How to tell if someone is obsessed with you?

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Anna_K
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04 Jul 2014, 9:38 am

I have started other threads about one particular guy friend that I have. Right now, I am confused about whether he is obsessed with me or not. We hang out sometimes, I only want to see him once a week at the most. This is because I don't want him to think that we're dating. Lately, he has been very pushy with me. He wants me to hang out with him 4 times a week or more. I just tell him I might be busy. He always asks about my schedule too. Lots of people think he is pushy and follows me around too much. I have always accepted that cuz he is autistic & maybe he can't help it. And most people who I talk to (especially male acquaintances), think that we are in a relationship. I want to be friends with him, but I don't know if its obsession, and if things are going to get weird. Suggestions? Opinions?


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Kiprobalhato
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06 Jul 2014, 3:26 pm

how much have you tried cutting off contact? if so, how soon does he come back to you?
maybe because he's autistic he doesn't really realize the extent to which he bugs you...i haven't really been in your position but i'd tell him directly what i think. have you told him this...?


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Magnanimous
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07 Jul 2014, 4:06 pm

Since I'm a guy, I obviously can't relate to your position in the slightest...

BUT... so far as his goes...

Maybe you just need to explain things to him in a completely clear-cut manner. Keep emotion out of it. Stick to the facts. Recount the negative effect his behaviour is having. Request that he stops. Whatever. Just make sure to keep a seemingly impartial position in it all... like you're just the messenger for the information to be imparted. Deadpan as f**k.



Egesa
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08 Jul 2014, 4:52 am

If you're feeling that way then there's something wrong, although he may not be aware. I suggest letting him know that it's a problem and that the more he behaves in those ways the less you will want to see him. Does he have any or many other friends? That would help him to spread out his focus rather than too much on one person. He should know that it's not good for himself either, and he'd be happier too being more balanced.



QuiversWhiskers
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10 Jul 2014, 10:06 am

I am a girl and have been in the position of being the one that is "obsessed". It really is embarrassing for me. And I wish the person would have sat with me and very gently explained to me the "rules" and how things I did made them feel and why and what the norm is and how to go about acting the "norm" so that I could be sure what they thought and felt and not left to fill in the gaps in understanding what they were thinking or feeling based only on their outward signs which I was very good at misreading or not reading at all. The confusion is also pretty painful for the person doing the "obsessing". You never really know for sure what is going on because it is even harder to understand someone else when your own liking for them is so powerful. And because the other person engages in a dance, where they come and go, trying to be "nice" and trying to also distance themselves, not realizing you aren't really getting the body language and social messages they are sending. I also think it is important that this person, if you talk to them, is told that you don't think less of them and that you don't think negatively of them for it if you don't think badly of them. I guess this is where the understanding of the possible autism comes in. Of course, if you do think badly of them for it, don't lie about it. I am still embarrassed for these obsessions even 8 years later. I am not so worried about what they thought anymore, I am more concerned with the damage I did to myself for it. I have learned to control these intense interests in certain other people and to recognize them and not show them, but it is painful and I often end up withdrawing to the point of isolating myself from them in order to avoid any chance or any hint of bothering them. It hurts me a lot and I am sure that once or twice it may have actually hurt someone else because they wouldn't have understood why I suddenly couldn't talk to them anymore.



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10 Jul 2014, 10:31 am

Unfortunately I've been at the obsessive end of this situation. It's not something I'm proud of. There's something that makes him feel incredibly attached to you, but I doubt even he knows exactly what makes him feel this way. All I can say is you either need to cut contact with this guy, or as Magnanimous said, tell him in a blunt-but-fair way that it has to stop and tell him how its affecting you. Leave emotion out of it because trust me, it makes things worse.

Having said that, I do kind of feel sorry for the guy though. He's probably incredibly lonely and may feel like you're the only one who understands him.


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kraftiekortie
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10 Jul 2014, 6:31 pm

How old is the guy?



Laddo
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10 Jul 2014, 8:08 pm

Whoooooa hold up, something's just registered with me here.

Most males you're friends with think you're in a relationship with him? Can I ask why?


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Egesa
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11 Jul 2014, 4:22 am

QuiversWhiskers and Laddo, you speak with the wisdom of experience on this topic. I've been in the same position too. The combination of believing that nobody else understands and being very lonely is potent.



