How is it okay for others to get angry but not me?

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Starwars1776
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15 Jul 2014, 11:45 pm

So up until 5th grade I had no idea people had emotions. This caused some impairment in my social functioning, I could always upset or anger a person without ever knowing what I did wrong. Also my family environment is a little disappointing, because I am never allowed to show any form of anger and I am not allowed to get upset , but my sisters and my mom are, so I am battling my own emotions and trying to avoid angering myself and others



auntblabby
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16 Jul 2014, 1:45 am

IMHO your family is systematically invalidating your individuality and personhood, and it would be a good idea for you to get away from them as soon as possible. just my opinion.



Pitabread123
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16 Jul 2014, 2:33 am

Errrg your question is making me angry, lol just kidding :D Anyhow you can think of it this way: make it an goal for yourself to keep level-headed when others are angry. Sometimes it might seem like a double standard for everybody else, but as they say, may cooler heads prevail.



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16 Jul 2014, 6:17 am

The first question is, How do they show anger?

The next question is, How do you show anger?

If you make a much stronger showing of anger than they do (screaming, yelling, kicking or throwing things-- bear in mind that, to some people, a voice above a low conversational tone is 'yelling'), that could be the reason.

Right now I am working hard on "angry" and "sad." I am trying to learn to discuss anger and sadness like they were weather, without displaying angry behaviors like raising my voice or banging things, and without displaying sad behaviors like, well, I'm not sure yet. I haven't figured out how to look totally comfortable while in pain.

Certain segments of American society have some pretty strong taboos against strong displays (or any displays for that matter) of negative emotion (or sometimes any emotion). I learned as a kid never to show sadness or fear. My in-laws were taught to "be happy" (give the appearance of being happy) all the time. So if they weren't smiling and laughing and making small talk, then you could pretty well guess you were in trouble.

Other possibilities are that they're hypervigilant toward your anger because you had a lot of really intense meltdowns as a kid, or because they've been given bad advice about ASD.


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Starwars1776
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16 Jul 2014, 7:33 pm

Whenever I get upset I tend to withdrawal myself from others then express my anger alone. My family on the other hand usually yells, screams, and insults me



auntblabby
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16 Jul 2014, 7:36 pm

Starwars1776 wrote:
Whenever I get upset I tend to withdrawal myself from others then express my anger alone. My family on the other hand usually yells, screams, and insults me

your family should recognize your right to express your emotions just like they do, they are being hypocrites IMHO. I don't believe being around them is good for you.



Starwars1776
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16 Jul 2014, 8:15 pm

I'm only 13 so I can't just move out but I just spend all of my time in my room alone



auntblabby
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16 Jul 2014, 8:17 pm

that reminds me of my own situation back when I was 13.



bleh12345
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18 Jul 2014, 1:53 am

auntblabby wrote:
IMHO your family is systematically invalidating your individuality and personhood, and it would be a good idea for you to get away from them as soon as possible. just my opinion.


I agree. This happened to me, and it damaged me very badly. Anger is an emotion, and emotions need to be validated (but not used to justify bad things). Teaching you to talk about your anger, be assertive, and talk it out with the person you are angry at is what should be happening IMO.

I also withdrew into my room. I did it for years until I left when I was 18. Honestly, it might not be such a bad idea. If people question why you are anti-social, you can simply say "You yell at me all of the time, so why should I subject myself to that kind of behavior? I get mad too, you know, but you don't care". It's possible maybe they just don't "get" it, and I'm hoping that helps them empathize. If not, continue to stay in your room. Avoidance, if possible, is best when you can't leave a crappy situation.