Should I just leave it alone

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Kind of reluctant to post this lol not wanting to create a s storm but here goes. I am NT have been friends with man with Aspergers a long time. Both in our 30s. We both have wronged each other. He has withdrawn and doesn't seem to want to talk or hang out anymore.

Our wrongings:

Me: I am an alcoholic. I have gotten drunk and said rude things to him including that he only has sex with obese women and other mean things i'm sure. I told some of our mutual friends he has aspergers to explain some of his behaviors. It got a little out of hand. One of them even posted a thing to fb about "love your friend with autism" which I think he took as trolling him / making fun. Oh also I almost burned his house down. I was cooking and I left the oven on and passed out from drinking. I'm sure there have been other rude moments. You get the idea.

Him: He f-d one of my girlfriends several years ago and I only found out in the last couple years. He has autistic hypersexuality. He gropes, fondles and touches women who have boyfriends and husbands. He groped my last girlfriend in front of my mother. The sexual advances are unwanted but I think even though it has happened dozens of times the women try to de-escalate the situation rather than confront him. He has had sex with different acquaintances wives a handful of times. Other than that most of my gripes with him are out of his control. He won't go anywhere or do anything except his special list of routine events but thats just aspergers I guess. He creates fantasy lies but they are usually harmless and have something to do with his ego trying to protect him. The lies can get pretty outlandish. Overall he really is a nice person who just has some issues.

Anyway theres the laundry. I am thinking I should just check in with him from time to time and see if he is doing ok. To really be friends again he would have to understand not to touch women I am dating, and I would have to apologize for some of the things I have said and making him feel different for having aspergers. I'm not sure if its worth that conversation at this point. As it stands right now we just don't have each others backs. I don't really see that changing. Still I am left feeling sad and wishing I could change things. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hmmm. Okay so after thinking, I would say.... you have to stop drinking before dealing with any type of reconciliation or therapy with your friend. You need to stop drinking. Forget about the fact that he's an aspie or this is an autism board. Drinking is where you need to begin. Take care of your health. It's more important than your friendship. Don't die, okay? Not worth it. Find an alcoholism board and start your sobriety. You can do it. It just takes work. People care, they are out there. Take it as issue number one. Deal with your friend later.

That would be a deal ender for me.



BTW, I don't understand the NT need to vent feelings without actively seeking either comfort, advice, or to learn something. It sounds to me you want validation. You're not asking for the former, so I won't offer any. I won't offer you validation either. Go fix yourself.


Just a little note: If it's true "He has had sex with different acquaintances wives a handful of times", he must be doing something right. Maybe he's nice, or good looking, or seductive,.... and maybe that's what bothers you about him.

Haha I can definitely see I am the away team.

I haven't drank since the end of last year. I have a serious problem that will result in my death if I continue down that road. I've hurt a lot of people including myself and I regret it every day.

To the other poster - You really have not experienced autistic hypersexuality. You don't have the slightest clue what you are talking about. If you don't understand the taboo nature of a an unwanted sexual grope well its beyond my skills here to help you. I think he should see a psychologist because even though I don't have a problem with aspergers, the autistic hypersexuality is mental illness to me, and this is coming from someone whos mother is schizophrenic. I've been around mental illness my whole life. One of the most recent times it occurred he groped a woman who was visiting with her husband and her husbands brother in the next room. If you don't understand thats mental illness nothing I say is going to change your mind and i'll leave it at that. Agree to disagree.

Validation I dunno I mean I'm unhappy. Anytime a friendship ends thats an unhappy moment in life. If all I wanted was validation would I really pick the autism forum to post this? I'd post it to an NT forum where they would all pat me on the back and say good job dude is a scumbag. I came here because he has mental illness the autistic hypersexuality and wanted to get an insight. Its obvious you don't suffer from autistic hypersexuality and have never had any experience with it. But sure i'd love to feel better about the situation. If you want to call that need to feel validation ok.