Anna_K
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11 Jul 2014, 8:35 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
How old is the guy?


He is 15, same age as me.


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Anna_K
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11 Jul 2014, 8:46 pm

Laddo wrote:
Whoooooa hold up, something's just registered with me here.

Most males you're friends with think you're in a relationship with him? Can I ask why?


Possibly because he often talks about hanging out with me whenever they are around, and he does like me, even though I told him that I only wanted to be friends with him, and my other male acquaintances know that he likes me. I have been getting signals lately that he hopes that it will turn into a relationship. He always talks to me in a way that suggests that we are dating, so maybe thats part of the reason too....


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Laddo
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11 Jul 2014, 8:55 pm

Don't let him talk about you in this way then. Don't let him think you're in a relationship with him. I can't stress this enough. Don't let him fall in love with you. I think most women misunderstand how easy it is for men to fall in love with them. It has horrible consequences for both parties, so please don't let this happen unless you're 100% sure


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12 Jul 2014, 7:45 am

I had a friend like that. He kept saying maybe I would change my mind, and that he was "only joking". He kept trying to invite me out to things where it was just me and him. I got annoyed with it because I said several times very clearly that I only wanted friendship.

As friendly as he was, I ended it because he kept getting stroppy with me when I didn't reply within 2-3 days to his texts. That, and because he didn't respect my choice that I only wanted friendship.

And to add, women shouldn't put up with these situations because it's disrespecting their choice, not because it is "leading the man on". When the woman is clear about what she wants from a guy, hanging out with them IS NOT leading them on. That is a message that has been unfairly placed on the woman. AnnaK has told the guy she only wants friendship. I would suggest Anna, that you mention it again very clearly, and if the guy doesn't acknowledge it, distance yourself.


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Anna_K
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12 Jul 2014, 4:36 pm

smudge wrote:
He kept trying to invite me out to things where it was just me and him.


He always wants to spend time alone with me too. He seems very opposed to group hangouts. If I bring someone else with me, he is polite to them, but I can tell that he doesn't want them there.


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13 Jul 2014, 2:03 am

I'm assuming you've tried this, but have you given clear boundaries? I get obsessed with people (or used to, not so much now) and it really, really helps if they've given me specific 'rules' e.g. only call/text at certain times, no more than once a week etc. It can be hard to accept (I was really upset the first time a woman I was obsessed with gave me boundaries even though I'd asked for them), but long-term it meant that I didn't lose the friendship completely.



WaYa
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13 Jul 2014, 3:03 am

Anna_K wrote:
I have started other threads about one particular guy friend that I have. Right now, I am confused about whether he is obsessed with me or not. We hang out sometimes, I only want to see him once a week at the most. This is because I don't want him to think that we're dating. Lately, he has been very pushy with me. He wants me to hang out with him 4 times a week or more. I just tell him I might be busy. He always asks about my schedule too. Lots of people think he is pushy and follows me around too much. I have always accepted that cuz he is autistic & maybe he can't help it. And most people who I talk to (especially male acquaintances), think that we are in a relationship. I want to be friends with him, but I don't know if its obsession, and if things are going to get weird. Suggestions? Opinions?


Reading through this post I think the best suggestion made is sitting down and talking to him.

Since everyone within the spectrum is different, and many area's having a lot of support for individuals within the spectrum, anything is possible. with the right support his social maturity could be very close to the social norm for his age, or it could of been like mine that was always 5-10 years behind my peers.

Without really knowing him I don't know if he's socially mature enough to desire someone who's more than just a friend or not. I've known many others within the spectrum who'll only latch on to just a few individuals and not put any effort to letting others into his life, so his wanting to constantly be around you could be your one of the only people he's comfortable being around (even as a friend), or he could still have an interest.

If he does have an interest in you that goes beyond just being a friend, things can get very emotional for him, but if it's the case, the sooner you confront him on it the better it will be for both of you. (and if he still is pushy and not giving you your space, you can talk to his parents so, hopefully, he see's a therapist about it to help him through things)

I'm 41 now, and am an AS myself, but I was 15 at one point in time (obviously). Back then I had the social maturity of a 9-10 yr old, and an IQ that exceeded the school systems psychiatrist (forgot the actual IQ but it was not quite at genius level)



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