS(changed to being discussed as HFA, because I later found out I had a language delay), PDD-NOS, and Autism Disorder by three separate professionals at age 23, and all were upset that I wasn't diagnosed as a young child to get the help and acceptance I should have had growing up... I can only imagine how my father would have taken such news earlier in my life, and it's not a particularly pretty thought.

I think being autistic, I never felt the need to please him or to be like him, and that bothered him quite a bit. I wasn't interested in what made his life go round. I was/am an artistic musician, and he was a work beyond all else type businessman. My creative passions were petty to him and he made it well known. I also never allowed him to make me do anything that I wasn't willing to do, and would reply truthfully with things like "I'd rather die", and controlling people don't like such ultimate lack of leverage.

I don't know, he was my emotional hell and there are far too many things that I could write, events I could re-paint, but it's not what I am subjected to anymore, and I've already forgiven him for such things. I think what I've said gives enough of a picture, but even "normalcy" wouldn't have pleased the man that he was.



Dirtbikerider
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19 Jun 2014, 2:26 pm

To me this hits home. Im only 18 but these posts are too real. This is something i can relate to and has been bothering me for a long time. Ive felt like an unwelcomed intruder to lots of things for a long time but the anxiety and depression developed drastically during early puberty for me. Now that high school is over for me the invitations to high school events and parties and family gatherings has slowed down now that people are spending their lives at college or at their jobs.