Just a thought: are you sure his "hypersexuality" has something to do with Aspergers? It could very well be another condition, like sex addiction (whatever the technical name would be - one doesn't exclude the other, you can have Aspergers and other conditions). Also even if he has sex addiction (or whatever else) it doesn't excuse unwanted sexual advances and "groping", one of these days he will get his a** kicked if he keeps doing this.

um, actually i don't think it's fair to call that mental illness--what i would call him is a sex offender. being hypersexual is no excuse for assaulting people, and this is coming from someone who identifies herself as hypersexual. his behaviour needs to be addressed immediately, because one of these days he's going to end up getting charged and autism is not a defense under the law either. if he has been told that groping people who are not inviting him to grope them is inappropriate and he keeps doing it anyway, unless he is actually developmentally challenged to the extent that he can't make informed decisions for himself (and it sounds from the way you describe him that he is capable of understanding language and of learning and making his own choices) he is breaking the law. autism doesn't cause a person to become delusional or psychotic, so there is no excuse for what he is doing. if he literally can't keep his hands off people because he can't understand why that is wrong then he needs to be in an institution somewhere away from the public so he can't hurt anyone. why is this guy your friend? he sounds like a piece of s**t.

You left me a respectful message so I will try to return the favor. Not everyone with autism is going to have autistic hypersexuality, but some people with autism will have it. A search of google will reveal various stories most of them having to do with adolescents. Yes he has it. He has never confessed to having Aspergers but he has that also. The two are definitely related as he can't tell basic social cues - i.e., the wife's husband is in the next room, shes obviously not going to initiate sex, yet he reaches for her privates.

Not sure anything positive going to come out of this thread now that i've had time to reflect. Ce La Vie. If you guys want to discuss this or see something positive to add I will check this thread tomorrow otherwise just let it die. People come and go thats just life I guess. And yes he's had his a-- kicked a couple of times over it, but remember the delusional lying I told you about to protect his ego. He has brought the stories up and included lies that it was "a misunderstanding" etc. This is why he should see a psychologist.

I'm just going to check in on him once in a while and if he wants to have lunch or whatever great. I see now there is no reason for him to air his laundry about me to me and for me to air mine about him to him its a pipe dream nothing good would come of it we aren't going to slap each other on the butt and be pals again. Then again who knows maybe a life event will happen and we will both grow more mature and reconnect who knows.

If it were me...

I would sit down with your friend and have a good old 'heart to heart' about how the issues between you are affecting the relationship.

Make it clear that neither of you are at fault (or both are), but either way, you feel it's time each of you just had some 'private space' to work through certain issues to make the friendship stronger at a future time.

Tell him that you are still his friend and will always be 'there for him' if he gets into trouble, in an emergency, or just needs somebody to chat to (but not all the time)...but you think it's best if you spend a few months just working on yourselves and finding your own independent way.

When you decide it's time, keep him as a 'mate' i.e that guy you'd go to the pub and have a few beers with, but you'd never introduce a woman to him.

Keep him as a 'distant/phone friend'....at least for the time being.

I'll admit I've not really done much research into 'autism sexuality' but I've not really heard of it actually being a problem. It sounds like a hyper-sexuality problem in an autistic person, not 'autistic hypersexuality'.

As to the first part I think the other comments would change now they know you've quit drinking. I hate drunks, they often get no redemption in my eyes until they quit. Drinking usually leads to a lot of other people getting hurt before you finally kill yourself off, something I'm not very forgiving about.
I also think the comments referring to 'he must be doing something right' was referring to his actual sexual success. Sounds like a fair few girls cheated with him consensually. I think it was referring only to the consensual stuff, not the 'unwanted groping' etc.

But it sounds like you're off it now, which is bloody good. I may not have sympathy for drunks, but I do for ex-drunks, quiting isn't easy in most cases. Congrats, hope you stay clean!


I'd say you were both in the wrong for many points, yet you've kicked your addiction and it sounds like you realise you were indeed in the wrong. I can't be sure, but it sounds like you've had a lot of progress on your part, it might be good to keep contact with him. I'd suggest trying to help him, too, because that sounds like a serious problem or even an addiction.

.....and this is why I do not feel comfortable attempting to converse with NTs.


OP, you have no idea what I have or have not experienced. I know exactly what I'm talking about. I have no appreciation for the NT need to manipulate, insult and boost self-ego. Your original post never really asked a question or request for insight or anything. It was a statement of how bad you think your friend is and how you're considering to mend your friendship. I take things very literally, as most Aspies do. I see things as they are presented at face value. I do not read between lines. If you want advice, perhaps ASK. If you want respect, be respectful.

Your friend apparently has impulse control issues. They may be due to a number of things. It would be up to him to seek professional help.

