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League_Girl
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18 Jul 2014, 11:04 am

a_dork wrote:
anotherswede wrote:
It could be that they have put a lot of effort into improving their social skills and ability to look and act normal in a social place like a pub. So they are careful how they act and find it important that their stigma doesn't show. Then they could think that if your aspie behaviour shows, it threatens their "face" and makes their stigma show. And they could be very sensitive to that.


They could also assume that you're being lazy because you're not working as hard as they are to appear "normal." Please note that I'm not actually saying that you're lazy or not working hard enough to improve. But if they feel that you can't work as diligently as they can in keeping up a "normal" appearance, they're liable to get frustrated. Their inability to understand your social struggles and their rigid enforcement of proper social skills may have to do with their AS, or you may just need to find better friends.



There are aspies out there who don't take the effort to improve or try just because they have AS so they don't feel obligated. It's either accept them or don't. So perhaps his "friends" think that is what he is doing. I have met people like this and seen them online say it too. Sometimes it's fear. They think if they improve, they will get bad as NTs.


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Sweetleaf
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18 Jul 2014, 11:10 am

How do you know they have AS? are they diagnosed?

Also if they actually do have AS(I admit I am doubting it), and think people with a more severe case of it make aspergers look bad....then they aren't worth having as 'friends'. usually those sorts of friendships are more about a couple people having someone to make fun of/pick on in a subtle manner for their entertainment while having the person think they're 'friends'.


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Sweetleaf
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18 Jul 2014, 11:13 am

anotherswede wrote:
It could be that they have put a lot of effort into improving their social skills and ability to look and act normal in a social place like a pub. So they are careful how they act and find it important that their stigma doesn't show. Then they could think that if your aspie behaviour shows, it threatens their "face" and makes their stigma show. And they could be very sensitive to that.


Sounds like they are already letting their stigma show by being intolerant of a 'friend' who is more obviously effected by AS....you mean they are afraid of stigma and will hide their AS to avoid it even at the expense of others who share their diagnoses.....that is if these people actually have AS.


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Sweetleaf
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18 Jul 2014, 11:19 am

a_dork wrote:
They could also assume that you're being lazy because you're not working as hard as they are to appear "normal." Please note that I'm not actually saying that you're lazy or not working hard enough to improve. But if they feel that you can't work as diligently as they can in keeping up a "normal" appearance, they're liable to get frustrated. Their inability to understand your social struggles and their rigid enforcement of proper social skills may have to do with their AS, or you may just need to find better friends.


Wait working to appear 'normal' is 'improving'? I fully disagree with that statement....I think improving would be finding ways of attaining a better quality of life and better ways to cope with some of the un-pleasantries of having autism like sensory issues. I mean why should an autistic person spend all their energy trying to be something they aren't....rather then using it to find was of improving their lives while accepting the autism.

Of course people with autism might want to consider how they come off to others, and work on making sure they aren't coming off as rude or going out of their way to do something that would bother people, autism isn't just a free pass to act like an a** and then say 'oh its my autism' but 'acting' normal/neurotypical to me is not the same thing as 'improving' except in the sense that if you get better at acting normal then you are improving on your acting....but I don't see it as 'self' improvement...anymore than I'd see a neurotypical trying to 'act' autistic and passing as autistic as a self improvement for them.


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naturalplastic
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18 Jul 2014, 11:31 am

I am more tolerant of aspie traits in others since Ive been officially dxd recently.

Used to be more annoyed by people who reminded me of my younger self than I am now (partially because Im more tolerent of those traits in myself now that I dxd).

But about these friends of yours: its impossible to say without more information. Maybe theyve struggled to over come stuff- and you dont appear to be trying as hard as they (to have social graces, or to read between the lines of conversation, or whatever). So they feel the urge to kick your butt, and give you tough coaching (like a drill sargeant). And if I hung with you- I might join them in doing the same. Maybe. Or maybe not. Its hard to tell from this distance: how you act, how they act in response to how you act, and what their motivations might be to react however it is they react to your behavior.



League_Girl
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18 Jul 2014, 12:06 pm

I still get annoyed sometimes but only because I am reminded of myself or how I used to be. But if they are younger than me and I used to be that way at that age, I am more tolerant. I just assume they will get better.


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a_dork
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18 Jul 2014, 2:00 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
a_dork wrote:
They could also assume that you're being lazy because you're not working as hard as they are to appear "normal." Please note that I'm not actually saying that you're lazy or not working hard enough to improve. But if they feel that you can't work as diligently as they can in keeping up a "normal" appearance, they're liable to get frustrated. Their inability to understand your social struggles and their rigid enforcement of proper social skills may have to do with their AS, or you may just need to find better friends.


Wait working to appear 'normal' is 'improving'? I fully disagree with that statement....I think improving would be finding ways of attaining a better quality of life and better ways to cope with some of the un-pleasantries of having autism like sensory issues. I mean why should an autistic person spend all their energy trying to be something they aren't....rather then using it to find was of improving their lives while accepting the autism.

Of course people with autism might want to consider how they come off to others, and work on making sure they aren't coming off as rude or going out of their way to do something that would bother people, autism isn't just a free pass to act like an a** and then say 'oh its my autism' but 'acting' normal/neurotypical to me is not the same thing as 'improving' except in the sense that if you get better at acting normal then you are improving on your acting....but I don't see it as 'self' improvement...anymore than I'd see a neurotypical trying to 'act' autistic and passing as autistic as a self improvement for them.


Sorry, what I meant in bold was improving social skills.


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NaturalProcess
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18 Jul 2014, 3:30 pm

Honestly, they may just be intolerant people (especially if they are young). I've met AS people who are tolerate of other AS quirks (and have befriended a few), and some who are not tolerant at all (whom I do not speak to) ...



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18 Jul 2014, 6:55 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
a_dork wrote:
They could also assume that you're being lazy because you're not working as hard as they are to appear "normal." Please note that I'm not actually saying that you're lazy or not working hard enough to improve. But if they feel that you can't work as diligently as they can in keeping up a "normal" appearance, they're liable to get frustrated. Their inability to understand your social struggles and their rigid enforcement of proper social skills may have to do with their AS, or you may just need to find better friends.


Wait working to appear 'normal' is 'improving'? I fully disagree with that statement....I think improving would be finding ways of attaining a better quality of life and better ways to cope with some of the un-pleasantries of having autism like sensory issues. I mean why should an autistic person spend all their energy trying to be something they aren't....rather then using it to find was of improving their lives while accepting the autism.

Of course people with autism might want to consider how they come off to others, and work on making sure they aren't coming off as rude or going out of their way to do something that would bother people, autism isn't just a free pass to act like an a** and then say 'oh its my autism' but 'acting' normal/neurotypical to me is not the same thing as 'improving' except in the sense that if you get better at acting normal then you are improving on your acting....but I don't see it as 'self' improvement...anymore than I'd see a neurotypical trying to 'act' autistic and passing as autistic as a self improvement for them.



Wait, some people have their own perception on what being NT, normal, or not autistic means? What you described in your post is my definition of being normal and acting normal.


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