Hi I can understand your concern. I think he to a degree self isolates because on some level subconsciously he knows its a problem. Anyway let me reiterate this guy is a nice guy. Remember I told you my mother has mental illness she has schizophrenia. Believe me when someone has a mental illness they are not always in control. I do characterize this as part of a mental illness. I think he's gotten a pass for it many many times dozens of times in his life and I have theories on why this is but one is because hes basically a nice guy with some awkward mannerisms and people see the aspergers and assume this must be part of it because he's a little different. But hey I am asking you to take my word he is a nice person with some issues. I dont feel like having the authorities kick my door down over an internet posting about my used to be friend who has a mental problem lol. Theres that s- storm coming hahah sorry I use humor when things become stressful or unexpected but anyway you know opening up here I built a long hard resentment towards him for having sex with a girl I was dating many years ago. Then I found out he has this problem and either had had or tried to have sex with every acquaintance's wife he could. Its wierd though morally he is a kind person who wouldn't hurt a fly so its baffling and I really do attribute his groping ways to his mental illness because its illogical a person could be so kind and do something like that with any malicious intent. Back to the resentments he tried to grope my last girlfriend on multiple occasions which she and another friend warned me about and then it came to a head when he groped her breast in front of my mother and you know I kind of realized I may be a scumbag myself with some of my alcoholic ways but this guy doesn't have my back never had my back never will have my back and I felt some resentment there. But again keep in mind my mother is really ill and recognizing he probably has a mental illness I have been conflicted as to how much is his fault. I am fully in control of my actions except when I drink I become a huge a hole and I have hurt this man at times so we are all guilty of sin as it says let he who is without sin cast the first stone you know. So anyway I need to go to bed because I want to get up early and lift weights and go for a walk/jog and work my chest in the gym because thats my routine thats what keeps me sane so thanks for letting me vent and if I rustled anyones jimmies or if you rustled mine lets just let it go life is too short so thanks again i'll check back tomorrow if anyone wants to talk further.

Being fair I think the response would've been similar even if it was him posting. It sounds like you were both in the wrong, personally it sounds like he's far more in the wrong, but that doesn't necessarily change things. You both f****d up, it doesn't matter which one is NT.

I think the decision you're attempting to come to wont be influenced by a post here, especially considering it seems as if you already came to a decision.
I'd personally suggest laying it out with him, that you've sobered up and worked on your addiction and maybe see if you can help with his. (because it sounds like either an addiction or a serious problem.) Yet I also know it's not easy to talk to someone about their problems, people are in denial and don't tend to take well to others outlining their faults.

Thanks this was positive and helpful



Thanks this was positive and helpful



Your post rustled my jimmies. I rustled your jimmies. Its not a big deal. I bet you are a wonderful person in real life a nice kind person and I can be a kind person at times too so lets let it go.

Thanks this sums it up really well

We were both a holes at times. I think I was worse because his activity seems out of his control.

I'd love to sit him down and say Im sorry for A, B, C and D but you were wrong for X, Y and Z but like you said people don't want you to outline their faults and I worry if I had that conversation it would be more for my benefit than for his benefit. At the same time how is he going to learn new behaviors that allow him to make and retain friends without someone sitting him down because like I said in my eyes the man doesn't have my back and is probably going to go down this road the rest of his life unless he gets professional help. I think the thing that really bothers me is knowing hes sitting at home right now thinking wow that guy who was friends with me was such an a hole and im sitting here acknowledging we both did things wrong meanwhile he is in fantasy land where he was a perfect angel but our relationship is gone because of me and only me. Something about that both bothers me and makes me feel sorry for him that when he makes a new friend the cycle will likely repeat itself with his behaviors. Bleh. I should just get a diary rather than air all this out hahaha

I'm not sure if I explained correctly. I meant that this other condition, the "hypersexuality", is not necessarily related to, nor due to, nor a part of, Autism. Note also that autism is not the only "condition" that can cause a person to miss social cues, if I judge by the things you said about him, it sounds like he could be a narcissistic, and they can also miss social cues. Also a person doesn't get diagnosed with Autism just because they miss a few social cues, there has to be more, and some significant impairments.

Either way tho, whether your friend is actually autistic, or narcissistic, or both, or neither, and whether his "hypersexuality" is related to autism or other condition, or not, the fact is that it this "hypersexuality" is turning him into a sex offender, and I agree that he should see a psychologist. If he grabbed my "privates" it would not end well.

Discuss both sides problems openly and honestly. It's the harder way of doing things, but it usually works out better that way.

Also, tell him to stop groping people, please. It's creepy.